Pregnancy: Week 8

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today! Yay!

Here's how Week 8 has been:

• I'm sounding like a broken record with this, but right now it's still all about pretty terrible nausea, a crazy sense of smell (which is definitely contributing to the nausea), and fatigue. I've pretty much given into the fatigue vs fighting it...figure my body is trying to tell me something...and have been napping every day
• Work can be really challenging when I'm feeling so sick, but I somehow seem to be getting everything done
• Boobs are bigger and sorer. My belly seems rounder, as well
• I had another really bad headache this week...ugh
• Started reading specifically about twins this week, and am feeling a little overwhelmed by: a) how much I am supposed to eat (not worried about weight gain...it is what it is...but how am I supposed to get that much food into my body? Especially when food is the enemy right now? I can scarcely remember what it was like to actually WANT to eat something.) And b) the possibility of bed rest. And c) the reality of having two infants. I know it's going to work out and I don't even need to worry about anything but eating and resting at this point, but I'm still a little bit in the "terrified I'm having twins" camp. I just need some more time to get used to the idea, I know...
• My husband and I are talking about the babies a LOT...a lot more than previous weeks...and we were going to wait until after the first trimester was over to do that, but we just can't seem to help ourselves. My husband's making me laugh so much over the babies, too...silly things like we were out to dinner and he drew what looked like two manatees on a napkin with talk bubbles and the babies saying things to me...I don't know, something about the babies-as-manatees, I just could not stop laughing. This is turning out to be a very happy time for me and my husband...we're making lots of plans big and little for the future and how we will raise our babies...it's really lovely. He's been so great about me being sick, too. My mom was saying she'd expect a lot of guys to be like, "You wanted to be pregnant...suck it up." But my husband's not like that at all. He listens to me complain about being sick (although I'm trying really hard not to talk about it.) And he does what he can to help, which includes making dinner and doing the dishes most of the time. He's just being so wonderful...

Week 9 is the week we lost our last baby back in April (although we didn't find out until 11 weeks). I have an appointment next Tuesday (a week from tomorrow) to check in on the babies...hopefully they are still there and doing well! In the meantime, just trying to stay calm and positive (and to tell you the truth, with morning sickness and exhaustion, there isn't room for a whole lot of panicing, which I guess is something to be grateful for.)

Hope everyone has a lovely week. :)

XOXO

FAQ Fridays: A Dream About My Brother

So you had a dream about your brother. Which one?

Luke, the one who died.

Have you dreamed about him before?

No. (Well, I've dreamed about him dead, but that doesn't really count.)

And it's funny, a lot of people have had dreams with him in them, and I've always felt bad because it doesn't happen to me.

My BFF had a dream with Luke in it shortly after he died (they were very close) and said to him in the dream, "Why don't you go visit your sister? You should go visit your sister!" And he said, "Nah, she's too sad."

So I've always kind of felt like when I'm not so sad anymore, I'll dream of him. I had no idea it would take more than 6 years to get to that point, though.

What was the dream like?

He was his teenaged self, with crazy bushy hair, not the age he was when he died (27), when he had his hair pretty much buzz-cut.

He was across a busy city street from me (not sure where), and he saw me and his face lit up with a smile and he waved, and I waved back, and then he was gone.

So you didn't get to talk to him?

No. (My husband's first question when I told him about the dream was, "Did you ask him if he likes the boy name we picked?" [If we have a son, we're planning to name him Luke.] He was disappointed that my brother and I didn't get to have that conversation.)

How do you feel about the dream?

Good. Really good. I personally believe those connections in dreams are very real...as real as if we were talking long-distance on the phone. I really hope I dream of him again, and this time we get to have a conversation. But just seeing him....alive isn't the right word here...present, maybe? That was awesome.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

Image Credit: secret maison via Paul et Paula.

Grace in Small Things, September 1, 2011

1. I have the sweetest mom in the whole wide world. She knows the next couple weeks are going to be tough, as this was the time when I lost my last baby. She made me a little bag of presents...one for each day until my next ultrasound. Just little things, but there's so much love in these gifts. I'm so lucky...

2. One of my best friends has this thing about turtles. She loves them--and thinks they're lucky. She told me yesterday she puts my ultrasound dates on her calendar, and wears turtle jewelry on those days.

3. Work is busy. Which is good in that my maternity fund is getting funded (I freelance, and plan to take 3 months off when the babies are born, and my husband's finishing his last year of college right now, so, yeah, we need money in the bank for those months). A busy work schedule is helping to make that goal a reality.

4. Could not sleep last night, but my first call this morning was at 10 AM, so slept in until 9:45...so fortunate to be able to do that!

5. Meeting a friend in a few minutes for an ice cream cone...soooooo nauseous, but I know ice cream is going to help. :)

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, August 31, 2011

1. I ordered this sweater (above) before I was pregnant, and for some reason it's been sitting in its box (very unlike me). I opened it yesterday, and realized it's going to be the perfect maternity sweater. Yay!

2. Plain yogurt and rasberries and granola homemade by my mom for breakfast.

3. There are big, lush clusters of hot-pink roses in my rose garden right now, and the way the sun tinged the edges of them early this morning when I let the dogs out into the yard was absolutely divine.

4. My IVF nurse says my lab numbers look "perfect," and is weaning me further off my medications. I'm getting weaned off way faster than last time...not sure if that's because of the twins, or because last time things weren't going as smoothly. Either way, I'm happy.

5. We have a cricket in our house. He's in our kitchen and he chirps, so loud, at night. If we find him we'll put him outside, but I kind of like him in here with us. I keep thinking: lucky cricket, lucky cricket, lucky cricket.

Hope everyone has a lovely day!

XOXO

Image Credit: Anthropologie.

8 Week 2 Day Ultrasound: Everything's Looking Great! :)

Hi Everyone!

So I had my second ultrasound today...we had to wait about 45 minutes in the waiting room...I was soooooo nervous! But everything is looking great!

Both Baby A and Baby B are measuring right on track.

And have good, strong heartbeats.

And my OB says at this point there is nothing to worry about.

She also said as of today we're about 85% safe as far as not losing these babies.

Also that she sees me as just a normal twin pregnancy...does not see me in the high risk category, which makes me feel so good. I'm going to get to be a normal pregnant girl! (I hope!)

My next appointment is 9/13, and I'm going to be trying sooooooo hard just to trust that everything is OK in there between now and then. I am feeling better after today's appointment, even though last time I was pregnant (and miscarried) everything looked perfect at this point, too. But even so, each hoop we successfully jump through makes me feel like we might actually make it this time...that there might actually be real live babies at the end of all this.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 7

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 8 weeks pregnant today! :)

Here's how the past week has gone:

• Nausea. Pretty much 24/7. Although every once in a while there's been a brief respite (and then, of course, I worry that something's wrong with the babies)
• Food aversions...I don't know, right now I feel like I don't want to eat anything. But once I start eating, whatever I'm eating seems to be OK. And I feel better after I eat, so there's that incentive
• My boobs are way bigger and more sensitive
• I got a horrible headache one night, and I almost never get headaches. It was bad enough that I even took some Tylenol, which I've been really scared to do, even though the doctor says it's fine 
• The spotting that went on nonstop for about 2 weeks is finally gone
• Bella bands (which go over your pants and hold them up so you can unbutton them) are so my friend. Just got one yesterday and I am soooooo much more comfortable
• Edging closer to the time when I lost my last baby, and the fear is getting pretty bad. The way I'm dealing with it--not necessarily healthy, I know--is by spending an inordinate amount of time trying to make plans for what I'll do if I lose both babies. It's horrible to be thinking this way, but I guess I'm just trying to protect myself...to plan out a nice life for myself if all goes terribly wrong and we aren't ever able to have children...I don't know, all this just feels so fragile and unreal right now...I'm scared to believe this is actually going to work. Working really hard to stay focused on the positive right now and not let these fears consume me...
• Ultrasound tomorrow...been feeling pretty OK about it until today but now I'm sooooo nervous

Hope everyone has a lovely week.

XOXO

Grace in Small Things: August 28, 2011

Hi Everyone!

I know I don't usually blog on the weekends, but I've been thinking a lot about some things, and wanted to get started on something new (which I'll be describing below).

Here's the deal: I've been trying to be somewhat cheerful around here--or at least balance out all the negative stuff that's running through my brain--but the truth is, between:

1) Morning sickness pretty much 24/7, and

2) Being terrified of miscarriage (this fear is growing so strong as I approach the time when things went wrong with my last pregnancy), and

3) (To a far lesser extent) not feeling like myself at all...feeling kind of bummed about the fact I can't be outdoor adrenaline girl for a while, and I just feel fat and out of shape (but don't yet look pregnant)...and I can't travel...all totally fine for the sake of healthy babies, but it doesn't change the fact that this process is stripping away so many parts of me and I'm finding that a little hard to deal with...

Anyway, each day I've been slipping a little bit deeper into a funk. And I need to do something about it. 

Bottom line, I don't want to go all Pollyanna and sugarcoat everything and run around here saying: "Life is great! Everything is happy and perfect and blissful!" I still want to do posts on whatever I'm struggling with/rejoycing over. But I do want to try and focus more on all the good in my life...I NEED to focus more on all the good in my life, because I shouldn't be feeling so terrible. I mean, I'm pregnant! And right now, there's no reason to think anything's wrong! And I won't feel so sick and be so restricted forever! (And besides, it's for SUCH a good cause.)

I've been thinking about something Sprogblogger used to do on her blog. The idea originally came from Schmutzi, and it's called "Grace in Small Things." Essentially, you list five things--small things--each day that you're grateful for.

So without further ado:

1. My husband, and how handy he is. We had a water pipe burst in our rose garden last week, and he fixed it yesterday, no problem (with me sitting beside him handing him tools) 

2. My parents bringing me food so I don't have to cook. Fresh sweet corn from my dad this week. Ratatouille and split pea soup from my mom 

3. A hike this morning (and I use that term loosely)...on a flat trail called "Kid's Meal," but still nice to get outdoors, breath in some fresh air, let the dogs run around and play

4. A newly purchased Bella Band and maternity tank top. This past week all of a sudden not a lot of my clothes are comfortable anymore....my waistbands dig in, my tank tops ride up. I can't believe how comfortable I am all of a sudden. This alone is going to make me happier...

5. My husband started his final year of college last week (he was in the Navy for eight years, returned to school on the GI Bill) and study sessions started today at our house. Since I need to get out of the way while these are going on, I've decided to use that time to work on the book that I'm trying to get a solid draft of done before the babies come. Today was my first day to sit down and work on it...felt so good

Hope everyone's been having a great weekend! Thanks, as always, for stopping by. :)

XOXO

Minturn

Hi Everyone and Happy Friday!

Thought I'd share some pictures today from yesterday's little mountain getaway. I had such a good time! :)

I met a friend of mine, Donna, in Minturn, which is just outside of Vail, CO. It's the cutest little mountain town, with a totally charming Main Street (top picture). It's built right next to a little creek fronted by a park (bottom)...after lunch and a little window shopping, Donna and I sat on rocks by the creek and talked and talked and talked and talked.

I thought these flowers poking out from the fence were so charming. And here's Ms. Donna...love this girl. I met her when she was dating my roommate Chris in college at CU Boulder, and then she was part of the group of us that all moved to San Francisco after college was over. She and I have also done countless hiking and backpacking trips...she's super strong and along with my parents probably my favorite person to backpack with. 

Love the colors of the flowers with the blue trim outside one of the stores on Main Street (top picture). And I am in love with this cute little house (bottom). My husband and I could live here and I could snowboard in Vail every day, the kids could throw rocks in the creek in the summers and my husband and I could have date nights in the little saloon/Mexican restaurant down the street with the biggest fireplace I have ever seen...

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

XOXO

Let's Talk About Happy Things, Shall We?

Good Lord, it's been depressing around here this week. Thanks, everyone, so much for all your comments and support over the past couple days. Let's balance things out today by talking about little bits of happiness, shall we?

• Yes, I'm already dreaming about the nursery. I love the mix of prints in the picture above. I have these big dreams of sewing all sorts of stuff for the babies' room, but I'm famous for having homemaking dreams that never quite make it to reality. It's so hard to find the time...
• My blood draw yesterday shows my hormones looking good...am continuing the weaning-from-the-meds process...
• Do any of you get Vogue delivered? Have you seen the September issue? I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds, and I think this might qualify. Insomnia's going to be a little more fun around here for the next night or two...
• I've been trying to get out for a walk in the early mornings this week, and the weather's been perfect...cool and lovely...and I live in an old historic downtown neighborhood that's got lots of interesting things to see...I never walk around my neighborhood...I'm always out to the wilderness for a hike but that's not really in the cards right now...the alternative has been really nice...
• I just agreed to send out 25 pages to my writing group in a few weeks. Which is great, because it guarantees I'll actually get something done
• My husband loves me :)
• I'm playing hooky from work tomorrow to meet up with a college friend who's here from California...staying in Denver...we're going to meet near Vail, which is halfway, and I can't wait. My freelance/telecommuting job is awesome, because I can say, "I'm tied up on Thursday," and that gets planned around, no questions asked

Hope everyone's having a great week!

XOXO

Image Credit: On to Baby via Diaper Style Memories.

Comic, and Some Thoughts on Life and Death

Comic a few years ago just out of the wading pool, where he used to love to cool off on hot summer days.

My brother Luke who died, he always said someday he wanted a dog named Comic. So when my parents got a puppy shortly after Luke's death, that's what they named him.

And what a sweet dog. Followed you everywhere you went. Kisses like crazy. Smart as anything. An athlete of a dog...could hike all day and be ready for more. 

Comic turned five a few months ago. A couple weeks ago, he stopped eating. Long story short, numerous vet visits and lots of love at home, he died yesterday. A blood disease, out of the blue, killing a healthy dog.

My parents have a garden--a berm--they constructed in memory of my brother. Yesterday they buried Comic there. They put a corrugated length of plastic pipe that Comic loved to chew on, to take in his mouth and shake, on top of his grave. My dad dug that grave even before his dog had died, knowing what was inevitable. It breaks my heart to think of him doing that.

A lot of death this year.

My father-in-law.

My uncle.

My OB.

Our unborn baby.

This.

And I know Comic's just a dog, and not even my dog.

Still. 

I hate the reminder that death can come to anyone, at anytime, no warning whatsoever. It's hard. One of my big challenges in this life is to trust and believe that there is more to life than this, the snatching away of people and things that you love. Sometimes it feels like that's all there is. Loss upon loss upon loss, and what counters it? Anything? Or do you just sink deeper and deeper until it's finally your turn to die, to be released from all that pain?

"Luke always wanted a dog named Comic," my mom said to me when I stopped by yesterday, her eyes tearing up. "Now he's got him."

We love you, Comic. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 6

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's what's been happening over the past week:

• Morning sickness is not my friend. It's way worse than last week. About the same as last time I was pregnant, which wasn't pretty. Not puking, but on the verge and dealing with serious nausea 24/7. Sucks. The only day I didn't feel terrible was Saturday, and then I was worried something was wrong with the babies because I was feeling better, lol. Just no way to win here
• We found out last week we are having twins, and I'm still reeling a bit from the news. Worried about how we'll handle it physically, emotionally, financially. I'm also worried about the babies, but everything I've been reading indicates that a twin pregnancy can be a very healthy pregnancy, so trying to stay focused on that fact. On the positive side, I'm feeling like twins are going to be so fun. And also, it's such a huge, huge bonus that we won't have to go through IVF again for a second child. I've done five rounds of IVF and I am really about at my limit. If we were to lose these babies, I'm not sure I could try again. But no need to think about that right now...
• My body is already changing a lot. My boobs are HUGE. My stomach is so round, too...it's already feeling enormous to me vs how my body usually is. So weird
• Napping most days
• I've been spotting all week, very light but it's annoying (and a little scary having it go on for so long). My clinic says it's fine. They also say I can't have sex until it stops. Sigh
• Eating is not fun. Really nothing sounds the least bit appealing. But I feel a little better when I eat. And I can pretty much eat anything if I make myself...doesn't really seem to matter what it is...one food doesn't have an advantage over another. But there is zero pleasure in food right now
• My emotions and thoughts are all over the place, especially late at night when I'm having trouble sleeping. I am so very happy and relieved to be pregnant. But I'm also worried about how my life is going to change. I think you gain so incredibly much with a child, but you have to give up things, too, at least for the short term. I'm scared about how my body is going to change...will I ever be fit again? I'm bummed I have to miss another snowboarding season (I missed last year's being pregnant, and then miscarried at the very end of it), although I guess two babies for two snowboarding seasons is a fair trade. I'm going to need to work part-time after the babies are born, but is that going to be OK for the babies? (This is the first time I've worried that not being a full-time mom might not be a good idea.) Are we going to be OK with all the extra expenses the babies are going to bring? Etc.
• Still worried about miscarriage, although it's more a nagging fear in the background vs something I am totally obsessed with. I hate being in a place where I'm wishing time away, but between being sick and the very real possibility of miscarrying one or both of these babies, I just want the first trimester to be over. I've already gone through a tough first trimester...ready for something new and hopefully a bit more comfortable and a bit less scary... 

Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

XOXO

Julieta

Me and my childhood friend Julieta, Bahia Kino, Mexico.

So when I was little, my grandparents used to live in Mexico in the winters, in a little, not-at-all-touristy town called Bahia Kino. Generally, poor Mexicans lived in the actual town ("Old Kino"), and Americans (including my grandparents) and rich Mexicans in a long row of houses strung along the beautiful sand beach ("New Kino"). 

I used to go down from a very young age (8 or 9) and spend a month or two there each winter. (The fact that I could miss a month or two of school had more to do with the quality of our school system vs my intelligence. I did bring my books and keep up.)

My grandpa had made friends with one of the families in Old Kino...a mom and dad and 15 or so kids living in a two-room dirt floor tar-paper shack. One of the daughters was close to my age, and my grandfather asked if she'd take me to school with her each day, and home to play after. She said yes. This is how I met Julieta.

The money/class distinction never bothered me, never even entered my mind, really, I think because I was in her (Julieta's) world day to day. I would have been lost without her. In the beginning, I didn't even speak the language (no one in Old Kino spoke a word of English). Plus my parents (and grandparents) had raised me to be very open-minded.

The way I remember Julieta and her family is happy. Loving. No one went hungry (in fact, the food is one of the things I remember most fondly from that time. Tortillas patted out by Julieta's mother, charred on top of a rusted oil barrel with a fire burning inside and then you went over to the enormous pot of beans and scooped out what you wanted to go with your tortillas...absolute heaven). Everyone had what they needed. They lived right by the sea in this idyllic little village. And they were so nice to me...I have never had people be nicer or more welcoming.

I went to Kino every year through high school, and then didn't go back for many years. Julieta married and had her babies while still a teenager, just like the rest of the girls. She moved to the big city, a house with tile floors, she and her husband running a little convenience store on a corner on the edge of the city, near the airport, where the roads are still dirt and rutted, not paved.

I've been back to visit a couple of times in the past few years, and it's been awesome. One cold winter afternoon on my first visit, Julieta and I curled up under the covers in her bed, a little Spanish-to-English dictionary between us (my Spanish has hugely atrophied), talked and sign-languaged about what had been going on in all the intervening years, laughed and cried and it was like no time had passed at all.

Other than my two fairly recent visits, it's been really hard to keep in touch with Julieta...phone calls and emails...the technology for some reason does not work for us consistently. But I'm writing about her today because yesterday we became Facebook friends (yay!), and I have high hopes that that is going to make it easier for us to keep in touch. 

Our backgrounds and lives could not be more different. But she is without a doubt one of the people in this world most dear to me.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

XOXO

Not Feeling Very Well...

A cute puppy pic is about all I can muster blog post-wise today.

Hope everyone's Thursday is going great.

XOXO

First Ultrasound: Is There Anything Alive in There? And How Many Babies Are There?

Hi Everyone!

Well, big news today!

First of all, I had the worst miscarriage dreams last night...not like my actual miscarriage last time I was pregnant (which was a missed miscarriage and ended with a D&C), but lots of blood and little tiny things I was trying to figure out if they were babies or not. And they were the kind of dreams you wake up from and you're not sure if it was a dream or if it really happened. Yeah, my anxiety surrounding today has been pretty high.

But, good news! There is nothing dead inside me! What a huge relief (although I know it's still the first trimester, things can still go wrong, etc. Trying not to go there right now.)

And...I think this is also good news, although I'm a little shell-shocked about it at this point...we are having TWINS! I knew the second my OB stuck the ultrasound wand inside me...I could see two...and then my OB just went to one baby and spent a lot of time looking and measuring, until I said, "Um, can you take a look around and tell me if there are two?" She laughed and looked and said, "Yes."

I'm so excited! And also so scared! I just need a little time to get my head wrapped around the reality of this, and I'm sure it's going to be the best thing ever. :)

So that's the update. Wow. Hard to believe...

XOXO

Baby's/Babies' First Camping Trip :)

Hi Everyone!

Today I thought I'd share a few pictures from my camping trip this past weekend!

My brother and I met in Seargent, CO, which is off Highway 50 at the Western base of Monarch Pass. This is a great halfway meeting point for the two of us. We went up a dirt road towards Marshall Pass and found this great campsite in the National Forest. There was no one around, which was great, and a stream right across the road for our dogs (left, and the road was essentially untraveled, so no problem letting the dogs run loose).

Usually when I meet my brother to camp we hike and/or hit the hot springs during the day/evening, but right now I'm not allowed to do either of those things, so my brother brought his dirt bike and went riding (right) while I took a super easy walk, read and napped.

So my preferred mode of camping is backpacking, but I'm no snob about car camping (I'm always just happy to get out in the wilderness!), and camping with my brother's pop-up camper (top picture, in the background)) is the best thing ever when you're pregnant (and I imagine it's going to be awesome with babies/young children, too.) By the way, that's our new family-sized Jeep in the foreground (last time I was pregnant my husband had us trade in my 2-door for a 4-door.)

Lots of cows this trip (bottom picture; it's an open range up there). Noisy cows. And my littlest boxer rolled in cow poop the minute we got there...yuck! He and the rest of the dogs slept in the bed of my brother's pickup, instead of in the camper like they usually do.

Gorgeous sunset as seen from our camp (top), and of course a campfire (bottom)...love, love, love having campfires.

We're planning on going back in the fall when the aspen are turning...to a little spot we discovered up the road in this huge aspen grove...should be amazing.

Hope everyone's week is going well.

XOXO

Pregnancy Week 5

Happy Monday, Everyone!

I'm 6 weeks pregnant today! Here's what's been going on pregnancy-wise over the past week:

• Well, I'm not going to avoid the nausea. It's back. But it's OK, especially if I can put something in my stomach
• I'm dealing with food aversions like crazy. A couple nights last week all I could stomach was a few crackers and a juice popsicle...nothing else sounded remotely good. I'm finding it really tricky to grocery shop because once I get the food home I don't want to eat it. Very, very little sounds appealing. The only thing I'll consistently eat is cereal (Shredded Wheat or Cheerios) with milk and fruit
• I'm so very tired. Napping almost every day. Sometimes having trouble sleeping at night
• Sore boobs (although not that bad) and a crazy amped up sense of smell
• Lots of brown spotting, especially towards the end of the week, which my clinic swears is nothing to worry about so I'm trying not to worry (but it's hard)
• My belly is so bloated. I can still wear my clothes for the most part, and under clothes you can't really tell, but my belly is already seeming so huge to me compared to what it normally is

I've got my first ultrasound this Wednesday and am getting VERY nervous about it. I'm scared all they are going to find are dead babies. Ugh...being pregnant after miscarrying is HARD. Trying to stay distracted and positive but it's hard. And feeling so pregnant isn't setting my mind at ease, because when I miscarried before I was still having symptoms all over the place. I think I'll feel so much better when Wednesday is over...

Hope everyone has a great week!

XOXO

Plans to Bring Some Creativity Back Into My Life

So I work in a creative field, which is great, but I also like to do a variety of creative stuff on the side, just for me. Stuff that's been HARD to do while going through IVF (read: for the past 18 months or so), because I find the extra time for all the appointments, my clinic being out of town, the dugs making me crazy, and just the general stress and anxiety associated with IVF...I just don't have anything left.

But I'm pregnant now (knock on wood). And granted, morning sickness and exhaustion may put a kink in these plans, but I really want to try to make an effort to do some creative things on a personal level again.

Writing

One of my New Year's Resolutions for this year was to finish a bunch of short pieces that I've written and send them out for publication. This hasn't gone so well. Partly because of the IVF distractions detailed above, but also because I don't like short pieces. I don't like reading them. I don't like writing them. I've been trying to work with short pieces because they're the logical thing to work on/try to get published to build my career as a writer, but it's not what I love. What I love is books. Big, long, sprawling projects, where I don't feel so hugely confined, like I do when I try to write something short. So I'm going to let the short pieces go.

Instead, I have a book in my head (actually, some of it's already down on paper). It's about San Francisco, where I lived for seven years, young and just out of school, during the first dot com boom/bust. A lot of interesting stuff happened there (I think that's really true of anyone who's lived in San Francisco.) What I want to write is kind of a love letter to the city, written in a very unusual style (eg, not straight narration). I don't know how to explain it, other than this book just needs to be written how it wants to be written. I've been thinking about this book for a couple years, and even if no one else ever wants to read it, it's the type of book I would love to read. If it comes out the way I hope that it does, it is going to be so cool.

I'm committing some time each day to work on it, Monday through Friday. I would LOVE to have this book all down on paper before the baby comes.

I'm also going to hook up with a group of local writers I've worked with in the past...we critique each other's work and there is nothing more motivating than a group of people expecting work from you.

Photography

I know what I'm doing when it comes to writing a book (the San Francisco book will be my fourth.) I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to photography. It's fun to be a beginner!

I'm taking an online workshop over the next 6 weeks, and I'm so excited about it! I have a fancy camera, but don't really know how to use it...am just using it as a point-and-shoot and would like to change that. I'm taking the course because I don't learn very well from manuals, and also, as above, I'm very motivated by people expecting things from me.

So I just wanted to put it out there that I'm trying to get back the creative side of my being. Again, fingers crossed that morning sickness/exhaustion doesn't thwart these plans...

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend! 

XOXO

Newton

Hi Everyone!

So I'm doing a little photography workshop (more on that tomorrow), and am going to make my dog Newton a recurring subject. As such, he's going to be doing a little guest-starrring here over the next few weeks.

This (above) is yesterday just after his bath (I'm pretty terrible about washing my dogs, by the way...a bath is a somewhat rare occurrence) and racing around the yard with our other boxer, Dexter. He's (Newton) really the happiest dog ever...

XO

House Rules

I came across these House Rules over the weekend, written and designed by Martina of My Mid-Centruy Modern Life just prior to the arrival of her little foster daughter. Love, love, love...hope you all enjoy, as well.

XO

Making Pregnancy Harder Than it Needs to Be

So here's a window into my latest neuroses as far as pregnancy is concerned:

I could not sleep last night. And not the normal I can't fall asleep for an hour or two, or I'm up for an hour or two. No, it was like 5 AM and still wide awake. My hip was hurting (old sports injury), which I think was what was keeping me awake, and I knew some Tylenol would help. So I went downstairs and got two capsules, came back upstairs and re-read the print-out from my clinic about what's allowed (Tylenol is on the list)...and then...I just could not take it. And I don't really understand why. 

And Tylenol's not the only thing...I've got this long list of things that I won't do that would make me happy/more comfortable to do, like:

• No sleeping on my stomach (I love sleeping on my stomach), because my clinic said not to during the 2WW and I want to be extra careful even though the 2WW is over
• No tea of any kind, and I love tea in the morning, but I'm scared I'm going to have a reaction or something to something herbal, and even though my clinic says decaf tea is OK I'm scared to have any caffeine in my body (decaf has a small amount)
• No putting my computer on my lap (which is my preferred way of working), just in case it could cause some harm (there are no studies that say that it will, but it still makes me nervous). Instead I'm working in places/positions that aren't as comfortable for me
• No pedicures (and this is a sacrifice)
• Etc.

None of these things have been banned by my clinic/OB, but I guess it's me being nervous about this pregnancy, not wanting to do anything wrong, or more accurately, if I do miscarry, not wanting to have ANYTHING I can look back on and say, "Maybe that one thing caused it." 

I feel like a crazy person...why can I not do things my doctors clearly say are OK? Does anyone else struggle with this?

XO