Truth in Blogging
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
Today I wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind of late, mostly because as I come out of the fog of the first few months of motherhood, I've been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be moving forward.
From the beginning, this blog was meant as a fun, creative project for me. What it was about initially was my struggles getting over the death of my brother, and, even more so, my last few rounds of IVF and the last loss (late miscarriage) that we suffered in relation to that.
And then the pregnancy that didn't end in disaster! Yay! And the twins...the incredible twins that have brought so much joy to our lives. And so these days, this is very much a parenting blog, and that's where I want this blog to go (for the time being, at least).
One of the things that popped into my head last week while thinking about this is that famous Tolstoy quote, about (and I'm paraphrasing) every happy family being the same, but every unhappy family being unhappy in its own way.
I was thinking about that because ours is such a happy family, and that's what I want this blog to be about. And I disagree that every happy family is the same. I think they are all different, and for me the key to making it thought this life with all its trials and tribulations is to focus on what is happy--the unique, specific things that bring happiness--especially when times are good, which they are right now.
OK.
That said, there is a flip side.
Of course my life's not perfect...no one's is. And I'm afraid that people reading my blog will think that it is these days, because I don't talk about the bad stuff very often anymore. A lot of that is because there isn't that much bad stuff. And also, I am making a conscious choice to focus on the good.
But is that dishonest?
I'm going to say no...my space, my rules, and I'm not making my life out to be something that it's not. I really just don't want to focus on the negative. But there ARE things that happen and things that I worry about that I don't usually bring up. For instance:
- My husband and I fight sometimes. We always make up, but still, it happens
- I still miss my brother terribly sometimes
- I still fell totally traumatized by what we went through to have children, although for the most part I'm just trying not to think about it. (Same with my brother. I'm not sure how healthy a coping strategy this is, but it's what I've got)
- Sometimes I'm scared of moving (which is probably what's going to happen once my husband accepts a job). Actually, I'm excited for my husband to get an amazing job, and I'm excited to go with him somewhere new. It's just that I'm going to miss my parents. And it's going to be fine because we're all committed to visiting, there's phone calls and Skype and email and etc, etc. I'm just a little afraid of the unknown...
- I'm still scared that something is going to happen to the twins. The horrible anxiety I had right after they were born is gone, thank goodness. But still, I worry
- And I have regrets about the past...the far past...things I can't do anything about...
- And work can be...I mean, I'm really grateful of the fact--and proud of the fact--that I can support my family if need be (like in this interim place between my husband finishing school and finding a good job). Still, sometimes work...there can be stress and angst
- I shouldn't worry about money, because we're doing fine, but sometimes I do
- Etc...
Here's why I don't want to write about these things that often. Not because I'm embarrassed about any of them, or that I want people to think my life is better than it is. But because the things that go on, the things I worry about...for the most part they don't change. And I don't want to be a broken record, over and over with the small things that are at times not so great.
This isn't a diary. This isn't a confessional tell-all, and I'm not pretending it is. This is just a space where I (for the most part) want to record all that is joyous in my life, and there is so, so much of that.
But I promise, on occasion, to spill the beans on the bad stuff.
Because that's part of it, too.
Just not the part I want to focus on, and I hope that that's OK.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this...
XOXO
Good to Do the Things That Bring You Pleasure...
So even though we're probably moving (although not sure when or where...I'm doing pretty well overall with that uncertainty), I've decided we should make a little bit of effort to make things nice in our yard. So easy with infant twins and not knowing what the future holds just to blow it off. But my mother-in-law is here this week, and this morning she helped me weed, and I planted some flowers for our back patio, swept the winter leaves and dirt up, washed the cushions and generally made it so we can be outside and enjoy it. And I'm so glad I did. We may be here all summer, and there's no reason to deprive ourselves of outdoor pleasures, right?
By the way, my husband's job hunt is going well...he's on his second and third interviews, respectively, for jobs in L.A. and Virginia (the Virginia job involves a likely transfer at some point to Seattle).
And also, I have become obsessed with Instagram:
Hope everyone's having a lovely day. :)
XOXO
Henry James Says: "Feel"
Hi Everyone! Happy Thursday!
So I'm reading a book right now called Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi, and something I read last night has really stuck with me, mostly because I am always being accused of feeling too much, of being overly emotional about everything, taking on everyone's pain as my own. (My husband calls this personality trait "being fuzzy"...his nickname for me is "fuzz.")
I'm not very accepting of this (being so emotional and feeling everything so deeply), and the people closest to me aren't really generally very happy about it, either. I am a lot of times trying to fight it, but sometimes I think fighting it is wrong and what I REALLY need to be doing is accepting myself the way I am.
That's why it was so nice to read this passage in the book last night. The author (Nafisi) is quoting from a letter Henry James wrote to a friend whose husband had been killed in WWI. James says:
"I am incapable of telling you not to repine and rebel, because I have so, to my cost, the imagination of all things, and because I am incapable of telling you not to feel. Feel, feel, I say--feel for all you're worth, even if it half kills you, for that is the only way to live, especially to live at this terrible pressure, and the only way to honour and celebrate these admirable beings who are our pride and inspiration."
Nafisi adds: "In letters to friends, again and again he [James] urges them to feel. Feeling would stir up empathy and would remind them that life was worth living."
In other words, it's OK to be fuzzy. I'm not feeling bad about being fuzzy today...
XOXO
BTW, going to Denver early in the morning, so won't be posting again until Monday. Hope everyone has a great weekend! And congrats to all the newly born babies and confirmed pregnancies out there...there are a lot this week...so very happy for all of you!!!
XOXO
Things I'm Not Doing This Holiday (and Not Feeling Bad About)
- Strings and strings of white lights on our fence outside...so festive
- A Christmas tree...we alternate each year between a real one (love, love, love the smell) and a tinsely fake white one that's so tacky it's cool. Neither got put up this year
- Baking. In my dream life I am a fabulous baker like Bodega Bliss...in reality everything I make seems to come out kind of misshapen and ugly...tastes good, though, and I have fun making it. My husband calls it "baking with love" ("...with love" being our code phrase for something homemade that doesn't come out perfectly)
- Wrapping presents in some fancy creative way, like over here at Cretaure Comforts (loving the black-and-white cloth ribbon...)...instead this year it's easy (but still cute) store-bought paper and generic bows
- Would have loved to do more in the way of cards/little gifts/etc. for friends, but that's just not happening this year
- And would have liked to have used the Christmas plates and mugs I've had forever (like the ones here), but we never unpacked them
- And listened to Christmas music (this is my favorite album)
- And watched some Christmas movies (like Elf. And Love, Actually)
- A nice gift or two for everyone in my family
- Something homemade for both of my parents
- We're going over to my brother's up in the mountains so we can all spend the holiday together (and in snow...it's snowing right now...so excited!) So lots of time and love and attention given to the people I care about the most
- And I am staying calm, rested and relaxed for these babies, instead of running around frantically trying to make things perfect and ending up exhausted
"Youthful Wonder"
Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...
A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"
"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow."
Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?
All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...
Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)
Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?
I miss it...
XO
Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.
Why Is it So Hard for Me to Be OK With My Flaws?
Hi Everyone!
First off, those of you who have been getting my blog via a reader...it seems everyone got kicked off in the past week or so, so please resubscribe if you'd like to keep reading. Thanks and sorry for the hassle! :)
So, I was reading an essay today, out of Charles Baxter's book "Burning Down the House: Essays on Fiction," and came across the following (the writer is talking about how at funerals everyone just says good stuff about the person who has died):
"My problem was that I hadn't known the deceased well enough to know his failings--those features by which I might have identified with him--and the litany of praise only managed to distance him from me. I wanted a recital of his failures and oddities..."
He also wrote: "You don't cry at a funeral unless you have had the time to know the person who has died and to know that person in success as well as failure."
This is something I think about sometimes. I love people for their flaws...their "oddities and failures"...to me it's what makes them interesting and quirky and human. Someone who looks and acts like they have the perfect life, I either barely know them or they are so foreign to me...I have so many flaws, I need other flawed (read: real) people to relate to, you know?
I am so open to and accepting of flaws in other people. But in myself? Not so much. In myself, I feel like flaws are something to be irradiated, hated, riled and fought against. I am not at all accepting of them, and I have lots. What comes to mind today:
- So emotional
- And sooooooooo sentimental, I get attached to/miss people and places and things with so much intensity, it is not healthy
- And I work too much
- And wish I was going to be a younger mother, but there's nothing to be done about that. Actually, I wish my body hadn't failed me so miserably in the reproductive department...that's what this one comes down to...
- I wish I could cook better...my husband is a great cook and essentially thinks I suck at it (although he does let me assist him)...which doesn't go along with my dreams of being the perfect housewife but oh, well
- My best friend dresses so much cuter than me
- I am not as good/strong/fast/risk-taking of a surfer/snowboarder as I want to be (although I AM pretty good [or used to be]...there's just always someone better than me)
- I don't really pursue my professional dreams, instead just stick with what's safe/easy
- I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons and what a disaster that turned out to be. Plus I wish I'd never been divorced
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
I don't know if it's just human nature to fight against your flaws. But a lot of what I hate are things I can't change. Some things I can change and maybe I can/should work on them. But I'm always going to have flaws.
I guess the question is how to embrace those flaws and be OK with them, you know? I am who I am, and I know there is a lot of good in me too, as there is in all my friends, whose flaws I love as they are what makes them human--what helps me, as Charles Baxter says, identify with them.
To go off on a slightly different tangent, I think this is what's behind why I love blogs so much...you get to meet people, flaws and all, whereas IRL everyone is generally just putting their best face forward...
What do you all think? How do you come to a place where you are OK with the parts of yourself that aren't so great?
XOXO
Grace in Small Things: August 28, 2011
Hi Everyone!
I know I don't usually blog on the weekends, but I've been thinking a lot about some things, and wanted to get started on something new (which I'll be describing below).
Here's the deal: I've been trying to be somewhat cheerful around here--or at least balance out all the negative stuff that's running through my brain--but the truth is, between:
1) Morning sickness pretty much 24/7, and
2) Being terrified of miscarriage (this fear is growing so strong as I approach the time when things went wrong with my last pregnancy), and
3) (To a far lesser extent) not feeling like myself at all...feeling kind of bummed about the fact I can't be outdoor adrenaline girl for a while, and I just feel fat and out of shape (but don't yet look pregnant)...and I can't travel...all totally fine for the sake of healthy babies, but it doesn't change the fact that this process is stripping away so many parts of me and I'm finding that a little hard to deal with...
Anyway, each day I've been slipping a little bit deeper into a funk. And I need to do something about it.
Bottom line, I don't want to go all Pollyanna and sugarcoat everything and run around here saying: "Life is great! Everything is happy and perfect and blissful!" I still want to do posts on whatever I'm struggling with/rejoycing over. But I do want to try and focus more on all the good in my life...I NEED to focus more on all the good in my life, because I shouldn't be feeling so terrible. I mean, I'm pregnant! And right now, there's no reason to think anything's wrong! And I won't feel so sick and be so restricted forever! (And besides, it's for SUCH a good cause.)
I've been thinking about something Sprogblogger used to do on her blog. The idea originally came from Schmutzi, and it's called "Grace in Small Things." Essentially, you list five things--small things--each day that you're grateful for.
So without further ado:
1. My husband, and how handy he is. We had a water pipe burst in our rose garden last week, and he fixed it yesterday, no problem (with me sitting beside him handing him tools)
2. My parents bringing me food so I don't have to cook. Fresh sweet corn from my dad this week. Ratatouille and split pea soup from my mom
3. A hike this morning (and I use that term loosely)...on a flat trail called "Kid's Meal," but still nice to get outdoors, breath in some fresh air, let the dogs run around and play
4. A newly purchased Bella Band and maternity tank top. This past week all of a sudden not a lot of my clothes are comfortable anymore....my waistbands dig in, my tank tops ride up. I can't believe how comfortable I am all of a sudden. This alone is going to make me happier...
5. My husband started his final year of college last week (he was in the Navy for eight years, returned to school on the GI Bill) and study sessions started today at our house. Since I need to get out of the way while these are going on, I've decided to use that time to work on the book that I'm trying to get a solid draft of done before the babies come. Today was my first day to sit down and work on it...felt so good
Hope everyone's been having a great weekend! Thanks, as always, for stopping by. :)
XOXO
House Rules
I came across these House Rules over the weekend, written and designed by Martina of My Mid-Centruy Modern Life just prior to the arrival of her little foster daughter. Love, love, love...hope you all enjoy, as well.
XO
A Prayer and a Mantra
How cute is this picture my 8-year-old next door neighbor made me? She's adorable, and sooooo girly. It's so fun spending time with her...
Hi Everyone!
Wanted to share with you today two things that keep going through my head, especially during sleepless nights (I have a pretty big problem with insomnia...often assuaged by a hot bath and/or Tylenol PM, neither of which I'm allowed at the moment...sigh...)
I'm not really very religious, but the first is a prayer I keep repeating over and over and over:
"God, please take care of me."
I talked with my dad about this the other day...he knows about this kind of thing...and he said that's a good prayer, vs asking for specific outcomes. It's helped me to feel better and continues to do so, with the stress that's still acommpanying this/these baby/ies...I'm actually pretty relaxed and positive at the moment, but I know all too well how things can go wrong...
The other thing I keep repeating to myself, kind of like a mantra, is something I read on the Happiness Project blog recently, and that is:
"Choose the Bigger Life,"
which to me means when deciding what to do/focus energy on, try to choose the things that will expand your existence.
Trying to have children (vs giving up on the hugely painful process that has been trying to get to a place with an actual live baby), for example, is choosing the bigger life.
So is making time to write (vs setting it aside which is so tempting when my days are busy, which is pretty much always).
So is dreaming big about what my husband and I really want to do next spring when he graduates from college (vs settling for what's safe and easy).
Anyway, those are some of the positive thoughts going through my brain these days (and let's focus on that for now, rather than the negative/scared things I'm thinking, shall we)?
Hope everyone has a fabulous Wednesday!
XO
Finding Beauty in Imperfection
So the circus was in town this past weekend, and we went Saturday night. I live in a small town, so it was a small-town circus. Here's what struck me:
The performers, they tried hard, but there were lots of mistakes. The tiger show, for example, where the tiger tamer tried to get six tigers to lie down in a row, he had to do it twice because the smallest of the white tigers was being ornery and jumped up and disturbed all the others. And the trapeze artists--men in white body suits with red streamers coming off them--one tried to do a triple somersault and have another one catch him...tried three times and never got it.
I don't think you see mistakes in big-name circuses. But here's the thing. The fairgrounds where the circus was held were absolutely packed. And how many kids had such a happy, magical night that night? And the crowd was totally with the performers...when someone would mess up a trick and then try again and make it, the crowd was so happy for them...probably got more enjoyment out of it than if the performer had done the trick right the first time. And all the performers--they're in the circus. They're making people happy. Living their dream. Who cares if their acts aren't flawless?
There's so much in our culture that tells you you have to strive to be the best and if you're not, you fall short, aren't really worth anything. My whole life has felt like striving and not ending up perfect. This whole fertility thing I'm going through right now is a perfect example, but just one of many.
I guess I have a soft spot for people, for acts, for circuses that aren't perfect, but still go out and engage in life, give it their all. There's something worthwhile in that, for sure.
XO
{Image credit: Sister 72.}
Getting Organized
Spent part of today helping my mom make wire tomato cages for her organic garden. All along one side is lined with lilac bushes in full bloom...love that smell...reminds me of my childhood...
Happy Thursday, Everyone!
The weather's finally turned warm here on the western edge of Colorado, my husband's done with school (well, his Junior year, anyway) next week, I've got a little break in my work schedule, and I'm starting to feel a bit physically and mentally recovered from the miscarriage I suffered close to a month ago. The upshot of all this? I'm feeling like getting organized and ready for what feels like a new beginning: a few months of fun and travel, nice weather to enjoy the outdoors, a different focus for my writing, a new try for a baby.
On tap for the next week or so:
- Yard work: Weeding, planting some vegetable seeds, putting flowers in all of our pots on the back patio, sweeping off the back patio and getting everything ready for a nice summer with lots of time outdoors...
- Closet: It looks like a tornado hit in there. My husband always says he can tell how I'm feeling by how messy my closet is. I'm feeling more like the happy-clean-closet girl these days, so I need to make that a physical reality
- Office: I work out of my house and for months and months have needed to a) clean old files off my laptop, b) go through my physical files and get rid of stuff I don't need/actually file them in my file cabinet (vs having them piled everywhere), c) clean out my supplies, keeping only what I really use/need
- Plans for Getting as Healthy as Possible: I want to put together a kind of roadmap for myself for the next few months between now and our FET (diet, exercise, stress-reduction, etc.). I'll be sharing here...
- Plans for Writing: Over the first part of this year, I've been pushing myself to finish up pieces of writing that I've started, and submit these for publication. This summer, I want to take a break from trying to publish and really focus on writing some new material. I hate the business side of writing...really looking forward to immersing myself in the fun, creative part of it...
- Travel/Fun: My husband and I want to have some fun and relax and be happy before gearing up for our next big fertility procedure. Will probably include a trip for just the two of us to some exotic locale. Yay! All sorts of plans should be getting put into place in the next week or two...
- A Few Little Treats: A few new throw cushions for the furniture on the back patio. A couple rocking chairs for our side patio, which is currently empty (I have this lovely vision of my husband and I sitting out there sipping iced tea and playing cribbage). A little footstool or two because my OB nurse told me it's not good for me to sit cross-legged or with my feet tucked under me, and yet I'm never comfortable sitting in a chair normally with my feet on the floor...
It's going to feel so good to get organized! Yay for looking ahead!
XO
A Lovely Quote I Came Across Yesterday
"Honor and shame from no condition rise; Act well your part, there all the honor lies."
--Alexander Pope, English poet, essayist, and satirist, via BIO SmartBrief
Is it Better to Keep the Negative to Yourself?
“In our marriage, it was our practice not to share anything that was upsetting, demoralizing, or tedious, unless it was unavoidable…for what is the purpose of sharing your misery with another person, except to make that person miserable too?”
--Joyce Carol Oates, in The New Yorker, December 13, 2010
I’ve been thinking about this statement since I read it about a month ago, and about the implications it has for my marriage.
I have historically tended to share everything--positive and negative--that goes on in my life. My husband, on the other hand, rarely brings up the negative. I’ve been playing around with keeping the negative to myself and you know what? It’s not as hard as I thought, and I think it might be very good for our marriage.
I’ve always thought, “What’s a husband for, if you can’t tell him your troubles? Then you have to tell them to someone else, and then you’re closer to that someone else, and that doesn’t make sense at all.”
But there’s a third option. Keep your troubles to yourself, at least some of the time. No one needs to hear all the time how sad I am about my husband’s dad dying, how scared I am that this IVF procedure won’t work, how thinking about my brother’s death can still practically stop me breathing, how I don’t really know what to do with my career, how sometimes I’m scared I’ll never figure out how to be really and truly happy again (I know it’s possible; I’ve been happy before).
My husband’s usually right about things. Maybe he’s right about this, too.
Astrological Advice Aimed Directly at Me
"The doom and gloom attitude must be replaced with optimism and new possibilites. It doesn't matter what didn't work in the past. What matters is the here and now. Take stock of where you are physically, emotionally and professionally and decide what you need to do to improve your outlook, attitude and future."
--Boston Globe, October 12, 2010 (my anniversary)