Some Thoughts on Maternity Leave, and Going Back to Work

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I have two weeks left of a three-month maternity leave, and I have to say I am so incredibly glad I have had this time. Would love to take more--actually would love more than anything to be a stay-at-home mom--but my husband and I have decided that it makes financial sense for me to work at least a little. And I am so, so lucky, in that I am going to be working part time, not full time, and from home, which cuts out the time that would otherwise be needed away from the kids to get dressed for work, commute, etc.

I have really needed these three months to 1) recover physically from the birth (it was only a week or so ago that I finally stopped bleeding), and 2) figure out how to function with these little guys.

Some things that have gotten ironed out include:

• Getting over the terrible anxiety I had during the first weeks. I still have it a little, but it's about 90% gone, maybe because of hormonal shifts, maybe because the babies are still around and alive (none of the horrible things I was thinking have come true), maybe because I've figured out some tricks to get those thoughts out of my head
• Breastfeeding. I've never had enough milk for my babies, and breastfeeding was extremely painful in the beginning. I went from trying to breastfeed exclusively (only lasted a couple days), to breastfeeding-formula feeding-pumping (the breastfeeding part was painful and the whole routine so time consuming), to pumping 8 times/day and bottle feeding, which worked pretty well, but about a month ago I started getting so sick of the pump. So with the help of the lactation nurses I have started breastfeeding again. Now I pump once or twice a day and breastfeed the rest of the time (still supplementing with bottles of formula as needed). The pain I had with breastfeeding is gone...I think from my nipples toughening up and also me and the babies learning better what to do. I've even managed to tandem breastfeed a couple of times, although that is not the norm. And, I actually think my milk supply is increasing. I have a cousin who also had a hard time breastfeeding, and she said her milk supply increased dramatically around 3 months...hoping that's what's happening to me. I still have some sadness about how breastfeeding's turned out, but I'm doing the best I can...
• Sleep. At first we were up 24/7 with these little guys, as they were not getting enough to eat and cried constantly (just lasted a couple of days). Then both my husband and I got up for every single meal, and were absolutely exhausted (and short-tempered to boot...we barely ever fight and there were some testy days and weeks in there...). Now we've settled into a routine where he takes the night shift and I the morning shift, and that is working great
• Normal life. The first month or so we didn't take the twins anywhere, and after that at first everything--going for a walk in the stroller, taking them to my parent's house, going grocery shopping, etc--was intimidating. Now that we've done them and know how it works, these sorts of things and more are routine
• Chores (eg going to the bank, washing the dogs, taking care of paperwork, laundry, etc). At first, nothing got done. Now we have tasks for each weekday (weekends off), so things get accomplished, and also we don't feel overwhelmed by all there is to do...we just do what we need to for that day, which is manageable
• Meals. At first, friends and neighbors brought us meals, which was so incredibly helpful. Then, we had a hard time because we couldn't get our act together to go to the store (enter lots of fast food, which I normally don't eat). Now, we shop with the kids every Monday, make a menu and are eating really heathly (meats on the BBQ, lots of veggies, no desserts). My husband does most of the cooking (he's so great at it, and loves doing it), with me helping with prep and side dishes...

So, what do things look like moving forward?

I'm a little scared about going back to work, because I already feel like there aren't enough hours in the day (time to blog, for instance, is hard to come by). But because my husband is job hunting, he's going to be able to take care of the kids while I work, which will make for a nice transition. (And once he goes back to work, my mother-in-law is going to move with us to help...such a Godsend.) I'm hoping I can still nurse on demand some, as my schedule will be flexible except for conference calls. And I would love it if I could have one of the kids with me...maybe in a wrap while I type up documents or talk on the phone...or maybe laying in my lap dozing, as both kids are doing right now.

It's going to be interesting to see how it all works out. And who knows, I might enjoy the intellectual challenge of working again, and I think it's going to be nice to have some more contact with the outside world. 

Trying not to focus on how sad I am that I won't be around the kids all day, and instead look at ways I can incorporate them into my workday, and remember to be so, so grateful to be working an abbreviated schedule at home.

XOXO

Schedule (Or Lack Thereof)

My husband and I are in kind of an unusual position, with both of us home for now. (I have 3 weeks left of maternity leave, he's here job hunting.) And I think mostly because of this, we are pretty much schedule-free as far as the twins go. (I also kind of like the idea of just tending to their needs as they arise, as they are only two months old, but if we weren't both here to do the work things would have to change.)

Our days go pretty much like this:

7 AM: I wake up and breastfeed a baby, or if they are both asleep, pump. My husband heads off to bed.

7 AM - 1 PM: I feed and entertain babies. We used to try to have them on the same feeding schedule (which is what the twins books recommend), but if just one person is taking care of them, it's actually easier to have them staggered. Usually they'll ask to eat at different times, but if I need to feed them together I have that down (one breastfed one bottle...I have yet to master tandem breastfeeding). They may or may not take a nap. One of them is usually in the swing, which often puts them to sleep (we only have one swing). If I can I try to eat breakfast, take a shower, pick up around the house, start on chores, but often there's very little I can manage that's not baby-related.

1 PM - 10 PM: My husband and I take care of the twins together, and all spend time together as a family. We do our daily chores (we have tasks assigned for every day of the week...today is the day to wash the dogs and weed the flower beds, and for "Laundry Part 1," which is my husband washing the laundry after I go to bed. "Laundry Part 2" is me putting everything away in the morning). We cook dinner together, or maybe walk downtown and eat outside with the babies (they are still in that stage where it's fairly easy to bring them to restaurants. I hear that won't last.) Also sometimes in the afternoons one of us will go out on our own while the other watches the babies (like the other day when I went out and got a pedicure. Or I'm starting to take the dogs on short hikes...good for me and for them.) The kids may or may not nap...they seem to have days when they are awake the whole time and days when they sleep almost the whole day.

10 PM - 7 AM: 10 PM I pump and get ready for bed and wind down...try to be asleep by 11 PM. My husband watches the kids through the night, feeding them on demand (as we do throughout the day.) They each eat about twice during the night, which is fine now but isn't going to be so great once my husband goes back to work. I get up once at 3 AM to pump but other than that, I get a really good night's sleep, for which I am sooooooo grateful.

So things are pretty loose and flexible around here and that's working for us for now, and will probably be OK once I go back to work (I'm planning on working part time from home, probably in the afternoons it's looking like. I'm hoping I'll be flexible enough to still nurse on demand but we'll see). But once my husband is working full-time as well, things are going to have to change...somehow we're going to have to get the kids sleeping through longer stretches at night at the very least. And I'm going to need some help for some portion of the day so I can work. 

Anyway, this is what's working today...and it's working great. I'm a little worried that the kids are going to get too used to this sort of schedule and have trouble when we have to move into something more structured, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Our pediatrician said that at about 12 lbs. things start to get easier as far as sleeping through the night etc., and we're not too far from that.

Any thoughts on having kids on a schedule (or not)? I know this is such a personal thing...

Hope everyone's having a lovely Tuesday. :)

XOXO

Graduation

My husband graduated with his engineering degree on a beautiful, sunny Saturday.

He wanted to keep things low-key, so we had a barbecue after, just family.

(In fact, he told me he didn't even need that.

"But I want to make it special for you," I said.

"Every day hanging out with you and the kids is special," he replied.) 

Love the pics at the end with the kids in the graduation hat...

XOXO

P.S. I just realized I don't have any pictures of his mom in here. She was taking the pictures...lovely to have her with us on this special this day...

Up In The Air

This has been a really hard post to write for some reason...I've started it like five times...but today I'm going to write it and hit "publish" so I can maybe quit obsessing over all that's going on...

My husband just graduated from college with an engineering degree (he went back to school on the GI Bill), and a few months ago we though he had found a job in Salt Lake City and that we were set. It was a great job, and I was excited about SLC because it's not far from my family and it's in the West where I feel most comfortable and there's so much great outdoor stuff going on (hiking, snowboarding, etc.)

Well, we found out right around the time the babies were born that that job is not going to happen. We were a lot less upset about it than we would have been otherwise, because we had just had two beautiful healthy babies and figured that's all that really matters, right?

So now my husband is job hunting. Which doesn't really scare me...he's got a great resume and I don't think it's going to be a problem for him to get a job. Plus we're living pretty cheaply right now and there's no financial pressure for him to start working right away. And honestly it's ideal to have him at the house at the moment 24/7...he helps sooooooo much with the twins....ladies who do this on their own, I am in awe of you...don't know how you do it.

So I'm not worried about the job part. The part that is freaking me out a little is the moving. My husband's looking in the town where we live, but it's unlikely that he'll be able to find what he's looking for (it's a small town without a lot of opportunity). He's also looking in Colorado and Utah, either of which would keep us close to family and so wouldn't be such a big deal.

But we're also open to moving away. Maybe somewhere I know I want to go (eg, Seattle). But more likely somewhere I've never lived (right now there's talk of Virginia and Minnesota).

I hate change in general and moving in particular. There's fear surrounding going to a new place. But the biggest thing for me is not living near my family. Especially with the twins...it's really important to me that they are close to my parents. I've actually got a lot of grief tied up in this...it's so hard, and also I don't want to hurt my mom and dad in any way. There have definitely been tears and sleepless nights on my part over this, and my husband and I don't even know what we're doing yet.

Anyway, I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side/focus on the positives, such as:

1. We might end up close by, in which case all this worrying is for nothing
2. My parents like to travel and will come see us (we'll make sure wherever we end up there's a nice place for guests)
3. We can come visit as a family, and I can come for extra visits with the kids
4. There's phone and email and iChat etc.
5. I was VERY close to my grandparents growing up, even though they lived in another state, because my parents sent me to stay with them twice a year (Seattle in the summer, Mexico in the winter) for weeks at a time...some of the best memories of my life...we can do the same with our kids
6. My husband having a job is going to be amazing. We've done fine while he's been in school, but it'll be nice not to have the weight of providing for the family on my shoulders
7. Him having a job also means I can work part time, which is huge, as all I want to do is be at home with the twins (I freelance/telecommute so I can work from anywhere, which is a blessing)
8. A new town/city is going to be cool. I like exploring new places
9. A new house to decorate will be super fun
10. Also looking forward to being somewhere where I can settle in and be a bit more sociable than I've been here. I've had a hard time making friends here, which has never been the case for me. Part of it is when I moved here, I was so overwhelmed with grief over my brother's death that I didn't want to be around people I didn't know well. Plus I traveled a ton for work and pleasure, and got to see a lot of friends doing that, so there wasn't a huge need to make new ones. And I had my parents to hang out with

Anyway, lots to look forward to with this next chapter in our lives, wherever it may take us. And wherever we go, it doesn't have to be forever. That's the other thing...I always worry so much about making decisions like this because I feel like I have to make the "right" decision. But whatever we decide, we can change if it ends up not working for us.

Just trying really hard not to stress about all this and enjoy the here and now, which is me and my husband at home (I have one more month of maternity leave), my parents close by, a beautiful spring-moving-into-summer, great opportunities on the horizon...

Luke's Diary: Month 2

Hi!

Luke here. :) Mommy said I can do the two month update, since Zoey got to do the one month one. Things are pretty great! Daddy was finishing with school this month, so Grandma Peggy spent lots of time with us...it was so fun...we love Grandma Peggy!

Here's Sissy in the basket we used to share:

We're really too big to fit in it together now. These days, we make the rounds between the basket, the swinging chair and the bouncy chair. I miss sleeping next to Sissy, though. 

Speaking of sleep, Daddy has been staying up with us from 10 to 4 or 5, and then Mommy hangs out with us in the morning while Daddy sleeps. They are so much more rested than they were when they were both feeding us at every feeding. 

Here's another picture of Sissy:

And a couple of me:

And some of us together:

Everyone says me and Sissy are such easy babies. Except she wants what she wants when she wants it. Daddy made up a voice for her when she gets like that...kind of like an old-fashioned diva movie star, like Katharine Hepburn.

"Daddy!" Daddy says in his Zoey voice. "Feed me now, Daddy!"

Or: "Cuddle me, Daddy."

I just have a normal baby voice when Daddy does me, because most of the time I'm like, whateves. I do get some uncomfortable gas sometimes, though. Daddy says that's because my gasometer is broken.

We went on a picnic at the lake a little while ago, and Sissy got fussy and Grandpa Steve took her so Mommy could finish her dinner:

Grandpa Steve took her to the playground, and when they came back he told us they had had a career talk.

"Zoey doesn't want to be a writer like Mommy or an engineer like Daddy," he said. "She told me she wants to be a pediatrician or a fireman or maybe a pharmacist."

Grandma Charlotte came out for Daddy's graduation. I was so happy to see her again:

Here are some more pictures of Sissy:

And here she is with Daddy:

He does stuff like turn us upside down all the time. We love Mommy, but Daddy's the one who makes us laugh. Like when Mommy reads us a story, she just reads the words on the page. But when Daddy reads us a story, he makes up other stuff to go along with it. Like when he reads The Very Hungry Caterpillar, he gives the caterpillar a silly name like Federico McFuzzy Pants. And we get asides on stuff like caterpillar backstory and motivation.

And one night, we were crying for food and Daddy and Mommy weren't moving fast eonugh for me and Sissy and Daddy said in my voice: "Stupid cows." (He calls himself the man cow, and the formula he gives us fake moo. He calls Mommy the Mama Cow, and her milk the real moo.)

"Stupid cows," he said in my voice. "What does a boy have to do to get some milk around here?" And then later he looked up on the internet to see if there was a song named Stupid Cow and there was and it was a techno song and he did a little dance pretending it was me...my same jerky arm movements and everything. He made Mommy laugh so hard!

Or sometimes he'll make jokes. Like Sissy has a birthmark on her leg, and you know we were in the freezer as embryos before we got put into Mommy's tummy. Daddy says the mark on Sissy is freezer burn.

Mommy can be funny too, like when she and Daddy race to see who can get their baby buckled into the car seat the fastest. (They double and triple check for safety, afterwards, though.) But mostly she just hugs us and cuddles us and feeds us and burps us and changes us, gives us baths, rocks us and generally loves on us. (Daddy does all that too. Except for the bath part.) Mommy reads to us a lot, too, sometimes age-appropriate books, but she's also been reading me and Sissy poems out of her Poetry magazine, and I think she's been reading Sissy Vogue, too.

Here's Mommy and my grandmas on Mother's Day:

Daddy helped me and Sissy with presents for Mommy. She said it made her sooooooo happy.

Those outfits we have on are outfits Mommy wore when she was a baby, by the way. Don't we look cute in them?

Bye for now! (And Mommy says to say thanks for stopping by.)

Luke

Month One

They Grow Up So Fast...

Last week, I was in the store buying a graduation card for my husband. I had the twins with me, in their stroller. Next to me was an older woman, also looking at graduation cards. And crying.

"My daughter's graduating from high school," she told me. "It's just now hitting me, I guess."

I put my hand on her arm and said, "That must be so hard, I can only imagine."

She gestured towards the twins in the stroller. "Enjoy your time with them," she said. "They grow up so fast."

And I know that is absolutely the case. My mom was saying yesterday, "The babies don't seem like newborns anymore. They're little babies now." They have already outgrown some clothes. And this past week we went from newborn diapers to size 1.

Today, Mother's Day, I've been sitting in the rocking chair, breastfeeding my kids individually and rocking them, stroking their heads and just being very quiet and still with them, trying to make time slow down. My husband says the way to make time go slower, to enjoy them more, is not to have a lot going on, to keep our days as open and free as possible, so there's plenty of time for just rocking babies. 

Part of me is really looking forward to seeing how these kids grow and change. Another part...a big part...wants to freeze time and have things as they are now forever. Breaks my heart to think of them as 18 and heading off for college. I'm sure I'll be crying in the graduation card section, too...

XOXO

A Psychic, a Birthmark, and Some Thoughts on Reincarnation

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

I'm getting all hippie and "new agey" around here today...be forewarned...

So my mom went to see a psychic a few years ago, in relation to my brother/her son's death. Recently, she told me about it, and let me listen to a recording of the session. Lots of really interesting things in there, including something really remarkable about my children that I want to share.

The psychic was talking as though my brother were communicating with her, and she said there was a little girl with him, a real chatterbox, and that that little girl would come into our lives. And it's easy to think that that little girl was Zoey, because, no question, she is our chatterbox.

But here's the cool part. The psychic said several times throughout the session that my brother kept pointing to his left leg...she kept asking my mom did he have a scar or tattoo there? Or did Kristen? (They talked about me quite a bit in the session.) My mom said no, but it kept coming up. 

Well, Zoey has a very prominent birthmark on her left leg. And I know it could just be coincidence, but I get goose bumps thinking about it.

On a related note, I wrote before about the possibility that my brother could be reincarnated into one of my children, and I thought before they were born that it would be very clear to me if that happened. The reality...you know, some days I think maybe my son Luke is my brother's soul or whatever you want to call it reincarnated. I like to think of him and Zoey together, like the psychic was saying, and then coming down to be with me. It's like Luke (my son) brought a friend with him, to travel through life with him, and that makes me smile.

But other times, I'm not so sure...I feel like my brother is watching over all of us, and will be there for me when I die, neither of which can really be the case if he's been reincarnated, right? Also, my son is so very mellow and laid back...whereas "intense" is the word I would use to describe my brother. There was nothing mellow about him.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I will always see and treat my son as his own individual and unique person.

Who knows if there's any validity to all this, anyway. It just gives me comfort to think that there might be...

Hope everyone's having a lovely week.

XOXO

The Dreaded Anniversary

Last Sunday was the anniversary of my brother Luke's death.

A motorcycle accident, a Friday evening, him coming home (we had lived together in a house overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara, CA) for a BBQ we were having with friends. Later that night, we were all going down to see his band's gig in Ventura. Instead, everyone ended up at the hospital, and then back at our house, taking turns sitting next to me, holding my hands.

Seven years.

How can it be that long? That whole life--living by the ocean, surfing every day, young, and I don't know if I can say happy...we all had our struggles...but we were all together, Luke and I and our friends. Hard not to look back and see such an idyllic picture, and in many, many ways, it truly was.

Seven years.

It shouldn't hurt so much now, should it?

The truth is, it hurts less often. I don't think about it 24/7 anymore. But when I let myself think...it's like it's happening now, all over again. That horrible, horrible nightmare.

The anniversary is one time when it's hard not to let myself think. This year, actually, the worst day was a few days before. The anticipation always kills me. That's when all the tears were shed, when I felt...I mean, how can I go on? It's probably such a long, long time until I die, until there is any kind of peace with all this.

And then...there are babies. For the first time. The happy ending to another trauma, right on the heels of losing my brother: the whole five years of a mess that was us trying to have a baby.

The twins help ease the pain, no question. But in that they add some things to the "good things that have happened to me" column, help to balance life out, so it doesn't look so much like it's just sorrow after sorrow after sorrow. They help. But they don't take away the pain. Or replace the huge hole in my heart.

Still. Before it happened, I was trying to think what I wanted to do on that day (the anniversary), what would make me feel better. And all I wanted was to hold those babies.

XOXO

Greedy

The minute I had my kids, I knew I wanted more. Even with as hard as my pregnancy was, I'd do it again in a second. And we have frozen embryos (or "freezer tots," as my husband has taken to calling them), so more is a possibility. (I can't imagine we'd do another fresh IVF cycle.) My husband and I have agreed to table discussion of more kids until early next year, when the twins will be approaching their first birthday. If we decide to do it, we'll do it right away. My husband at this point seems amenable. He HAS said he wants one vs two at a time, though, and I can understand that. (One seems like it would be so easy. Although one difficult baby is likely as hard or harder than two pretty easy babies, which is what we've ended up with.)

A related (and funny and sweet) conversation with my husband, from last week:

Me: I just got my period. Not even 6 weeks from delivery. Weird.

Him: Maybe that means you're super fertile now. Should we use birth control?

Me: Are you serious? OK, first of all, if we get pregnant on our own, it'll be a miracle. And second, if I did get pregnant, that would be so awesome...all the money and time we'd save versus going to the clinic, not to mention all the drugs I wouldn't have to be on...

Him: Yeah, but I feel bad for the freezer tots. I want to spring some more freezer tots, don't you?

And I totally get it. Those embryos in the freezer...I hate the thought of not giving them a chance at making it.

By the way, the only considerations in my mind for us not having a bunch more kids are 1) my age (I'm three years away from what I personally, for me, consider "too old") and 2) being able to do what we want with the kids financially (eg send them to good colleges). Because of these factors, if we do try it (try to have more kids), another successful pregnancy would almost certainly be my last.

We'll see how we feel in nine months or so...

XO

Getting Your Body Back After Pregnancy

Hi Everyone!

Today I wanted to talk about how my body has changed with my pregnancy and the birth of my twins, as well as my plans for getting back to my old self, at least from a physical perspective. Also at the end of this post is some advice for others going through this, based on what's worked for me.

Before all my fertility treatments, I was 5'7", 140 lbs, size 6. I was athletic, mostly Bikram yoga and hiking/backpacking, and in the winter snowboarding several days a week. I also ate pretty well, aside from the occasional fast food meal. 

All the drugs associated with 4 IVFs and 1 FET, plus an 11.5 week pregnancy did a number on my body, plus me pulling back on exercise in an attempt to do everything I could to get/stay pregnant. By the time I got pregnant last summer, I was up to 155 lbs and not exercising much beyond very gentle walking. I walked for the first part of my pregnancy, but was very sedentary towards the end. I ate pretty well, especially the second half of my pregnancy, when I had gestational diabetes. By the time I delivered at 36 weeks, I weighed 202 lbs (eek!). So, 47 lbs gained from my weight at the FET, but 62 lbs more than my normal weight.

The good news is I've already lost 45 lbs, so I'm ALMOST back to my weight at the FET (I'm 157 lbs today, 6 weeks after giving birth). I am breastfeeding, but I'm not eating very carefully, and not exercising other than walking. I'm so happy with this weight loss, athough I definitely want to get back to 140 lbs...now that I'm 6 weeks out and not in recovery mode I plan to start exercising more (my husband and mom both said they'll stay with the kids while I go hiking and/or to a yoga class or two) and eat a little better (fewer desserts and fast food runs...sleep deprivation and the business of twins has had an impact on my normally healthy eating habits), although I'm not going to diet per se at this point. I'm giving myself 6 months from the birth to reach my weight goal, although of course I hope it happens sooner. I've also heard it's hard to lose the last few pounds while breastfeeding, so we'll see.

As far as other changes to my body:

• My breasts got HUGE with the rounds of IVF...I went from a 34 B to now a 38 DD. Not sure what size they will end up since the increase doesn't seem to be associated with pregnancy/breastfeeding but instead the IVF drugs
• I had really dark linea negra lines both above and below my belly button, as well as a dark circular mark to the side (like a thumbprint). These are supposed to go away, but they haven't yet
• My whole belly is dark, like I've been out in the sun. Did anyone else have this happen? Does it go away?
• There's definitely fat in my belly area that I need to lose, but my skin seems pretty elastic...there's no sagging or lose skin like I was led to believe might happen
• I made it through with no stretch marks, amazingly. I think it's just my genes vs anything I did...my mom never got stretch marks, either. I did use Mama Bee Belly Butter throughout my pregnancy
• During my pregnancy, my freckles became very pronounced, and a small red birthmark I have on my hairline that's usually flat became bigger and red and blue and raised...all that is back to normal now
• I never felt like I had great hair while pregnant, like they talk about, but I feel like I do now. Weird that it happened after the fact. I'll be sad when I start to lose it
• My gums bled like crazy during pregnancy, but not anymore

So, advice I can offer based on my experience:

1. Don't freak out about gaining weight while pregnant, especially if you are eating good foods and not junk
2. While pregnant, follow the gestational diabetes diet if you can. I did it because I had to, but I think it kept me from gaining too much weight and has made weight loss easier. Basically, it's eating 6 small meals a day vs 3 large ones, limiting portion sizes of foods high in carbohydrates, eating both carbs and protein at every meal, and really minimizing sweets and other high-sugar foods
3. I used the Belly Bandit BFF for a couple weeks right after delivery...and I can't say for sure it made a difference because I have nothing to compare it to, but my tummy flattened out really fast 
4. Breastfeed
5. Buy yourself some things for the interim period. Something that's helped me tremendously as far as not hating the way my body is right now (and I've done a pretty good job of embracing the changes, not feeling terrible about them) is my husband sending me out to buy some clothes. A few weeks after the birth, I was still wearing maternity things, which were big and I hate all my maternity clothes at this point and I was feeling so frumpy, but none of my normal clothes fit. So I bought some cute (and relatively inexpensive, since I don't plan on wearing them for too long) jeans and tank tops and T-shirts I can wear while I lose the remaining weight. Oh and some cute lacy nursing bras and panties, too. :)

Anyone else have some tips on getting back into shape after pregnancy and/or how to love and not hate this period? Would love to hear...

XOXO

Postpartum Anxiety

One of the things I was fearful of while I was pregnant was postpartum depression. Thankfully, I haven't had to contend with that. But what's taken me by surprise is some pretty serious anxiety, and also (and maybe this is the same thing, I don't know) how I don't seem to be able to stop playing horrible scenarios over and over in my mind.

It started right away, a few hours after the babies were born, laying in the hospital room just thinking, "I don't know how I'd survive if something ever happened to these children."

Now that I'm home, I worry about SIDS. A lot. I worry about tripping and falling down the stairs with one of the kids in my arms and them being irreversibly harmed. I worry about the babies being kidnapped by people who would do horrible things to them. 

And then I think about all the awful things...stories I've heard of things done to babies, especially in war time, the Holocaust, stories I won't repeat here because I don't want them to get into anyone else's head.

I don't know if all of this is a hormonal thing related to postpartum, or something else. It's worse this week, and a) I got my period (not even 6 weeks after delivery...which Dr. Google says is rare but not unheard of), which always makes me crazy emotionally, and b) the anniversary of my brother's death is this weekend, and I try to pretend it's not happening, but my body and mind know and I always have a really hard time with things this time of year. Oh and that's the other thing...I keep replaying and replaying calling my parents to tell them their son is dead...God, what an awful memory, and it hurts even more now that I have kids of my own.

I keep thinking about losing one or both of my children and how I would cope, how I would survive it when the reality is that this is not something I need to be thinking about and dealing with unless it happens...there's no benefit in "rehearsing" in my mind how it would be.

I didn't expect all this...was not prepared for it. And I'm not sure what to do about it. My husband says I always go to the dark place, and it's true, and I need to stop...just not sure how to do that. 

Hoping after the anniversary of my brother's death all this will ease somewhat. It's so weird because I'm so happy. I'm just so fearful of the universe taking everything away...

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: One Month Old

Hi!

Zoey here!

My little brother Luke (who, I'd like to point out, is a full 10 mintues younger than me) and I are going to take turns telling you about what's been going on around here. Since everybody says I'm such the chatterbox, Mom said I could go first!

During the day, Luke and I spend a lot of time sleeping nose-to-nose in our Moses basket. Mom and Dad got two baskets as gifts, and at first put us in seperate baskets, but we weren't happy...we like to be together. We still fit into one, but we're both growing like crazy, so that won't last much longer.

Here I am in the chair Mom sits in to nurse me. Grandma Peggy put this bow in my hair...isn't it cute? She and my mom just love dressing me up!

Here's Luke with our dad. Dad's almost done with college, and gets to spend a lot of time at home with us and Mom. He takes good care of us, although he did try to cut off my toe on my first day home. He didn't mean to, though! He had taken scissors to cut the hospital band off my leg, and with my other leg I kicked the blade. It wasn't much of a cut...there was blood everywhere, though. He felt so bad! 

Dad is super great, because he makes Mom laugh and us smile on the inside. He's always making up songs for us. Like you know that song "Sweet Caroline?" Mom started jokingly calling herself "the cow" because of all the milk production that's going on, and so Dad started singing to her, "Sweet mama cow...moo, moo, moo..." 

Dad also keeps things fun during feedings DJing from his iPAD. He lets me and Luke weigh in on the songs, and skips to the next one if we don't like what he's chosen.

My thing with Dad is dancing. Sometimes he'll make my legs go real fast and sing "Maniac" from the movie Flashdance. He's also teaching me to hula. And when Luke or I are waving our arms around, he'll narrate stories...you know, what we'd say if we could talk.

Basically, Daddy cracks Mommy up all day long.

Here's Mom with both of us. She calls me Zo-Zo, or lots of times Sissy. She calls Luke Little Man. Dad calls Luke Bubba sometimes, but Mom doesn't like that...she says it sounds Southern redneck. Dad also calls me Squeal Cheese and Luke Squeak Cheese...Squeal and Squeak for short, or Queso de Squeal and Queso de Squeak when he feels like talking in Spanish, although I'm not even sure that is gramatically correct.

I sometimes make little mewing sounds...little sighs of happiness when Mom holds me like this, and my brother does, too. Mama says it melts her heart.

Here we are dressed to go out. A lot of our clothes are still too big for us, but we'll grow into them.

Mostly, we've been to see doctors and to Grandma and Grandpa's. Mom also takes us for walks, and sometimes Dad comes too. Mom says the world was cold and bare until we were born, and then all of a sudden spring was everywhere, with leaves on trees and flowers blooming and the weather warm. She likes being out after having to rest so much when we were in her belly.

We're staring to sleep less and be awake more. It's fun to sit up and see what's happening.

Here's Grandma Peggy, our Mom's Mom. She comes over on Mondays and Wednesdays and plays with us so Dad can go to school and Mom can get a little sleep. She used to be a nurse in the NICU, whatever that means, but because of that our Mom asks her for lots of advice about us. Grandma Peggy loves us so much, and we love her too!

Here's Grandpa Steve, our Mom's Dad, feeding Luke. Once he and Grandma Peggy came to babysit, so Mom and Dad could go out together (although why they'd want to be away from us for even a second, I have no idea). We love Grandpa Steve!

And here's Grandma Charlotte, Daddy's Mom. She lives in Las Vegas, but came to visit us last weekend. We love Grandma Charlotte!

Two boxers live in our house, Newton and Dexter. Mom and Dad have made sure we all get along and all feel loved. Here's Daddy with me and Newton. I like the boxers, except sometimes they lick my ear. One or the other of them always lays on the floor in front of our crib at night, though. They make us feel safe.

Mom took us to the park the other day and let us do tummy time on the grass. Here I am in my favorite outfit. Dad doesn't get the ruffles on my butt, but Mom understands how cute that is. Luke and I are about to outgrow a bunch of stuff already, so I need to wear my favorites while I can!

Here's Mom with Luke. Doesn't she look happy?

And with the both of us. She loves us so much.

Gotta run...Dad's calling. "Squeal Cheese," he's saying, "want to hula?"

Love, Zoey

Breastfeeding Update

Hi Everyone!

First off, thank you to everyone who commented with support and suggestions on my last breastfeeding post...very much appreciated. :)

So late last week, I went to see the lactation consultants with a list of questions, but mostly to see if I couldn't get some help with the painful latch on my left side. The consultant I worked with I had met in my breastfeeding class, but hadn't seen since. After saying to me, "You look exhausted," (which is what every health care professional says to me these days), she asked me a number of questions about what I was doing and how it was going. And then she suggested that I just pump and bottle feed, and at least for now let go of having the babies feed at breast.

"That way," she said, "you'll have more flexibility." (Because she wants me to pump 8 times/day, but it doesn't necessarily have to be tied to the feeding schedule.) "And you'll get more sleep. And you'll have some time to enjoy these babies, vs the drudgery of constant feeding. And," she said, "my guess is your milk supply is going to go WAY up, because you won't be so exhausted all the time."

I cried tears of relief when she said this to me. Because I try not to complain--I love, love, love these babies, and I signed up for this--but I AM exhausted...beyond exhausted. And with the painful latch on the left side, breastfeeding on that side is something I have to steel myself for...it hurts a lot. And while a big part of me wants to appreciate and enjoy--DOES appreciate and enjoy--every second of this newborn stage, another part of me has been wishing we could get past it, just so I don't have to deal with the pain of breastfeeding, and can finally get some sleep. But I don't want to wish for time to go faster. And what the lactation consultant was suggesting seemed so much more doable than the way things have been...a way for me to enjoy this time vs wishing it away. 

So it's been several days on the new regimen, and I'm getting more sleep, and the pain of breastfeeding is gone. AND, my milk supply has already gone up...will be interesting to see what happens over the next week or two.

The lactation consultant also had a number of other suggestions, which I'm listing here in case they're helpful to someone else:

• Feeding should be "all business," should take about 20 minutes (cuddle and play after feeding) (we had been stretching out feedings, sometimes taking an hour or more)
• Good feed: 2–3 ounces; do a full feed every time you feed them...no snacks (we had been giving them small amounts of milk from a bottle between feedings)
• Burp after every ounce (we had been burping more often, so this will save time)
• Once a baby has touched formula or breast milk do not reuse (no one had told us this)
• Diaper change towards end (or after) feeding, not at beginning (we were changing at the beginning and end...so this will save us time, and money on diapers, besides)
• A pacifier is OK (we'd been advised not to use one for the first month)
• Wake and feed some during the day so babies will sleep better at night (our babies currently sleep better during the day than at night)
• Have one person do some of the feedings alone so the other person can sleep (we were both doing every feeding, so very little sleep for anyone)

Oh, and I can still breastfeed, but just when I want to and just on the right side (which doesn't hurt) if I want to. 

All this is not my perfect scenario, but I'm learning to let it go. It's OK I'm not doing this perfectly (which in my mind is feeding both babies from the breast 100% of the time). My husband says that's all ego anyway, and I'm sure he's right. 

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Breastfeeding Is Hard

Hi Everyone!

Today I wanted to share a little about how breastfeeding has gone. Ah...where to start?

I really, really, really, really wanted to breastfeed the twins. I took a class and read a lot about it before they were born, and the main messages I got were:

1) It was all about supply and demand, so if you did it right, there'd be no problem with supply, and

2) Breastfeeding is soooooo much better for the babies.

No one mentioned:

1) Premature babies (at 36 weeks mine were considered premature) can't necessarily breastfeed very well, because they are not mature enough to latch on/suck like they are supposed to 

2) Pre-eclamsia (which I had a pretty severe case of) can seriously mess with your milk supply

3) IVF can mess with breastfeeding, according to one of the lactation consultants we worked with. According to her, the hormonal cascades are not the same, and that can have an impact (although I've never heard this anywhere else)

4) Breastfeeding HURTS, especially at first, in my experience. I seriously don't know how the human race has survived when nourishing newborn babies is so painful. On a pain scale of 1 to 10, we were definitely at 10 in the beginning, and I'm still having problems with pain, even though the lactation consultants say I'm doing things right

When the twins were born, I fed them both an hour or so after birth, and that went well, but after that it was really hit or miss, with Luke initially not latching and Zoey latching/sucking sometimes and not others. The lactation consultants (our hospital had a great program with essentially unlimited access, bless them) helped with technique and set us up with a pump and made sure we had one when we went home. Everyone made it seem like breastfeeding exclusively was totally doable.

Then we went home. And I tried to breastfeed round the clock, longer and longer sessions because my babies seemed so hungry. For three days. The whole time, day and night, the babies screaming and screaming. My mom, who is a nurse and spent her career in the NICU, came to spend the night on the third night, and before spending the night she was talking about how breastfeeding was best, there was no reason not to do this all naturally, and by the morning after a night of screaming children said: "These kids need formula."

That same day, the lactation consultants came for a home visit. They weighed the babies, who had both lost a lot of weight, and said the same thing. 

Since then, the babies have been getting enough to eat, and it's like night and day around here...from screaming 24/7, to really easy babies (knock on wood) that cry only when they need something.

Here's the regimen we're currently on, set up by the lactation consultants:

1) Breastfeed each baby 10 minutes (I haven't been able to get the tandem thing down, so they each get fed individually)

2)  Bottle feed with breast milk pumped from the seesion before and saved

3) Top off with formula until the babies are full

4) Pump until my breasts are empty

All this at least 8 times/day. With help, a feed cycle takes about an hour. Alone, an hour and a half to two.

So, bottom line, I'm glad my children are getting enough to eat. Those first few days at home were awful. But I'm also really sad that my body's not making enough milk for the twins to be breastfed exclusively. I know formula is totally fine, but it's not what I wanted...breastfeeding was so important to me. I also don't like pumping, because it takes me away from the babies...instead of cuddling the babies after feeding, I have to put them down and go spend some time with a machine. And also, although both babies are latching on and nursing pretty well, and it's not as painful as it was, it's still pretty painful on the left side, and sometimes I can't get Zoey to latch on and eat, which I take so personally, even though I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to try to meet with the lactation consultants again this week to iron out some of these issues...also to see what's next because feeding these babies is my #1 priority, but the regimen they have us on is tough time and energy wise...I'm hoping maybe there's something a little easier on the horizon.

Oh, and I'm also (upon recommendation from the lactation consultants) taking Mother's Milk tincture 3 dropperfuls/4 times a day, fenugreek 6 capsules/3 times a day and trying to eat well/enough and drink a ton of water and rest/sleep as much as possible. And I think maybe my milk supply has been increasing a little (which is what all of these things are intented to help with), but it's still nowhere near enough to feed both of these babies.

Sigh.

Breastfeeding is hard.

Thought from those who have been there? I'd love to hear your experiences.

XOXO

The Pediatrician's Office Made Me Cry

Office staff (over the phone): "Hi, is this Luke and Zoe's mom?"

Me (after a pause to register what was being asked...I'm so used to 'Hi, is this Kristen?'): "Yes."

Office staff: "Just calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow."

Me: "Thanks, we'll be there."

And then I hung up the phone and started crying. 

Happy tears.

I just got referred to as somebody's mom.

I didn't ever think I'd get to be somebody's mom.

So, so, so, so lucky.

XOXO

Thank You, Chickenpig! (And Some Cute Baby Photos)

Hi Everyone!

So one of my bloggy friends, chickenpig, knit these ADORABLE hats for our twins...love them, love them, love them! Thanks, chickenpig! :) (By the way, she's in the middle of an IVF cycle right now, and I'm sure could use some words of encouragement...you can find her blog here.)

And another cute photo showing off the babies' hair...love how Zoey has dark hair like mine and Luke is blonde like my husband...

Happy Tuesday!

XOXO

Birth Story, Part III: Postpartum

(If you haven't already, you can read about my labor and delivery here and here.)

So, after delivery and being sewn up in the OR, I was taken back to my room. The babies were already there with their grandparents, and were getting checked out/cleaned up. It seemed like ages before I got to hold them! My dad got me a roast beef sandwich and milk (I hadn't been allowed anything but broth and popsicles all day), and FINALLY I got to hold the babies. And try to breastfeed, which went pretty well (although that wouldn't continue to be the case).

After a couple hours, they were ready to move me upstairs, and during that transition I got so cold, violently shaking, which my nurse said often happens after delivery. My husband and the babies came upstairs with me to another private room (I can't tell you how much I appreciated the fact that our hospital had private rooms)...it was pretty late at night by that point, one or two in the morning, and we put the babies between my bed and the couch my husband was going to sleep on, and it was hard to go to sleep with them in the room, I just felt such overwhelming love and awe. I also kept thinking that if something happened to them, there is no way I'd be able to survive it.

We stayed two more nights and another full day in the hospital...the twins were fine, but my health was worrying the doctors, with my blood pressure sky high and my liver enzymes and something else I can't remember (kidney function?) abnormal and trending the wrong way. My doctor said if they discharged me and I had to come back I wouldn't be able to bring the babies, so they didn't want to let me go home until they were pretty sure I was going to be OK.

Hard to get any sleep in the hospital, with blood draws every 6 hours, and people checking on me and the babies round the clock, and visitors (my brother and a family friend came over from Denver...was so great to have him meet the twins!)

We needed (and had) lots of help from the lactation nurses. (Breastfeeding has been a challenge. But that's a post of it's own.)

I was in a bit of pain, but some drugs and heating pads and ice packs helped. 

Was also dealing with that nasty cold, which was such a bummer, but it is what it is.

Didn't get into a shower until a couple hours before I went home, and it felt soooooo good.

And then it was time, and home we went.

We've been home two weeks now, and having these babies...it is just amazing. Words can't even begin to describe how incredibly happy we are. And tired. Oh, Lord. But my husband's home 5 days a week to help, and my mom comes the other two, and we've had friends and neighbors bringing us meals, so tons of help and that makes a big difference. Also, our babies are really easy babies so far (knock on wood), crying pretty much only when they are hungry (although right now that's eight or more times a day) and then after eating going right back to sleep. So all in all, things have been pretty manageable. The babies are already growing and changing, too, which is so fun to watch, but makes it so apparent how fleeting these days of them being newborns are... 

Just trying to soak it all in and remember every moment...

Here are a few pictures:

Zoey (left) and Luke. Love that they put them together.

 

Luke.

Zoey.

Finally I get to hold one of my babies. :)

My dad with Zoey...

My husband with our baby girl...he is so in love with these children...

Me breastfeeding our son...

Leaving the hospital...

XOXO

Birth Story, Part II: Delivery

(If you haven't already, you can read Part I [about my labor] here.)

So, 9:30 PM-ish, I got taken to the OR, my husband with me and what seemed like about 15 doctors, nurses, etc. It was crowded in there!

Honestly, the first part of being in the OR is a blur. Bright lights. Lots of activity. I was scared and my husband was calming me down. There was a basketball game on the radio, kind of quiet in the background. They moved me from my bed to this table with big black boot-like things for my legs, and my husband joked this was the closest I was going to get to snowboard boots this year.

And then the doctor took a look at me and said, kind of panicked, "I need everyone ready NOW! This baby's crowning, one push and he'll be out. Look at the head of dark hair! And where the hell's the anesthesiologist?Somebody get him here NOW!"

My husband stood at my side, and somebody said there was a contraction coming, and the doctor told me to push as hard as I could to the count of ten, and then to do that two more times. I pushed hard, until I was out of breath, but I didn't feel a thing. 

Another contraction came, and she had me push again. And then another, and the doctor said, "here he comes," and then I heard a baby cry and somebody said "she." (Everyone had thought our boy was in position to be born first, but it actually turned out to be our girl.)

My husband was crying, and they put our daughter on my chest for a minute, she was so beautiful, I felt so much love the second I saw her. And then they took her away to check on her and my husband went with her and I was listening to make sure she was OK, I'm sure I asked if she was OK, too, because one of my fears was that the babies would not be healthy. And then it was a couple minutes later and my husband was back at my side, (still crying, so sweet) and I did three more sets of pushes and out came our boy. I felt him slip out of my body, but no pain whatsoever. Actually, I'm really grateful I had the epidural, because he came out with his arm beside his head and I tore...I cannot imagine how painful that would have been without drugs. 

Again, they gave him to me for a minute, again the crazy intense love, then they took him away to check on him and my husband went with the babies, which they handed to him not long after. He went to introduce them to the grandparents, too, who were waiting in my room. I hated that the babies were taken away, but the doctor had to sew me up and that took some time. Blood everywhere, it seemed like. And I was shown the placenta, which was really big...the two placentas had grown together. 

My husband came back shortly after, still all teary (love him for that) and we just held hands and said over and over, "We did it, we did it, we did it."

Without a doubt one of the happiest moments of my life. So crazy how fast it happened though...no one ever tells you things could happen like that. 

"You were born to birth babies," my doctor said, and my husband said something about me being the birth goddess. It was incredible for it to happen so smooth and easy, so incredibly grateful...

Here are some pictures:

Here's our first picture of our daughter, Zoey, shortly after her birth.

And our son, Luke.

My husband with both babies...

And our first family portrait...

Our babies being transported back to our room...

To be continued...

XOXO 

Birth Story, Part I: Labor

Hi Everyone!

So I wanted to share a bit about the experience we went through with the birth of our twins. 

Wednesday, March 14, I went in for a routine 36-week OB visit. My OB was out of town for the week, and the doctor covering for her told me she (and everyone else in the practice, except for my regular OB) would go straight to C-section with twins that were vertex/breech like mine were. We joked about me needing to make sure to wait until my regular doctor was back in town.

Then I went to the hospital to get monitored (non-stress test), like I'd been doing every week. They asked for a urine sample, which they always do, and I normally tell them I already gave one to my OB, but this time for some reason I did a second sample. Which was really lucky, because I think the sample at my OB's office had somehow fallen through the cracks and hadn't been tested. My favorite nurse was taking care of me, and I lay down and got strapped onto the monitoring machine and started reading my book, figuring I'd be home within an hour.

Instead, my urine came back with lots of protein in it. And my blood pressure was high, and higher every time they checked. And I'd been having terrible swelling in my feet/ankles/lower legs for weeks, which didn't seem to concern anyone until these other things came back abnormal.

So, labs were ordered, and I called my husband to come be with me. Based on the results of the labs, they decided to admit me. I wasn't really given any more information, other than that the on-call doctor would come talk with me.

This all started about 2 PM. It was about 8 PM when the on-call doctor, another doctor in my OB's practice, came in and said that they wanted to keep watch on me overnight but didn't feel like the situation was an emergency. But depending on how things went and how things looked in the morning, they would probably induce me. The twins were doing just fine, I was told, but I was rapidly developing preeclampsia and pregnancy-induced hypertension (which I thought were one and the same, but everyone talked about them as two separate things), and in order to not jeopardize my health, we needed to get the babies out.

They offered me a sleeping pill, which I was so happy to have...I had been sleeping terribly due to the discomfort of being pregnant...also had a pretty bad cold going on...

The night was uneventful. In the early morning, there were more labs, and at 8 AM I was told they were going to induce. I was given cytotec, which is supposed to help soften your cervix (mine was fully closed, my body wasn't anywhere near going into labor). And then we just kind of lay around waiting for something to happen.

About an hour later, I was told that my platelets were dropping fast and I had to get an epidural right away because if we didn't do it then my platelets would be too low for me to have one, and a C-section was what everyone was kind of expecting would happen, so they wanted to make sure I had an epidural in. I kept saying over and over, "I want to do a vaginal delivery if at all possible," I really didn't want a C-section, but I was trying to get used to the idea because that's all anyone was talking about.

So in went the epidural, which hurt. They didn't start the meds, though, because I wasn't really in any pain, they just put it physically in place.

They checked my cervix at 12 PM. Still completely closed. Another dose of cytotec. They checked it again late afternoon. Still closed. Around 6 PM, I started having some labor pain with my contractions (contractions had been happening since the previous afternoon when I had first come in for monitoring). It was a little intense, but my husband helped me through it, and it wasn't awful. I could have stood more.

Around 8 PM, a third doctor from my OB's practice came to see me. She was the doctor on call that night, and said the twins were coming out one way or another. (In the meantime, I'd had a 24-hour urine sample collected and the results of that seemed to alarm everyone.) She said we needed to have "the talk," meaning about how I was going to need to have a C-section. But first, let her look at the babies on ultrasound and let her check my cervix, just to see if anything had changed.

The ultrasound showed the babies had somehow moved into vertex/vertex, which is the best possible position for vaginal delivery. And, when the doctor checked my cervix, it had finally started to open...I think I was dilated to about a 1. The doctor asked the nurse to give her the hook to break my water, and told me if my labor progressed at a reasonable rate we could try for a vaginal delivery. Yay!

I was told pitocin would be started and that they recommended some meds be put through my epidural, as the pitocin would make things pretty intense. I said OK, and the relief from the pain I'd been feeling was pretty much immediate and complete. I'd always been pretty open to an epidural (I'm pretty much a baby about pain), so having one (and using it) wasn't a huge disappointment to me like I know it might have been to some women. 

Anyway, everything had been happening so slowly, my husband went home to take a shower and change, get a bite to eat. My mom stayed with me; I wasn't feeling anything at all, expect in my hip/lower back some pain with the contractions, which I was told was a little spot where the epidural wasn't working. My mom rubbing the area during contractions was enough to help, though.

My husband had barely been gone any time at all when the nurse came in to check me and said that I was complete. 

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means you are ready to deliver these babies."

So crazy...from nothing happening all day to being fully dilated in about an hour...and they had barely used any pitocin at all, either....everyone kept saying, "HOW MUCH pitocin did she have?!?" like they couldn't believe how fast things had happened, either.

So a frantic call was made to my husband to get back to the hospital. The on-call doctor was called back in, everyone got into scrubs, I asked some questions about what to expect pain-wise (not much, I was told)  and I was wheeled to the OR to deliver (they wanted me there in case they had to go to a C-section, they didn't want any delay.)

I was freaking out a little, because everything was happening so fast. I started shivering, teeth chattering, more because I was afraid than cold, but my husband stayed with me and calmed me down. I was so excited to meet our babies, but a little freaked out by the fact that the time was here. I'd been expecting to be pregnant another week or more, or at least until four in the morning, which seemed like a reasonable amount of time for labor. I just couldn't believe I was about to deliver these babies.

Here are some pictures from right before delivery:

My husband, by my bedside...

The on-call doctor who delivered me...love the hat...

One of my nurses...and talk about medical interventions...I felt like I had everything known to man going on...jealous of women who get to do the hippie birth center no pain meds thing...I'm so grateful for everything that was available to me, but a little sad my birth experience couldn't have been simpler/more organic...

I'm smiling here, but really I'm scared to death about what's about to happen...

Me getting wheeled to the OR...

To be continued...

XOXO

Luke and Zoey

Hi Everyone!

Here's a picture of our adorable babies:

Of course I think they're the most beautiful thing in the world...what makes every parent think that?

Off to nurse...more later. :)

XOXO