Grief + Things I'm Grateful For + The Babies Have Taken the Pain Away
Note: This post is written as part of PAIL Bloggers September Monthly Theme Post. You can check out PAIL here.
I don't talk about the whole infertility thing much anymore, but I have been turning these questions over in my mind for the past few day. In relation to infertility--what did you lose? What do you grieve?
My experience in a nutshell:
- Tried to have a baby in the late 1990s and wasn't able to, but never went to the doctor
- Then, spent the past 5 years to get where we are today, with 2 surgeries, 5 IVFs, 2 early miscarriages, 1 late miscarriage, and finally, finally our perfect and magical six-month-old twins
The babies we lost, especially the late miscarriage--obviously, very hard.
But the other stuff--things I grieve--is more subtle:
- I wish I'd been a young (even very young) mother
- I wish I could have spaced my kids out more
- I wish I hadn't listened to the feminist rhetoric that said put marriage and kids last, your education and job first
- I wish I'd married the right man the first time around...I wasted so much time with that whole disaster
- I wish I hadn't had to work all those hours to pay for fertility treatments (I freelance, and in order to pay for everything we did I worked insane amounts of hours for months at a time)
- Etc.
But with all this, I keep thinking of everything I'm grateful for, too, because for each of these there is a flip side:
- I'm grateful for the fact that I know my marriage can withstand difficult losses and tons and tons of pain
- I'm grateful to be older and mellower--I know I make a better mother at this age than I would have at 20 or even 30
- I don't really mind having my kids close in age...we have the baby twins right now, and are hoping I can get pregnant with one more next year. It's going to be crazy, but so amazing..a great and chaotic adventure
- I'm grateful to have a good, solid, well-paying job--something I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't been so career focused for so many years
- I'm grateful that the traumas I've gone through, like what happened with my first marriage...they have made me a kinder, less selfish person
- I'm so grateful I was able to work all the hours I did, was able to pay for the treatments we needed. A lot of people don't have that option
And also, these things I grieve, I don't really feel the pain of it day-to-day.
A friend of mine who had gone through IVF before me, when I was in the thick of things, she told me that once I have a baby I'll forget all about the pain of it all. When she told me this, I didn't believe her. I'd been sad for so long and, although I didn't know it, there was still a lot more to come. I didn't see how anything could take all that pain away.
Nine whole years I was sad, I can tell you the first day, spring 2003, the azaleas blooming in Portland when my boyfriend--my first serious relationship since my marriage had ended--broke up with me. I was living in San Francisco at the time, he in Oregon, and I remember thinking as he drove me to the airport, "This is the end of me being happy." Little did I know how true that was--it wouldn't be true forever, but for a long, long time.
That was the worst breakup ever.
And then my brother dying.
And having to leave California and the life I'd lived with him (my brother), because it was too painful to stay.
And then all the infertility-related things my husband and I endured...five whole years, that's such a long time...
I'd been sad for so, so, so long...I mean, even the name of my blog is about trying not to be sad. I just can't do it anymore. With the babies, I don't have to do it anymore.
So are there things I grieve and regret? Absolutely. But there is also a lot I'm grateful for, and those feelings of grief aren't part of my everyday life.
I am so incredibly happy right now.
My friend was absolutely right--the babies, they help to wipe out the pain*.
*Except for the pain I feel in relation to what happened to my brother. That pain's still electrically raw, when I think of it. I just have to try not to think of it.
XOXO
Mickey Rabbit
We just recently put together a playroom for the kids. (Pictures coming, I promise!) Once it had been set up, an old, obviously loved black-and-white stuffed rabbit came up from a box in the basement.
"That's the rabbit you had as a kid, isn't it?" I said to my husband.
"Yeah," he said. "Mickey Rabbit. Did I ever tell you the story of Mickey Rabbit?"
"No."
"Well, one night," he said, "We were driving back to the beach from Disney World, where we'd spent the day. I was asleep, but my dad saw something beside the road, flipped a U turn, went back because he thought it might be a hurt animal, like a little dog, that needed some help. But it wasn't a dog--it was Mickey Rabbit. When I woke up, he was on my chest, and when we got home my mom washed him and we were inseparable after that."
My husband's dad--he was a tough cookie. But I love the image of him going out of his way to help some poor creature, and ending up with a cherished toy for his small son.
XOXO
Luke's Diary: 6 Months
Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!
We--me and Sissy--turned six months old last Saturday! So exciting! So much has been happening, too!
We got a new playroom, with white shaggy carpet...Mommy will show you some more pictures sometime soon. Everyone calls it Baby Land, and it's the perfect place for us to play...so nice to have all of our toys in one place, too. Mommy says it's child proofed--whatever that means. And Mommy says the house...things are finally starting to get back to normal...I mean, there are still babies, she says, but the whole house and everyone's life being totally dominated every inch and every second...that's starting to mellow out a little.
Oh, and now Daddy is playing a game called "Berlin Wall" with us. There is a wall on the back side of the couch that separates the living room from our playroom (which is enclosed, and Mommy says originally used to be a small screened-in porch.) Anyway, Daddy will say, "Let's play Berlin Wall," and he'll lift us up over the partition and lower us down into the playroom on the other side and say, "Good job Bubs! You made it to West Berlin! You're free!." And Grandpa will join in with, "Checkpoint Charlie!" and Mommy will laugh so hard.
Mommy hasn't been TOO busy with work, so some days she and Daddy can walk with us downtown for lunch...it's so fun...
We're changing lots, me and Sissy...Mommy says we're changing every single day...pushing WAY up un our arms, starting to sit unassisted, so close to crawling, really Mommy and Daddy expect it any day now.
We've also really discovered the dogs. Any time one of the boxers comes close, we squeal with laughter. Really, is there anything more fun than a boxer? They're so sweet and gentle with us, too.
And we're starting to sleep in the crib...Daddy partitioned it off with a breathable bumper so we each have half...Mommy says it looks like we each have our own little cubicle.
And we're moving around like crazy these days, rolling over and scooting backwards, the up on the arms thing like I was talking about before, going way up on our tiptoes and jumping up and down when somebody holds us. Daddy says it's like we're Mexican jumping beans.
Mommy's friend Marco sent both of us these great red hats...here I am in mine...it's starting to get cold enough in the mornings where we can wear something like this out on the days Mommy walks us downtown to get her and Daddy coffee...
I love hanging out with Mommy in her office and helping her work...
And then there are always stories in the evening...
And we're starting to hold our own bottles, me especially, although Mommy is still breastfeeding us too as much as she can...
Oh, and we LOVE mirrors. Endlessly fascinating.
And we've started on some vegetables...here's Sissy after carrots. I don't really understand why Mommy and Daddy will only feed us right before a bath, but there you have it.
And some pictures of Daddy. Gosh, we love our Daddy. Good things have been happening with his job hunt, Mommy says, which Mommy says is important. But we have SO loved having him around for--as Mommy says--these first few precious months. Even if he does the nap ogre thing on us (holding us tight to him until we go to sleep for our nap.) If we cry, he says we're singing the Nap Ogre Blues.
Daddy says mushy things sometimes, too. Like the other day he said about Sissy, "The only way she could be sweeter is if she had cream filling."
Also, he's always making Mommy laugh, although I don't always get the joke. Like the other day:
Mommy: "There's a Mommy & Me yoga class starting up. I'd love to go. But what do I do with the twins? I guess I'd just take a different one every other week."
Daddy: "Yeah, but then they'd forget the moves."
Mommy laughed so hard at that one. I love it when Mommy laughs.
So that's the update. All is well. We are just the happiest, smiliest, mellowest little babies you could imagine. And Mommy says every day we are making all of her dreams come true.
Love,
Luke
Every Morning We Sing a Song...
One of the things I love to do while spending time with the kids in the mornings is to put my iPOD on random and sing and help them dance to whatever songs come up (skipping particular songs if we aren't in the mood.)
But before we do this, we usually ask Siri to "Play '40 Dogs.'" It's a song by an artist called Bob Schneider out of Austin, Texas, where I went to grad school. I saw a lot of live music those couple years I was down there, but Bob Schneider was my favorite. (I've probably seen him live more than any other artist. He's amazing.)
Anyway, I don't know how we got stuck on this song, but some of the phrases in the lyrics...it's just so us:
"There's something right about you and me..."
"We ain't got no time to waste, we got too much life to taste..."
"We can do what we want to do..."
And the chorus:
"We're like Romeo and Juliet, like 40 dogs, cigarettes
--(except instead of cigarettes, I sing: '40 dogs we like to pet')--
We're the good times that haven't happened yet, but will.
I can tell you where we're gonna be
When the whole world falls to the sea:
We'll be livin' ever after, happily."
Here's a link, if you want to watch/listen [to Bob Schneider, not us. :)]
Happy Friday! Thanks for spending some time here this week! :)
XOXO
"There Are Lives I Can Imagine Without Children..."
"There are lives I can imagine without children but none of them have the same laughter & noise."
--Brian Andreas
Getting Back Into Shape After Babies: 6-Month Edition
Can you believe our babies are going to be six months old this week? Gosh, it is so great watching them grow and change, but I also don't want this precious time to be over.
But anyway, what I wanted to talk aobut today kind of ties back into yesterday's post, about taking some time for me.
I am really committed to getting back into shape after having these babies. It's partly a vanity thing...I want to feel pretty and look good for my husband. Right now I really want to fit into my pre-pregnancy winter clothes, and/or shop for some new things. But I don't want to shop until I'm at my goal weight.
But it's also less selfish and more health-related. I've been having some lower back pain in relation to the twins...picking them up out of the crib especially is so bad on my back. I'm doing a number of things to try and help the situation, but losing the last bit of weight and getting my body stronger are two things I know will help. Also we're talking a lot about me trying to get pregnant again next spring, and I want to be as physically strong for that as possible.
So where am I at? For a while, I was doing great with exercise, but lately I've been terrible. Travel is part of it, and Luke not liking the heat, crying when I take him for walks in the stroller because he'd get too hot. And also, I was going to yoga twice a week, but stopped because it's hard for me to be away from the twins for something that's just for me. And yoga's in the evenings and I love the bedtime ritual...don't want to be away for that. And also my yoga studio is in flux, so when you show up for class you don't know what kind of class you're going to get, and I hate that.
Regardless, I am down to 143 lbs. My goal is 135, so only 8 pounds to go, which I'm pretty excited about! (Actually my original goal was 140 lbs., but my husband suggested 135, which is a reasonable weight for me, so that's my current goal.) That's doable in a month or two. And my husband has held out the carrot of a little shopping spree when I reach my goal....so that helps with motivation for sure! :)
My progress:
At the end of my pregnancy: 202 lbs.
6 weeks postpartum: 157 lbs.
4 months postpartum: 152 lbs.
6 months postpartum: 143 lbs.
It's actually good for me to list this out, because it feels like my progress has been soooooo slow...good to see that I actually AM making progress!
So anyway, I am recommitting to exercise (and exercise for me, by the way, is something I love and that I feel defines me...so in addition to getting in shape, when I make time for it I also feel like I'm getting a little piece of myself back.)
Oh, and also, snowboarding season is coming up and I know I can't go like I used to (season pass, once or twice a week on the mountain), but I would like to get out a little and I am in no way strong enough for that at the moment.
Wish me luck with these last few pounds (and the whole making time for myself thing...not easy...)
XOXO
750 Words, And Some Thoughts on Taking a Little Time for Myself
I love this time of year, after Labor Day, back-to-school time...it always feels like such a fresh start. And something I've been thinking about doing...now seemed like the perfect time to begin.
There's a book about creativity (The Artist's Way) I read ages ago that talks about the fact that to be creative, it's good to get all the garbage out of your mind. So if you write three pages in the morning about whatever it is you're thinking about (a page typewritten is 250 words), you can do better from a creative standpoint during the day.
I used to do this, write longhand, but haven't in a long time, not since I got pregnant with the babies at least.
But a little while ago, I heard about 750words.com, and thought it might be fun to do this on the computer.
Of course it took me a while to start because:
a) I'm really good at not letting myself do fun things that are just for me, and
b) What mother has time for such things? and
c) I'm not doing anything creative right now except for blogging due to lack of time, so is the whole 750 words thing really necessary?
But I started. A few weeks ago. And I'm not doing it every day, but that's OK. And it doesn't take that much time--a lot less time than I thought it would--turns out, I can write 750 words in about 12 minutes.
And there's a lot in my head that needs to get out, with babies and work and my husband job hunting and us potentially moving and family drama and etc...
And also, I'm starting to think about how taking some time to write again might not be such a bad idea. I've given up pretty much everything to be 100% focused on these babies, and I've loved every minute of it. But in the long term, it's probably better to have a little balance, you know? Like maybe working on my books a couple nights a week after the babies go to bed, so I'm not talking anything away from them...
XOXO
Luke's Diary: Our First Camping Trip!
Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!
Today Mommy said I could tell you about the camping trip we took for our first Labor Day weekend! I don't know what Labor Day is about; all I know is Mommy got an extra day off so we got to spend LOTS of time with her.
We got hungry on the ride over, but Mommy fed me as soon as we arrived. That's Uncle Ben's motorcycle in the background...Mommy didn't get any pictures of him this trip, but he was there and it was so fun to see him!
Grammy and Grandpa were there, too. They helped hold us, so we didn't have to sit in the dirt:
The grown-ups made a fire pit for campfires. I've seen fire before at Uncle Ben's...I love watching it...just stare at it, totally mesmerized.
Me and Sissy and Mommy and Daddy had our own tent. Mommy and Daddy bought it used from a friend of Uncle Ben's last weekend. Mommy says she and Daddy went camping in California last summer right before she got pregnant with us, and they camped in her backpacking tent like always, but a friend of Mommy's had a big comfy tent and ever since Daddy saw it he's wanted one. Mommy figured it was a good investment as we'll probably all be car camping--not backpacking--for a few years at least. (Plus, she says, how awesome to get one used and not have to spend the money on a new one.)
And then Uncle Ben and his girlfriend and Grammy and Grandpa stayed in Uncle Ben's camper:
Here's the inside of our tent. We all slept on this air mattress with two sleeping bags zipped together...it was pretty cushy. Mommy says to tell you I'm using the term "sleep" loosely...being in a strange place, we didn't really sleep all that much.
We camped RIGHT next to a pretty little stream...it sounded so nice. Grammy took me and Sissy and put our feet in it. I loved it; Sissy started crying, but I understand...it WAS pretty cold.
Daddy napped me, like he does at home:
There were also these rock cliffs on both sides of our campsite. We saw a marmot on the rocks one morning. And Mommy went out on the ATV with Grandpa that same day and told me they say two big deer--one with fuzzy antlers--and a red fox. She also said the aspen were just starting to turn, with little bits of yellow.
Oh, and Daddy brought our swing. Good call, Daddy!
Our boxers came camping too. Here's Newton keeping the ball away from all the other dogs:
Oh! And Mommy and Grammy took us on our first hike, too! We went on the Colorado Trail, just off of Marshall Pass:
Mommy said that's Mount Ouray, and that maybe we'll all climb it someday:
Sissy got hungry on the trail, but Mommy was prepared, and Grammy fed her a bottle while we walked:
It rained most of the hike...Mommy did her best to keep me dry:
Sissy was in the Baby Bjorn and I was in the Moby Wrap, both of which worked pretty well for hiking. I can't say that we LOVED our first hike, because it was raining and frankly, me and Sissy were both a little bit cranky. But everyone made it back safe and Mommy says we'll try again soon.
Whne we got back to camp, Daddy had made a spit out of willow branches and was roasting sausages. The grown-ups had Smores that night, too. Mommy told me when I'm a little older I can have a Smore too. She said that they are divine.
<<Insert second sleepless night in a row here.>>
And then it was morning and the last day of the trip. Grammy held us and then Mommy held us while Daddy and Grandpa broke camp. (Uncle Ben had to be back so he had left the day before.)
My conclusion of camping (me and Sissy both): We love being outside! Camping was super fun! (Although hiking in the rain is kind of for the birds.)
And Mommy says to tell you her conclusion of camping with two five-month-olds, and I quote: "A lot of work, not much sleep, but sooooooooo fun and worth it!"
Love,
Luke
Shortlisted: Bibs & Booties
I love Etsy.
Two things I'm currently lusting after--bibs and booties. Cute, right?
Happy Labor Day!
XOXO
Photo Credits (and shops to visit!):
Bibs: HazelLove
Booties: Bobka Baby
Best Five Dollars Ever Spent
I'm not above spending money on my children, but isn't it so true that the amount of money spent in no way correlates to the enjoyment you get from an object?
Case in point, last weekend, my husband and I were driving by a garage sale, stopped and bought this old swing for five bucks. It's faded and weathered and definitly looks used...it's not going to win any beauty contests. But we took it home to my brother's and hung it on his porch, and I can't even begin to tell you how much fun our kids had in it. No object has made them happier.
It's going to go in the apple tree in our backyard...is going to bring hours of delight.
Happy Labor Day weekend to everyone!!! We're going car camping with five-month-olds (and the swing)...wish us luck!
XOXO
Coney Island, Colorado
Last weekend, we went to see my brother Ben, who lives in the house where we grew up, up in the Colorado mountains.
Not too far from him (and just around the corner from where I went to high school) is the Coney Island hot dog stand, and we took the kids one afternoon.
Beautiful warm day, the air so fresh up in the mountains, we stood in line a while but it was no big deal because we had nowhere we needed to be, and besides, the woman in front of us had four-year-old twins and it was fun talking to her.
We got hot dogs, and onion rings and a root beer to share, sat at a picnic table next to the rushing creek, ate our lunch, the kids happy the whole while.
Life brings such sweet, simple pleasures.
XOXO
Gosh, the Pediatric Cardiologist's Is a Scary Place
This is one of those things I really couldn't talk about while it was happening. But I can now.
Zoey had a heart murmur at birth. That seemed to go away. But at her four-month well visit, it was back. And her pediatrician didn't just say, "No big deal," like apparently they do a lot of times with heart murmurs. She wanted Zoey to get checked by a specialist.
It was a month before we could get in to see the pediatric cardiologist. Which in a way was reassuring. Surely if it were something really bad, they would have seen her immediately, right? But on the other hand, we live in a small town and the specialist only comes over from Denver to see kids every so often, so maybe the wait was falsely reassuring.
Also reassuring was the fact our daughter was so healthy, happy, eating well, full of energy, wasn't turning blue when crying which I guess can happen with heart babies.
But still. A problem with your child's heart? Scary. And also, part of the legacy of my brother being killed...I know bad things can happen. I'm always steeling myself for bad things to happen.
My husband and I pretty much agreed not to talk about it...let's wait until we know what's going on before we get too worried and all that.
And I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself because for the month or so that we waited, I did a pretty good job of putting it all out of my head. Except when I was imagining in vivid detail us going to the heart appointment, her being admitted to the hospital with something that was going to kill her, me being brave and holding her in the hospital, keeping her from being scared while she died, how everything would fall apart afterwards...I mean, seriously, such an unlikely scenario, I know, logically, but how do you stop your brain from going there? Ugh. It was awful. But really, I just thought thoughts like that right after the four-month visit, and again right before the cardiology appointment; in between I did pretty well. And I didn't tell anyone but my mom, because I knew talking about it would make things harder for me.
Fast forward to last week, and the actual appointment. To the hospital, up to the specialty clinic with my husband and our daughter and our son. They had me undress Zoey and hooked her up to a bunch of machines (EKG, blood pressure cuff on each of her limbs one at a time, some big plastic thing they ace-bandaged to her foot.) Through it all she was so calm, like she knew something serious was going on.
And then they moved us to a different room and my husband and I sat there waiting for the doctor, it was all I could do not to cry and my husband said something along the lines of, "This place is incredibly nerve-wracking," and I said, "Yep. Terrifying." and then we didn't talk and just waited. The doctor told us later whenever he has a new nurse or whatever, he always tells them, "Every family that comes thought that door for the first time is scared," and gosh, so true in our case.
So finally the doctor came in, such a calm energy and he was wearing a tie with Tigger on it, he talked to us about how Zoey is generally, listened to Zoey's heart, saw the red raise birthmark on her leg and told us he wanted to do an ultrasound, especially with the birthmark because there could be some flow issues in her heart because of it.
So then to the room with the ultrasound machine, and Zoey held onto her Daddy's finger the whole time, calm and serious, while we looked at pictures of her heart that meant nothing to us and I tried not to think about the fact that everything might not be OK.
The doctor came into the room while the tech was in the middle of the ultrasound, muttered something under his breath that was vaguely reassuring, and then when the tech was done he sat and looked back through the images and finally turned to us.
"Excellent news," he said. "Her heart is completely normal, and what we're hearing is just a normal variation." Cannot even begin to tell you the relief that came with those words.
We left the clinic and sat on a bench outside the hospital for a long time, just to regroup.
And then we get on with our lives, right? Disaster averted. And although I know anything could happen to our children at any time, I try not to focus on that.
Seriously, with this heart thing--what a relief.
XOXO
Zoey's Diary: Five Months
Hi Hi Hi!
Can you believe me and Luke--we're five months old! Fair warning: Mommy went a little crazy with the pictures this month...
Lots of tummy time lately...we're getting so strong...
We're smiling and laughing, talking and cooing and making lots of noise overall. I make these high-pitched squeals that Mommy and Daddy say make me sound like a baby teradactyl.
Toys are a big thing now...but our attention span isn't very long...
I call my brother Bubs you know...here's Bubs with Grammy and Grandpa's dog Jack...we're getting to be such good friends with the dogs in our lives...
Bubs is holding his own bottle some of the time these days. I do, too, but not as often:
And Bubs racked out at Grammy and Grandpa's. We're doing better with naps, and sleeping at night these days...
One of Grammy's best friends came to visit a few weeks ago...Sandie...Mommy said she remembers Sandie so well from growing up. Sandie brought Mommy and Daddy a meal when we were tiny babies...it was so good to see her again.
We've been spending lots of time with Grammy and Grandpa. We love them so much.
Here's Grandpa and Bubs. Grandpa will pick him or me up and say, "Hey! Do you want to ride to Texas? That's what my Grandpa used to do with me." And then he sits us on his knee like we're riding a horse and jiggles us up and down. Mommy says it makes her so happy to see previous generations living on. She told us Grandpa's Grandpa was from Sweden, and came to Texas and was a cowboy, and then moved to Seattle and became a blacksmith...that's where our Grandpa knew him.
Grandma Charlotte came to visit us this month, too. We love Grandma Charlotte!
Grandpa is drying fruit right now from the orchard:
We got a taste (even though according to Mommy fruit is not allowed yet as we are JUST starting on solids.)
I've got this eating-upside-down thing going on:
Here are me and Grandma Charlotte and Mommy in Palisade...we went there for lunch one day and then drove back through the orchards and vineyards...so fun.
Our Mommy works sometimes, but she's usually with us at the same time. She loves us so much it's hard for her to be away from us. Sometimes she really has to concentrate though, and when that happens she gives us to Daddy or Grammy for a little while.
Here's some more pictures of me and Bubs with Mommy:
And us with Daddy. Oh my gosh, we love our Daddy soooooooo much! He's got some new fun stuff going on with us. Like letting us ride on his shoulders. And he's been watching Spider-Man cartoons with Bubs, and the other day he held my brother up to the ceiling and wiggled him along it like he was crawling on the ceiling all the while singing a made-up song that went, "Spider-Bubs, Spider-Bubs, doing everything that a Spider-Bubs can." Mommy laughed so hard. She said we need a video of Spider Bubs.
Daddy doesn't do Spider Man with me, but his nickname for me is Cheese and he also calls me his princess. The other day he called me Princess Cheese, of the Pouf Pouf Clan. Daddy has the best names for me! He also calls me Cranky Pants sometimes (of course he's been calling me Sissy Pants since Day 1). Lately, he and Mommy have been talking about Freezy Pants, which Mommy says is my potential little brother or sister, in the freezer at the fertility clinic in Denver.
Mommy loves these pictures of me.
In the mornings, Mommy hangs out with us. Sometimes we go for walks, but sometimes we just hang out in our PJs:
Or get dressed and just chill in the bed. Mommy plays songs on her iPhone and we sing and she helps each of us dance to the music one at a time.
Afternoons during the week Mommy often works, and Daddy will nap us. (Afternoons on the weekend--really pretty much all weekend--Daddy says it's one baby per customer.)
Sometimes he holds one on either side of him and lets us fuss until we all fall asleep. We call him the Nap Ogre when her does that. We cry really hard for like a minute and then go right to sleep.
And now, we come to the rice cereal part of this post. We love rice cereal, but Mommy and Daddy only give it to us right before our bath. Mommy says she knows rice cereal can be messy, but this is ridiculous.
I'm pretty much focused on eating while I'm eating. Bubs sometimes makes noise, though. He'll go "num, num, num, num," which makes Mommy laugh so hard.
The mess is made worse by Daddy's "Eat It or Wear It" policy (although we get just as messy when Mommy feeds us):
So that's been our month. Fun, fun and more fun!
Bye for now!
Love,
Zoey
CORRECTIONS DEPT.:
My husband/Zoey's daddy read this after posting and said, "First of all, it's Princess Cheesy Poof Poof spelled "poof" not "pouf". And, it is not Princess Cheesy Poof Poof of the Poof Poof CLAN, it's the Poof Poof EMPIRE.
"Mommy doesn't fact check before she posts."
Luke's Diary: Palisade Peach Festival
Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!
Guess what we did this weekend? Palisade is one town over from where we live...it is full of orchards and vineyards, and this weekend was the Palisade Peach Festival, and we got to go!
Friday night Mommy didn't take any pictures, but we went and sat on the grass and listened to some music...the night was warm and the air smelled sweet and Mommy and Daddy had gyros and a beer each with peaches floating in it and there was a bluegrass band and then a rock band from Austin, Texas, which Mommy said sounded just like the music she used to go see on Sixth Street when she went to college down there. Grammy and Grandpa were there too. We had such a fun night.
And here we are Saturday morning...here's Sissy in what Mommy and Daddy call the "playpen" while they were getting us packed and ready. (By the way, I overheard Mommy saying that before she had kids she would never have considered buying something like this and putting it in her living room. But we have so much fun in it...she loves that we have it.)
And here I am in my car seat, ready to go:
Palisade is this really pretty town right at the base of some buttes:
There was quite a line for the pancake breakfast:
And then after the pancake breakfast...and oh! I almost forgot! While Mommy and Daddy were in line for pancakes, we hung out with Grammy and Grandpa, who had gotten there earlier and already had their pancakes. And Grandpa GAVE US BITES OF PANCAKES! (Even though Mommy says all we're supposed to be eating right now is rice cereal.) All I can say is, YUM.
Anyways, after the pancake breakfast, there was a PARADE! It was our first parade and it was so cool. We watched it sitting with Grammy and Grandpa, with Mommy and Daddy standing right behind us:
Oh, and by the way, has Mommy told you about Sophie the Giraffe? Me and Sissy, we each have one, and we LOVE them. They go with us pretty much everywhere.
There were two marching bands in the parade...they were loud but they were so cool:
And the Shiners riding in circles on thier motorcycles:
And the Peach Festival Queen and her court:
And my favorite, obviously--the fire truck. In the fire truck was the Town Grump, which Mommy thought was hil-arious. Apparently, it's an elected position.
So that was the Peach Festival. It was so fun! Grandpa says he hopes wherever Mommy and Daddy move it is a small town that has things like this. I agree.
Love,
Luke
"The Conflict"
Note: This post has been written as part of PAIL's August Book Club. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.
I recently read--with great interest--"The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women" by Elisabeth Badinter. (As an aside, sitting in our backyard after the kids are asleep, drinking a beer in the warm evening air and reading an actual book has been such a huge treat...it's the first time I've done this since the babies were born.) In a nutshell, the author claims that today's "natural" parenting ideal makes it impossible for women to have a life outside of being a mother, which in her opinion is a bad thing.
There's a positive and a negative that have stayed with me:
The Positive
This is the first I've read of the current ideal being held up for motherhood (breastfeeding, attachment parenting, home with the kids instead of working, co-sleeping, etc.) just being one way of looking at things, not gospel. That maybe there are other ways to be a good mom, and it's not just do it that way, and everything you do that comes up short is a failure on your part.
This is something I've been thinking about in regards to the feminism I grew up with: that to deprioritize/postpone a family in favor of a career (which is what I was encouraged to do) is not the only path to take.
I am very susceptible to these types of messages, apparently. With the whole feminism bit, I felt like I had to put my career first, even though that's not what my heart wanted. And now with the kids, I've been feeling bad about where I come up lacking in the motherhood department because I have chosen to work (part time, from home), but maybe I don't have to buy into all the dogma the second time around. Buying into the whole feminism thing has caused me regret; I don't have to go through that again with not living up to an ideal of motherhood I don't 100% agree with, anyway.
(Another aside: Can I just tell you how much I hate the preachiness of the natural/attachment parenting crowd? I like a lot of their ideas, I am with them in theory and a lot of my parenting follows their advice, but, for example, I tried everything humanly possible and can't breastfeed my twins 100% of the milk they need...and I'm sick of being made to feel guilty for that, because it wasn't my choice...I'm doing the best I can with what is physiologically possible...I hate all the messages that I'm short-changing my kids because they are not exclusively breastfed.)
The Negative
It's not just this book, but why does everyone, especially feminists, always assume that women don't WANT to be home with their kids 24/7? That given a choice, every woman wants to work? The author of this book makes it seem like staying home with the kids is the easy, expected (although undesirable) choice, when in reality it often seems to be an unaffordable/unsupported luxury. I'd love to stay home with our kids and not work, but my husband and I want a standard of living that necessitates me working at least a little. (We could live on my husband's salary--many people make it work on a lot less--but we want to be able to take the kids on trips, for example. And be able to save for college. And retire at some point.) And the way I've been able to work isn't that onerous (I'm not working that many hours, and half the time I have a kid on my lap). Besides the money aspect, in my crowd (college educated, successful, urban professionals), there is plenty of support for returning to work after having a kid or two, pretty much zero for wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom.
Bottom Line
This book made me feel better about some of my choices, about what I feel in my gut is right for me and my family. I guess that's where the value in reading was for me...in me doing a better job of recognizing that just because somebody says I'm supposed to raise my kids a certain way, it doesn't mean they know better than I do about what's right for my life and my family.
XOXO
Little Girl, Part 2
Meant to include this with yesterday's post but forgot. Love this poem. Today making me think of my extraordinary parents, who were so there for us when we needed them.
XO
Eggs
We turn out
as tippy as
eggs. Legs
are an illusion.
We are held
as in a carton
if someone
loves us.
It's a pity
only loss
proves this.
--Kay Ryan, The New Yorker, August 6, 2012
Little Girl
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday! :)
So, over the weekend, I went with my parents to the Compassionate Friends summer potluck. The Compassionate Friends are for parents who have lost a child, and they make siblings feel welcome, too.
After the dinner, we went down to the airstrip. (Actually, I should have started this post by saying this was held at Alice's, who has this amazing piece of land up above the Colorado National Monument. There's an airstrip (her husband flew planes) and the most beautiful little log chapel, which is where my husband and I got married.)
Anyway, down to the airstrip, and they had balloons, and you could write messages and place them on the balloons and once everyone was ready, you let go and sent them up to Heaven.
I picked out a purple one for my brother. And felt a little sad, but it was OK.
And then almost all the balloons were taken, and there were a few left and I don't know why but I went back and asked if I could have a pink one. For the baby girl we lost to a miscarriage. And I shed some tears for her, holding her pink balloon, which I never do. When it happened, I made myself get over losing her so fast...all I could do to get through it was to focus on the next thing, the next procedure, and that maybe that would bring us a baby. (And it did.) But the sadness is there, buried deep inside.
I tied her balloon to Luke's (my brother's), and sent them up to Heaven together.
Because I know he's up there looking out for her.
XOXO
Way Back When... (Nor Cal/So Cal Edition)
Long story short, I ended up teaching--instead of taking, which is what I always do--my yoga class a few days ago. Which made me think about my days as a surf instructor, up in San Francisco. Which made me miss the surf. And California.
Also, one of my friends from when I lived in Santa Barbara sent me these old pictures the other day:
I remember this day well, my dog the boxer (Dexter, who was my brother's before he died), Kelly the lab puppy who belonged to Philippe downstairs, Julie's (my friend's) roommate's two dogs, all in the back of my Jeep to Hendry's Beach to play in the sand, sand all over the Jeep after (which was nothing new).
All this seems so far away, it may as well be a dream. That's OK. I'm so, so happy in the here and now.
Still, I've had to work hard to get over the ocean. To make peace with the fact that I'm landlocked. That my surfboards live in my Colorado garage, haven't touched water in years and years...
Still, I sometimes get a little wistful...
Although who knows, maybe we'll live by the sea again...
XOXO
First Solids--Too Good Not to Share :)
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
So last week we introduced Luke and Zoey to rice cereal...oh my gosh, how cute is this?!?
Since that first time we've learned to feed them in their washable Bumbos only, on the wooden kitchen floor, in just a diaper, right before bath time. It's also not a bad idea to be wearing something you're prepared to have rice cereal on.
Every day they're loving the cereal more. And--may be coincidence, maybe not--Zoey is starting to sleep through the night. :)
XOXO
Top Five: Kids Books
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
Today I wanted to talk about books. Kids books. Luke and Zoey loooooove books...a guaranteed way to quiet them down if they are at all fussy is a story or two. And we've definitely got our favorites, which right now include:
1. Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans. An oldie but goodie (first published in 1939). Love the Parisian setting (can't wait to take my kids to Paris...we'll make sure to visit all the landmarks in this book), love the rhyming story, love how sweet all the characters are. My friend who gave me this book at one of my showers commented that it reminds her of my writing, which I thought was such a sweet compliment.
2. Stuck by Oliver Jeffers. Love the pictures. Love the handwritten words. And the story is so funny. You won't believe what ends up in the tree...the curious whale is my personal favorite.
3. I Want My Hat Back by Jon Klassen. The pictures are so great. And the story...you know, if someone took my hat, I would think maybe they were having a bad day, maybe they had a rough childhood, maybe they were cold and needed it. But the bear in the story...(SPOILER ALERT)...he just eats the guy who took his hat. My husband thinks this is hilarious...much more along the lines of how he would approach the problem.
4. Darth Vader and Son by Jeffrey Brown. Speaking of my husband, if you're a Star Wars fan and your son is named Luke, how can you not love this book? The picture of Darth Vader lying squished on the couch with his son asleep next to him is priceless.
5. Snuggle Puppy by Sandra Boynton. This book is essentially a song a mother dog sings to her puppy, part of which is: "I love who you are, I love what you do." It's sooooooo sweet. I walk around singing this song to my kids to a made-up tune, even when we're not reading the book.
So anyway, that's some of what we're reading these days.
Those of you with kids, what are your favorites right now? I think we're going to make an inaugural trip to the library next week, and I need a list! :)
Hope you all have a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO