Pregnancy: Month 2
If you'd like, you can read about Month 1 HERE.
In a way, this month has gone by so fast, and in another, these four weeks have been VERY long. A little summary of what’s been going on:
- Exhaustion, although it seems to be dissipating somewhat. I’m not falling asleep every afternoon anymore, at any rate
- Nausea has kind of taken over my life (although no puking, thank goodness). Pretty much feel sick all day every day. Snacks generally don’t help. Seabands don’t help. Laying down doesn’t really help. I’m thinking popsicles may help…just put a batch of home-made orange-juice ones in the freezer for consumption tomorrow…the store-bought ones have sugar I don’t want but they seem to be the only thing that’s making me feel better these days…
- It’s ridiculous the things I can smell. I made curry two weeks ago and can still smell it when I come into the house
- No big food cravings, but lots of aversions. Chicken. Vegetables (especially raw). Curry (LOL). Etc.
- I’m not fitting into my clothes very well, but not ready for maternity clothes yet, either. It’s an awkward stage…
- Moody and teary. More than normal
- My husband has been the absolute best. Cooking me meals, dealing well with my sickness, trying to make sure we’re all taken care of (e.g., he’s been looking for a car for me that’s more family-friendly than my little 2-door Jeep Wrangler). You always hope your husband will be great when you’re pregnant, but there’s no way of knowing for sure until it happens. Mine has been phenomenal
- Struggling a little with pregnancy…just surprised by how uncomfortable it is and how the changes happening to my body are a little bit hard. I figured for me it would be pure bliss, after trying so hard to get pregnant, but that has not been the case. It’s been harder than I expected (and I never really considered the implications of morning sickness, truth be told). But I will say this: after dealing with infertility for many years--THAT is HARD, in a soul-crushing, what-is-wrong-with-me, will-this-ever-get-straightened-out, I’m-afraid-I’m-not-going-to-be-happy-if-we-can’t-find-a-way-to-make-this-work kind of way. Infertility is unbelievably, incredibly hard. Pregnancy is hard in a totally different, much less intense and much easier way…uncomfortable, but I feel like I’m dealing with things millions of other women deal with. I feel like I’m going through something normal, vs how I felt with infertility which was so totally alone (even though I know that’s not the case), like I was the only one in the world who couldn’t figure this pregnancy thing out
Bottom line: Month 2 has been uncomfortable. But something I’m so glad to bear for the purpose of having a baby. Still feeling incredibly grateful to be in this position. Things have also felt a little unreal, too…except for yesterday’s ultrasound, I’ve been feeling a little detached and not really convinced this is actually happening. I think I’ve still got my guard up, until the first trimester is over…
Ultrasound #2
Baby's on the right in the black circle. Little white circle to the left is the yolk sac. So amazing we get to see this...my mom told me today she didn't have a single ultrasound the whole time she was pregnant with me.
Wow, 8 weeks 6 days and we have what kind of looks like a little baby in there! (Versus the little round blob we saw on our first ultrasound.) According to the doctor everything is looking really good. I was so relieved to see the good, strong heartbeat. This is feeling more real every day.
A Little Splurge...
ALL IMAGES: MISSIVE VIA ETSY.
I always get around to writing thank you cards or notes I owe people eventually, but it takes me a while and I think part of that is that for a long time, I haven't had any stationary I like. I've been wanting to get something I'm in love with for a while, but I always seem to talk myself out of it. What I've been wanting is something letterpress printed, which is not the most economical...
But today: new stationary! From this lovely shop on Etsy called Missive...so in love with all the beautiful little things there. Totally made my day to splurge on something beautiful...
Being in the Moment vs Wishing for Something Yet to Come
There's a poetry blog I love, and a few lines I read there yesterday have stayed with me as I struggle through the nausea and exhaustion of early pregnancy, often wishing for the first trimester to be over so feeling so sick will (hopefully) dissipate.
"...I prayed for--a second chance," the lines go. "Not for the world to be different, but for me to lean into wherever I am."
--From "Daily Practice," by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer, March 19, 2011
Wedding Shoes
So a lovely friend of mine is getting married in July and asked if I would give her shoe suggestions. Yay! I love weddings and I love shoes! Shoe shopping was a perfect little project for me today, too, as I'm pretty nauseous and tired and just want to rest vs get up and do anything. My friend's dress is strapless and white and long and very classic. She's getting married in a park in Southern California, so I was trying to keep practicality in mind, at least for some of my suggestions.
First the classic bridal shoe...you really can't go wrong here.
Kate Spade, $275
Some other options...like the idea of the wedge in the park, although not sure the ivory would work with the white dress. The shoe bottom left is a flat. And I'm really liking the idea of color...my friend and the setting are so bring and summery and happy. And every bride needs something blue...
J. Crew, $185
Kate Spade, $225
Badgly Mischka via Nordstrom, $215
Kate Spade via Nordstrom, $275
Some other options...I'm also really liking the idea of gray...
Badgley Mischka via Nordstrom, $119
BHLDN, $310
BHLDN, $310
J. Crew, $265
And finally, my idea of the perfect shoe for such a fun bride in the most lovely, summery setting. Unfortunately, at over $700 I’m sure this would blow the budget (and stilettos in grass: not the most practical), but I couldn’t resist including.
Manolo Blahnik via Nordstrom, $775
So there you go, miss Jewels! Hope you find something to fall in love with!
XO
Digital Frames: Cottage Arts.
Las Vegas: One Last Look
Just got home from our trip but wanted to share one last picture before returning to regularly scheduled programming.
There's a place off Tropicana called the Pinball Hall of Fame that we sometimes go to when we're in Vegas. $5 worth of quarters lasts a lot longer there and is a heck of a lot more fun in my opinion than that money spent on slot machines at the casinos.
The Pinball Hall of Fame is essentially a big warehouse with hundreds of pinball machines that you can play. Some of them are really old...the graphics and kitsch factor are great. But the one I always make sure to play is Big Brave, because very good friends of mine in San Francisco used to have the same machine in their Marina flat dining room, and we'd always play when over for dinner, drinks etc. Lovely people and we has so many years of fun evenings together. Miss those friends. Miss those days.
Downtown Las Vegas
Went for a little walk this AM…the weather’s lovely in Las Vegas at the moment…makes it easy to get out. My husband and I are staying downtown and there’s a ton of two things I really love around here:
1) Old hotels, and
2) Cool signs.
Things get pretty shady pretty fast as you venture too far east on Freemont Street, though…when I go back it’ll be with my six-foot-six husband.
A few pictures:
The Four Queens hotel…love the colors here.
Another one of the old downtown hotels. Again, love the colors on these signs. And they’re of course amazing lit up at night.
Gotta love the Western theme that pops up in Vegas now and again. Why don’t they make signs like this anymore?
Someday I’d love to own/run a cool hotel. It’ll have a great sign--that’s mandatory. The sign doesn’t have to be fancy…something like this would be awesome.
A young and sun-weathered and tattooed man leaning in the doorway of this hotel asked semi-jokingly--half smile, half sneer--if I wanted to take his picture as I walked past. I smiled and thanked him and kept walking, but now I wish I’d taken him up on his offer…he was an interesting looking guy.
Tomorrow’s our last day here…I have some work in the morning, but after that we’re going to have some fun…there’s been a lot of work this trip, but also some time to relax (in other words, lay on the couch…fatigue is still getting the best of me). And we’ve gotten a lot accomplished as far as helping my mother-in-law, which is the reason we’re here…
Out and About: Las Vegas
Lots of family obligations this week, but got out for a little while this afternoon for fresh air and a little walk and some pictures:
This is the reflection (righted) in the pool near my mother-in-law's house. Eighty degrees today...would have loved to have gotten in the pool if I'd had my swimsuit with me.
I miss palm trees. They make me really happy.
And how cute are roadrunners? So cool to see one up close. :)
We're staying downtown amongst so many cool buildings and signs. There's a lot of coolness in our hotel, as well. Hope to get out there tomorrow and share some more pictures. Actually, the signs I really want to photograph are the skid row hotels, they're so funky and retro. We'll see...
Happy Tuesday everyone. :)
Making Things Perfect vs Putting Them Out Into the World
So as many of you know, I am a writer. I get paid for the advertising portion of that, but the rest is for pure pleasure--blogging most recently, and longer-term and ongoing, stories and book-length projects, both fiction and non-fiction.
I’m good at making time to write, but terrible about trying to get things out into the world, actually trying to publish pieces. I’m trying to change that (see my New Year’s resolutions), but I’ve been thinking lately about WHY it is that I’m so terrible about that part of the process.
I read an article in the New Yorker over the weekend by Tina Fey, and something she said has stuck with me:
“…it’s a great lesson in not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game…but then you have to let it go. You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute…You have to let people see what you wrote. It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring…”
Maybe this is part/all of my problem: I feel like everything has to be perfect. I don’t know when to let go. My standards are so high, I think it paralyzes me.
Forcing myself to send something out once a month is, I think, a step in the right direction. But I wonder: is there a way to get over that feeling that I’m being judged and that I’m bad if I send something out that’s not perfect? Is it stifling my creativity? Or is it being rash and sloppy to send something out before revising it 100 times?
I want things to flow more freely. This fear that I’m bad if something I send out isn’t perfect has got to go. Maybe I can just experiment with not trying to be perfect? See what happens? Just writing those words feels freeing and fun…
Image credit: Emily Carlin.
Yet Another Thing That's Surprised Me About Being Pregnant That Shouldn't
So this coming week is my husband's spring break, and we're going to Vegas! I'm so excited...it's just going to be great to spend some time with him. His mom and brother are there, too (that's why we're going, actually...his mom is recently widowed)...it's going to be good to see them.
I work at home mostly, have been wearing comfy jeans and T-shirts pretty much since I got pregnant. But today I go to pack and I want to look cute for Vegas, right? And have some outfits to dress up in in case we decide to do some fun things in the evenings? And I tell you...trying to find outfits that fit? Not an easy task.
OK, of course I knew I was going to gain weight when I got pregnant. And I thought I was totally fine with that. But the reality is after spending my entire life trying to stay as skinny as possible, to realize that 95% of your cute clothes don't fit and aren't going to fit for some time...that's a little sobering. Especially when you don't even look pregnant yet.
My husband came upstairs mid-packing and I got all teary (I know there's insane hormonal stuff going on these days too, so it's not all me being crazy). He's so sweet and supportive, I know he'll love me even as I, ahem, expand over the next months. He made me feel really beautiful and loved. And with his help I even managed to put together a few outfits. Plus he said we could go shopping.
Love this guy.
Stay tuned over the next week for (sober and nauseous and tired) dispatches from Sin City!
Happy weekend everyone. :)
Image credit: 8 News NOW.
A Lovely Quote I Came Across Yesterday
"Honor and shame from no condition rise; Act well your part, there all the honor lies."
--Alexander Pope, English poet, essayist, and satirist, via BIO SmartBrief
Facebook--Love It or Hate It?
First off, let me tell you what I love about Facebook:
1) I love that it’s let me reconnect with a TON of people that may have been lost from my life forever
2) I love that my friends are easy to keep tabs on…you can get a pretty good idea what’s going on in their lives by visiting their Facebook pages
3) It’s also a quick and easy way to tell people hi or happy birthday or congratulations etc
I’m glad Facebook is there. I don’t want to get rid of my Facebook account.
But.
I don’t go on Facebook very often.
First of all, my friends are all over the country, and it makes me miss them. Terribly. And wish I’d lived the sort of life where everybody didn’t end up so scattered.
Then, I get envious, which is my worst personality trait, hands down. I think what it is is that I just miss people and places and things that I had in the past so very much…it’s hard to be reminded of those things. Like living in California. Seattle. Austin. Surfing. Snowboarding. Having my brother alive. Being super young and still having so much time to make choices and figure things out. Etc.
I’m also envious of things that I want that have not been easy to get. Like kids--I’m especially envious of ex-boyfriends who got girls pregnant accidentally, which is ridiculous because that’s not an ideal situation for anyone involved (although in the end there’s so much love for those kids…)
And there’s no reason for all this envy. I have a good life. I’m going to have a baby. I’m not that old. I snowboarded like crazy last year, probably more than any of my friends--had so many epic days and I’ll snowboard again. Ugh.
Also: No one struggles on Facebook. It’s just not the medium to talk about the troubles you’re having…thus, it presents this kind of skewed view of the world where everyone’s life is shiny and perfect. My life is not shiny and perfect, and it’s hard to see everyone else looking like that. (Not that I wish any sort of misery on my friends…it’s just good to know that you’re not alone in your struggles in this world, you know?)
Bottom line: I generally feel worse after going on Facebook than before. And I’m trying not to do things that make me feel bad.
Wish there was a way to use Facebook that didn’t make me feel so very sad…
Image credit: rafeejewell
Friendship + Glitter
Seriously...how cheerful is red glitter?I have a lovely friend from back when I lived in Santa Barbara who is in the habit of occasionally sending little presents, just because she is thinking of you. It's so charming, and whenever I get a package from her, it totally makes my day. Last week: ruby red glitter.
"Miss Kristen," she writes, in her pretty cursive with hearts as dots over the "i"s.
She said the glitter made her think of me and smile.
There have been so many days in the past few years where I don't feel like the kind of person glitter would remind someone of. It's so very wonderful to know that's not necessarily the case.
Starting to feel more like happy red glitter these days. Sweet gifts from my friends (and there have been lots) help that along. :)
Ultrasound #1
Not much to see but wanted to post as this is our first baby picture! The baby's on the right side of the black circle.
First ultrasound today. We've got one perfect little baby growing away in there. We could see/hear the heartbeat at 117 bpm (I'm 6w5d pregnant today). So exciting and magical to see actual physical proof that something is going on and all's well.
And one baby...I had been thinking a lot about twins...in a way twins would have been great because we would have never had to go back to the fertility clinic again. (We want more than one child.) But one just seems like it's going to be so much easier, you know? And we're not going to get the fertility-related questions that seem almost inevitable with twins. No offense to anyone with twins...twins are wonderful and magical and so very special...we would have been thrilled with twins, to be honest...but I think I'm ready to be just a "normal" pregnant lady without anything special going on, you know? I feel like I never get to do anything the normal way...I'm kind of grateful to have the more common type of pregnancy.
So happy and excited today!
Oh, and in related news, I got the seasickness wristbands that are supposed to help with nausea yesterday, and am feeling much better today.
Surprised By How Much Pregnancy Has Affected Me
I grew up around a "be tough, don't let anything slow you down" kind of mentality, which has, in a lot of ways served me well. Reflective of this mindset, I assumed that were I to get pregnant, it wouldn't affect me at all and I'd just go about my daily life like nothing was happening.
"Didn't you read anything about pregnancy?" my husband asked me yesterday, when I was telling him how surprised I was that this wasn't the case.
"Not until I got pregnant," I replied. "And besides, even if I had, I would have assumed it didn't apply to me."
But of course it has. Exhaustion. Nausea. Weirdness with food. And I've had to alter my lifestyle a lot. My free time generally involves outdoor activities. Normally this time of year, I'd be snowboarding like crazy...it's weird not to be able to do that. Pregnancy has slowed me down, no question. And it's not something I'm entirely comfortable with.
"Do me a favor," my husband said with a laugh. "Get some baby books BEFORE we actually have the baby. So you aren't taken totally off-guard again by what's coming. A new baby/ies is going to be hard. Wonderful, but hard.
"Oh, and I'm planning on reading the books, too," he said. Which makes me love him more than ever.
Trying to Eat Better
Feeling like a Q&A format today, so here goes:
Q. What have you been eating?
A. Toast with butter. Bagels and cream cheese. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Not a very balanced diet, truth be told.
Q. Why so limited?
A. I have this huge aversion to vegetables at the moment, which is totally weird...vegetables and salad are usually the mainstay of my diet. And meat just seems too complicated to prepare. Plus, I've been so tired I haven't been to the grocery store.
Q. But you know you should eat more than bread and butter and cheese, right?
A. Yes. Went to the store today with that in mind.
Q. So what's the plan?
A. Smoothies with OJ and berries and yogurt. A bean and vegetable soup that's in the crock pot as we speak. Apple slices with all-natural peanut butter. And stuff for sloppy Joe's later in the week...sloppy Joes sound good.
Q. Are you nauseous?
A. Yes, not horribly, but that's part of the problem, too. I read that a bunch of little meals/keeping things in your stomach helps, so I'm trying that.
Q. What else are you doing to make this situation better?
A. Asking my husband for help. He's awesome, so supportive. But he's really busy with school and doesn't always know what I need. I'm bad about asking. Need to get better.
Q. Are you keeping track of what you eat?
A. Today I made a little chart detailing what I'm supposed to eat each day to be healthy (3 servings protein, 6 servings whole grains/legumes, etc.)...I think it's going to help to fill that out for a little while. At the very least, it'll keep me honest as far as where the gaps are in my diet, so I can try to correct it.
Q. Did you know eating healthy was going to be an issue?
A. No. It's funny...I was talking with my husband about this earlier today...until I was actually pregnant, I wouldn't let myself think about what pregnancy was going to be like...too painful. So all that's come with this so far has been kind of a surprise to me. I mean, obviously I've heard about people craving pickles and ice cream, but I didn't know aversions to foods you usually like were part of the deal too.
Q. Anything else?
A. I just want to be as healthy as I can and do the best I can for the baby/ies. In the food department, that's turned out to be harder than I thought. But I feel like today there's been progress.
Photo credit: Pym C.
Hours Worked vs Happiness
One of the things I've always loved about Colorado is how blue the sky is.
It's a simple equation, for me anyway, but I seem to keep forgetting it (or intentionally sabotaging myself, I'm not sure which):
Working too many hours = misery.
I start to feel like life is drudgery, drained of any delight or fun. It's almost like part of me doesn't think I deserve to be happy, so I let my hours at work get totally out of control so there's no way I can be.
Bad week this week as far as number of hours worked. But I did take most of today off...I'd been thinking about doing it, and then I read the following first thing this morning by one of my favorite poets, Anna Kamienska, and it sealed the deal:
"Dante places the sorrowful in hell, those who refused to rejoice in the sunlight."
There's been sunlight for me today. :)
Tired...So Very Tired
Got out for a hike with these guys yesterday...not going to happen today. This is our dog Newton on the left, my parent's dog Comic, who we're dogsitting, on the right.
I know being pregnant is supposed to make you tired, especially the first trimester, but I wasn't really prepared for the kind of mind-numbing, can-barely-keep-my-eyes-open thing that's going on. And to make matters worse, I can't really sleep. I try napping, and maybe once a week I sleep. At night, I'm up very late (even though I go to bed early) and/or wake up in the middle of the night and then am up for hours at a time.
This week work has been absolutely insane, too, which doesn't help matters.
Approximately every other day I can get myself out of the house for some sort of mellow hike/walk, but the rest of the time it's just not possible.
Talking on the phone seems to be far beyond my energy level.
There's a load of laundry that's been in the dryer since last Sunday.
I don't think I've ironed since January, maybe December.
I haven't been grocery shopping yet this week. Food choices are getting pretty slim around here. Cooking dinner just sounds exhausting, anyway...and I'm pretty weird about food right now, too. For instance, I have zero interest in vegetables, which is totally unlike me.
My husband and I aren't spending enough time together doing fun stuff.
Etc...
Not complaining--so grateful to be pregnant--just telling it like it is. This is hard.
Oh, to have a full and decent night's sleep...
Freelancing: How Do You Keep Your Workload Manageable?
This is my tenth year freelancing (after five years in a San Francisco ad agency; I do advertising copywriting/creative direction), and my problem has always been (and it's a problem I'm grateful for, believe me): How do I make it so I'm not working too much? This is especially relevant now that I'm pregnant/hopefully soon to have a child, as I can't imagine 16 hour days, like the one I worked yesterday, are good for the baby/ies.
This week is the first bad workweek I've had in a while. My husband, who doesn't want to be married to a workaholic, has helped me set it up so I don't work too much, encouraging me not to take on new clients, helping me limit travel when necessary (although I can ramp it up, too, when needed...I spent six weeks in Boston last year helping out at the most fabulous ad agency ever...that work paid for all our IVF procedures).
My main strategy is to have a list of projects I'm committed to, and to keep that list under a certain length. The company I do the most work for just asked me to format my list differently, though (they're trying to standardize lists across writers), so what was before a two-page list (I seemed to do OK if I was keeping that list two pages or less) is now a fifteen-page list, and I'm feeling a little unsure of how much work I have at the moment. Need to come up with a new maximum length.
It's really important for me not to work too much, as I like my job when it's manageable days, but tend to get miserable when I'm working too many hours (because then I can't write, or post here, or go for a walk and oh, the weather was glorious yesterday, so sad that I didn't get out into it).
My biggest client, they're having a conference call with their writers this morning, to talk about workload management. A lot of the people on that call have been in this business a lot longer than me...maybe they'll have something to teach me.
I'm doing better than I was (16 hour days used to be the norm, now they are the exception), but there's still room for improvement.
Photo credit: Thuy Pham.