Truth in Blogging

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind of late, mostly because as I come out of the fog of the first few months of motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be moving forward.

From the beginning, this blog was meant as a fun, creative project for me. What it was about initially was my struggles getting over the death of my brother, and, even more so, my last few rounds of IVF and the last loss (late miscarriage) that we suffered in relation to that.

And then the pregnancy that didn't end in disaster! Yay! And the twins...the incredible twins that have brought so much joy to our lives. And so these days, this is very much a parenting blog, and that's where I want this blog to go (for the time being, at least).

One of the things that popped into my head last week while thinking about this is that famous Tolstoy quote, about (and I'm paraphrasing) every happy family being the same, but every unhappy family being unhappy in its own way.

I was thinking about that because ours is such a happy family, and that's what I want this blog to be about. And I disagree that every happy family is the same. I think they are all different, and for me the key to making it thought this life with all its trials and tribulations is to focus on what is happy--the unique, specific things that bring happiness--especially when times are good, which they are right now.

OK.

That said, there is a flip side.

Of course my life's not perfect...no one's is. And I'm afraid that people reading my blog will think that it is these days, because I don't talk about the bad stuff very often anymore. A lot of that is because there isn't that much bad stuff. And also, I am making a conscious choice to focus on the good.

But is that dishonest?

I'm going to say no...my space, my rules, and I'm not making my life out to be something that it's not. I really just don't want to focus on the negative. But there ARE things that happen and things that I worry about that I don't usually bring up. For instance:

1. My husband and I fight sometimes. We always make up, but still, it happens
2. I still miss my brother terribly sometimes
3. I still fell totally traumatized by what we went through to have children, although for the most part I'm just trying not to think about it. (Same with my brother. I'm not sure how healthy a coping strategy this is, but it's what I've got)
4. Sometimes I'm scared of moving (which is probably what's going to happen once my husband accepts a job). Actually, I'm excited for my husband to get an amazing job, and I'm excited to go with him somewhere new. It's just that I'm going to miss my parents. And it's going to be fine because we're all committed to visiting, there's phone calls and Skype and email and etc, etc. I'm just a little afraid of the unknown...
5. I'm still scared that something is going to happen to the twins. The horrible anxiety I had right after they were born is gone, thank goodness. But still, I worry
6. And I have regrets about the past...the far past...things I can't do anything about...
7. And work can be...I mean, I'm really grateful of the fact--and proud of the fact--that I can support my family if need be (like in this interim place between my husband finishing school and finding a good job). Still, sometimes work...there can be stress and angst
8. I shouldn't worry about money, because we're doing fine, but sometimes I do
9. Etc...

Here's why I don't want to write about these things that often. Not because I'm embarrassed about any of them, or that I want people to think my life is better than it is. But because the things that go on, the things I worry about...for the most part they don't change. And I don't want to be a broken record, over and over with the small things that are at times not so great. 

This isn't a diary. This isn't a confessional tell-all, and I'm not pretending it is. This is just a space where I (for the most part) want to record all that is joyous in my life, and there is so, so much of that.

But I promise, on occasion, to spill the beans on the bad stuff.

Because that's part of it, too.

Just not the part I want to focus on, and I hope that that's OK.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

XOXO

Zoey Wears Vintage (And Finally, Finally Goes Down for a Nap)

This smock was mine when I was a baby...love being able to use some of the things my mom saved for me. :)

In other news, my kids sure don't nap easily. Zoey fights it and fights it and fights it. And then sleeps like a little angel...

Happy Monday!

XO

Naming a Son After a Brother Who Died Young: Some Thoughts

Interesting article in the New York Times a few days ago, entitled Naming a Son After a Brother Who Died Young, by Linda K. Wertheimer. In it, she talks about her reasons for NOT doing this, which seem to boil down to the pain it would cause her and her family, and the undue burden it would place on her son.

As some of you know, I have experience with this as well. My brother Luke died in an accident at 27, seven years ago now. We were living together at the time, and his death was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. 

I'd thought about if I were to have a boy I might want to name him Luke, but I always assumed that my husband wouldn't want to. He never knew my brother (I met my husband a few months after my brother's death), and it's been hard for him, how sad I've been for so, so long about what I for years saw as not only the end of my brother's life, but the end of my life, too.

When we started talking about names for the twins, though, it was my husband who said, "Let's name our son Luke." I was so excited to do so, and feel like that encouragement to use my brother's name was such a gift from my husband.

I did have a few reservations, though, some along the same lines of those held by the woman who wrote this article. Would it make me sad to say my brother's name all the time? Would it be too big a burden to place on my child? Would we have expectations that my son would be like my brother?

My son Luke is just four-and-a-half months old, but the experience so far has been very positive. It's not painful to say his name; on the contrary, the name "Luke" is no longer tinged with such sadness...it's easier than ever to say it, hear it, see it written, and I like that my brother Luke is living on in some small way. It's like he's more a part of our world than he has been in a long time, and that makes me very happy.

And while I still think of my brother, it doesn't happen every time I use or hear my son's name. My parents are now in the habit of saying "Our Luke" and "Your Luke" when there needs to be clarification of who we're talking about; I think we all see them as two very separate people, their name being a sweet and loving connection.

I understand making the decision not to use a brother's name. But for us, it's worked. I'm so glad we did it.

XOXO

Baby Number Three?

Note: This post was written as part of PAIL Bloggers July 2012 Monthly Theme Post. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.

Gosh, it's been a long time since I wrote anything infertility-related. (I think I'm trying to block it out. Seriously.) But I wanted to participate in this month's PAIL theme post. And so, some thoughts on family planning, in FAQ format:

Have you completed your family building or are you considering trying to add another child to your family?

I definitely want one more child, and I think my husband is on board, although we will not officially decide until next spring.

Pros: I love our kids so much (we have four-month-old twins)...I see another child as just adding to the love. Being a mom is by far the best thing I've ever done, and I want more of it.

Cons are for the most part about money. Another kid = we'll need more money, and we're doing fine but it's not like there's cash to spare. Also, the logistics of having three children under the age of two (if we try, we're going to try pretty soon) are a little daunting.

What does your “complete” family look like? Has this changed along your infertility journey?

I would have loved to have had a bunch of kids (four? five?), but time is not on my side. I know everyone has a different number in their head about what is "too old" to have kids...my personal number is only two years away. And my husband and I are in agreement that we don't want to have twins again. (The twins are fabulous, mind you...it's mostly the fact that I had a very difficult pregnancy with horrible morning sickness, diabetes, preeclamsia...it just seems safer to have just one next time around. Plus we're in the middle of caring for two four-month-olds at the same time, and that's pretty intense...hard to fathom doing again when you're in the middle of it.)

My infertility has definitely influenced this. I started trying to have children in my 20s, and had I been able to do so then, there would have been time for that bigger family.

Do you think there is such a thing as “optimal” child-spacing? What do you think this is, and what do you base it on?

I kind of like the idea of my kids being close in age. On the other hand, it might be nice to have a bit of a break before having an infant again. But that's an option I don't have, so I don't really think about it.

Are you factoring in how far apart your children would be in your decision to start trying again? How so?

The clock is ticking, so I don't feel I have the luxury of making a choice about child spacing. But I'm OK with that.

If you are planning to add to your family, what considerations must you take into account (i.e. beginning treatment again, pursuing adoption again, finances, etc.)

I've had two surgeries, a cancelled IVF, two fresh IVF cycles ending in chemical pregnancies, a fresh IVF cycle ending in a late miscarriage, and a FET resulting in my twins. There's no question about fresh IVF cycles not being an option AT ALL...we are done as far as money, emotion, travel, time, how hard it all is on my body, etc.

We do, however, have five frozen embryos (or "freezer tots" as my husband calls them), and that's where our hope for one more child lies. FETs aren't terribly expensive, so thankfully money is not a big issue. What are issues are the following:

• The emotional investment, although I'm hoping it will be easier to go through treatment already having kids. Still, deciding you really want one more and then not being able to make that happen would be hard
• Do I want to put my body through all that again?
• There's travel involved to our out-of-state clinic
• As I mentioned, we're not willing to risk twins again, which for us means putting in one embryo at a time, which on each try lowers our chances of success, but we don't see any other option (we're not willing to do selective termination)

Knowing what you know now, what are your emotional considerations in trying for a second (or third, or fourth, etc.)? 

I just have to approach this as though one of those embryos will work (although I know that is not guaranteed). Anything else and I just can't face all the drugs, the travel, the money, what I'm doing to my body, etc. Honestly, the love I feel we have to give to another child makes dealing with all the emotion of this worth it. I've been trying to put the hardness of trying to have children out of my mind, and hope to continue to do that if we try for another...instead of my whole life being invested in the outcome, just try, and make it as minimally disruptive as possible (the process of trying to get pregnant), and hope for the best. I think I'll be in a very different emotional place and hoping, hoping, hoping it'll be easier.

Hope you all are having a lovely Wednesday!

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Mommy's Birthday (Glenwood Springs, Colorado)

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Mommy said that today I could tell you guys about the trip we all took over the weekend for her birthday. You guys! It was SO FUN! 

Mommy's birthday was Friday, and she took the day off. She told me that years ago when she was a surf instructor she had to work on her birthday and was so bummed about it (even though being a surf instructor was fun work, it was still work, she said). Anyway, she has taken her birthday off ever since.

That morning, we got up early with her and hung out upstairs and laughed and played and danced like we do lately most mornings. And then me and Bubs took a nap TOGETHER--which we almost never do--so that Mommy could pack.

We stopped for lunch just me and Luke and Mommy and Daddy, at a burger place called Vicco's...Mommy says they have the best hamburgers ever!

We hung out in our stroller and had bottles at the end of the meal.

And then for Mommy's birthday Grandma and Grandpa got rooms for us and them and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend at the Hotel Colorado...it was my first hotel and Mommy says it's one of the good ones. Mommy says she has a thing for hotels...not expensive ones, necessarily, just ones that are cool and have some character. She said it was SUCH a treat to get to stay here.

The hotel is right across from the Glenwood Hot Springs. Mommy didn't go there this trip, but she did go with Grandma to the Vapor Caves, which Mommy says are like a natural steam room. Mommy got a massage, too. Meanwhile, Daddy and Grandpa were watching us, and we screamed and screamed, Daddy thinks because the room was kind of hot. But by the time Mommy got back, we were sleeping like little angels.

Here are some pictures of Glenwood. We walked downtown for dinner...everyone ate kind of late because we were waiting for Uncle Ben to get here. Everyone but me and Luke had Italian food at the Italian Underground. Luke and I slept in our stroller.

Mommy got lots of presents, like some books and this trip from Grandma and Grandpa, and a ruby necklace from us and Daddy. Oh, and she wanted me to show you how Uncle Ben wrapped his gift. (The flower was added on by his secretary.)

The next day was so fun, although Mommy didn't take many pictures. We all went to breakfast together, and then Luke and I went walking with Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Ben and his girlfriend went and test-drove the new car Daddy wants to get once he has a job, and then they went up the canyon a little ways and sat on rocks by the river in the sun and waved to the people going by in rafts and kayaks and on paddle boards. Mommy says she can't wait until we are old enough to go on the river.

The last part of the time together was supposed to be going to Uncle Ben's favorite Mexican restaurant ever...but when we got there, it was shut down for nonpayment of taxes. Mommy says hopefully it is open again soon.

And then we drove home and all slept and slept. Mommy says the trip was sooooooo worth all the effort--and one of the best birthdays she's ever had--but she was tired afterwards. I'm sure that had nothing to do with the fact I woke her up at 2 AM and spent the next three hours trying to play. I was so cute...it was hard for her to be firm with me about going back to sleep. Finally, I got fussy, and when that happened Daddy woke up, and Mommy handed me to Daddy and I went right to sleep. Honestly, how hard is it to figure out when a girl just wants her Daddy? 

Anyway, it was a super fun trip, and I can't wait to do another one!

Love,

Zoey

Luke's Diary: Four Months

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

It's my turn to tell you about all that's been happening!

Well, first of all, it's summer, and Sissy and I have been spending LOTS of time outside. (But in the shade, of course. Mommy says we're not ready for sun yet.) Here we are on the lawn at Grandma and Grandpa's, one of our favorite places:

Here's our boxer, Newton. He's always looking out for us. Mommy tries to keep him from licking our faces, but I don't really mind.

Here's Grandpa Steve! We love Grandpa Steve!

And here's Grandpa Steve playing airplane with Sissy. We both really like airplane:

Uncle Ben was over visiting us, too. We love seeing Uncle Ben!

We're doing a bedtime routine that involves baths now, but earlier in the month we were sometimes taking baths in the morning over at Grandma and Grandpa's. They have a nice big tub where we would take baths together. We love to kick and splash!

Here's me and Sissy on a blanket that used to be our Mama's when she was a baby:

You know what's the coolest thing? FEET! I just discovered mine, and nothing else is as entertaining:

Sissy's more about her hands. Sometimes she gets me when she's waving them around, but I know she doesn't mean anything bad...it's just her way of saying hi!

And here's our Mama holding us. She went back to work about a month ago (but only part-time, she wants me to tell you), so we don't get to play with her 24/7 anymore, but she's still with us a lot. She takes breaks if we need her. And the weekends are really special now, because we get to spend all day together.

Mama tries to get us tummy time every day:

Me and Sissy, we're both rolling over...here's Sissy caught in the act!

Mommy and Daddy have been taking us to lots of outdoor music. Here I am with Grandma Peggy at the Samples, which is a band Mama used to see when she was in college. This was our fourth outdoor concert!

And here's Sissy with Daddy that same night:

Isn't Daddy's hat cool? Mommy says I need to be sitting up before I can have a hat like that.

Speaking of Daddy, he's taking care of us the part of the day when Mommy is working. We loooooove our Daddy! You know how a lot of kids are really bonded to their mothers? Me and Sissy, we're pretty much bonded to Mommy and Daddy equally, because they both spend so much time with us. Mommy says we're super lucky it's like this.

Daddy is so fun! His new game is Bongo Drums, where he lays Sissy and I side by side and then plays the drums on our tummies. Sissy smiles big smiles for him, but I'm the one who laughs and laughs. The other day, I was laughing so hard Mommy had to leave her office and come into the bedroom to see what was up. We let her sit and play with us for a while. Daddy's also really good at airplane, and of course making us dance. And he's been playing Unicorn with Sissy, where he licks the back of a pacifier and sticks it to her forhead. It's hil-arious.

Like I said, Sissy and I are getting baths every evening these days. We like our baths (most days). After baths we get baby lotion massages, and then we eat, and then Mommy sits with us and we say thank you for all the good things that happened during the day, and then sometimes she sings us a song, and then we go to bed. We've been pretty good about going to bed at a decent time; Mommy says the routine is good for us. Sometimes I don't want to do a routine, though, and those times Mommy and Daddy let me hang out with them until I get tired.

While GOING to sleep is going well, STAYING asleep is not guarenteed. Daddy says we heard the Beastie Boys singing 'No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn' and we took it to heart.

Mornings are our time with Mommy. Sometimes we go for a walk, sometimes we go downtown and get coffee or breakfast, but sometimes, especially lately, we just hang out in the bedroom while Daddy gets a little sleep in the guest room downstairs (he's tired because he stays up with us lots of nights so Mommy can get some sleep so she can concentrate at work).

We nap sometimes, and eat, and Mommy plays music for us so we can dance (this morning it was Katy Perry), and we read stories and play with toys. We are really starting to get interested in toys. This is Squidly, and he rattles and makes crackle noises. Sissy has a pink-and-gray stuffed mouse named Pinky, but she still takes Squidly from me sometimes. The other day she did it and I cried. I know she isn't doing it to be mean....her hands just run into Squidly and get tangled up. Still, I wanted Squidly back.

So that's what's been going on. We are having the best, best, best time...happiest babies ever.

Love,

Luke

Three Months

Two Months

One Month

Updates, Updates, Updates

Table of Contents:

• Breastfeeding
• Sleeping
• Postpartum
• Work
• Moving

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Today I wanted to update you all on a bunch of stuff I've been writing about over the past few months:

Breastfeeding

Those of you who've been reading a while know breastfeeding has been a real challenge. Also something I'm really committed to doing. In the beginning I wasn't making near enough milk, and it was also very painful. I was breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula.

Then, I went to pumping 8 time/day, still supplementing with formula.

Then, I tried to work back in actual feedings, all the while making sure I was feeding or pumping 8 times/day, including once at 3 AM, also keeping very careful records to make sure each twin got fed the same amount of breast milk. Plus I was taking all sorts of supplements to help with milk production.

And now...well, the supplements have stopped (I hate taking pills, and it's a relief not to have to do so). The record keeping has stopped, which is also a relief. The 8 times/day rule has stopped. And the pumping for the most part has stopped.

These days, I'm feeding whoever's hungry, trying to make it even, supplementing with formula when needed (most feedings). And while formula is still needed, I'm making a lot more milk than I was (I think)...when I pump sometimes I get up to 5 or 6 ounces total (at the very least 2), whereas 4 used to be my absolute max, and there were many, many sessions where I only got half an ounce or less. 

One thing I AM still doing, is a middle-of-the-night feed or pump (setting my alarm for 3 AM to make that happen).

Anyway, the kids are still getting breastfed, but in a much more relaxed way. It feels right to us. It finally feels natural, after sooooooooo much effort. I'm just kind of letting it be what it will be at this point, vs trying to force my body to do what I want it to do.

Sleeping

Ah, sleep. Still elusive, although my husband is doing a lot of the night shift, which helps tremendously (thanks, Jeff!). Still, I'm in a perpetual state of tiredness...part of being a new mom, though, you know?

We're trying to figure out a nap/bedtime routine, and right now here's where we're at:

Waking 7 AMish plus or minus.

Trying for a short nap around 9 AM (may or may not happen).

Trying for another nap around 1 PM (may or may not happen).

Bedtime routine starting around 6 PMish (having this routine has been so great...kids usually go right to sleep): bath, feed, story, talking about all the things we're grateful for in our day, bed by 7 PMish.

"Dream feed" around 10 PM.

Kids are up once or twice each during the night to eat.

I've been experimenting with taking one of the kids to bed with me, either when I go to bed, or when one wakes up and needs to be fed. (My husband watches the other one through the night.) Jury's still out on how that's going. I'm more rested without doing it and instead letting my husband take the night shift with both kids. But I like that individual time with each kid. We'll see how it all pans out.

Postpartum

After losing a TON of weight the first 6 weeks after the kids were born, the rest of the weight I have to lose is coming off sooooooo slowly. I'm walking with the kids, hiking once a week, going to yoga once or twice a week, eating well...I am losing weight but just at a glacial pace. I am still having the occasional treat and could cut that out, and I guess I could eat smaller portions, and maybe go on longer walks with the kids, but I'm already doing a lot/doing the right things and it's frustrating to be losing the weight so slowly. I'm still 12 lbs from my 140 lb goal.

I hesitate to blame it on breastfeeding, but I've heard it can be hard to lose the last 10 lbs while breastfeeding.

In other postpartum news, my linea negra is almost gone, I am losing tons and tons of hair (annoying...it's all over me and the babies), and I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to wear a bikini again, but reserving judgement on that until I lose the rest of the weight (fingers crossed!) I'm getting a lot stronger and in a lot better shape. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my Achilles tendons were hurting a lot after the babies were born, and they seem to be getting back to normal. Also the bruising on my feet I had at the end of my pregnancy seems to be going away.

Work

Work's going pretty well. Working from home is such a blessing. The eventual goal is for me to work 4 hours/day, but right now I'm doing more like 5 or 6 to make ends meet while my husband is job hunting. I've tried lots of different things, and still experimenting, but what seems to be working is me getting up early with the babies and letting my husband sleep after the night shift, handing babies over to him at 11 or so and then working in the afternoon, with breaks for breastfeeding as needed. Occasionally I'll work with a baby in my lap, but I can generally concentrate much better if I go alone to my home office and close the door.

Moving

My husband's still job hunting, but it's going well. We should hear back soon about Virginia (DC area), and he's got an interview this week for a job in Albuquerque (which I am inordinately excited about. Don't know why I'm so excited about Albuquerque, except it's in the West [I would love to stay in the West], is a day's drive from my family, it's pretty cheap to live there, and, I don't know, there's something really beautiful and cool about New Mexico.) There's a possible job in Seattle that's come up (if I have to leave Colorado, I would love, love, love to be in Seattle), and a few things in Denver. The job in LA that my husband was interviewing for doesn't look like it's going to happen. LA would have been great, but it's so expensive...

So basically, everything's still up in the air, with the most likely moves at this juncture Viriginia or Albuquerque. For now I'm just trying to enjoy every day we have here, and spend as much time as I can with my parents, and not worry about the future because we have no idea what's going to happen.

So that's the udpate. All's well, still trying to figure a number of things out, just taking everything day by day.

XOXO

Shop Local

These posts, from e tells tales, about her husband losing the family grocery, are breaking my heart. I mean, he did everything right...it's not fair that things ended up the way they did just because the playing field isn't level. Plus, I don't think a lot of people think about what they're doing when they choose Wal*Mart over the local grocer.

The Story of a Store, 1

The Story of a Store, 2

The Story of a Store, End

I hate Wal*Mart. Partly because my brother who died hated it, and someone's got to carry on that legacy, you know? Partly because it's just such an unpleasant shopping experience. Partly because I think they carry a lot of crap. But mostly, because of what it does to small local businesses. 

Except for where I live now, I've been really lucky to have lived my whole adult life in places where small local shops and restaurants and bars etc. are easy to come by (Boulder, Seattle, Austin, San Francisco, Santa Barbara). And even here (Grand Junction, Western Colorado), we have such a great downtown. We live downtown, and part of the reason is so I can walk or ride my pink bike with the wicker basket to do errands. I try to do most of my shopping at the small downtown businesses, although there are trips to Target (I know, I know, not much better than Wal*Mart), and recently Starbucks because they have a drive-through and twin babies are the reason drive-throughs were invented. (Although if I have time I still walk to Main Street Bagels with the twins in their stroller and get my coffee there).

Anyway. It's easy to say Wal*Mart and the like are the reason small family businesses aren't making it. And that's partly true. But it's also about the choices we all make. Sure, it's cheaper to go to Wal*Mart. But would you rather have one super cute kid's outfit from the adorale little shop on Main Street, or five poor quaity boring ones from a box store? And would you rather live in a town where you have cool places to shop, and where the people who own the stores know you, or where everything is homogenous and ugly and impersonal? I'd rather have the former, and am willing to spend money to do my part to make sure those shops stick around.

(Note: I DO spend some money at places like Target, but I try to minimize it.)

(And also, I'm not rich, but we have a decent family income and I know that makes it easier. I always think about, you know, there are people who can only afford Wal*Mart. But I also think in most cases part of our culture is pressure to buy MORE...and do people really need all the stuff they buy? Or could they spend the same amount, shop local, and just have less stuff?)

Anyway, something that's been on my mind a lot this week. Am I alone in thinking this way? Sure feels like it sometimes...

XOXO

Jeff + Luke

The resemblance between my husband and my son is amazing. Check it out (you can tell which photos are from the '70s by photo quality):

Happy Monday!

XO

Zoey's Diary: Fourth of July

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Mommy said I could tell you guys about our first Fourth of July. You guys! It was so fun! Except there weren't any fireworks because of all the fires in Colorado. I don't know what fireworks are, but Mommy said it's not really Fourth of July without them. She says next year we should get to see for ourselves. I hope so!

Fourth of July was a Wednesday, which means we got to go to Grandma and Grandpa's...we always go over there on Wednesdays. They live in this area called the Redlands, and all along the streets up there there were flags:

Mommy and Grandpa went for a hike like they always do, and we stayed and played with Grandma. Here are some pictures Mommy took on her hike:

Mommy said there's been some construction going on to the west of this lake, and she and Grandpa jumped the fence to see what it was all about. (It was Grandpa's idea, she said.) She says she thinks it was fish ponds, lots of square ponds side by side with rubber lining the steep edges. She says Grandpa's dog Jack and our boxer Newton jumped into one of the ponds and couldn't get out, so Mommy had to go into the pond and help. Mommy says going anywhere with Grandpa is always an adventure!

After the hike, Mommy came back and hung out with us and Grandma, and Mommy took a nap in the hammock with us. Grandma made lunch and we sat on laps while they played Upwords, which Mommy says is Like Scrabble but you can stack letters on top of each other. Grandma and Grandpa are already teaching us how to play. I think they are pretty hard to beat, though...Mommy almost never wins.

After that we went home and hung out with Daddy! Mommy and Daddy took us out to the yard and played with us on the grass. Here's my fourth of July outfit...isn't it cute? It's red, white and blue with the red bow in my hair:

And here's Bub'ses outfit...he got stars and stripes:

Grandma and Grandpa went to the parade, but Daddy said it was too hot for us. After, they came over and Daddy made dinner, teriyaki burgers and all the sides, and red, white and blue parfaits for dessert. Daddy said next year we can have some! Yay!

So that was our Fourth of July. I thought it was pretty great, even without the fireworks. :)

Love,

Zoey

Dear Luke and Zoey (Family Reunion Edition)

One of the first family reunions I remember. I'm in the middle with my arms crossed, cousins Barbie and Mike to the left in the picture. David, June and Judy are top row left and my Uncle Allan is between Mike and Barbie. Connecticut circa late 1970s.

Dear Luke and Zoey,

Last weekend, we had a small family reunion, the "Colorado Relatives." My mom and her brothers and sister grew up in North Haven, Connecticut, but three of the five siblings made their way out to Colorado as young adults. These were the aunts and uncles and cousins your mama spent lots of time with growing up--"just because" visits, and also Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings and Christmases. They were all so excited to meet you!

You're too young now to remember the stories I tell you, but I have so many stories about all of these people.

Like my Uncle David, who has a Ph.D. in Forestry from Yale, and has for many years lived in and managed his own little forest. I'd tell you about my first memories of him, when he was living in a teepee and had a hole in the ground with a block of ice for a refrigerator. I'd tell you how he'd take me backpacking and cross country skiing, teaching me things like how to feel my way along a trail in the dark, and how to use an avalanche beacon. 

I'd tell you about his daughter, Juniper, a tiny little sprite of a girl in my mind...still so hard to picture her as a grownup. So smart. So like her dad. Her son is 8, and was with us this weekend.

I'd tell you about my cousin Barbie, how as girls at night we'd lay in sleeping bags in each others rooms during visits, laughing and talking about everything under the sun. Her son, who was also with us this weekend, is now 20. She had him at the beginning of her reproductive years, I had you guys towards the end...so crazy that we're the same age and yet there are so many years between our children.

And Barbie's mom, my Aunt Judy, who was always so kind to me, who gave us sweet tea and watermelon when we visited in the summer, turkey and yummy casseroles during the winter holidays. She sang, and going to see her was my first exposure to opera. I'd tell you how one year, I made her an art project out of a board and nails and yarn, and she had it hanging in her kitchen for years and years and years. 

I'd tell you about her husband, my Uncle Allan, who died last year. How he let me use his dark room when I was very young, that chemical smell, no one's ever going to know anymore what with digital photography. He took my interest in photography so seriously.

And I'd tell you about their son, Mike, who was killed in an accident just before he became a teenager. He was a few years older than me. I looked up to him. He used to do magic tricks, and I still have some of his props in my trunk, given to me by my aunt after his death, all these many years later. I was eight or nine when he died, and remember my mother being suddenly gone to be with them, and my dad sitting on the couch, sobbing and sobbing. I still carry Mike, and now his Daddy, with me in my heart.

This family reunion, it was full of croquet and Pictionary, delicious meals, long chats, a folk band on the lawn at a local winery, the moon fat and full, the night warm. It was so lovely to be able to introduce you to these aunts and uncles and cousins, people who have been such a big and sweet and supportive and caring part of my life. I so hope you are able to spend time with them as you grow. 

I'll keep the memories of this weekend alive for you...

Love,

Your Mama 

Sleeping Through the Night(!), And Where We Are With Sleeping Arrangements

Hi Everyone!

Happy Friday!

Hope you all have a fun weekend planned. We're having a family reunion...the twins' "coming out party," as my mother says. So excited!

I've been single parenting it over here, as my husband is away for three days interviewing. (Although I'm spending most of the time at my mom and dad's, so it's not like I'm really going it alone.) I AM spending the nights alone at our house, though, and last night, Luke slept from 10:30 PM to 6 AM! Through the night! Hallelujah! And Zoey slept an 8-hour stretch earlier in the week for my husband...granted, it was 5 PM to 1 AM, but still...

I've been taking the babies to bed with me sometimes in the middle of the night, and that seems to work great. (My husband's been napping with them, too.) We've been reluctant to have them in the bed for safety reasons (we don't want to roll over on them accidentally and smother them), but now that we've been doing it a little, it doesn't feel unsafe. And they're happy, I'm happy, everyone gets more sleep, nursing them is so easy and nice (I don't even have to sit up), vs getting up bleary-eyed and feeding them bottles, which is not nearly as nice...

We'll see how the whole sleeping arrangements thing shakes out...still too soon to tell. But, anyway, I am soooooooo encouraged by the fact that they're sleeping longer stretches. Turns out these babies are not going to be the only ones in the history of babies who don't sleep through the night. :)

Thanks for spending some time here this week. Hope you all have a lovely weekend. 

XOXO 

First Week Back at Work After Maternity Leave (Including Some Thoughts on Attachment Parenting and the Mortgage Crisis)

Hi Everyone!

So last week was my first week back at work after three months of maternity leave, and, all in all, it wasn't that bad. I've been freelancing (advertising copywriting/creative direction, mostly in the digital arena) for 10 years now, and although I used to travel quite a bit for work, I can do what I'm doing from home. The goal moving forward is for me to work part time, so I still have lots of time with the kids. 

Eventually, my mother-in-law is going to help us with the kids while I work (she'll move where we move), but right now I'm patching things together with help from my husband (although he's with the kids all night, so I need to let him sleep some during the day), my mom (thanks, Mom!) and having the babies with me. Some thoughts on how things are going:

• The Sunday before I went back I didn't sleep, as I was so nervous about not being with the kids 24/7, but like with most everything, my fears were unfounded
• I feel like I'm working all day, as I try to squeeze little bits of work in when the kids are napping or happily hanging out
• The big challenge is conference calls, especially those where I need to be taking a lot of notes or when I am leading the call. My full attention must be on the call in these instances, so I need to have backup for the kids
• Some conference calls I do are more listening calls, and those seem doable with a kid on my lap or nursing
• Writing, especially things that take a lot of thinking but not many words, also seems doable with a kid on my lap
• The way I work...a lot of times I read things out loud to see if I need to make adjustments, and when that happens I'll read to the kids like it's a story, even though it's some sort of corporate messaging 
• I am soooooooo glad I get to work from home...so incredibly thankful. At the same time, I so wish I could just be with the kids, but me working part time makes so much financial sense...hard to let it go. We're going to make it work. It's going to be just fine 

And in related news, of course I end up reading Dr. Sears' book about attachment parenting just as I'm returning to work. (I read whatever baby books are given to me, so my reading list is very random vs things I've sought out.)

I have to say, the whole attachment parenting thing is really resonating with me. It is also hugely guilt inducing for someone with twins. Attachment parenting in a nutshell as far as I can tell means having your baby with you 24/7 (when not directly interacting wearing in a sling or sleeping with your baby)...even taking work out of the equation, that's absolutely impossible with twins. And when you add work in...as much as I'm trying to have one or the other twin on my lap...I can't live up to the ideal, no way.

Also related...we had a realtor stop by today to talk about the possibility of selling our house (still haven't completely given up hope of staying in the area, but there just aren't that many jobs here for my husband, and it's an important piece of the puzzle to have him working).

Anyway, we bought in 2007 at the top of the market, and five years later all the money we have into the house is gone. And honestly, I knew the mortgage crisis was going on around me, and friends have been affected, but I guess I've been in denial about this up until now. We can't sell our house without a huge loss, which makes no sense. So we'll keep it and rent it. Which means we probably can't buy another one, which makes me sad, although in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal...everyone I care about is healthy and happy and that's all that matters. But I also feel like...I've worked really hard, gone to school, paid my bills, saved money, pretty much done everything right and what do I have to show for it? A house where our BIG down payment has just *poof* disappeared...I mean, maybe I would have been better off not working so hard. And/or blowing all that money on, I don't know, traveling around the world or something. The American Dream right now is just kind of feeling like a big fat lie.

Anyway, in sum:

• Work: Not so bad
• Attachment parenting: Like it in theory, but how the heck are you supposed to make it work with twins and a part-time stay-at-home job?
• The fact that our house is worth a ridiculously low number: Sucks and makes me not want to try, especially since I'm already ambivalent about going back to work. Why work if all you earn just disappears?

Thoughts?

XOXO

Luke's Diary: Father's Day Weekend

Hi Mommy's blog readers!

We had such a fun Father's Day weekend...I can't wait to tell you all about it!

On Saturday, we went to our first festival...the Bluegrass Festival in Palisade. Uncle Ben came to visit, and Grandma Charlotte, and Grandma Peggy and Grandpa Steve were there, too. Sissy and I lay on our monkey blanket in the grass and listened to music and there were lots of people to play with us, and when we cried nobody was disturbed because the music was louder. Mommy says music festivals are a good place to bring babies! Mommy and Daddy and Uncle Ben had beers, and everyone ate good food, and Mommy and Daddy even got us tie-dyed onesies...Mommy said it was the perfect day for us to be little Colorado hippie kids! Oh, and Uncle Ben held me for a while and you wouldn't believe all the women that came up to talk with him! I'm going to have to hang out with him more often...he needs a wife so me and Sissy can get some cousins! It was warm and the cottonwoods were letting go of their cotton...Mommy said it looked like snow, but I don't know because I haven't seen snow yet (although I can't wait to see it because Mommy says she's going to take me and Sissy skiing the first chance she gets.)

The next day, Sunday, we spent the day at Grandma Peggy's and Grandpa Steve's, so we could let Daddy sleep in extra long. Here we are in the hammock. Mommy always lays us next to each other...and as often as not we end up all entwined:

We got to meet somebody new, too--Jane, who was visiting Grandma and Grandpa on her way from Nashville to Jackson Hole, where she lives in the summer. Mommy says we're going to get to go to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone when we're a little older. She also said to tell you that Jane blogs here. I liked Jane a lot and so did Sissy!

Daddy finally came over after his nap, so we could tell him Happy Father's Day! Our dad is the absolute best! (And Mommy's not so bad either.)

Here's everyone between dinner and presents, except Uncle Ben had to leave early to drive home. Daddy and Grandpa Steve both got tools, and me and Sissy also gave Daddy stuffed animals, an owl and a piglet, that he can use when he plays with us. 

Father's Day was so fun! I can't wait for next year!

Love,

Luke

Rustler's Loop

Really loving the Wednesday morning hikes I've been doing with my dad.

Two things that are going to be really hard for me to leave when we move--my parents, and all the wide open spaces we've got around here:

XO

Zoey's Diary: Three Months

Hi Hi Hi!!!

Here I am, because Mommy said I could tell you all about the past month! So much has happened!

My brother and I, we're laughing and smiling and cooing all the time. And I even have started to roll over. And Bubs (that's what I call my brother) is not very far behind!

We're doing all sorts of new things, like sitting in the bouncy chair:

And the Bumbo...we like our Bumbos, but just for short periods of time:

Our coffee table has wheels and is round, and sometimes Daddy will sit us on it in our Bumbos and rotate the table all the way around so we can take in everything that's going on.

Baths are so fun:

And we're doing Tummy Time all over the place! We're both getting so strong! 

 Here are some pictures of me:

My hair has been going crazy sticking up in the back. Daddy calls it peacock head:

And of Bubs:

Mommy loves us so much. She's still nursing us as much as she can, although we have to have bottles too because she doesn't make enough milk for the two of us. When Daddy brings me over to her to nurse, he says like he is talking over the intercom at a restaurant: "Zoey! Reservation at the cow for Zoey! Your cow is now available!"

This was Mommy's last month of maternity leave, and she spent a ton of time with us:

Mommy lays with us in the hammock at Grandma and Grandpa's some:

We also hang out there just me and Bubs a lot, because we spend every Wednesday with Grandma and Grandpa, and sometimes other days too:

This flower quilt is the one Mommy's OB/Gyn made for her...isn't it beautiful?

We went on our first road trip this month, to Uncle Ben's, up in the Colorado mountains. Here I am with Uncle Ben on his birthday:

And with Grandpa Steve:

The dogs we live with--mom calls them boxers--like us a lot! Mommy tries to make sure they don't lick us, but there are a lot of close calls:

Daddy has been home with us, since he just graduated from college and he's job hunting. He stays up with us all night, so Mommy can sleep. Mommy says he's her rock. We love our Daddy!

Daddy snuggles us lots. He also plays with us lots. Like he'll hold me up in the air on my back and wiggle me forward and say "Backstroke!" It's hil-arious! I'm going to have to get Mommy to take a video of it. He also helps us do funny dances with musical sound effects, punctuated by "Dance, Dance Cheese!" (Cheese is my nickname) said loud at the end of it. 

And we got hats! Check out Baba's (that's my other nickname for my brother):

And here are some more pictures of me. Everyone's always taking pictures of me. Sometimes Daddy says in my voice, like I'm talking to him, "Daddy! Please take care of the paparazzi, Daddy! Make them stop, Daddy!"

Here's me doing a cheerleading pose. I kick and sqeal a lot! (By the way, Daddy says of the squealing that I'm a girl, and so of coure I have to talk about EVERYTHING!)

We are such happy babies! We are having the best time!

Love,

Zoey

Joy + Fear

..."a crude blending of idiotic irrational joy and fevered fear of living in a world of harm."

--W.S. Di Piero, in Poetry Magazine, June 2012

This is what being a mama is all about, isn't it?

Or is it just me?

XO

"If It's Worth Doing, It's Worth Overdoing"

So I've come to the realization that the last of the baby weight is not going to lose itself, and, thus, austerity measures have been instituted. (eg, no cheese allowed in the house. I miss cheese. No desserts either, but that's not really a big deal for me.)

Also in an effort to lose the weight, and also, to feel more like myself, I've gone back to yoga this week (which has been so great), and have decided that I'm ready for harder hikes.

My dad and I went out Wednesday, six miles, lots of elevation gain, rocky trail, hot. HARD. As my dad always says (and this statement totally shaped my childhood, and who I am today): "If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing." We did the same hike about a year ago, and it wasn't hard. This week has really highlighted how far I have to go to get my pre-baby strength back, but that's OK. I love yoga and hiking. And after months of babies 24/7, it's lovely to be reclaiming little bits of my old self (although I do feel a little guilty. But it's OK to take care of the mama, right?)

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week! :)

XOXO

Good to Do the Things That Bring You Pleasure...

So even though we're probably moving (although not sure when or where...I'm doing pretty well overall with that uncertainty), I've decided we should make a little bit of effort to make things nice in our yard. So easy with infant twins and not knowing what the future holds just to blow it off. But my mother-in-law is here this week, and this morning she helped me weed, and I planted some flowers for our back patio, swept the winter leaves and dirt up, washed the cushions and generally made it so we can be outside and enjoy it. And I'm so glad I did. We may be here all summer, and there's no reason to deprive ourselves of outdoor pleasures, right?

By the way, my husband's job hunt is going well...he's on his second and third interviews, respectively, for jobs in L.A. and Virginia (the Virginia job involves a likely transfer at some point to Seattle).

And also, I have become obsessed with Instagram:

Hope everyone's having a lovely day. :)

XOXO

Nursery Tour

Hi Everyone! 

I've been meaning to do a nursery tour forever...and today is finally the day!

My husband and I were both hugely involved in decorating this room, and because we both had things we wanted, we didn't end up with a particular theme...instead a mish-mash of things he wanted, things I wanted, budget items, small splurges, sentimental things, things we made, gifts, etc. Here is the finished room, which I love:

This used to be my husband's office, and the gray on the walls is his color, which he was adamant about not changing. I actually like the gray, although when we move I think I'd like to do a lighter, more pastel shade of it. We've just got one crib for now (from Target), a dresser with changing pad (dresser: American Furniture Warehouse; pad and cover: Land of Nod), and a rocker (vintage, from my mother-in-law):

We got tons of quilts/blankets as gifts and are using them all...you really can't have too many! The ones below: polka dots: a gift from a college friend (Nordstrom); multicolored paisley (on crib) and the animals (lower left of picture): hand-made by my BFF's mom (from fabric my fabulously stylish BFF picked out); patchwork quilts on the floor for tummy time: hand-made by my mom (with a little help from me). The white rug on the floor is from American Furniture Warehouse:

These giraffe mobiles were a gift from my aunt and uncle back east...so cute! (From Amazon.) And my husband wanted an alien in the room, and I found kind of a girly patchworky one on Etsy, so we were both happy:

The paisley curtains my mom and I made from fabric from Hobby Lobby...they were super easy. The dotted changing pad cover is something I splurged on. And this bunny is from a dear friend of my mom's...she's English and I so admired her style all the time I was growing up:

My husband and I changed out the plain silver knobs on the dresser...replaced them with some Anthropologie knobs that I'd used on cupboards in my bedroom in Santa Barbara and have been waiting for a chance to use ever since. The silver trash can fit our aesthetic much better than the diaper pails we saw (at least the reasonably priced ones). It works great as far as containing odor, by the way (from Bed, Bath and Beyond).

Love, love, love this vintage rocking chair that my mother-in-law refinished for us. And the leather footstool was a steal at Ross. Great for putting my feet up while rocking, or sitting on while selecting clothes out of the dresser:

Here's a detail view of the pillow in the rocker. When we originally put the room together, it felt too masculine to me, so I tried to add some girly touches like this. This is also something I had in Santa Barbara that I've been trying to find a home for ever since I left (from Land of Nod, although purchased years ago):

A few additional details that I love:

Above the rocking chair we have zoo pictures I got from Etsy:

And my BFF gave us this fabulous nightlight:

My husband has a thing about Ugly Dolls. Actually, it's really cute...when we were dating and in Seattle, we went for a walk in the Arboretum one day and passed by an open house and went inside...in one of the kid's rooms there was an Ugly Doll and my husband said, "If we ever have kids, we need one of those." So the Ugly Doll collection (each given to us as a gift) is kind of sentimental:

My husband's also all about the kids being smart, so he really wanted a periodic table in the nursery (this one's a gift from a woman I work with; from Land of Nod). I added the flower (which I used to wear around my neck some nights going out in San Francisco), again trying to keep the room from becoming too masculine. :)

So that's it! Hope you've enjoyed a peek into our happy little nursery! :)

Happy weekend, and thanks for stopping by.

XOXO