Pregnancy: Week 4

Hi Everyone!

I'm 5 weeks pregnant today...yay!

(My due date, by the way, is January 1, 2014...how cool is that?)

Wanted to document this pregnancy as I did with the twins, and so:

Not much to report, other than that I am so excited to be pregnant! And I felt great most of the week but the past couple days I have been ravenous, and a tad nauseous (raisin toast with butter seems to help), and tired but I'm not sleeping well at night for some reason (not unusual for me) so that can explain that.

I can also smell a dirty diaper from clear across the house.

And I swear I already look a little pregnant. One of my pregnancy books says with a second pregnancy you start showing 5 minutes after a positive pregnancy test, and I thought they were kidding, but apparently not.

One thing that is kind of hard, my clinic has asked me to minimize my lifting, and luckily I have my mother-in-law here to help get the kids in and out of the crib, their chairs to eat, etc. But I miss picking up and carrying my kids so much! And it makes stuff hard, like I wanted to go to a play group yesterday, but I can't really load and unload the stroller, and loading and unloading the kids...just trying to be as safe as possible (although I am picking them up some). My clinic has asked for me to restrict lifting for the first trimester, so I've got a ways to go with that...

Anyway, this first week of being pregnant has been awesome. Trying not to think too much about the future, because I know the first trimester is a risky time. Just taking it day by day and trusting everything will work out OK...

XOXO

Sandia Mountain Tram

Hello Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

First of all, thank you all so much for all your kind words on Monday about my sadness over my brother, and also all the congrats surrounding our baby news. Means a lot.

I am feeling emotionally better than earlier in the week. And for those of you who have asked if I am maybe having twins, my first beta with the twins was in the 600s, vs 161 this time. And we only transferred one embryo. I know none of that is a guarantee, but, oh, man, we are not prepared for twins. I don't think it's twins. First ultrasound is on the 13th...stay tuned...

Anyway, today I wanted to share some pictures from a couple weekends ago (I'm still so behind on my blog...am determined to get caught up this week!) when my mom was here and the kids and the grandmas and I went up the tram on Sandia Mountain. It's about a 20 minute ride each way, amazing views:

At the top you can see all of Albuquerque off to one side, and on the back side is a small ski area, and Santa Fe off in the distance:

We figured it would be fun for the kids to play in the rocks and dirt some before heading back down. That's the kind of thing kids really care about, right? :)

Such a fun way to spend a sunny Sunday afternoon!

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, April 29, 2013

Hi Everyone.

I have a really hard time writing the date today in the title of this post. (In fact, I've been purposely mis-dating all my work documents today.)

This is the day my little brother was killed.

I had a massive sobbing breakdown last night that I don't even want to talk about. Like I said to my husband, it's like it's actually happening all over again, not something that's in the past, but something that's about to happen and I'm not going to be able to survive it. (I was living with my brother when he died...I'm the one who got the call, who had to go to the ER where he was already dead, who had to call my parents, which was the worst single thing by far I've ever had to do.)

I have a friend who lost a sister suddenly, tragically a couple weeks ago, and she's said to me, "Please tell me this gets better." And it does, and I told her that, there will come a day where your heart isn't breaking every second.

What I don't tell her is that's only because I've figured out how not to think about it, for the most part. When that's not possible (eg anniversary days like today...my brother's birthday's pretty much a guaranteed trigger, too), the intensity of it still is just purely awful, close to unsurvivable (I know I sound melodramatic, but it's the truth), and the truth is I don't know how people survive this. But people do...

Enough. I have to stay OK for this baby inside me. So I want to talk about some things that are good:

1. Last night after crying, I went and sat with my babies, they were asleep, I sat beside their cribs in the dark, reached through the slats and put a hand on their heads...that did make me feel better, truly
2. Such great beta numbers for the little baby inside of me! (Whom we've been calling "Freezy-pants," or "Freezy" for short since we started talking about using one of our frozen embryos to have one more child). 161 8 days after a 5-day transfer, 456 two days later
3. FaceTime with my parents this morning, who are off on an adventure that yesterday involved a snowy Colorado 4WD pass in the middle of nowhere, no one else around, with possibly not enough gas to get them out (although they made it)
4. I'm having some real problems with the health care system in ABQ. One of the big things: For the fertility stuff, I've needed a couple ultrasounds to find out the thickness and pattern of my uterine lining. When I've gone for these ultrasounds the tech has insisted on spending 45 minutes looking at every conceivable thing related to my reproductive system, even though the order clearly states--and I've clearly told them--that that is not wanted or needed. I've been told they won't do anything unless they do the whole thing. Well, I just got an enormous bill for one of these sessions, and I called the hospital and explained to them, and they were VERY helpful and it seems like it is going to be resolved...was glad for the man helping me who seemed to agree that that shouldn't have happened...I was prepared for a battle...
5. Took the kids and met my husband for lunch today, so nice to be able to do that, especially on a day like today...

Hope you all are having a great day.

XOXO

Pregnancy Update

Still waiting for my climic to call to tell me about yesterday's pregnancy test (the next day? Really?) but the unofficial word is I'm pregnant. I am thrilled.
XO

Pregnancy Test...Today's the Day...

So today's the day...got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test an hour and a half ago.

Then went back to my car and bawled my eyes out.

I'm scared that I'm not pregnant, because I really don't think we can go through any more fertility treatments. 

And, I'm scared I AM pregnant, because what if another baby is too much? What if I've ruined everything?

Clearly, I am a crazy person.

The lab down here seems to take FOREVER to run tests...I don't expect to hear anything until the end of the day.

This whole thing sucks. I hate infertility so much.

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: 13 Months

Hi Hi Hi! 

Today Mommy said I could tell you all about our last month. It was our first month in Albuquerque, and we had so much fun, although I've overheard Mommy saying unpacking and setling in has been hard. But Daddy keeps her on schedule and things are pretty much put together. They got our swing up the very first day, so we're happy!

I have this thing about teddy bears lately. I've got four or five little ones, and any one will do. I grab them and hug them, laugh and smile. Mommy and Daddy always put me to bed with a Teddy and a Back-up Teddy, just like they put Luke to bed with a paci and a back-up paci.

Grammy and Grandpa were here with us the first few days...that was fun! Grammy has taught me how to blow kisses and what to do when she says "Zoey, can you look up at the ceiling?"

We're such big kids when it comes to eating now. We eat like crazy! One of our favorite things is cuties (you know, those little oranges), although Bubs just sucks the juice out and throws the rest on the floor...Daddy says he is a cutie vampire. We feed ourselfs (with what Mommy says is mixed results). If the meal's potentially going to be really messy, we strip down to our diapers first:

Bubs likes to put his foot up on the table and kick back sometimes:

And Easter happened during the past month! We put on the cool outfits Mommy's friend Jane gave to Mommy and Daddy at their baby shower. Mommy made waffles and Daddy made cheese and ham and green chile grits for breakfast (which Mommy said were actually pretty good...Mommy doesn't usually like grits.) AND we each got a chocolate bunny! All I can say is, yum! Mommy watched me take my first few bites and said "A chocoholic is born," whatever that means. (Oh and Mommy wants me to tell yu we only got a few bites of bunny in one sitting, not the whole thing.)

So that's it! We are so excited for warmer weather and to get outside and to explore our city and play on the weekends now that Mommy and Daddy don't have to spend all their time unpacking.

Love,

Zoey

Cool Stuff on the Intranet

I leisurely poked around the Internet yesteday while on bed rest, something I almost never do anymore. (So fun!) A few things especially resonated with me...thought I'd share...

"Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

--Ida Scott Taylor (via Creature Comforts)

"Let the day know more

than you. Say it is raining.

Say there is a tree. Though it does

not keep you dry, there is a swing

hidden in the branches within reach.

Swing. Though you are drenched,

my god, it is fine to swing."

--Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer (via A Hundred Falling Veils)

And this clothing line...oh, I want to fill my closet full of these clothes (and the accompanying photos are so dreamy and pretty): Sundry Clothing (via Tomboy Style)

And these pictures of San Francisco...1) They me soooooo homesick for California, and 2) Make me wish I could take pictures like this. Make me want to devote time to learning how to take pictures that rival these... (via sfgirlbybay)

XOXO

Image Credit: Sundry Clothing.

FET Update, + Feeling Some Sadness and Anger About Infertility

Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!

At my brother's in the Colorado mountains, in the house where I grew up, on bed rest after my FET. Flew into Denver Monday night in the middle of a massive snowstorm, my brother came to pick me up which I was so grateful for...I was going to rent a car because I didn't want to impose more than I already was but he and his lovely girlfriend insisted that it was no big deal to take me to/from the airport and I'm so glad they did because a cheap rental car + a foot of snow probably wouldn't have been a very good idea.

Monday night I-70 to get out of town and into the mountains was a parking lot, and i had to have a progesterone shot (intramuscular, in the fanny), so we pulled over at I-70 and Pecos, which is not the best part of town, I pulled my pants down a little and my brother gave me the shot in the 7-11 parking lot...went off without a hitch but yeah, imagine trying to explain that to the police...

FET went wonderfully, they said the one embryo thawed perfectly and the transfer itself was quick and smooth. I slept a good chunk of yesterday so didn't sleep so well last night, it's snowing again here and just beautiful, the whole world is like a black-and-white photo outside...will be lovely to have a day to just relax although bed rest is kind of physically uncomfortable (why is it when you're told you can't sleep on your stomach that that's absolutely all you want to do?). I have some pineapple and cheese and crackers for snacks and I'm sure Ben and his girlfriend will make me a lovely dinner tonight, like they did yesterday. So great to be with my brother. So hard not to be living in the same place as him but we all make the effort to visit each other so it's going to be OK. Feeing so incredibly homesick for Colorado being back here, though.

Anyway, I find out on the 25th--a week from tomorrow--if I am pregnant or not. I (obviously) hope so so so so incredibly much that this FET works. If not, we may try once more, we may not...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Going through fertility procedures again has been extraordinarily difficult, mostly because I feel like I have to totally give up who I am, I don't feel like myself at all--between being on all these drugs, not being able to exercise, gaining weight and not being able to wear a lot of my clothes, dying my hair back to its natural dark color because I'm not comfortable doing highlights during pregnancy, not getting a mani/pedi because I'm suspicious of nail polish, too, not being able to go out on a Saturday night and have a beer or two with my husband--all that's hard. I feel frumpy and housebound. Totally worth it if this ends up with us having a baby. But the odds I've been given are 50/50 and it's hard to think I've potentially gone through all this/put my body through all this for nothing. Not sure I have it in me to do it again. If I could get pregnant naturally there's no question in my mind about us having a third child, but this is my SIXTH IVF procedure and it's just so, so hard to go through this, I had forgotten how hard.

Going through fertility procedures again--it's also brought to the forefront some of the anger and sadness of having to go through this at all, and the loss that not getting to just get pregnant and have babies like everyone else is for me. I am both unspeakably grateful for what has allowed us to have children, and sad and angry about what risks I've had to put my body through, all the money this has cost (and all the insane hours I've worked to pay for it), the years and years of incredible sadness I've lived through...everyone wants me to just be positive...I'm supposed to be positive and look at the gifts this all has given me, right? But instead I'm sad and mad, and I want it to be OK to be sad and mad, and not have everyone tell me I should be grateful, I should buck up and focus on the bright side of things. 

One step, one day at a time, though. Nothing to be done these next eight days but rest and see how things turn out. We can make decisions about possibly trying again (or not) after. 

I've been putting my hand on my belly, talking to this precious baby inside of me that already feels so real...we're (my husband and I) scared a little to have a third, I mean, will we have the time and energy and resources to make it work? But I know we will. I know it will be lovely and amazing and we won't be able to imagine life without this baby. That will make this whole fertility thing worth it. That's what I have to remind myself. I'm not going through all this for nothing. I'm going through it for another baby. Or, if that doesn't happen, to be able to look back and say, at least we tried...it wasn't meant to be, but at least we tried...

XOXO

Dear Luke and Zoey: Moving Day

Dear Luke and Zoey,

We moved to our new home in Albuquerque middle of March, on your first birthday, in fact.

It was a beautiful warm sunny day and we had tons of help, with professional movers and Grammy and Grandpa and Grandma Charlotte (your grandmas helped watch you and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned for us...the house was, unfortunately, filthy when we got it). Your Grandpa Steve got us a flag to hang out front...such a nice gift...and made sure the dogs got out and exercised. We had some new-to-us furniture delivered (including the blue velvet couch below, isn't it cool?), cable hooked up, all the normal moving things.

Moving is hard! It's almost a month later and we're still not quite done (although all the boxes are emptied at this point). This house will definitely be an ongoing project due to time and money restraints, we're going to be paying for things as we go. But we have such great plans for this house, and I love that your first memories will most likely be here.

Love,

Your Mommy

Dear Zoey and Luke: Your First Birthday

Dear Zoey and Luke,

You turned one on March 15th. In some ways, it's hard to believe your first year is behind us, also it was all such a blur, also we really treasured every moment, spent lots of time together as a family, got so much joy out of those 365 days, I don't feel like a second was wasted.

We were in the middle of moving to our new home in Albuquerque on your birthday, so we tried to keep things simple. 

Your dad and I had a late night putting together your new climbing/sliding toy (your dad did all the work, I just handed him tools)...it was so fun to get you up the next morning and watch you rush into the empty living room to discover it:

There was lots of unloading of boxes/furniture morning and mid-day, but mid-afternoon we took a break and went outside for you to open presents. You were so excited to see presents!

Grammy and Grandpa were here from Colorado, and Grandma Charlotte who is moving in with us. You got trucks and dolls and LOVED your gifts! (And a play cell phone, which you can't get enough of. You already know exactly how to hold it up to your ear, it's hilarious.)

I wanted to get a picture of the two of you together, and you briefly humored me:

And then: cake! You each got a cupcake, Zo yours was pink because you are such a girly girl, and Luke yours was lemon because you have this thing about lemons. Cupcakes went pretty much as expected, including the need to hose off the whole patio in the end:

Luke, you got sick the evening of your birthday, poor thing, we ended up in urgent care after you threw up over and over, but it wasn't anything serious.

We had such a lovely time. Next year, we'll be more settled and can do more, but really, what more could a kid ask for other than your favorite people, a few toys, a cupcake, and lots and lots and lots of love.

Happy Brithday my sweets! We loved sharing it with you so very, very much.

Love,

Mommy

Grace in Small Things (And an FET Update): April 5, 2013

1. My husband's organizing the garage this evening, and instead of having me help he gave me one of those fire logs he found on a shelf in there and told me to go try out our new fireplace and relax. Ahhh...lovely to do just that. Can I tell you how much I LOVE having a fireplace? The warmth of a fire is just the best thing ever.

2. So hard living in a new place and doing an FET. I had to get an ultrasound and blood work today and instead of Colorado where everyone knows me and everything take half an hour max start to finish, I'm going to an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. The guy who did my blood draw, it took him literally half an hour to get my paperwork together, I was getting so antsy, but then he drew my blood perfectly the first time...I have terrible veins so that is an accomplishment, AND it didn't even hurt. I am definitely asking for him next time I go back. And my ultrasound, I just need information on my lining for the fertility clinic, but they spent half an hour looking at every possible thing that could be looked at. Sigh. But the good news is my lining is developing great...so great they actually want to push my transfer up a few days...which is awesome but also somewhat of a logistical nightmare...I had it all figured out who is going to watch the kids, who is going to take care of me, I had a plane ticket and days scheduled off work and now I've got to start from scratch, but it's OK, my body is responding, I have a good chance of being pregnant again (so soon! It's crazy!), that's all that matter...logistics...I am good at logistics...

3. Beautiful spring weather (70s) down here, I am loving it. And I spent some time today going through the kids' clothes and packing away everything that no longer fits them/is designed for snowy winters, which was a lot. Now I know what I need to get for summer...and shopping for kids clothes is so fun (we do a lot of it second-hand...you can find such amazing things...)

4. Bright peacock blue bedside table lamps are new in our bedroom today...I am loving the color...

5. The kids "helped" me make spaghetti sauce this morning (for the crock pot) and ate it like crazy for dinner tonight. What a mess...but at the same time, they were so incredibly cute with sauce all over their faces...and they ate well which isn't a given these days...they have been cranky all week since they got SIX shots each on Monday...ugh...but still, the best babies ever...

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week!

XOXO

Zoey's Diary: Road Trip!

Hi Hi Hi!

Today Mommy said I could tell you about our road trip--you know, the one we took when we left Colorado and moved to New Mexico.

We did it in two days so the drive would be easy, even though it was only 7 hours total. We left about 10 in the morning and took the scenic route to Moab, had burgurs and fries at Milts (which Mommy says has the best burgurs ever), spent the night in Farmington, NM at the Economy Inn on main street (not the nicest Mommy said, but at least it had some character...you should have seen the cool light fixtures in the room) and had dinner at Three Rivers Brewery (Bubs and I had lots of avocado, yum).

The next day Mommy barely took any pictures, she was so anxious to get there...except she did get the great shots below of me and Bubs reunited with our Daddy in front of our new house. We are sooooooo happy to be back with our Daddy! The scenery was beautiful that second day, though, especially the Jemez Mountains, which are not too far from where we are living...Mommy says this summer we can go explore and maybe even go camping there.

Oh, and Grammy did the whole trip with us, even sitting in the back with us some when we got fussy (and reading us the new books she got us for the trip). Soooooooo fun to have her with us. We love our Grammy! We miss her!

Mommy says we are great little road trippers. We can't wait to go out on our next adventure!

Love, Zoey.

 

Luke's Diary: 12 Months

Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!

I'm a little late with this (because Mommy can't seem to get organized), but I'm FINALLY here to tell you about our last month!

The month before we turned one, we spent with Grammy and Grandpa and Mommy in Colorado, while Daddy was starting his new job in Albuquerque. There are so few pictures of us with Grammy and Grandpa, though! Mommy says she'll make sure that doesn't happen again when we get together to visit.

 

It was still cold, but we spent time outside a lot of days. One of the funnest things was riding around in buckets with Mommy or Grammy pulling us:

We spent a lot of time in Grammy garden too. It's beautiful, even in the winter:

Mommy always says to me and Sissy on days like today: "Babies, you are EXTRA cute today!"

It was fun playing inside, too. Mommy had taking care of the two of us down. And Grammy and Grandpa helped her a TON!

We started brushing our teeth this month:

One of our favorite things was to climb into a little cupboard space Grammy made for us...so fun!

We have tons of fun together, Sissy and I. One of our big things is to be "Bubs-a-sarous" or "Sissy-a-sarous", which means Mommy says, "Hey Bubs, want to be Bubs-a-sarous?" and then she picks me up and helps me lunge towards Sissy and goes "Rawr!" really loud like I'm a dinosaur. It makes me and Sissy laugh and laugh!

Grammy's been teaching us animal sounds. She'll say, "Sissy, what does a cow say?" and Sissy says "oooooo!" and everyone gets excited. She can also do a dog: "ar ar!"

More outside time:

And pushing a chair around the kitchen...that was fun...

I never wanted to eat unless I had my foot hooked just so...

And I have this total THING about lemons. All I have to say is, YUM.

And I'm climbing like crazy. Mommy's friend Sandy says both me and Sissy are going to be excellent rock climbers! (PS you can't see it, but my climbing was supervised here...always, always supervised...)

And, Mommy let us help her make veggie enchiladas one day. We loved helping her cook.

Wrangling two kids at bath/PJ time was kind of challenging. We're kicking and splashing in the bath some nights like crazy! Mommy would bring us into her room after the bath and we'd chase each other before she could catch us to diaper us...we made Mommy laugh so hard!

Oh, and Zo started walking this month! And I took a few steps, too!

And somersaults...somersaults are another big thing. We'll get in summersault position ("Head down, butt up," Mommy will say), and then someone helps us flip over...it's so fun.

We turned one in Albuquerque on March 15...Sissy'll tell you about that later in the week. We loved our month at Grammy and Grandpa's! Mommy says if we feel half as loved and taken care of by her and Daddy as she does by her parents, we'll be lucky kids.

Bye!

Love,

Luke

Hi!

Hey Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Wow, I miss blogging (and reading blogs)...looking forward to being able to work it regularly into my days again! For now, a little stream-of-conscious sharing...

All's well down here in ABQ. Slowly getting unpacked...finally got around to unpacking most of my office today...it's not done, but it's starting to feel like mine vs a messy room with tons of boxes stacked everywhere. Amazing what some books on bookshelves will do! 

My mother-in-law is gone for the week in Vegas, so it's just me around here from 6:30 AM to 5 PM...love having the kids all day...I work like mad during their naps and then my husband takes over when he gets home so I can finish the work I need to finish. This isn't really tenable long-term, but it's been fun having so much time with the kids.  

On an unrelated note, I think I found a housecleaner, which is going to really help with my feeling that everything's kind of out of control around here.

And the FET...it's going well, but I have to say it's kind of lonely on the internet doing fertility procedures when you already have kids. It's true the stakes aren't as high as they are for those who don't yet have kids...I feel like everything's going to be great whether this works out or not...but still, taking all these drugs is hard and being in limbo is hard and not being able to do stuff is hard (no tea in the mornings, glass of wine in the evenings, no hot yoga or hiking as of Saturday when I start the patches...nothing that makes you sweat. No baths either which I'm particularly sad about.) Also, I feel like I JUST got back into shape from my pregnancy, back to the point where everything fit and I felt like I looked good...and I've already gained weight with the fertility drugs, but trying not to stress about it because I know I'll lose it no problem when the time is right.

Changing the subject again...my husband has a 3-day weekend starting tomorrow and I feel like we are going to be able to do so much to make this house feel like our home. I'm really loving our house, and what I've experienced of this city so far, which honestly isn't much between twins and unpacking and working. Can't wait for that first weekend where we can just have fun! It's been a long time since I've had a weekend like that.

I'm going to do a lot of picture posts next week (time in Colorado with my mom and dad, our trip down here, moving in, the kid's first birthday), and then I'll be feeling caught up in this space too, which will be great. That's kind of what I feel like I'm trying to do everywhere right now...get caught up and organized and settled. But the end is in sight! :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

XOXO 

Overwhelmed (Plus Taking a Little Break)

Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!

Feeling seriously overwhelmed over here. Isn't moving supposed to be one of the most stressful things ever? It's not just me, right? My dogs are doing weird stuff (ie peeing on the white carpet), my babies are doing weird stuff (ie not sleeping on schedule like they normally do, getting sick, screaming with teething pain, poor Luke), I am on these awful fertility drugs (Lupron, I hate you), my husband wants to get unpacked and organized as fast as possible, which I appreciate and love about him, but can't we just order pizza and lay on the couch and watch TV tonight, please? I am exhausted. Plus, one week off work...not enough.

Anyway, there are a lot of really good things happening around here too, of course...my babies are the cutest things ever, I love being back with my husband, my mother-in-law is helping hugely, I love our new home, I went on the most amazing hike yesterday and felt so much better about everything (must make more time to do stuff like that).

And, in an effort to keep my sanity, I'm going to take a little break from this space, probably a week plus or minus while I get things to a bit more normalcy, you know?

I thought this move would be easier...

And an FET at the same time...don't do it...

XOXO 

Last Week, in Bullet Format

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Sorry to be totally MIA last week...don't know why I thought I could blog...such a crazy week and it went by so fast! I have a million pictures and stories etc. to share but for now a birthday shot and some bullets:

• Gorgeous drive with my mom and the kids from Colorado to ABQ, with an overnight in Farmington, NM
• Got access to the house a day early (Wednesday), which was great
• The house was absolutely filthy
• All our stuff arrived Friday...we are about half unpacked
• Kids had a great birthday Friday, too, although Luke got very sick and ended up in urgent care Friday night (he's fine now)
• My dad found a GORGEOUS place to go hiking with the dogs...excited about that
• So glad to be reunited with my husband!
• I am over-the-top emotional with this FET going on and all the artificial hormones etc...I hate this process...I cry every day for no reason
• I already miss my parents terribly...it's hard
• I haven't slept much at all for a week

So, good and bad, you know? That's life...

More later in the week...

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, March 7, 2013

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

A few things that are good in my world:

1. A little field trip with the kids to see baby chicks at the local co-op (it's pretty agricultural around here). And their first pizza after, which they loved. (I sent the last picture below to their dad, who called me and said, "Stop doing fun things with the twins without me." It's been brutal for him being away from them for so long.)

2. Our upcoming FET...completely paid for by insurance (except for a small deductible). I can't tell you how incredibly fortunate I feel. Everything we've done up to this point we've paid for 100%. I love my husband's new job.

3. Raining today...love the smell of rain...

4. A cup of hot tea and all cozy inside, dogs napping at my feet...

5. And...we are leaving Monday to officially move to Albuquerque! So excited! My mom and I are driving down, taking two days to make the trip easy on the kids. Close on the house Wednesday, get the keys Thursday, movers come Friday (and it's the kids' first birthday Friday, too). 

Hope everyone has a great weekend! Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

20 Questions

Note: This post is written as part of PAIL's "20 Questions" request...I'll update with a link to the other participants once it becomes available...

1. What was the last thing you threw in the garbage?

A Lipton tea bag. I drink 2 cups every morning.

2. What's the #1 most played song on your iPOD?

Actually, this is a funny story. When I was living with my brother Luke before he died, he used to get ahold of my phone and as a joke change the ringtone to Michael Jackson's "Beat It" all the time (not sure why that song, he didn't even like Michael Jackson), and then I'd be traveling for work and my phone would ring and I'd be embarrassed...so unprofessional.

And then one day I realized he'd downloaded "Beat It" onto my iPod and he must have spent all night one night pressing play over and over because it was the #1 most played song by a WIDE margin.

Because he's no longer alive, little memories/reminders like this are so precious...glad I got to think about this this morning...

3. What is your favorite quote?

One of my favorites, because it talks to the simple magic that so many of my days these days are made of:

"It's not every day that the world arranges itself into a poem." --Wallace Stevens

4. What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

Weeding. Followed by putting away the laundry.

5. What is your favorite form of exercise?

Used to be surfing for many years, now I want to say snowboarding...I used to have a season pass and go all the time, but since I've had kids I haven't been able to get it together to go, which is OK, I'll snowboard again. What I actually do these days is hiking and hot yoga.

6. What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

I love the light in the evening, just before the sun goes down. And Fall is my favorite time of year, especially in Colorado.

7. What is on your bedside table?

Stacks and stacks of magazines (mostly New Yorkers and Poetry, the occasional Vogue), much to my husband's chagrin.

8. What is your favorite body part?

On me? I used to love that I had a flat, flat stomach...but not so much since having twins. 

9. Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.

Good for sure...I have a hard time being evil. I'm waaaaaay too nice, which is not necessarily a good thing...

10. If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would that be?

Whatever age involves having little kids all around me...this time is so happy and precious...so afraid of it passing...

11. What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

Buy a slopeside condo in Crested Butte, CO, a cottage on the beach at Rincon (Santa Barbara, CA area), a bungalow in Seattle. Then spend my time traveling amongst the three.

12. What is your biggest pet peeve?

People who do crappy/sloppy work.

13. If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?

How do you survive tragedy and keep yourself intact? I feel like I've barely made it through things life has already thrown at me, and it's inevitable that there's more to come.

14. At what age did you become an adult?

Late 30s.

15. Recommend a book, movie, or television show in 3 sentences.

One of my favorite books ever is called "Holy Land" by D.J. Waldie. It's tiny little essays about a tract home development in Southern California, which sounds so boring but the writing is absolutely brilliant and so incredibly its own. My deepest wish is to write something as cool as this book.

16. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

Pretty much nothing (see #9 above). I did bite my brother in the bathtub when I was a little kid, and then said to my mom, "But Mommy! I didn't bite him! I had my mouth open and he fell on my teeth!"

17. What was the first album you bought with your own money?

I can't remember. I'd like to think it was some cool grunge band like Nirvana, but it was probably some horribly shallow and vapid '80s pop thing.

18. If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?

I've written a book about me (more specifically, about my time in Santa Barbara), and I can't come up with a title. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know...

19. What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?

See #16, above. I've actually recently told my mom that she only gets to bring this incident up 5 more times, so ration wisely. :)

20. True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.

I'm actually partial to the mermaid, given my love of the sea...

XOXO

Photography 101: What Do You Like/What Are You Trying to Do? Edition

Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!

So, a confession: I've been thinking a lot about photography, reading and doing some things outside my comfort zone, but have been hesitant to write about it here for some reason...maybe because I am so not an expert and who am I to talk about this stuff, you know? But that was kind of the point, to let you guys follow along with what I was learning. So today I'm going to dive right in....kind of stream-of-consciousness but these are the things that have been on my mind and I think where I need to start.

Something I've been thinking about a lot as far as photography is, what are my preferences? What really got me thinking about it was this post (great advice on photographing kids, which I've linked to before), which advises iPhone photography over DSLR, because with an iPhone you're always there in the moment, which isn't true with a bigger camera. And I totally see that and I really admire this woman as a photographer, but me personally I don't like my iPhone pictures as much as my DSLR pictures.

So I got to thinking, what else do I like and not like? The pictures I take that I really gravitate towards, what do they have in common? For me (and I'm not suggesting anyone else's list should look like this, just that it's probably valuable to think through your own list). Anyway, for me, the pictures I take that I like best have the following things in common:

• They are taken with my DSLR
• They are outside, in natural light
• Evening light is by far the best
• They are closely cropped
• The background is carefully considered
• And, in iPhoto (post-production), I tend to overexpose the pictures a little, and increase the contrast, and the saturation

Looking at this list is really helpful for me, before I even start doing new things with my camera I know where my preferences lie and that I should probably honor/highlight these preferences...I know if I take pictures at night, for example, I'm most likely not going to like them (although sometimes there are picture-worthy moments at night, or with less-than-ideal backgrounds, etc., and you just have to do your best).

Also and changing the subject a little, I think it was Van Gogh that said something along the lines of he and his friends weren't painting the world according to how it looked, they were trying to reproduce how it feels...and that's what I'm trying to do with my pictures, too...I know that's why I personally care so much about the light...I'm trying to recreate how I experience the world, what it feels like to me, always trying to stop time and remember, know what these days and months and years feel like, this time which people tell me will be the happiest of my life...

How about you guys? Are there commonalities to the pictures you take that you really like? Are you trying to recreate things accurately or capture how things feel? Curious to hear...

XOXO

FET, Buying a House, Moving, the Twins' First Birthday...Yeah, There's a Lot Going On...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

Had a nice weekend in Albuquerque with my husband...headed home tomorrow...I miss the kids soooooooo much, but it's hard to complain when my husband has been separated from them so much longer than just my few days.

We've had so much fun together, though, my husband and I...nothing crazy just going to the movies (we saw Warm Bodies...too cute), out for dinners, to a few of the local breweries and we've gotten ready for the twins' birthday (which is next week, OMG), and purchased a few items for the house from local antique stores, we've gotten some really great deals.

And...we really are going to be going ahead with the FET we've been talking about...we've been pretty sure but now it's actually happening...got all the papers notarized Friday and I have a call into the nurse to get my meds and calendar set up.  And it's possible our new insurance is going to pay for all or part of the procedure...that would be so amazing...we've paid for everything up to this point and to have some insurance coverage would be a huge deal...

I need to figure out the doctor situation in ABQ too so I know where to go to get my blood drawn etc...going to try and do that today. We're moving down next week, close a week from Wednesday, will be in the house for Luke and Zoey's birthday...everything's coming together but also happening so fast. Deep breath...it's all going to be good...

XOXO