Dexy

Hey Everyone.

It'll be two weeks tomorrow since we lost my brother Luke's (our) dog, and I just wanted to share a few things.

The kids didn't say anything at first, but have been very interested lately in where Dexter has been. I've been telling them the truth, Dexy got sick, Dexy died, we won't see Dexy again. They talk about it a lot, and sometimes Luke says "Dexter come home!" and today Sis said, "Dexy hiding!" It's been interesting trying to explain death to 2-year-olds. They're not sad, it's just kind of matter-of-fact to them...and perhaps that's how it should be to us, too, I don't know...

I'm sad, but not overwhelmingly so. I think because it's a dog, and it matters, but it's not the same as a person. And also having the time with him I think helped a lot. I am, however, absolutely exhausted and have been since Dex died...just can't seem to get my energy back.

The other thing I wanted to talk about...knowing Dexter was going to die (although we lost him sooner/faster than expected)...I tried really hard to live without regrets, so I wouldn't look back and say, for example gosh, I should have stopped work and taken my dog for a hike. I DID stop work and take my dog for a hike, many times, especially during the last couple months.

I had planned to take Dex out and take pictures of him the Wednesday before he died...but that afternoon everything started to go down, and we thought we were going to lose him that day and it wasn't that big a deal, the picture thing, but I was wishing I'd had a chance to take pictures. And then he got better (sort of), and the next day, Thursday, I took him and our other dog Newton on a nice hike, and got these photos of Dex at the end of it...so grateful to have these pictures, he doesn't even look sick and you can see how much character this dog has (had)...ridiculous amounts.

And then he died the next day...

Big sigh...

Love to you all...

Hikes With Dexter

January has been so beautiful in New Mexico.

And I've found some places to hike where it's just me and the dogs, or me and my Dad, who's been visiting, and the dogs.

Sunsets at five have been lovely, although the days are already extending.

There's a duck pond on one of the trails, just up from this picture. Cottonwoods, their leaves brown and dead right now, flank it. It's frozen now, the ice with cracks that look like tree branches. Look forward to the thaw, and to seeing ducks arrive, and then maybe ducklings? It's not too far, so maybe one of these days when it's warmer and there are actual ducks I'll bring the twins with me. 

These hikes right now, primarily, are my time with Dexter, and my way to bring joy to his days. Even though he's doing well every hike I think, "Is this the last?" It could be the last for any of us, at any time, I know, but him dying of cancer makes that thought and my appreciation of the time I have with him ever-present. Which is a good thing.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Dexter Pulls Through

Lovely winter-like hike with Dexter and my other dog, Newton, this morning.

Dexter has a really aggressive form of cancer. We're treating it, but we're only talking months in terms of the time he has left. Had a crisis with him earlier in the week...thought I was going to lose him but he pulled through. There was even some frolicking on the (short) hike we took this morning...not his usual amount, but some. Dexter loves to hike, and I'm using him being able to get out and enjoy himself as his main quality-of-life measure...so I know when it's time to let him go.

Grateful for each day we get together. 

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend. Thanks for spending soem time here this week.

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey (Dexter the Dog Edition)

Dear Luke and Zoey,

Since you were first born, you've shared your home with two boxers, one of whom is named Dexter. Dexter lost an eye over the past weeks...he also turned nine years old...and I've been thinking a lot about him and wanted to tell you...

When I lived in Santa Barbara with your Uncle Luke, I had a dog name Shaye that died one night suddenly and scarily. The next day, your Uncle Luke and I both took off work, got lattes at the Coffee Cat, drove north to Jalama, a beautiful, secluded beach. It was windy and cold, we both were so sad. I lay in the sand and drew patterns with my fingers, Luke poked around the tide pools, coming back to me occasionally to make sure I was OK.

On the way back to town, Luke said, "I think we should get another dog."

"No," I said. "Too soon."

"Well, I'm going to get a dog," he said. "We're set up for a dog. I think it's the right thing to do."

So we went to the Montecito Pet Shop (Montecito is the next town over...it's where Oprah and all the movie stars live) and they had boxer puppies and we sat on the floor and let the puppies crawl all over us and Luke started crying and not that I had any control over the situation, but I knew then that getting a puppy was the right thing to do. (We always joked that all of Dexter's brothers and sisters went to rich homes where the dogs had nannys and private doggie pools and tricked-out dog houses and poor Dexter had to come home to just a normal life with us. Although a dog couldn't have ever asked for a better life than the one Dexter had with Luke.)

Your Uncle Luke loved that dog, they bonded so strongly, they had a year together and then your Uncle Luke died and I got the dog, although he's never really been attached to me at all. It will break my heart when we lose Dexter, but I also know that he will be so happy to be with his true master again.

("Dexter's the only link I have to Luke left," I told your daddy one day when I was scared about Dexter dying sometime in the future.

"You'll always have a link right here," your daddy replied, patting his heart and making me cry.) 

Dexter loves you kids dearly, comes up to give you kisses all the time which he never does with anyone else, not even me or your daddy, lets you guys climb all over him, sleeps in your room in front of your crib. And he is doing fine with one eye, by the way...it's amazing how dogs just adapt and don't even care.

I hope Dexter lives long enough that you have memories of him; regardless, I will be here to tell you stories, to make sure you know...

Love,

Mommy 

Grace in Small Things, February 6, 2013

Hey Everyone!

It's a crazy, stressful, exhausting time with trying to get packed and moved, buy a house, rent out our current house, and my husband's about to leave us for a month (he starts work on Monday, we're staying with my parents until we close on the house or figure out Plan B)...ugh...will miss him so much.

But there are good things happening in my world:

1. A lovely dinner last night with a writer friend of mine and his wife, who also happens to be my OB. They used to live in Albuquerque and it was such fun to get their recommendations on where to go and what to do. They say we'll love it there...

2. Moved me and the kids and the dogs to my parents this morning. They (my parents) have made us all feel so incredibly welcome. I know it's a lot to take us in for a month, but so grateful to a) want to spend all this time with them (and feel like they want to spend it with me) and b) to get along so beautifully with them...not everyone has this kind of relationship with their parents. I'm very grateful for it...

3. Dexter-the-dog is recovering nicely from his eye surgery. He gets to be a one-eyed pirate dog now...arrrrrrr (that's my best pirate impression). Poor guy, but he seems to be in great spirits. Can't wait to take the cone off his head

4. Sucks to work late into the night, but grateful I can do it on days like today where I needed to be with the kids and take care of a zillion other things during normal business hours

5. The light on the Book Cliffs (which run all the way into Utah) late afternoon is so, so beautiful...for the past month I've noticed it almost every day and it's incredible...I think my mom and the babies and I are going to go on a little field trip someday soon...Jeep out there one afternoon and take some pictures...the light this time of year is one of my favorite things about this place...going to miss it for sure

XOXO

Way Back When... (Nor Cal/So Cal Edition)

Long story short, I ended up teaching--instead of taking, which is what I always do--my yoga class a few days ago. Which made me think about my days as a surf instructor, up in San Francisco. Which made me miss the surf. And California.

Also, one of my friends from when I lived in Santa Barbara sent me these old pictures the other day:

I remember this day well, my dog the boxer (Dexter, who was my brother's before he died), Kelly the lab puppy who belonged to Philippe downstairs, Julie's (my friend's) roommate's two dogs, all in the back of my Jeep to Hendry's Beach to play in the sand, sand all over the Jeep after (which was nothing new).

All this seems so far away, it may as well be a dream. That's OK. I'm so, so happy in the here and now.

Still, I've had to work hard to get over the ocean. To make peace with the fact that I'm landlocked. That my surfboards live in my Colorado garage, haven't touched water in years and years...

Still, I sometimes get a little wistful...

Although who knows, maybe we'll live by the sea again...

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Fourth of July

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Mommy said I could tell you guys about our first Fourth of July. You guys! It was so fun! Except there weren't any fireworks because of all the fires in Colorado. I don't know what fireworks are, but Mommy said it's not really Fourth of July without them. She says next year we should get to see for ourselves. I hope so!

Fourth of July was a Wednesday, which means we got to go to Grandma and Grandpa's...we always go over there on Wednesdays. They live in this area called the Redlands, and all along the streets up there there were flags:

Mommy and Grandpa went for a hike like they always do, and we stayed and played with Grandma. Here are some pictures Mommy took on her hike:

Mommy said there's been some construction going on to the west of this lake, and she and Grandpa jumped the fence to see what it was all about. (It was Grandpa's idea, she said.) She says she thinks it was fish ponds, lots of square ponds side by side with rubber lining the steep edges. She says Grandpa's dog Jack and our boxer Newton jumped into one of the ponds and couldn't get out, so Mommy had to go into the pond and help. Mommy says going anywhere with Grandpa is always an adventure!

After the hike, Mommy came back and hung out with us and Grandma, and Mommy took a nap in the hammock with us. Grandma made lunch and we sat on laps while they played Upwords, which Mommy says is Like Scrabble but you can stack letters on top of each other. Grandma and Grandpa are already teaching us how to play. I think they are pretty hard to beat, though...Mommy almost never wins.

After that we went home and hung out with Daddy! Mommy and Daddy took us out to the yard and played with us on the grass. Here's my fourth of July outfit...isn't it cute? It's red, white and blue with the red bow in my hair:

And here's Bub'ses outfit...he got stars and stripes:

Grandma and Grandpa went to the parade, but Daddy said it was too hot for us. After, they came over and Daddy made dinner, teriyaki burgers and all the sides, and red, white and blue parfaits for dessert. Daddy said next year we can have some! Yay!

So that was our Fourth of July. I thought it was pretty great, even without the fireworks. :)

Love,

Zoey

Rustler's Loop

Really loving the Wednesday morning hikes I've been doing with my dad.

Two things that are going to be really hard for me to leave when we move--my parents, and all the wide open spaces we've got around here:

XO

"If It's Worth Doing, It's Worth Overdoing"

So I've come to the realization that the last of the baby weight is not going to lose itself, and, thus, austerity measures have been instituted. (eg, no cheese allowed in the house. I miss cheese. No desserts either, but that's not really a big deal for me.)

Also in an effort to lose the weight, and also, to feel more like myself, I've gone back to yoga this week (which has been so great), and have decided that I'm ready for harder hikes.

My dad and I went out Wednesday, six miles, lots of elevation gain, rocky trail, hot. HARD. As my dad always says (and this statement totally shaped my childhood, and who I am today): "If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing." We did the same hike about a year ago, and it wasn't hard. This week has really highlighted how far I have to go to get my pre-baby strength back, but that's OK. I love yoga and hiking. And after months of babies 24/7, it's lovely to be reclaiming little bits of my old self (although I do feel a little guilty. But it's OK to take care of the mama, right?)

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week! :)

XOXO

2011: A Look Back

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

Hope you all have great New Year's Eve plans! We're laying low, which is fine. Unless we're traveling, I'm not a huge one for New Year's Eve, pregnant or not.

Like most everyone else, the end of the year is always kind of a reflective time for me. Thought I'd share some of what I've been thinking about:

January

We took a belated three-week honeymoon to Europe the end of 2010/beginning of 2011...spent New Year's in Prague (amazing...would do it again in a heartbeat) and the first few days of the year in Venice:

As soon as we got home, we got word that my husband's dad was very sick...we went straight to Las Vegas to be with him, and he died a week later. So hard, but I'm so glad we got that time together.

And then, straight to Denver for IVF #4.

February

The transfer for IVF #4 happened in February...AND we got a BPF! A good solid one, too...all my previous ones had been iffy and ended up being chemical pregnancies. We were so excited!

Didn't feel too bad for the first few weeks, and did some nice easy walks in the Colorado National Monument, which is super close to our house:

March

I was sick, sick, sick with the pregnancy.

We went to Vegas again to see and help my husband's mom. 

Spring started to arrive:

April

We lost our baby, a girl, at 11 weeks 5 days...so close to being out of the first trimester and "safe." It was devastating, but my husband and I were so sweet and loving and supportive of each other. We lay on the couch in the evenings and drank wine and talked and cried. And then when we couldn't cry anymore we watched episodes of "Wipeout" which is the most ridiculous TV show ever...have never watched before or since but somehow the stupidness and silliness was what we needed.

Family and friends were wonderful, too.

And got back to being active, with one quick weekend snowboarding trip with my brother (we took his snowmobiles out into the backcountry...he'd run me up a hill and I'd snowboard down). So fun even though the snow sucked as it was so late in the season.

I also started hiking, including an incredible day trip to Moab with my mom and dad.

One of the places I went a lot in those first few weeks after the miscarriage was Holy Cross trail. When I first moved to the area, I'd stumbled on this cross. Didn't learn until years later that I knew the woman who'd brought it into being, and it was for her lost child:

May

Tried to get my body ready for an FET...the D&C wasn't complete...another trip to Denver and our clinic was needed.

Worked hard to recover physically and emotionally from the miscarriage.

Life went on as normal for the cows across the street from my parents:

June

An absolutely lovely hiking trip with my Dad in Utah. We take a trip together every year...it is just the best:

And more "finishing the miscarriage" shenanigans and another trip to our Denver clinic.

And the start of our summer vacation, driving to the West coast to camp and hang out with tons of friends...so fun and exactly what we needed.

July

Summer vacation continued...from the start: Highway 50 through Nevada on the way out, California, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver, Salt Lake City on the way home. It was lovely. Here's my husband and I at a BBQ with my BFF, Lake Washington, Seattle:

We also went to Santa Barbara for a long weekend to attend a gorgeous wedding, and again got to spend time with lots of freinds...so wonderful.

And...back to Denver for the FET...stayed with my brother which is always great...had my birthday 2 days before the transfer, and on the last day of the month...another BFP! Yay!

August

Did a short camping trip with my brother, but for the most part sick, sick, sick. 

Learned we had twins!

My mother's organic garden was going crazy...

September

Camped again, this time with my whole family:

Still sick, but all was going well.

October

A fun trip to Denver to celebrate our anniversary.

Other than that, laying low with the pregnancy.

The first snow up in the mountains was so pretty (this is at my brother's house, where he and I and my brother who died grew up):

November 

Went with my husband to Mobile, AL and gulf coast Mississippi to check out a potential job. We celebrated his birthday while we were there...so fun, although traveling wasn't all that easy...

And later in the month, Thanksgiving at our house with lots of people. My husband and his mom did all the cooking! :)

December

Holidays at my brother's up in the Colorado mountains. Here's our boxer Newton playing in the snow:

My pregnancy at 25 weeks is still going strong! :)

So, all in all, a heartbreaking year with the loss of my father-in-law and our unborn baby. A year consumed with doctor visits. Lots and lots of travel (which probably won't happen again for some time). Lots of time with freinds and family. And the most joyous year ever, in that we are so close to bringing home two real, live babies--something I wasn't sure would ever happen for me.

A roller coaster year.

Praying that everything--two healthy babies, graduation for my husband and hopefully a good job offer, a possible move to we're not sure where--will go our way in 2012, which should be a year filled with happiness, but will also probably contain a number of huge transitions.

Happy New Year to you all! Blogging has brought me such joy this year--and your presence has been central to that. Thank you for being here, and looking forward to sharing all that will be 2012.

XOXO

Kristen

Grace in Small Things, October 10, 2011

Snow at my brother's, southwest of Denver. He lives where we grew up...so cool...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'll be doing my usual weekly pregnancy post tomorrow...today there's a lot of good things I want to share! :) I usually list small happinesses here, but some of today's are big:

1. Spent the night at my brother's Friday night (he lives in the foothills outside of Denver), and woke Saturday morning to snow. And I wasn't expecting it at all. I felt like a little kid...delighted...it was magical

2. My parents had two dogs, Jack and Comic. Comic died a short time ago, from a freak illness, which made my parents sooooo sad, but they kept saying, "At least we have Jack."

Well, they went on vacation and left Jack with my brother (who is amazing with dogs, by the way). About a week ago, Jack went missing. And he wasn't wearing a collar/any ID. My brother spent so much time last week, and my husband and I helped this weekend searching for him...ads online and in newspapers, flyers posted all over the place, checking the shelters, going door-to-door looking for him, etc., etc., etc. No luck.

It hit me hard when we checked into our Denver hotel Saturday...we were planning to have Jack with us as we were going to bring him home with us when we came back (we live near my parents, my brother is about 4 hours away from us). The hotel is super dog friendly and had a little chalkboard that said, "Welcome, Jack!" and a dog bed and dog dishes and treats in the room. But we had no dog to check in with. I was feeling so sad. I just couldn't imagine my parents losing BOTH their dogs in such a short time, you know? 

But today--finally--Jack has been found! Don't know the details, but so, so, so happy about that news! :)

(By the way, if you want to make yourself sad, go check out the lost-and-found rooms at your local animal shelter. So many, many sweet, hopeful dogs looking up at you and wagging their tails as you walk by...I hope most of them get found...)

3. Closed down a hip Denver restaurant with good friends of ours on Saturday night (after visiting the coolest little bar [I am of course drinking non-alcoholic beer and water these days, just FYI])...you know it's been a fun night when you suddenly notice it's just you and the wait staff (we left a big tip, BTW).

4. Foo Fighters Denver show last night. Absolutely lived up to my hopes for it (and my hopes were BIG). What an awesome night. They played until almost midnight and there was so much good energy, the crowd was great, the band was great, they played every song but one that I wanted to hear (and that one's pretty obscure, so not surprising). Made me so happy. 

5. Have I mentioned I'm feeling better?!? It's like I was living in black-and-white and the whole world is now Technicolor. I didn't realize how much I was struggling, how down I was feeling just because I was so sick 24/7. Not being sick like that has had a HUGE impact on my mood, how I'm feeling about being pregnant, and I'm feeling like I can handle actual babies (it's hard to picture being any good as a mother when you can barely get out of bed.) I'll talk more about the medication I'm on tomorrow, but bottom line is it has made such a HUGE difference...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

P.S. Courtney, I promise to post pictures of the aspens sometime this week. :)

Not Feeling Very Well...

A cute puppy pic is about all I can muster blog post-wise today.

Hope everyone's Thursday is going great.

XOXO

Newton

Hi Everyone!

So I'm doing a little photography workshop (more on that tomorrow), and am going to make my dog Newton a recurring subject. As such, he's going to be doing a little guest-starrring here over the next few weeks.

This (above) is yesterday just after his bath (I'm pretty terrible about washing my dogs, by the way...a bath is a somewhat rare occurrence) and racing around the yard with our other boxer, Dexter. He's (Newton) really the happiest dog ever...

XO