Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood
Hi Everyone! Happy Wednesday!
Soooooo excited about December's PAIL monthly theme post: "Balancing Life, Work and Parenthood." This is something I think about ALL THE TIME.
First, a little background for those who don't know me well--these are the things that demand my time:
- I have 9-month-old twins, and we are going to try and have one more baby within the next year
- I'm married and my marriage is very important to me
- I also work part time from home. I work in advertising, as a copywriter/creative director. I've been freelancing for the past 10 years, so the work-at-home thing is not new, although the part-time thing is
- I also write, both fiction and non-fiction, and that is really my passion
- And I love being outdoors...hiking, camping, snowboarding, etc... ("me time")
- And then, there is the normal, keep-life-running kind of stuff that everyone has to deal with (chores, dinner, housecleaning, etc.)
Why I Work
The first questions I'm always asking myself is, "Why do I work?" Right now, my husband is job hunting, so it's a necessity, but soon he'll be working and we could make it on his salary. And I would love to be a stay-at-home-mom...my work is enjoyable and I'm good at it, but I don't feel any great drive to do it, don't feel like I'm contributing anything great to the world. But...I make a pretty good hourly wage, and me working allows us to do things we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. Plus, my husband wants me to contribute some financially, and I respect that. And part-time feels pretty manageable, so that's the set-up we have, and I think it's working pretty well.
(My husband would also want me to add here that although I THINK I want to be a stay-at-home mom, that would involve cleaning the house and ironing, both of which I hate and am terrible at.)
How I (Try to) Make it All Work
The second thing I'm always asking myself is, "Is this working?" I'm always wondering if I'm doing a good job juggling everything. Overall, I think the answer to that question is, "Yes," but there's no question some things are getting sacrificed along the way. A breakdown of what gets accomplished (and how it gets accomplished) and what gets neglected:
- Kids—My little ones are obviously my priority, and I'm really proud of the fact that while other areas of my life may be neglected, they are not. Weekends are all about them. Weekdays, I spend 6 AM to 9 AM exclusively with them, and then other pockets of time throughout the day (some days more than others, depending on my work schedule/deadlines). I also do their bedtime routine with them every evening except Sunday (date night). Their dad takes care of them while I work (will be his mom once he's working again), with my mom taking over once a week on Wednesdays
- Husband/Marriage—I make spending time with my husband a priority, do not put our marriage last on the list. Our situation is a little unusual in that he's home (probably not for much longer), so we get some time together every day. We almost always spend our evenings together, too. We also have a date night every Sunday, thanks to my mom and dad who babysit, and it's wonderful. I think it was my husband's fear that he would be totally neglected once we had kids...I'm trying hard to make sure that that is not the case
- Work—I've got the best clients in the world, really...they've been so great about the shift from me doing whatever, whenever, to having to have some boundaries so my kid time doesn't get eaten up. I've learned to say no to huge rush projects. To say no in general when I need to in order to keep my "to do" list manageable. To not travel (with rare exceptions). I try really hard not to work on the weekends. I feel like I'm doing good work...the main thing for me though is not to commit to too much...always a struggle, but I've done pretty well so far
- Writing—This is suffering. Actually, I include blogging in this category...my blog is very important to me...the connections it affords and also I see it as a record of my kids' childhood that will be so precious to me and perhaps to them too in the future, so I make time for it, but there's never as much time as I'd like. (I have 3 pages of things I'd like to do in this space and haven't gotten around to.) So blogging is getting some attention, usually after the kids go to bed or during naps on the weekends. But my other writing has totally fallen by the wayside and at some point, I want to correct that. The only time to write would be after the kids are in bed (or naps on weekends), but that's also time I want to spend with my husband, so... Something I've been thinking of doing is making one night a week my writing night...not a lot of time but better than what I've got going now. We'll see.
- "Me Time"—I love being outdoors, and the exercise is good for me. Love yoga too. I go in waves with this...sometimes I'm really good about getting out and getting some exercise, other weeks I just can't stand to be away from my babies. Generally I hike with my dad every Wednesday while my mom babysits, and my husband watches the kids once a week while I go to yoga. Sometimes I get out walking with the kids in the stroller, which is ideal, but it seems like it's always too hot or too cold, and one or both ends up fussy and that's not fun for anyone. Still trying to figure out the best balance here. And then stuff like snowboarding...a couple years ago, the season-pass-holding-on-the-mountain-twice-a-week me could not imagine not wanting to go, but now...I hate the thought of being away from the babies for a day. Snowboarding may just have to wait until they are old enough to be on the mountain, too. Oh and by the way, other "me time" stuff is pretty much nonexistent...reading and getting out with friends being two things I would love to do that just aren't happening right now. Oh and knitting. It would be nice to knit again someday...
- Daily Tasks—Here's where things really break down. Well, not really, because we have a housecleaner that comes once a week (God bless her) and my husband does most of the cooking (have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?) And we do shopping/errands together, so we get things done and spend time with each other and the kids all in one fell swoop with that. But there are chores I'm supposed to get accomplished each week and I am SO BAD about those. So bad. There is just not time and I'm always stressed about these things and they are never done in a timely manner and it drives my husband crazy and I am trying to be better about it but really, if there is a breakdown in the system better it be here than the attention the kids are getting, right?
Bottom Line
I have lots of help, and I prioritize. And I don't get everything done I want to (the things that are suffering the most are my writing and chores). My writing...honestly, I feel like if it takes a backseat for a year or two that's OK. And chores...everything seems to get done eventually. I am feeling really good about how much time I spend with my kids and how good my relationship with my husband is, also that I am doing a good job at work and contributing to my family in that way.
By the way, so excited about the possibility of three kids, but also scared because things are going along pretty smoothly right now...will three put us over the edge?
Once the list of other PAIL posts goes up, I will link to it here. Can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say on this topic!
XOXO
Zoey's Diary: Nine Months
Zoey here--Hi! Hi! Hi!
(By the way, my way of saying "hi" these days is smiling a big smile, shaking my head back and forth no, waving one or both hands up and down, and saying ay! ay! ay! ay! ay! at the top of my lungs. I'm talking A LOT...Luke not so much (actually, he makes a lot of squeals and clicking sounds instead of the ba ba ba ma ma ma da da da I do), but Mommy says he's got more advanced motor skills. Oh, and I've learned to pout, too, although I don't pull that move very often.)
Anyway, we turned nine months old on Saturday...Mommy and Daddy helped us celebrate by taking us to brunch where we sat in high chairs and ate puffs and scrambled egg whites...it was super fun.
Early in the month, we spent a week at Uncle Ben's for Thanksgiving. It was really fun, although we started getting sleep trained there and that wasn't so fun, but it's all good now. Here are some picutres from our trip:
Mommy tried to feed me some turkey at Thanksgiving dinner...I wasn't having it! Luke and I are eating really well, but we're not much for texture. Or meat.
Luke and I each have some new powers. We're crawling at super-speed, and just starting to stand without holding onto anything. (I did it first, Luke a day or two later). I can wave hi and bye when someone asks me too, or I do it on my own when I get excited like when I haven't seem Mommy for a little while and she comes back. But Luke can eat puffs better than me, picking them up with a thumb and finger and popping them right into his mouth. And he started climbing the stairs first (only under supervision is this allowed, although we try to sneak off and do it on our own whenever we can), but I'm doing it too now. We are speedy. We take our ducky baths upstairs and we'll crawl from the kitchen through the dining room and living room and up the stairs super quick, me screetching the whole way because my ducky bath (you know, the bathtub full of warm water and rubber duckies) is my favorite part of the day. Here we are after ducky bath in our PJs, climbing on the stairs:
We hang out in our sports car walker sometimes too, and on our new couch if supervised, and in the bouncy seat:
And we go to Grammy and Grandpa's every Wednesday...we have so much fun over there!
We get along so great, too. It seems like one baby would be so lonely. We sometimes steal each other's toys, and cry, but generally we just have the best time together. We are still sharing a crib and sometimes before we go to sleep we sit in the crib and giggle, giggle, giggle. And we're always side-by-side at home and out. We're so lucky we're twins!
So that's it! And I know month ten is going to be great...Grammy's been teaching me about Santa Claus and I can't wait!
Love,
Zoey
A Sleep Training Success Story
THEN
How sleeping used to go for us and the babies:
- Up between 4 AM and 5 AM (me + kids)
- Naps during the day required someone (usually my husband) to be snuggled up with them on the bed or they'd scream and refuse to sleep. No rhyme or reason to naps
- Bedtime 7ish, but Luke had to fall asleep in someone's arms (usually mine) or he would scream
- Dream feed 10ish
- Up a bunch during the night (especially Luke)...we'd go to them/cuddle them/feed them every time they made a peep. My husband mostly did the night shift, but if both babies woke up at the same time I'd get up too. I was usually up once during the night.
So for me bed at 11 PM, up in the middle of the night, up for the day between 4 AM and 5 AM and no chance to nap because any spare (baby free) minute I had I was working.
The result: some serious exhaustion on my part, and my husband and I covering the babies in shifts with me generally having days (or parts of the day at least) and him nights...doable but not ideal.
And then, when we were at our RE's office a few weeks ago, he asked about the twins and we said they are great except they don't sleep. And then jokingly said hey, you helped us get babies, can you help us get them to sleep? And he said with his kids he followed the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to the letter, and it worked like a charm.
We bought a copy on the way home (actually, we got Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins.)
Followed it to the letter.
NOW
And now:
- Babies are up at 6 AM, which is totally doable (actually, they seem to wake between 5 and 6, but are often happy in their crib until 6)
- Nap at 9 AM by themselves in the crib
- Nap at 1 PM by themselves in the crib
- Bedtime at 6 PM
And all this happens with essentially no crying--unimaginable a few weeks ago.
Having the twins sleeping like this has truly changed our lives.
So what price did we pay?
Nothing from Zo, who was already sleeping pretty decently.
A few nights crying from Luke, and I'm not going to lie, that was EXCRUCIATING. Actually, the book says that especially in couples who have had a hard time getting pregnant the dads do much better with sleep training. Before we started, Jeff made me PROMISE to do what he said and not to interfere. If I hadn't made that promise I wouldn't have been able to stand the first night or two (and the crying didn't even go on for that long those first nights...maybe 45 minutes when we first put Luke down, another 45 minutes at 3 AM. Still, when you're used to picking up your baby at the first whimper...)
Nothing in the kids' behavior makes it seem like they've been traumatized in the slightest by going through this. And I had read that if you do sleep training you become desensitized to your kids' crying (the implication being that you turn into a harsher, less loving parent), but I don't feel like that's happened at all.
I was scared to do sleep training because I didn't realize how truly minimal the crying would be/how fast it would go away. If every night was like the first night no way in the world would I put me and the kids through that night after night after night. But they adapted so quickly and they don't cry any longer. And I know overall we are better parents when we are rested/not constantly exhausted. And we had just reached a breaking point where everything was so chaotic and we were getting so worn down and exhausted....actually the last straw was the night Luke was up pretty much all night...he woke in the morning with bags under his eyes, rubbing his eyes first thing in the morning...it kind of became clear then that what we were doing wasn't working for our kids either. Us, I figured it's OK for us to suffer through if we need to. Them, I don't want anything bad for them...and them exhausted in the morning because they haven't been able to sleep...that doesn't feel like we're doing the right thing...
Anyway, that's our sleep training story. Everyone is so different in their beliefs/approach to this, but after eight months of following the attachment parenting philosophy we switched, and it was the right thing for us, no question.
XOXO
Sad About Weaning...And What Is Going on With My Hormones?
So, I am in the process weaning our babies, because we want to try for a third child (aka "Freezypants") next spring, and i need to have stopped breastfeeding 3 months before.
I'm not ready.
The kids are ready...maybe have been for some time, I've had to pump quite a bit the past months when one or both of them refuse to nurse. But when one snuggles up and nurses happily...I love that time with my kids.
The target date for being done nursing is December 15th. The kids will be 9 months old. And I'm glad I've been able to breastfeed for that long, even with all the struggles, especially with the fact that I've never made enough milk (they've always gotten about half breast milk, half formula.)
I know it's going to be fine, weaning...there will be other ways to have that closeness, but I am feeling soooooooooo sad about it. And also, kind of edgy and just feeling weird in general, honestly like I'm on fertility drugs and am not myself. Do your hormones do weird things when you stop nursing? I went to check on Dr. Google, but people are so judge-y about breastfeeding, when I click to find information I get a lecture about how important it is to breastfeed your kids for as long as possible, and I already feel bad, I just can't read that kind of thing right now.
This is the first time as a mother I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing. (Although I'm sure it won't be the last.)
And here's the real issue...this is a big step that means they are growing up and of course I want them to grow up and be their own people and have their own lives but how do you let go? This (motherhood, having these babies) is all going so quickly already I don't want to let the breastfeeding stage go. But I need to, and this also isn't the last milestone they'll reach where I need to let go, and I want to be able to do so with grace even though there is pain and loss involved.
Sigh.
It's hard.
XOXO
CCRM: Freezypants Is a Go!
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday! Hope you (US readers) all had a marvelous Thanksgiving. :)
Today I wanted to talk about our visit this week to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), and our thoughts on having a third child.
We've got a few embryos in the freezer, and ever since the twins were born 8 months ago, I've wanted another child, who, thanks to currently being a frozen embryo, my husband has dubbed "Freezypants," or "Freezy" for short. And if we're going to have a third child, we want to do it soon, mostly because of my age...everyone has their own number as far as what is "too old" for kids...mine will be here in less than 2 years, so if we're going to do this, we need to get on it. And we definitely just want one, not twins again, which (hopefully) can be accomplished by transferring just one embryo at a time.
Funny though, with the appointment looming, I started having second thoughts. (My husband has essentially said he's fine with two kids, but is behind me if I want to have three, so the decision is really up to me.) Namely:
- Am I insane? I'm barely holding it together with two kids, how in the world is three going to work? Plus my husband is about to start a new job, and we might be moving...there's already a lot going on...
- We know we can handle two, three is such an unknown...
- Maybe I am ALREADY too old to do this again?
- My body tolerated a twin pregnancy well (in terms of not having any lingering deleterious effects) and is almost back to normal...will I be so lucky the next time around? (This fear includes the fear that a C-section will be needed next pregnancy)
- My mother-in-law is going to be helping when I work (part-time, from home)...will she be OK with three kids, or will we have to hire additional help?
- My husband says I'll have to drive a minivan if we have three kids...I just don't see myself as a minivan kind of person
- Can we afford three kids? I mean, we can, but will there be any money left over for fun stuff?
- I was so sick with my pregnancy last time...can I stand to go through that again? Especially with two toddlers?
- Will we be exhausted ALL THE TIME if we have three kids?
- Do I really want to go through infertility treatments again? All the drugs, all the time (our clinic is not where we live, which makes even an FET complicated), all the getting our hopes up when this may or may not work...ugh...
Essentially, it all boils down to: will we be stretching ourselves too thin? And is that fair to us and the kids we already have?
And yet, I couldn't bring myself to cancel the appointment. And it didn't make sense to do it (go back to CCRM) if we weren't pretty sure about three, because it was expensive and I had to have a hysteroscopy, which in the past I have found to be excruciatingly painful.
Anyway, we went. About 5 hours, lots of procedures, LOTS of paperwork and the bottom line is everything looks great and if we want to try, we can.
And now, I'm feeling better about three. (Especially after a couple of good nights of sleep...things are changing with the up-all-night bit the twins have been pulling, but that's another post.)
With us thinking we want to do a transfer in March, the next step is weaning, which I have been really, really, really sad about. If we do March, the twins need to be weaned by mid-December. All the trouble I've had with breastfeeding, I'm surprised how sad I am starting to wean the kids. But interestingly, they are making it easier, as at many feedings neither one is interested in nursing. But those feedings where they settle in and we have that time together...it's so precious...so hard to think of stopping that before we are all ready. But I will have breastfed for nine months, and I'm glad I've been able to for so long. And the twins have never breastfed exclusively, they've always had formula supplement, so that makes the whole weaning thing a little easier too, I think.
Three kids vs. two. I don't know...if you list the pros and cons, there are a lot more things in the cons column (see above.) But I love our kids (the ones we have now) SO MUCH, I think my husband and I are doing a great job, they are so fun and why not have one more, how can one more not add to the joy and fun, laughter and happiness we have? So I guess we (meaning me) are not 100% decided yet, but we're (I'm) pretty sure Freezypants is a go. :)
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Hide & Seek
Hi Everyone! Happy Thanksgiving!
At my brother's for the week, in the Colorado mountains, he lives in the house where we grew up and goodness, it's been a long time since there were children in this house. But this week it's been full of them...makes me so happy.
We played hide-and-seek with the babies the other day (one person held one baby and counted, the other held the other baby and went and hid), and I can't tell you how cool and also how surreal it was to hide in the hiding places I used as a child. Made me feel ten years old again, two little brothers, my mom with a beef stew simmering on the wood burning stove and soon she'll be sitting down to read to us, fires crackling, horses out in the dried grass of the meadow...
Love that I'm still able to come home to this house. It really is a magical place...
Hope everyone enjoys today. Can't tell you how excited I am to have four whole days off. :)
XOXO
Image credit: Courtney Burgess (pinned from bing.com) via Pintrest.
Overwhelmed
Hi Everyone!
So I usually try to stay positive, in this space and in life, but let's take a break from that today, shall we?
I am feeling absolutely stretched to the limit, and wondering how anybody makes this working mother thing work. And then I feel ridiculous for complaining because:
A) I'm only working part time (well, 6 hours/day right now...will go down to 4 hours/day once my husband's job situation sorts itself out, which seems to be imminent)
B) I work from home
C) Between my husband and my mom and my mother-in-law, I have lots and lots and lots of help
But, on the other hand, there are a lot of extenuating circumstances right now, including:
- My husband has been traveling for weeks what feels like non-stop...he is exhausted from travel and meetings, I am exhausted from being up all night with the kids, the kids are crankier than normal because they miss him, etc.
- We've been traveling as a family, too...great stuff but traveling with twins is not easy (another week-and-a-half trip is set to start Friday)
- I am sick, sick, sick, and have been for over a week
- Work is really busy, things that require a great deal of mental energy plus some super-accelerated timelines and that's always really stressful
- The kids are teething
- My husband has another meeting Monday in Denver (yay!), but I don't know how I'm going to work Monday...and we have appointments at CCRM in Denver to talk about/start the process of potentially having baby #3 (oh yeah, I'm also trying to decide if 3 kids vs 2 makes sense in the midst of all this), so I can't work Tuesday...and then Thanksgiving...I don't know how I'm going to get any work done next week
- We're kind of in limbo as we may be moving for a new job for my husband, so things aren't really set up the way they are going to be with our house (eg we're putting off buying a new crib so the twins are still rooming together) or my work situation (eventually my mother-in-law will be helping me set times, right now coverage for me working is just kind of cobbled together)
- Etc.
So yeah. Today I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.
My husband's back tonight and will take the night shift with the kids, so that should help.
And if I could just get rid of this cold...
Am I the only one who feels like they are drowning?
XOXO
Flying Solo
Hi Everyone! Happy (late) Monday!
(And by the way, thinking of everyone on the East coast dealing with this scary storm...)
My husband's out of town (and will be twice more in the next two weeks), and boy do I miss him...just being around him, of course, but also his help with the kids. I say I'm flying solo, but really I'm not because my mother-in-law is with me and is such a HUGE help. But I won't let her do the baby night shift. And all I can say is I always really appreciate my husband and all he does, but right now even more so, with the babies up last night at 10 PM (both), 1 AM (Luke), 2 AM (Zo), and 5 AM (both), me getting up with them at 6:30 AM, a busier-than-normal workday and today is bank and grocery day so out doing that, and my husband kind of joke-threatening me that if I don't get our daughter a winter jacket he's going to do it (he has great taste in kid's clothes, but I wouldn't put it past him to get something crazy just to make his point about the fact that it's taken me forever to get this [admittedly important] task done).
Anyway, it's almost 10 PM and I'm just now finishing my workday...about to dream feed the babies (with my mother-in-law's help) and who knows what the night will bring but it's OK. I'm the mom. I can handle whatever I need to.
Oh and a couple random tidbits, because that's the kind of mood I'm in:
- Grandma got the kids rubber duckies, and partly so they can play with them, partly because it's time I've started giving them (the kids) a bath in the bathtub upstairs together instead of in the kitchen sink one at a time...they LOVE the rubber duckies (and the bath)...Luke cried when I got him out of the tub tonight...
- Zoe is all about consonants right now...ba ba ba ba ba, ma ma ma ma ma, etc. So cute
- And Luke's special power right now is full-on crawling...amazing
- And they've both got teeth! Also amazing...
Oh, and also, I might be totally off base with this, but I feel like if I was a stay-at-home-mom I could totally handle the kids solo. It's this trying to work from home thing and switching gears and trying to be somewhat available for my clients and not being able to nap when the kids nap because I need to get on a conference call instead...I'm not complaining, I just feel like work just makes this impossible to do on my own (and thankfully I don't have to...)
Anyway, thanks for indulging me in my sleep-deprived mama randomness...
XOXO
Zoey's Diary: Seven Months
Hi Hi Hi!
Zoey here, to tell you all about the past month. In a nutshell...we are moving around like crazy...and in high chairs at restaurants and carts shopping (instead of our stroller), sitting, scooting, pulling ourselves up to standing, giggling and making all sorts of noise. Mama says we are growing up so fast!
Earlier in the month, I got the scooting (or army crawl, I guess they sometimes call it) thing down, and Bubs had sitting, but we caught up to each other and can both do both now. When I was the only one scooting, Daddy used to put me on the floor on my belly and see how far and fast I could go.
"Sissy!" he'd say. "It's time for the Scoot Scoot 500!"
Also when we each could just do one thing (scooting or sitting), Daddy said we each had our own special super powers.
We hang out in our new playroom lots. This is one of our favorite toys, from Uncle Ben:
Daddy still likes to stick a pacifier to my head and call me his little unicorn:
If me and Bubs have been apart, our faces light up with a big smile and we laugh when we see each other. We are best friends. And we play together so nice right now...side-by-side, and also we share things, like this day at Grammy and Grandpa's when we passed a rattle back and forth, back and forth:
Oh, and Daddy has our crib set up with a breathable mesh bumper down the middle, so it's like we each have our own little cubicle. That way we can sleep together, but don't bump into each other and wake each other up. Mommy came in one morning when we'd been awake for a while, and we had smushed down the divider in the middle so we could hold hands and play together. She said it was the cutest thing...
Also, we've been getting new nicknames. Of course there will always be Bubs and Sissy, but Daddy has started calling Bubs "Skelly Bubs," because he has PJs that have the bones of a skeleton on them. And Mommy has been calling me "Sugar Pie Pudding Pop."
One night, Grandma Charlotte was over helping us get ready for bed, and Mommy had two sets of yellow PJs out, and Grandma put the one with the ducks on me, which was cool, but then there were flowers for Bubs.
"Just put him in flowers," Daddy said to Mommy.
"No," Mommy said.
"He's man enough," said Daddy.
And then Mommy said to Bubs, "Are you man enough, Sugar Pie Pudding Pop?"
And Daddy said, "He won't be man enough if you keep calling him that."
And then Mommy said, "What do you want me to call him? My little Ice Road Trucker?"
"Or Puppy Dog Ear," Daddy said.
Here's Bubs asleep in the stroller. I generally sleep way better than him...Mommy and Daddy say he's tricky. But they say that's OK...different babies need different things.
We're all about using Mommy as a jungle gym:
So that's the update! Life is so, so, so, so good for us. :)
Love,
Zoey
Anxiety + Exhaustion + FINALLY Getting Some Sleep
Anxiety has been a problem of mine, certainly since my brother was killed, and maybe even before, it's hard to remember. And I had a TERRIBLE time with it the first six weeks or so the kids were home (discussed here). And now, in the past few days, it's back again and I'm not sure why.
I'm worried about the kids, have to check on them over and over and over to make sure they are OK (ie, when they're sleeping).
And the very little bit of news I get (San Francisco Chronicle online, generally glanced at once a day)...right now it's just filled with kids kidnapped and killed, teens committing suicide because of bullying (I think the suicide was done live online too), animals being brutally killed...I don't even read the articles, but the headlines stay with me and haunt me...
And then there are all the images/scenarios playing out in my head (mostly having to do with my brother) I can always return to if I need an extra bit of suffering.
Sigh.
My kids have been pulling themselves up on things. Which means they are falling. But that doesn't seem like enough to explain it.
My parents are traveling (with my mother-in-law here house-sitting for them), but not anywhere/doing anything particularly unsafe.
Nothing bad has happened to me personally.
So what is going on? Why all of a sudden are 90% of my thoughts about horrible things happening?
It's not good...
And also (and maybe related), I have been feeling SO worn down/on the verge of being sick. I feel like I have it easy because my husband does the heavy lifting as far as the night shift with the kids*, but stiil, I generally get to sleep between 10 and 11 (staying up 'til 10ish to dream feed), may or may not be up in the middle of the night (if both kids wake at the same time I take one), and then lately (for awhile, can't really remember how long) the kids have been up for the day between 4 and 5 AM and I'm up with them. I generally don't get a nap. This is what my fear is with wanting to be with them as much as possible but also needing to work to help support my family...that I get stretched too thin and just wind up exhausted all the time.
Anyway, I had a work call at 8 AM this morning, so my mother-in-law came early to help with the kids and after the call I went back to bed and slept 'til noon. Also the kids were up their usual between 4 and 5 AM this morning, but miraculously both went back to sleep until 7:30.
I can't tell you how much better I feel after all that sleep. The anxiety is also not as bad today...
Think I'm going to try to have a day a week to sleep in, at least while my mother-in-law is here and I'm sure my mom will help with that too once she's back.
The twins are so amazing, but sometimes twins is hard.
XOXO
*I know in theory our kids, who just turned 7 months, could (should?) be sleeping through the night. But they're not. And I haven't been able to get on board with sleep training yet, although my suspicion is that may be the road we go down at some point...
I Got Rid of My Baby Books + I Don't Know What I'm Doing + Some Links + A Small Request
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!
First off, a small request: My blog just got listed on Top Baby Blogs (yay!), which is a ranked site, which means the more people that click into the site from my blog, the higher I'll be ranked and the easier it will be for other people to find me. If you like my blog and would't mind taking a few seconds (and 2 clicks) to "vote" for me it would be MUCH appreciated. CLICK HERE, and then click again on the left side of the page that pops up. Thank you soooooo much for your help...really trying to do a better job at getting the word out about my blog. :)
And now, on to today's post:
We're having a garage sale this coming weekend, and yesterday, I put all of my baby advice books (except What to Expect: The First Year, which doesn't feel so judgey) in the garage sale box. (I have a feeling I may sneak out and rescue one or two before the sale, though.) I did it because: a) The advice in different books is conflicting, so I just end up confused (the books I have have been given to me and are all over the map as far as parenting philosophy), and b) A lot of the advice doesn't seem applicable to twins, and c) A lot of the advice makes me feel bad.
Which brings me to the "I Don't Know What I'm Doing" part of this post. Overall, I KNOW we are doing a great job with these kids, I know we are. But sometimes, it's like, they're six months old and they're not sleeping through the night, they're not breastfeeding well, especially during the day, and cereal and pureed vegetables--well, a picture is worth a thousand words:
How am I supposed to feed them anytime other than bath time? Other kids don't look like this after they eat, do they?
All of which to say, I didn't get rid of the baby books because I think I'm some sort of expert or something. Clearly, half the time I don't know what I'm doing.
But then I think of this video I watched the other day, (found after watching this one that talks about the things people say to mothers of twins...so funny...so true). Anyway, the point of the video is no one wants to be friends with the woman who is the perfect mother--you know, whose kids sleep through the night from six weeks, whose kids pass every milestone early, who breastfeeds for years and cloth diapers and baby wears and co-sleeps* (not that I'm against any of these things...just when people do them and try to make those who don't feel bad) and doesn't have any hobbies because her kids are her hobby, doesn't have a single challenge...nobody wants to be this woman's friend. Or at least I don't. Perfection is boring, no? And SO not relatable.
So, in sum:
- I may regret getting rid of my baby books, but I don't think so, and
- I am not the perfect mother, clearly (although I do feel like my kids are very lucky to have me), and
- Watch these funny videos here and here, and
- "Vote" for me by CLICKING HERE...and THANK YOU for your support. :)
Hope everyone's week is starting off great. :)
XOXO
*I breastfeed as much as I can, and baby wear some of the time, and co-sleep some of the time (although it doesn't work so well, because I don't sleep well because I'm afraid I might hurt the baby). And I would cloth diaper, but my husband isn't into it and frankly, it's not something I feel strongly enough about to fight for.
Luke's Diary: 6 Months
Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!
We--me and Sissy--turned six months old last Saturday! So exciting! So much has been happening, too!
We got a new playroom, with white shaggy carpet...Mommy will show you some more pictures sometime soon. Everyone calls it Baby Land, and it's the perfect place for us to play...so nice to have all of our toys in one place, too. Mommy says it's child proofed--whatever that means. And Mommy says the house...things are finally starting to get back to normal...I mean, there are still babies, she says, but the whole house and everyone's life being totally dominated every inch and every second...that's starting to mellow out a little.
Oh, and now Daddy is playing a game called "Berlin Wall" with us. There is a wall on the back side of the couch that separates the living room from our playroom (which is enclosed, and Mommy says originally used to be a small screened-in porch.) Anyway, Daddy will say, "Let's play Berlin Wall," and he'll lift us up over the partition and lower us down into the playroom on the other side and say, "Good job Bubs! You made it to West Berlin! You're free!." And Grandpa will join in with, "Checkpoint Charlie!" and Mommy will laugh so hard.
Mommy hasn't been TOO busy with work, so some days she and Daddy can walk with us downtown for lunch...it's so fun...
We're changing lots, me and Sissy...Mommy says we're changing every single day...pushing WAY up un our arms, starting to sit unassisted, so close to crawling, really Mommy and Daddy expect it any day now.
We've also really discovered the dogs. Any time one of the boxers comes close, we squeal with laughter. Really, is there anything more fun than a boxer? They're so sweet and gentle with us, too.
And we're starting to sleep in the crib...Daddy partitioned it off with a breathable bumper so we each have half...Mommy says it looks like we each have our own little cubicle.
And we're moving around like crazy these days, rolling over and scooting backwards, the up on the arms thing like I was talking about before, going way up on our tiptoes and jumping up and down when somebody holds us. Daddy says it's like we're Mexican jumping beans.
Mommy's friend Marco sent both of us these great red hats...here I am in mine...it's starting to get cold enough in the mornings where we can wear something like this out on the days Mommy walks us downtown to get her and Daddy coffee...
I love hanging out with Mommy in her office and helping her work...
And then there are always stories in the evening...
And we're starting to hold our own bottles, me especially, although Mommy is still breastfeeding us too as much as she can...
Oh, and we LOVE mirrors. Endlessly fascinating.
And we've started on some vegetables...here's Sissy after carrots. I don't really understand why Mommy and Daddy will only feed us right before a bath, but there you have it.
And some pictures of Daddy. Gosh, we love our Daddy. Good things have been happening with his job hunt, Mommy says, which Mommy says is important. But we have SO loved having him around for--as Mommy says--these first few precious months. Even if he does the nap ogre thing on us (holding us tight to him until we go to sleep for our nap.) If we cry, he says we're singing the Nap Ogre Blues.
Daddy says mushy things sometimes, too. Like the other day he said about Sissy, "The only way she could be sweeter is if she had cream filling."
Also, he's always making Mommy laugh, although I don't always get the joke. Like the other day:
Mommy: "There's a Mommy & Me yoga class starting up. I'd love to go. But what do I do with the twins? I guess I'd just take a different one every other week."
Daddy: "Yeah, but then they'd forget the moves."
Mommy laughed so hard at that one. I love it when Mommy laughs.
So that's the update. All is well. We are just the happiest, smiliest, mellowest little babies you could imagine. And Mommy says every day we are making all of her dreams come true.
Love,
Luke
Every Morning We Sing a Song...
One of the things I love to do while spending time with the kids in the mornings is to put my iPOD on random and sing and help them dance to whatever songs come up (skipping particular songs if we aren't in the mood.)
But before we do this, we usually ask Siri to "Play '40 Dogs.'" It's a song by an artist called Bob Schneider out of Austin, Texas, where I went to grad school. I saw a lot of live music those couple years I was down there, but Bob Schneider was my favorite. (I've probably seen him live more than any other artist. He's amazing.)
Anyway, I don't know how we got stuck on this song, but some of the phrases in the lyrics...it's just so us:
"There's something right about you and me..."
"We ain't got no time to waste, we got too much life to taste..."
"We can do what we want to do..."
And the chorus:
"We're like Romeo and Juliet, like 40 dogs, cigarettes
--(except instead of cigarettes, I sing: '40 dogs we like to pet')--
We're the good times that haven't happened yet, but will.
I can tell you where we're gonna be
When the whole world falls to the sea:
We'll be livin' ever after, happily."
Here's a link, if you want to watch/listen [to Bob Schneider, not us. :)]
Happy Friday! Thanks for spending some time here this week! :)
XOXO
Best Five Dollars Ever Spent
I'm not above spending money on my children, but isn't it so true that the amount of money spent in no way correlates to the enjoyment you get from an object?
Case in point, last weekend, my husband and I were driving by a garage sale, stopped and bought this old swing for five bucks. It's faded and weathered and definitly looks used...it's not going to win any beauty contests. But we took it home to my brother's and hung it on his porch, and I can't even begin to tell you how much fun our kids had in it. No object has made them happier.
It's going to go in the apple tree in our backyard...is going to bring hours of delight.
Happy Labor Day weekend to everyone!!! We're going car camping with five-month-olds (and the swing)...wish us luck!
XOXO
Gosh, the Pediatric Cardiologist's Is a Scary Place
This is one of those things I really couldn't talk about while it was happening. But I can now.
Zoey had a heart murmur at birth. That seemed to go away. But at her four-month well visit, it was back. And her pediatrician didn't just say, "No big deal," like apparently they do a lot of times with heart murmurs. She wanted Zoey to get checked by a specialist.
It was a month before we could get in to see the pediatric cardiologist. Which in a way was reassuring. Surely if it were something really bad, they would have seen her immediately, right? But on the other hand, we live in a small town and the specialist only comes over from Denver to see kids every so often, so maybe the wait was falsely reassuring.
Also reassuring was the fact our daughter was so healthy, happy, eating well, full of energy, wasn't turning blue when crying which I guess can happen with heart babies.
But still. A problem with your child's heart? Scary. And also, part of the legacy of my brother being killed...I know bad things can happen. I'm always steeling myself for bad things to happen.
My husband and I pretty much agreed not to talk about it...let's wait until we know what's going on before we get too worried and all that.
And I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself because for the month or so that we waited, I did a pretty good job of putting it all out of my head. Except when I was imagining in vivid detail us going to the heart appointment, her being admitted to the hospital with something that was going to kill her, me being brave and holding her in the hospital, keeping her from being scared while she died, how everything would fall apart afterwards...I mean, seriously, such an unlikely scenario, I know, logically, but how do you stop your brain from going there? Ugh. It was awful. But really, I just thought thoughts like that right after the four-month visit, and again right before the cardiology appointment; in between I did pretty well. And I didn't tell anyone but my mom, because I knew talking about it would make things harder for me.
Fast forward to last week, and the actual appointment. To the hospital, up to the specialty clinic with my husband and our daughter and our son. They had me undress Zoey and hooked her up to a bunch of machines (EKG, blood pressure cuff on each of her limbs one at a time, some big plastic thing they ace-bandaged to her foot.) Through it all she was so calm, like she knew something serious was going on.
And then they moved us to a different room and my husband and I sat there waiting for the doctor, it was all I could do not to cry and my husband said something along the lines of, "This place is incredibly nerve-wracking," and I said, "Yep. Terrifying." and then we didn't talk and just waited. The doctor told us later whenever he has a new nurse or whatever, he always tells them, "Every family that comes thought that door for the first time is scared," and gosh, so true in our case.
So finally the doctor came in, such a calm energy and he was wearing a tie with Tigger on it, he talked to us about how Zoey is generally, listened to Zoey's heart, saw the red raise birthmark on her leg and told us he wanted to do an ultrasound, especially with the birthmark because there could be some flow issues in her heart because of it.
So then to the room with the ultrasound machine, and Zoey held onto her Daddy's finger the whole time, calm and serious, while we looked at pictures of her heart that meant nothing to us and I tried not to think about the fact that everything might not be OK.
The doctor came into the room while the tech was in the middle of the ultrasound, muttered something under his breath that was vaguely reassuring, and then when the tech was done he sat and looked back through the images and finally turned to us.
"Excellent news," he said. "Her heart is completely normal, and what we're hearing is just a normal variation." Cannot even begin to tell you the relief that came with those words.
We left the clinic and sat on a bench outside the hospital for a long time, just to regroup.
And then we get on with our lives, right? Disaster averted. And although I know anything could happen to our children at any time, I try not to focus on that.
Seriously, with this heart thing--what a relief.
XOXO
Zoey's Diary: Five Months
Hi Hi Hi!
Can you believe me and Luke--we're five months old! Fair warning: Mommy went a little crazy with the pictures this month...
Lots of tummy time lately...we're getting so strong...
We're smiling and laughing, talking and cooing and making lots of noise overall. I make these high-pitched squeals that Mommy and Daddy say make me sound like a baby teradactyl.
Toys are a big thing now...but our attention span isn't very long...
I call my brother Bubs you know...here's Bubs with Grammy and Grandpa's dog Jack...we're getting to be such good friends with the dogs in our lives...
Bubs is holding his own bottle some of the time these days. I do, too, but not as often:
And Bubs racked out at Grammy and Grandpa's. We're doing better with naps, and sleeping at night these days...
One of Grammy's best friends came to visit a few weeks ago...Sandie...Mommy said she remembers Sandie so well from growing up. Sandie brought Mommy and Daddy a meal when we were tiny babies...it was so good to see her again.
We've been spending lots of time with Grammy and Grandpa. We love them so much.
Here's Grandpa and Bubs. Grandpa will pick him or me up and say, "Hey! Do you want to ride to Texas? That's what my Grandpa used to do with me." And then he sits us on his knee like we're riding a horse and jiggles us up and down. Mommy says it makes her so happy to see previous generations living on. She told us Grandpa's Grandpa was from Sweden, and came to Texas and was a cowboy, and then moved to Seattle and became a blacksmith...that's where our Grandpa knew him.
Grandma Charlotte came to visit us this month, too. We love Grandma Charlotte!
Grandpa is drying fruit right now from the orchard:
We got a taste (even though according to Mommy fruit is not allowed yet as we are JUST starting on solids.)
I've got this eating-upside-down thing going on:
Here are me and Grandma Charlotte and Mommy in Palisade...we went there for lunch one day and then drove back through the orchards and vineyards...so fun.
Our Mommy works sometimes, but she's usually with us at the same time. She loves us so much it's hard for her to be away from us. Sometimes she really has to concentrate though, and when that happens she gives us to Daddy or Grammy for a little while.
Here's some more pictures of me and Bubs with Mommy:
And us with Daddy. Oh my gosh, we love our Daddy soooooooo much! He's got some new fun stuff going on with us. Like letting us ride on his shoulders. And he's been watching Spider-Man cartoons with Bubs, and the other day he held my brother up to the ceiling and wiggled him along it like he was crawling on the ceiling all the while singing a made-up song that went, "Spider-Bubs, Spider-Bubs, doing everything that a Spider-Bubs can." Mommy laughed so hard. She said we need a video of Spider Bubs.
Daddy doesn't do Spider Man with me, but his nickname for me is Cheese and he also calls me his princess. The other day he called me Princess Cheese, of the Pouf Pouf Clan. Daddy has the best names for me! He also calls me Cranky Pants sometimes (of course he's been calling me Sissy Pants since Day 1). Lately, he and Mommy have been talking about Freezy Pants, which Mommy says is my potential little brother or sister, in the freezer at the fertility clinic in Denver.
Mommy loves these pictures of me.
In the mornings, Mommy hangs out with us. Sometimes we go for walks, but sometimes we just hang out in our PJs:
Or get dressed and just chill in the bed. Mommy plays songs on her iPhone and we sing and she helps each of us dance to the music one at a time.
Afternoons during the week Mommy often works, and Daddy will nap us. (Afternoons on the weekend--really pretty much all weekend--Daddy says it's one baby per customer.)
Sometimes he holds one on either side of him and lets us fuss until we all fall asleep. We call him the Nap Ogre when her does that. We cry really hard for like a minute and then go right to sleep.
And now, we come to the rice cereal part of this post. We love rice cereal, but Mommy and Daddy only give it to us right before our bath. Mommy says she knows rice cereal can be messy, but this is ridiculous.
I'm pretty much focused on eating while I'm eating. Bubs sometimes makes noise, though. He'll go "num, num, num, num," which makes Mommy laugh so hard.
The mess is made worse by Daddy's "Eat It or Wear It" policy (although we get just as messy when Mommy feeds us):
So that's been our month. Fun, fun and more fun!
Bye for now!
Love,
Zoey
CORRECTIONS DEPT.:
My husband/Zoey's daddy read this after posting and said, "First of all, it's Princess Cheesy Poof Poof spelled "poof" not "pouf". And, it is not Princess Cheesy Poof Poof of the Poof Poof CLAN, it's the Poof Poof EMPIRE.
"Mommy doesn't fact check before she posts."
Luke's Diary: Palisade Peach Festival
Hi Mommy's Blog Readers!
Guess what we did this weekend? Palisade is one town over from where we live...it is full of orchards and vineyards, and this weekend was the Palisade Peach Festival, and we got to go!
Friday night Mommy didn't take any pictures, but we went and sat on the grass and listened to some music...the night was warm and the air smelled sweet and Mommy and Daddy had gyros and a beer each with peaches floating in it and there was a bluegrass band and then a rock band from Austin, Texas, which Mommy said sounded just like the music she used to go see on Sixth Street when she went to college down there. Grammy and Grandpa were there too. We had such a fun night.
And here we are Saturday morning...here's Sissy in what Mommy and Daddy call the "playpen" while they were getting us packed and ready. (By the way, I overheard Mommy saying that before she had kids she would never have considered buying something like this and putting it in her living room. But we have so much fun in it...she loves that we have it.)
And here I am in my car seat, ready to go:
Palisade is this really pretty town right at the base of some buttes:
There was quite a line for the pancake breakfast:
And then after the pancake breakfast...and oh! I almost forgot! While Mommy and Daddy were in line for pancakes, we hung out with Grammy and Grandpa, who had gotten there earlier and already had their pancakes. And Grandpa GAVE US BITES OF PANCAKES! (Even though Mommy says all we're supposed to be eating right now is rice cereal.) All I can say is, YUM.
Anyways, after the pancake breakfast, there was a PARADE! It was our first parade and it was so cool. We watched it sitting with Grammy and Grandpa, with Mommy and Daddy standing right behind us:
Oh, and by the way, has Mommy told you about Sophie the Giraffe? Me and Sissy, we each have one, and we LOVE them. They go with us pretty much everywhere.
There were two marching bands in the parade...they were loud but they were so cool:
And the Shiners riding in circles on thier motorcycles:
And the Peach Festival Queen and her court:
And my favorite, obviously--the fire truck. In the fire truck was the Town Grump, which Mommy thought was hil-arious. Apparently, it's an elected position.
So that was the Peach Festival. It was so fun! Grandpa says he hopes wherever Mommy and Daddy move it is a small town that has things like this. I agree.
Love,
Luke
"The Conflict"
Note: This post has been written as part of PAIL's August Book Club. If you don't know about PAIL, check them out here.
I recently read--with great interest--"The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women" by Elisabeth Badinter. (As an aside, sitting in our backyard after the kids are asleep, drinking a beer in the warm evening air and reading an actual book has been such a huge treat...it's the first time I've done this since the babies were born.) In a nutshell, the author claims that today's "natural" parenting ideal makes it impossible for women to have a life outside of being a mother, which in her opinion is a bad thing.
There's a positive and a negative that have stayed with me:
The Positive
This is the first I've read of the current ideal being held up for motherhood (breastfeeding, attachment parenting, home with the kids instead of working, co-sleeping, etc.) just being one way of looking at things, not gospel. That maybe there are other ways to be a good mom, and it's not just do it that way, and everything you do that comes up short is a failure on your part.
This is something I've been thinking about in regards to the feminism I grew up with: that to deprioritize/postpone a family in favor of a career (which is what I was encouraged to do) is not the only path to take.
I am very susceptible to these types of messages, apparently. With the whole feminism bit, I felt like I had to put my career first, even though that's not what my heart wanted. And now with the kids, I've been feeling bad about where I come up lacking in the motherhood department because I have chosen to work (part time, from home), but maybe I don't have to buy into all the dogma the second time around. Buying into the whole feminism thing has caused me regret; I don't have to go through that again with not living up to an ideal of motherhood I don't 100% agree with, anyway.
(Another aside: Can I just tell you how much I hate the preachiness of the natural/attachment parenting crowd? I like a lot of their ideas, I am with them in theory and a lot of my parenting follows their advice, but, for example, I tried everything humanly possible and can't breastfeed my twins 100% of the milk they need...and I'm sick of being made to feel guilty for that, because it wasn't my choice...I'm doing the best I can with what is physiologically possible...I hate all the messages that I'm short-changing my kids because they are not exclusively breastfed.)
The Negative
It's not just this book, but why does everyone, especially feminists, always assume that women don't WANT to be home with their kids 24/7? That given a choice, every woman wants to work? The author of this book makes it seem like staying home with the kids is the easy, expected (although undesirable) choice, when in reality it often seems to be an unaffordable/unsupported luxury. I'd love to stay home with our kids and not work, but my husband and I want a standard of living that necessitates me working at least a little. (We could live on my husband's salary--many people make it work on a lot less--but we want to be able to take the kids on trips, for example. And be able to save for college. And retire at some point.) And the way I've been able to work isn't that onerous (I'm not working that many hours, and half the time I have a kid on my lap). Besides the money aspect, in my crowd (college educated, successful, urban professionals), there is plenty of support for returning to work after having a kid or two, pretty much zero for wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom.
Bottom Line
This book made me feel better about some of my choices, about what I feel in my gut is right for me and my family. I guess that's where the value in reading was for me...in me doing a better job of recognizing that just because somebody says I'm supposed to raise my kids a certain way, it doesn't mean they know better than I do about what's right for my life and my family.
XOXO
First Solids--Too Good Not to Share :)
Hi Everyone! Happy Tuesday!
So last week we introduced Luke and Zoey to rice cereal...oh my gosh, how cute is this?!?
Since that first time we've learned to feed them in their washable Bumbos only, on the wooden kitchen floor, in just a diaper, right before bath time. It's also not a bad idea to be wearing something you're prepared to have rice cereal on.
Every day they're loving the cereal more. And--may be coincidence, maybe not--Zoey is starting to sleep through the night. :)
XOXO
Zoey Wears Vintage (And Finally, Finally Goes Down for a Nap)
This smock was mine when I was a baby...love being able to use some of the things my mom saved for me. :)
In other news, my kids sure don't nap easily. Zoey fights it and fights it and fights it. And then sleeps like a little angel...
Happy Monday!
XO