Pregnancy: Week 12
Hi Everyone!
I'm 13 weeks pregnant today! One week left in the first trimester! Can hardly believe it!
Here's how Week 12 has gone:
- Nausea. Still. Please oh please oh please, let it go away (or at least get a little better, or not be around 24/7) soon. My husband thinks it's worse when I don't eat regularly (every few hours), so I'm trying to keep on that schedule in the hopes that he's right. I also have a suspicion that wearing anything the slightest bit tight around the waist makes it worse...Saturday I wore a non-maternity elastic-waist skirt that was a tad tight and felt HORRIBLE the entire day
- Some pains in my abdomen that Dr. Google says are "round ligament pain" and I'll have for the rest of my pregnancy. Not a big deal, though
- Headachy occasionally and some of my joints hurt (the ones that have suffered sports injuries), but nothing that Tylenol won't take care of
- Had these crazy cravings for orange Gatorade this week, which is not the healthiest thing, but the cravings were so incredibly strong there was no way I wasn't having it
- Feeling a bit up and down emotionally, but pretty positive and excited overall. Still crying over everything. Like on Project Runway last week, when one of the contestants lost the money she needed for fabric and the other contestants helped her out? Yeah. Bawling
- Started telling work people about my pregnancy. Actually the company I do the most work for (Company D in my post last week), I told one person there and now everyone knows ("the news spread like wildfire," is how one of my co-workers put it). Sheesh. Everyone's been happy and excited and positive (although I did get a lot of, "Why didn't you tell me?" since practically everyone heard it through the grapevine)
- Packed away most of my non-maternity clothes over the weekend. I'm getting so big so fast! Just now starting to feel (and I think look) pregnant and not fat, which is wonderful wonderful wonderful
Hope everyone has a lovely week! :)
XOXO
Dinosaur Triple Threat
So my husband runs around acting like a 5-year-old sometimes (part of why I love him, and why I want to have kids with him so bad). One of the acting-like-a-5-year-old things he does we call the Dinosaur Pounce. He'll stand outside the closed bathroom door while I'm taking a shower, with his hands up close to his face like little T-Rex arms, and then when I open the door he'll jump on me, making me scream or laugh, depending on how surprised I am. It's sweet. He's not doing it while I'm pregnant because he figures startling me is not a good idea. I miss it.
This morning, my husband was up uncharateristically early (he usually studies late and sleeps late). He came into the kitchen while I was making toast for breakfast and said, "Nope, you need protein," and pulled out eggs and sausage and cheese and poured me a big glass of milk...made me this great breakfast which we then sat on the couch side-by-side eating.
During breakfast, I could not stop laughing. From my husband having staring contests with the dog (the dog is surprisingly good at not blinking first) to him trying to get me to eat more of my breakfast by piling it on the toast and giving it a funny name--he's just so incredibly funny and sweet.
"I can't wait until the babies are here," I said. "You're going to have us all laughing 24/7."
"Yeah," he said. "But you're also going to have to put up with the Dinosaur Triple Threat for the rest of your life."
I know exactly what he's talking about: Him, outside the bathroom door, a little kid on each side, all 3 with their hands in T-Rex pounce position, all 3 trying not to laugh so that when mommy comes out after her shower they can pounce and surprise her. I'm sure the louder I scream, the more satisfying it's going to be.
Seriously, how lucky am I?
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Image Credit: happyfamily via Etsy.
Patience
"Patience is the theme of our class today," my yoga instructor said to us this morning. (And, by the way, it's prenatal and postpartum yoga, and one of the ladies brought her 7-week-old-daughter to class and oh my God was that baby ever cute. Cute, cute, cute. Absolutely cannot wait to have actual real live babies of my own.)
Anyway, patience. Patience with our bodies, all the changes, our emotions.
Applicable to yoga class, and also life in general, especially right now.
I have, I've realized, no patience with myself. I'm not cutting myself any slack.
I'm having a hard time with how my body's changing (feeling so fat and unattractive, scared I will never be pretty again...vain, I know, but there it is. Also, who I am is so based on athletics...being essentially a couch potato these past few months has left me feeling so adrift.)
I have no patience for how sick I've been, and exhausted. I've had to make allowances for these things, but I hate it and I fight it.
I have no patience for not feeling over-the-moon-happy about my pregnancy every second, even though intellectually I know it's normal to be up and down, especially with how sick I've been feeling.
I have no patience for the depression that creeps in, especially late at night. God, I still miss my brother, and still wonder if I will ever be OK with him dead, or if I'm just going to be in pain because of it for the rest of my life (the pain's better, more manageable, than it used to be, but it's still there). And I've just been through 5 years of trying to get pregnant (the last 3 with multiple surgeries and IVFs), and I think that's affected me more than I've let on...for so long it's just been keep your chin up and move onto the next thing, stay positive, don't think about the sadness of it. And the miscarriage I had last spring...what would have been my due date's coming up and I don't know if I just brushed all the feelings surrounding that aside when it happened and now it's coming back to haunt me, but it's feeling hard, even though I am pregnant now with two beautiful babies that seem to want to stick around.
In short, I want to be this happy, glow-y, beautiful, serene, perfect pregnant woman, and I'm not.
Sigh.
Patience for all the flaws, Kristen. Patience for all the flaws.
Announcing Your Pregnancy
So as I get close to the end of the first trimester, I've started to think about when/how/if I'll be announcing my pregnancy. There's kind of two parts to this: work people, and social people.
Let's start with the social people, aka, friends and family. I've lived all over the place (Colorado, Seattle [twice], Austin, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Boston [kind of...I had an apartment there for a couple years but also had an apartment in San Francisco so was never there full-time].) I tend to keep in touch with people...not everyone, but I really make an effort. The result is I have friends all over the country, whom I talk to with varying degrees of frequency.
I've been pretty open about my fertility struggles and all the interventions we've had, and also about this pregnancy when I see people or talk to/text/email them. If I talk with my friends, I tell them. I know a lot of people think you should keep the news to yourself until after the first trimester, and I did that to some extent when I was pregnant last spring, but then I had a miscarriage and I found myself telling people about the pregnancy after the fact so I could tell them about the miscarriage, and then it hit me, if you're going to tell people if you miscarry, why not tell them you are pregnant? So that's what I've done this time around. (I told a lot of people about the miscarriage because I'm just not one of those people who when friends ask "How are you?" I can just say "Fine," and change the subject. I have this urge to talk about what's going on, good or bad.)
So a lot of people already know about my pregnancy. But what about those who don't? Just because I haven't talked with someone in the past few months doesn't mean I don't consider them extremely close friends. My college roommate, for example, we go months without talking, but he's one of the few people in this world I could call anytime day or night and he'd be there for me, no matter what I needed. Anyway, do I call all these people up? (Which honestly sounds exhausting in my sickly/tired first trimester state.) Send out a mass email? (Ugh...seems so impersonal.) Post something on Facebook? (We all know how hurtful that can be to people struggling with fertility in one way or another...not sure I want to go there.)
And then, there's work. I freelance for four different companies--A, B, C and D.
Company A, the women I work with are some of my closets friends and they know all the gory details...in fact the owner of this company went with me for my transfer/took care of me on bed rest for my IVF last January (she lives in Denver where my clinic is and my husband couldn't be with me because of school.)
Company B is in Boston, and they know about and are cool with my pregnancy...usually when I do work for them I fly to Boston, but we're going to do some work with me in Colorado this fall, as I'm not comfortable traveling and they are being lovely and accommodating. The people who run this company are also in the friend category
Company C, the woman who runs it is this high-powered career woman who I admire greatly. She has one child (now grown) and when I told her I was doing IVF she said, "You know I love my daughter, but if I could do it again (have children), I wouldn't do it. I would tell you not to do it." She's the only person who has tried to talk me out of having kids. And yeah, I'm nervous to tell her I'm pregnant. I think she pictures me as more dedicated to my career than I really am, (I have been really dedicated in the past), but I really do want to dial back career-wise and I know she'll be respectful of that, but that's not her wish for me, you know?
Company D is the company I do the most work for, and although I'm friendly with the people there, they are definitely professional (not friend) relationships. I've told my boss there about my pregnancy and she's told her boss...both have been extremely supportive and are good with me taking a 3 month maternity leave and then coming back, which is great. But there are about 20 people I interact with in this company on a regular basis that don't know...
In terms of work, I'm feeling a lot of hesitation telling the people who don't already know. It's weird, I thought I'd get to this point and be so excited about spreading the news, but I'm finding I'm wanting to keep it to myself for a little while longer. I'm not sure why...if I'm still scared something is going to happen? (Because as many people as I told about my miscarriage after the fact, I'm glad I didn't HAVE to tell people, you know?)
I think another factor might be I'm not sure how much I want to tell people. When I was pregnant with just one baby and told people, everyone just said, "Congratulations" and moved on. When I tell people I'm pregnant with twins I get: "Do they run in your family?" (Yes, as a matter of fact, they do.) And then I've kind of been feeling compelled to tell people I had IVF done as well. But, I don't know, I'm not sure I want to tell everyone in the world about the IVF part...can I just (truthfully) say yes to the run-in-your-family question and leave it at that?
Anyway...
What would you all do/have you done?
With telling friends?
With telling people you work with?
With telling people about fertility treatments?
Your thoughts/input are greatly appreciated!
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 27, 2011
1. My husband stayed up studying late last night (all night, essentially) so he could take my parents to the airport at 4:45 AM...so sweet that he did that so I could get a decent night's sleep!
2. Peanut butter toast is my new favorite breakfast. Yum.
3. Got some great IT help out of Denver today. One of the hardest things about freelancing has been finding good computer support. I think I found my guy!
4. Lay down to rest a couple times today. Couldn't sleep, but getting to lay down was lovely!
5. Got a sweet little card yesterday from a friend of mine in San Francisco. She's a friend I know in the past has really wanted kids, and then a couple years ago decided it wasn't in the cards for her (she's a little older than I am and I think has some fertility issues although I'm not sure, and is in a relationship where kids just aren't an option). I THINK she's OK with it, but I've been a little careful about my pregnancy around her, not wanting to hurt her, you know? But she seems so full of enthusiam for me...said she wished I was still in San Francisco so she could be with me during this time. Love how sweet she's being. Hope she really is OK with me being pregnant and not just putting on a happy face...love her and don't want to do anything to hurt her...
XO
Pregnancy: Week 11
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!
I'm 12 weeks pregnant today...so crazy. Actual babies are starting to seem like a very real possibility.
Here's how Week 11 has been:
- Really bad nausea at the beginning of the week, getting better towards the end (not gone, but not awful 24/7...hoping we're on the upswing as far as this sickness is concerned)
- Tired and sleeping a lot
- My belly keeps getting bigger...I'm not even supposed to be showing yet...can't imagine how I'm going to end up...
- I've gained 8 pounds so far...almost half of that in the past week. (Which is weird, because I haven't been eating any differently. So why no weight gain at all for the past 3 weeks, and then some gain all at once?) My goal is 20 pounds in the first 20 weeks...I think I'm doing pretty well, especially since food has not been at all attractive to me (although the nausea usually goes away for a little while after I eat...there is that benefit)
Oh, and for all of you out there who are cycling/about to cycle, I have some meds left over I'd love to send to someone (don't want to sell them, just want to donate to the cause). Email me (upper right corner of my blog) if you can use this stuff and I'll ship it out to you. First come/first served. Here's what I have:
- Endometrin 100 mg 1 1/2 boxes (21 inserts/box)
- Vivelle dot 0.1 mg/day (4 1/2 packs, 8 patches per pack)
Hope everyone has a fabulous week!
XO
11 Weeks 5 Days
11 weeks 5 days pregnant today...the day we found out last spring our baby girl had died (we lost our baby at 9 weeks, but it was a missed miscarriage, so we didn't know what had happened until a couple weeks after the fact).
Feeling sad about that lost baby today...I would have been due with her in just over a month...I so wish I was about to have that baby.
Looking at it from a different angle (that of my current pregnancy), everything after today is new territory. Feeling lucky and grateful to have made it this far. Hoping these babies go all the way.
Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 22, 2011
1. Feeling moderatey better today. Yippee!
2. Good enough to make it to prenatal yoga for the first time (prenatal yoga's only once a week here, and every week before I've felt too sick to go.) It was sooooooo wonderful. The stretching felt so good. Also in my "normal" life, I go to yoga 2-3 times a week (Bikram yoga, which isn't allowed during pregnancy), but haven't been since, I don't know, June maybe. I've been thinking and this morning confirms that I need to try and get back to doing some of the things that are "me," even if I have to do them in modified ways.
3. Along those lines, I'm scheduling a haircut, massage, and pedicure for next week...haven't had any of those things since I got pregnant, and again, I think it'll help me feel more like myself and that this pregnancy isn't turning me into some entirely different creature, which is how I've been feeling.
4. I got invited to work in Boston this fall, and have been hugely on the fence about it. I love Boston, and have lots of friends there I would like to see (I've worked there on and off for 10 years), and my doctor says it's OK to travel this early in my pregnancy. But on the flip side, evey time I go to Boston I end up working 18 hour days day after day, and I miss my husband, and I don't want to be alone in an ER with doctors I don't know if something goes wrong. Plus, I can't imagine working as hard as I'd need to work feeling the way I do (I know I'm supposed to start feeling better soon, but that's not guarenteed.) Plus, bottom line, I don't want to be able to look back on anything and say, "If only I hadn't done that, maybe the babies would have been OK." So I'm not going to go. I know I'm being super conservative and cautious here, but it's what feels right to me. Glad to finally make a decision about it, even though it's a bummer I'm not going to get to see my friends and do all the cool Boston city stuff I like to do.
5. Going to clean my office and my closet over the next few days...both are disasters, and having both clean is going to make me feel better...trying to eliminate all the little drains on my mood/energy, you know?
Hope everyone's having a fabulous Thursday!
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 21, 2011
Feeling so down today...just tired--so tired--and nauseous and work is feeling overwhelming...just really don't want to do anything, but have a lot of deadlines coming up, so must get stuff done.
But there's good stuff happening, too...always, right? Trying so hard to focus on the good stuff...
1. I'm grateful for the happy yellow sunflowers in a glass on my desk.
2. And the fact my husband and I are going to cook dinner from scratch together tonight. We cook together a lot (or used to before I got pregnant), make a good team in the kitchen. I'm going to rally and help him tonight (he's been doing an awful lot of the cooking on his own lately...)
3. And, we have a couple episodes of Californication left to watch (we do most of our TV watching after the fact via Netfilx). Laying on the couch will be lovely.
4. Going camping this weekend with my mom and dad, brother and husband. Fall and the aspens turning is so glorious in Colorado. Not really feeling up to anything right now, but I know it's going to be so fun, and I'm going to be so glad I went.
5. Almost out of the first trimester. That means I should be feeling better soon (I hope!)
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 20, 2011
1. My dad sent me this video yesterday (link below) and I cried the whole way through (in a good way). I love that my dad sends me little things like this...he's the only one who does. This video makes me want to adopt kids in need (this has always been our plan if fertility treatments don't end up working out...not to adopt a baby, but older kids, probably siblings). I was telling my husband how this video made me feel like adoption was such the better option, and he said, "We can still adopt, you know. Maybe when the twins are older we'll adopt some kids their same age." Loving the though of that...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W86jlvrG54o&feature=related
2. I bought a hardcover book I know my mom will love as a "just because" gift for her. I almost never buy hardcover books because of the expense, but I was thinking how if I didn't have my mom, I'd be standing in the bookstore crying because I couldn't spend the money on this book for her. Got to do these things while you can, you know? (And just as an aside, both my parents are young and healthy...there's no reason to think anything is going to happen to either of them anytime soon...but nevertheless it's something I worry about/think about all the time. It's the part of my personality I'd most like to change. Must stop thinking bad things are just about to happen.)
3. Swallowed my prenatal viatmin right before lunch and promptly puked it (and the water I used to down it, and what little was in my stomach) back up into the sink. And the puke went up my nose. Ow. But my husband was home at the time and held me while I cried (I cry at everything these days.) And then he went out and got me lunch...he is the sweetest...love him so much.
4. I got asked to take on a "problem client" at work this morning, because, in the words of my boss, "You tend not to get ruffled when things get difficult." Such a nice compliment. Hope taking this on doesn't turn out to be a nightmare, but it's true, I can generally handle whatever difficult clients want to dish out.
5. Not only does my dog think he should sleep on the bed, but he nestles himself in amongst the pillows, so he's got a little pillow cloud surrounding him. Too cute.
XOXO
Pregnancy: Week 10
I think the bump's about the same size as last week. It's weird, my belly feels so much bigger than it looks...
Happy Monday, Everyone!
I'm 11 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's how the past week has been:
- The nausea is still awful. Worse, if anything. This is going to get better soon, right?
- Super exhausted, too
- And headaches. Tylenol takes care of them, but trying to minimize my Tylenol usage
- Sore boobs that seem to be growing, and my belly feels like it's getting bigger every day
- My fear of miscarriage has pretty much gone away, thank goodness. So grateful for that
- Super emotional this past week...cry at pretty much anything, happy or sad
- Feeling a little sad that I am not liking being pregnant more than I am. I always thought that when I was pregnant I would love it, but it pretty much feels like a bad hangover 24/7, and I am not feeling the pregnancy bliss like I want to AT ALL. I keep telling myself the goal is (and always has been) children, not pregnancy in and of itself, so it's OK if I don't love with a capital L pregnancy. I don't know, I'm hoping in the second trimester those blissful feelings will kick in. And even though I'm not loving being pregnant, I am sooooo unreservedly thrilled about and grateful for the babies. So glad this is happening. Happy, so happy, to bear it, just wish I was ENJOYING it, you know? I feel bad saying this, but it's the truth, so...
Hope everyone has a lovely week!
XO
Grace in Small Things, September 16, 2011
1. Put on a cute new maternity skirt--yellow with an ethnic-y white pattern--this morning that makes me look pregnant rather than fat. And my hair came out perfect today...that almost never happens. Feeling pretty for the first time in a while.
2. Got together with some writer friends of mine last night...I so need that community...it helps so much to hear other people say what you're writing is cool.
3. I'm so tired...going to go lay down in a little bit and watch the documentary Inside Job. I think it's going to rain, too...what a lovely way to spend a Friday afternoon.
4. My husband has taken to touching my belly and talking to the babies. Or tickling it like he is tickling the babies. And he kisses it twice at night before I go up to bed (I usually go to sleep earlier than him.) Sometimes I'll ask him, "What are the babies saying?" and he'll put his hand on my belly and report back. It's so cute. Makes me love him so much.
5. College football game and a birthday party for the cutest 9-year-old girl in the world tomorrow. Must go out and get her something super fashionable and fabulous...she's such a girlie girl...love it.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Thanks so much for spending some time here this week. :)
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 15, 2011
1. It's been cloudy and rainy and cool here after a long, hot summer. Loving the rain right now.
2. Have gotten into a really nice groove with some writing I'm doing...three pages a day seems to be the magic number. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it adds up, and it's not overwhelming...I can fit three pages a day in with my work schedule and whatever else I've got going on.
3. Today is tax day (I freelance, so have to pay quarterly taxes)...grateful that I have work and thus need to pay taxes. :)
4. The fear of miscarriage that's been so front-and-center with this pregnancy is essentially gone. It's a little scary to let go of it, because now if something happens we've started getting our hopes up and will be devastated...but the truth is, we would have been devastated losing our babies at any point in this process...it's so good to finally feel like I can relax a little...
5. Been talking a lot with my husband about what's going to happen when he finishes school in May...so excited for that! Him going back to school hasn't been too hard on us, but it's going to be great to have both of us working again (and I'll only be working part-time-ish after the babies arrive/I take my maternity leave, which will be lovely).
XOXO
An Email to Nowhere
So I've been doing some writing about surfing over the past couple weeks, mostly about the years I surfed up in San Francisco. It's something I've been meaning to write about for years, and it's been fun to do.
Yesterday, I came across some old notes I had for the project, and found some emails from Luke, my brother who died, about how my first surfboard had gotten stolen out of the back of his truck.
I knew I had those emails, so that didn't come as a surprise. But I was really affected by seeing his email address: fedwithpunk@gmailcom. I'd forgotten about that address. It's so him.
And I've been thinking ever since about how much I want to send an email there. What happens to old email addresses when people die? Does someone else get it, like a phone nuber? Or does it just die along with the person?
I know if I sent an email I'd either get a nondeliverable message or no response. But a part of me just kind of holds out hope that somehow he'd get the message and send me something back. Crazy, I know.
I want an email from him so bad. Sucks that it's never going to happen.
And now I'm all teary. Stupid pregnancy hormones...I've been crying at everything lately...
XOXO
It's Time to Meet the Babies! :)
OMG, I am so excited to post a picture of our babies! My husband didn't want me to post earlier ultrasounds because he was afraid of me miscarrying, but I think we are both for the most part moving beyond that fear...
Hi Everyone!
So besides my first picture here of the babies (!), lots of good news today:
- Babies are both looking good...we even saw the one on the right move on the ultrasound this morning...I'd never seen that before...it was AMAZING!
- My labs came back OK today I think...the numbers are a little lower than Friday, but that makes sense since they took me off all meds, right? I'll update with what my clinic thinks when I hear from them. (Estradiol 1470 Friday, 1399 today; Progesterone 33.2 Friday, 26.1 today.)
- I think at this point I'm going to go a whole month before my next doctor's appt/blood work, which is so wild. I have been in and out of doctor's offices pretty much constantly for almost 2 years...
- My OB told me this morning she's been thinking I'm 12 years younger than I actually am...gotta love it. :) (She's only been my doctor for a few months, but we've interacted socially in the past, as I'm freinds with her husband...small town.) She also told me after caring for 2 infants my age will probably catch up with me, but I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that part...
Hope everyone's having a great week!
XOXO
CCRM (my clinic) just called and said my labs look awesome and I have officially "graduated!" At which point I promptly burst into tears. Still crying...I can't believe this is actually happening...I just can't believe it...
Pregnancy: Week 9
The debut of the baby bump! :)
Hi Everyone!
I'm 10 weeks pregnant today! Yay!
A little about Week 9:
- Week 9 was an extremely emotional week, as it's the week when I miscarried my last pregnancy (although we didn't find out until 11 weeks). Lots and lots of fear. Now that Week 9 is over, I am feeling so much better.
- Nausea (still really bad), check. Everything smells like crazy, check. Belly's getting bigger, check. Boobs are big and sore, check. Not sleeping great, check.
- I've been getting up to pee like 5 times a night. Annoying.
- I had my first must-have-this-food-immediately-send-husband-to-the-grocery-store-late-at-night craving. What I wanted: Lemonheads.
- I got weaned completely off the fertility drugs this past week. One final lab check tomorrow to make sure everything's OK. So exciting!
- I'm pretty much 100% in maternity clothes at this point...ahhhh...so comfortable! I just got basic jeans-and-tank-tops kind of stuff (really appreciating the fact I work from home...nice not to have to worry about dressy, work-appropriate clothes). I also got a bunch of $3 non-maternity sweaters at Goodwill...this way I won't care if they get stretched out. And, how psyched am I that ponchos are in style right now? They seem like they'll be perfect.
Ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow...will keep you all posted!
XOXO
Pregnant and Scared
12: 45 PM
God, this is so incredibly hard. Not being able to sleep wondering if everything is OK with the babies. Waking up every day wondering if things are OK with the babies. Knowing I might not know if things are going wrong with the babies. Checking each time I go to the bathroom for blood. Wondering if the discomfort in my abdomen is something I ate or signs of miscarriage.
Hard to work. Hard to concentrate. Hard to have any sort of normal life.
I can't get excited about being pregnant or having babies, except in tiny little bursts that I try to push aside, because this could all be taken away at any second, and I've never felt this way before, but I just feel like if something happens, this is it, I can't do any more of this, I am so exhausted and beat down, I've got nothing left. Instead, I think contingency plans. What am I going to do if I miscarry? How does that life look? I feel this need to be prepared.
My lab results from my blood draw this morning are ready, and I'm scared to go get them. Scared these may be my last moments of thinking everything is possibly going to be all right.
Yeah, not doing well today.
Going to get my results...will finish this post when I return...
... 1: 15 PM
My hormone levels are up substantially from a few days ago, which I'm assuming is good news.
Estradiol:
1234 Tuesday
1470 Today
Progesterone:
25.1 Tuesday
33.2 Today
So the panic is dissipating. But seriously, when am I not going to be so afraid? After next Tuesday's ultrasound? At the end of the first trimester? When I have healthy babies in my arms? Being pregnant is supposed to be fun and exciting and joyous, not a place of near-constant fear. Stupid infertility.
I need a hug.
And in a wildly optimistic gesture, I'm going to leave work early today and do some maternity clothes shopping. Going to debut the baby bump here next week, as well...it's getting ridiculous how big my belly's already getting.
Hope everyone has a great weekend, and thanks so much for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
My clinic says my hormone levels are "outstanding." They're having me go off all meds tomorrow, and then do a final check (labs) on Tuesday. Eep! Are things really working out this way?!? Could this whole thing be any more of a roller coaster?!?
Grace in Small Things, September 8, 2011
1. Love this lamp (above)! I want one!
2. Got a good night's sleep last night. Although I keep having dreams about miscarriage (understandable) and drinking while pregnant and getting in trouble for it (weird. Because I have absolutely NO desire to drink now that I'm pregnant, and I'm not a big drinker anyway...more a glass-of-wine-with-dinner kind of girl. Don't know why drinking-in-pregnancy is all over my subconscious).
3. Along the same lines, clean sheet night tonight. I love the first night with new sheets. :)
4. I got A LOT of writing done this afternoon. I'm working on some little stories about the first few years I surfed in San Francisco area. Always so incredibly hard for me to sit down and get started writing something, always so incredibly gratifying when I do.
5. I get to have labwork done tomorrow, which means I'm going to get some sort of peek into what's going on with the babies. In my mind, hormone numbers my clinic is happy with means babies are doing OK, hormone levels out of whack means maybe something bad is happening (weird hormone levels was one of the first signs something was going wrong with my last pregnancy). SO glad I don't have to wait all the way until my ultrasound on Tuesday to get some reassurance. (Trying to stay positive and assume the news will be good.)
XOXO
Image Credit: The Selby via sfgirlbybay.
Grace in Small Things, September 7, 2011
1. My husband is a night owl and doesn't mind (much) if I wake up at 4 AM needing to be talked off the ledge.
2 Had kind of a standard OB appointment this AM...no exam, but just a bunch of questions, paperwork, etc. My favorite nurse did the appointment. She was the nurse working with my OB who died last spring, so I don't usually get to work with her anymore, but I see her in the office and she hugs me every time she sees me. She's so lovely. She says they all say prayers for me and my babies.
(By the way, not doing so great today. I know there is no logical reason to be scared of miscarriage, but it's 9 weeks and my gut says bad things happen at 9 weeks. Tears have been shed. But really trying not to go to that place of fear, if for nothing else because my husband said to me yesterday that if I'm scared, he's scared and if I'm OK, he's OK as far as all this baby stuff goes. I don't want him to suffer for no reason, when everything's probably going to turn out to be fine.)
3. Cut up peaches in milk. Is there anything better to eat in the world?
4. You guys, for reading along and leaving such awesome and supportive comments. I'm tearing up...it really means so much to have you out there rooting for me. Heart you guys!
5. Came out to my parent's place to work this afternoon...they've got some land and it's so lush and green and lovely...it hardly feels like working when you're sitting outside listening to a fountain gurgle, smelling the green grass, breathing the fresh air...
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, September 6, 2011
1. I am loving, loving, loving the blog honey of a thousand flowers right now (originally discovered via Fabulous K), with its absolutely gorgeous flower arrangements like the one above. I have secret dreams of being a florist someday, and if it ever happens, I want the things I put together to look like this. Love that this floral designer's based out of Salt Lake City, too...sometimes I feel like the only cool things happening are on the East and West coasts, and it's good to be reminded that that's not true...
2. Rain today. And the temperature is cooler. And some of the leaves on the apple tree outside my office window are starting to tinge yellow. Ah, fall...if it wasn't for snowboarding, fall would definitely be my favorite season.
3. My dog Newton sits on the fuzzy white bath mat while I take a shower, and then as soon as I'm out wrapping myself in a towel, he starts licking the water off my ankles. He is just too adorable.
4. Symphony season tickets arrived in the mail. Love the symphony here. And I always feel that because we're not in a big city, the visiting artists that come here don't feel the pressure to perform the standard, well-liked stuff they often need to. Instead, they can play around with more obscure things that are near and dear to their hearts. Which makes for some amazing performances...
5. Had labwork done today and my progesterone levels are a lot lower than last week. Kind of freaking out waiting for my clinic to call. (I get the results from my local lab and then email them to my out-of-town clinic, so I know the results before I can get any sort of interpretation of them, and I don't really have a good handle on what the numbers mean). But it's good that my clinic is monitoring me closely, right? I'll update here with what they say when they call...
XOXO
Image Credit: honey of a thousand flowers.
CCRM called and said not to worry...to stay on my Endometrin and re-check Friday...
Deep breaths...