Pregnancy: Week 19

Hi Everyone!

Trip to the deep South was good...will tell you about it later in the week. But for now...big week...I'm 20 weeks pregnant today! It really does feel like such a milestone. AND, we get to find out the sexes of the babies tomorrow...so excited. It's funny, I've been walking around today thinking, "This is the last day ever I won't know." Tomorrow is going to be amazing (although I do have to say I am a little nervous that when they take a look at the babies something will be wrong...stupid fear...I wish it would just go away...)

Here's how the past week has been:

• Unless I'm totally imaginging things, I can definitely feel the babies moving. It's so cool. Me moving around makes them move around (which seems like the opposite of what's typical...I keep hearing if you lay down you'll feel them but that hasn't been the case for me). Going up and down stairs pretty much guarentees I'll feel something
• Backache (lower to mid back) is the new big symptom. Five flights last week I'm sure didn't help. Generally it's not bad, but sitting in a confined place (eg an airplane seat) makes it hurt A LOT
• Travel overall was fine, but not very comfortable (I did have my husband with me to lift my suitcase everytime I needed it lifted). I am exhausted today, though...
• Nausea's been pretty under control this week, but I've also been taking a Zofran morning and night like clockwork. (Usually I'll wait until I feel bad to take one.) Just wanted this trip to go smoothly. I think I'll continue with the Zofran morning and night through this week and all the company we're having and the holiday, and then try to go off again and see what happens
• Getting up from a seated position is getting harder. Helps to have someone give me a hand
• Getting a weird little rash on my belly...little bumps like bug bites almost, although they don't hurt or itch

Things overall are just going along great. So happy to have made it this far with nothing to worry about. :)

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XO

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Enjoying Your Pregnancy

Hi Everyone!

So this has been a topic under discussion all over the place lately...see Elphaba and Mo, and I think it all started with the fabulous jjiraffe.

Anyway, it's something I've been thinking about a lot about, and wanted to contribute my two cents.

I'm about halfway through my pregnancy (19 weeks), and I have had a heck of a time enjoying it. Which has really surprised me...I really wanted to experience pregnancy, and had these visions of it being such a happy, special time. But the reality has been somewhat different, and several things are making it hard to enjoy, key being:

1) The fact that I've been so sick

2) Gaining weight/restrictions on activities have been really hard for me

3) The fear that something is going to go wrong, and related to that, having trouble picturing that two actual real-live babies are going to come out of this experience. I'm so used to things not going right for me in the reproductive arena, it's hard to imagine a different outcome

To combat the above, here's what I've been trying to do: 

• Documenting my pregnancy--This is something jjiraffe talks about doing and I've been doing with weekly updates/pictures on my blog. You can also do this more privately with pregnancy journals and the like. And also, in a way this seems self-indulgent, but I think I'm going to have a professional do some pregnancy photos of me as I get a little further along...my hairdresser just showed me her engagement photos last week and the woman who did them does such beautiful things with natural light...and is really reasonable cost-wise...
• Trying to make myself as comfortable as possible--I started this pregnancy swearing I would never let so much as a Tylenol cross my lips. And I know this is a very personal decision, but at about 12 weeks I relented and have been taking Tylenol occasionally as needed for headaches and joint and back pain, and Zofran for the nausea that still just won't go away. My doctor says these drugs are perfectly safe and the effect they've had on my mood has been incredible. I was feeling really, really depressed, just laying on the couch sick day after day after day...not feeling so terrible has really helped me embrace being pregnant
• Trying to look as good as possible--Vain I know, but like most women, I want to look good...slender and stylish. The slender part is of course out the window with pregnancy...all I can do as far as that is concerned is make plans regarding how I am going to lose all this weight (I'm actually kind of sick of eating and looking forward to dieting when the time comes), and when I get back to my normal weight there's a little shopping spree waiting for me, so there's that to look forward to. As far as looking stylish during pregnancy...not easy without spending a ton of money, which I am not willing to do. But I am trying to incorporate as much of my day-to-day wardrobe into the mix as possible (eg, button-front sweaters I can just wear open, accessories, the shoes that still fit). And also, everyone's body is different, but I need clothes that show off my bump...I need to look pregnant otherwise I just look vastly overweight. Clothes that hide the belly...not good on me. Bottom line, for me it's been worth it to put a little effort into how I look and what works with my pregnant body...how I look always affects how I feel, and pregnancy is no different
• Appreciating the extra time I have vs being sad about what I can't do--Every winter I get a season pass at my local resort and snowboard like crazy. Year-round I hike. I go to hot yoga. None of those things are options right now. Sometimes I'm really bummed about it, but overall I try to look at it as: look at all this free time I have these days--time that would usually be taken up by all that stuff. I'm working on a little book about San Francisco right now, and have been so productive these past few months, mostly because time usually spent elsewhere can be devoted to writing. I try to look at it as what I've gained vs what I've lost
• Trying to let go of the fear--I think a lot of people who have had difficulty getting pregnant can relate to the incessant fear that has made it really, really hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy. It was worse in the first trimester, but it's still there. Like in how every time I go to the bathroom I look for blood on the TP. How every little twinge and cramp scares me. How I'm afraid of my 20 week ultrasound next week because they might see something wrong with the babies. I'm not sure I'm doing the best job here, but I've been trying to just not think about these things...put these thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. Keep telling myself that the chances of something going wrong are small, and really, something can happen to your child at any time, not just during pregnancy. Do I want to spend the rest of my life entertaining worst case scenarios? No. So I'm trying really hard not to go there...
• Letting people know about my pregnancy--The more my family and friends talk about me being pregnant...congratulate me, talk of a baby shower, comment on how big I'm getting...the better I feel about the whole experience. The first trimester I kept what was going on hidden from a lot of people (although I'm not sure that's the best approach...why do we do that other than we are told it's what you are supposed to do?)...but now that the news is getting out...it's making my pregnancy a lot more enjoyable to have others know about it and be enthusiastic about it. Like last week my husband and I went to see a friend of ours we hadn't seen in a few months and who didn't know I was pregnant...she saw my belly and started squealing and jumping up and down...how can you not enjoy pregnancy when something like that is going on?
• Making it a physical part of my world--I haven't really started this yet, but am about to and am excited. The cribs, the car seats, the blankets, the cute little clothes...shopping for baby stuff is something I've wanted to do for a long, long time, and I think is going to be so enjoyable, not from a materialistic standpoint, but more the thought of getting everything just right, putting a lot of love into preparing a space for our new babies in the world...I can't wait

Do you all have any thoughts on how best to enjoy pregnancy? Would love to hear...

And that's it for me as far as blogging this week...going to Mississippi with my husband tomorrow for a long weekend and am looking forward to a computer-free break (the best kind!) :)

See y'all Monday! ( see...I can do the Southern thing...:) )

XO

Baby Stuff: The Preliminary List

I love this ottoman and can totally see it in our nursery. I'm picturing lots and lots of color...

Hi Everyone! 

So I have to laugh, because my husband and I have been talking and talking about how we don't want to get/don't think it's necessary to have a lot of stuff for the babies, and yet, when I make my preliminary list of what I think we need it seems sooooooooo long.

Basically, we're trying to:

1) Keep our lives as clutter-free as possible (may be totally unrealistic with two babies, I know), and

2) Get the baby stuff on a budget (we've got a few Visa gift cards, a few hundred dollars worth of change we've been saving up, a few hundred dollars that we've been setting aside little by little from our weekly budget for a while now)...so we have some cash, but don't want to go crazy. (Well, let me rephrase that...I would love to go to Land of Nod or Pottery Barn Kids and buy everything in sight, but my husband is so much more responsible about money than I am...and it works out great for our family, so I am not complaining...but to be perfectly honest it's really him that's keeping this whole thing from getting out of control, lol.)

Anyway, below is my preliminary list of what I think we need (and/or I really, really want):

Baby "Necessities"

• 2 cribs (probably used, or from some place like Target or IKEA)
• 2 crib mattresses
• Crib sheets...maybe 4?
• 2 quilts (I think I'm going to try and make these myself...not really in love with anything I've seen)
• 2 Moses baskets (so the babies have a portable place to sleep when they're very small)
• Curtains for the nursery (I'll make these)
• Receiving blankets (my mom and I will make these...not sure how many we'll need)
• Onesies (again not sure how many we'll need)
• Burp cloths
• Diapers
• Diaper pail
• Ottoman/footrest for rocker (we already have the rocker...it was my grandma's...my dad and his brothers were rocked in it...love that)
• Cushion for rocker (I'll make)
• Dresser (plan to get one cheap secondhand and repaint/put on these cool Anthropologie knobs I have)
• Changing pad for top of dresser
• 2 slings/baby carriers
• Double stroller (this might be where we splurge...I have my eye on a really nice one and my husband hasn't said no)
• 2 car seats
• Nursery decor (pictures for walls, mobile, nightlight, etc)
• Diaper accessories (wipes, rash cream, etc)
• Bottles etc? (I really want to breast feed 100%...but I know that might not work out and I'm not opposed to pumping and having some milk in the fridge so my husband and I can get out of the house on our own at some point)

What do you all think? Am I missing something important? Is something here totally unnecessary? Would love to hear your opinions...

Oh, and on a somewhat unrelated note, I keep thinking I feel the babies move, but only when I'm walking up the stairs. Could this be true, or am I totally imagining things?

XOXO

Image credit: BERBERCOOP (ETSY Shop) via Lay Baby Lay.

Good OB Appointment Today...And a Little "Babymoon!" :)

Ocean Springs, Mississippi...supposed to be a cool little arts community...I'm excited to check it out...

Hi Everyone!

So everything went just fine at my OB appointment this morning...yay! Last visit my OB said I could have a scan and find out the sexes at 20 weeks, which is in two weeks...today she was saying she didn't need to see me again until 22 weeks, but I begged and pleaded and she relented and said 20 weeks would work. I'm just so excited to find out the sex of the babies and I've had 20 weeks in my mind for the past month...really didn't want to wait any longer. Plus we wanted to know before Thanksgiving because the whole family is going to be at our house and we wanted to share the news (although my brother and dad don't want to know...want to be surprised at the birth...not sure how we're going to work that exactly but we're going to try.)

And...my husband and I are going on a little trip next week and I am so ridiculously excited! For years and years I have traveled a huge amount for both work and pleasure (100 to 150 days/year)...it's been really different to be staying home for the most part with this pregnancy and while it's been nice, travel feels so much more like my normal state of being. My husband has a job interview gulf coast Mississippi and I'm going to tag along. It's on the beach and not far from New Orleans, so it could be cool. (My husband is graduating next May and we may be moving for work for him...everything is so up in the air right now...anything could happen [including staying where we are] so just not that worried about it at the moment). Next weekend is also my husband's birthday, and I have cool hotels booked (in Ocean Springs, MS and Mobile AL, which is where we're flying in and out of)...I just think it's going to be fun to drive around and explore a new place, go to the beach, out for some nice meals, just have a little vacation, you know? It's just a long weekend, but it's going to be sooooooo cool! And this is probably the last time I'll be able to fly before the babies are born (I'm a little on the fence about flying even now, but my doctor says it's fine and I'm going to be really careful to stay hydrated and rest, etc.)

Anyone know that area and have any suggestions on places to eat/things to do etc.?

XOXO

Image Credit: city-data.com.

Pregnancy: Week 17

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'm 18 weeks pregnant today...so amazing. I'm still so amazed that things keep going well each week that progresses. Still holding my breath about this a little. But things could not be going more smoothly.

Here's how the last week has been:

• Nausea. Still. Zofran helps, but I keep trying to go off it with pretty sucky consequences
• My lower back has been aching. Not all the time, but it's just seeming harder and harder to get comfortable. The backache goes away when I lie down
• I can't believe how big I am already! Several times this week I've felt like there is a balloon getting inflated inside of me...a fairly uncomfortable pushing/stretching out that lasts for a few hours. And it's already getting a little hard to move around, stand up after sitting on the couch, roll over in bed, put on my shoes, etc. And I know I am going to get WAY bigger...this is just the beginning
• Feeling pretty good and happy and positive (aside from the nausea, which just sucks)
• Yesterday and today I though MAYBE I felt some movement...way low in the center of my belly...I'm not totally convinced, though...hopefully I will feel something definitive this week!
• OB appointment tomorrow...a little nervous that she'll find something wrong (eg hearts no longer beating), but not too concerned as my belly is just growing like crazy. Finding out the sex is still two weeks away...I am getting impatient!

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

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How Do You Name Your Baby?

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

So I've been thinking a lot lately about naming the twins.

My husband and I have one boy name picked out, but other than that, nothing. We probably won't really work hard at this until we find out the sexes of the twins in a few weeks. But I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. I also think it's going to be fun, but seriously, how are two people supposed to come up with something so important, that is right for the child and also something we both love? It seems daunting.

It's great there are all sorts of lists of names/books with names out there, and maybe once I start going through them this will be easier.

I looked on the Internet, and there are naming quizzes (eg, "What's your baby naming style?")...I took two (here and here...yeah, I should be writing this afternoon...I'm good at procrastinating when I want to be), and one said I was a "classic" namer, the other that I was a "trendy" namer. Not helpful. (Also, the quiz questions were kind of lame.)

There's a website called the Baby Name Genie which as far as I can tell just randomly generates names (again, not helpful). And Nymbler, which might be more useful because you can type in or select names that you like and it will give you suggestions based on that. 

Maybe the way to start is to eliminate big swaths of options (eg, for me, names that are impossible to pronounce/spell, names that are currently on the top 10 most popular list, ethnic names that have nothing to do with our ethnicity.)

Geeze, a name just seems so important...glad we have some time...I think we're going to need it.

I also know that I'll know when it's right. There will be no second guessing.

Anyone have any ideas on how to approach this? Is browsing through thousands and thousands of names to see which ones strike you really the way to go? Or is there a more targeted, logical way? If you have kids, how did you come up with their names?

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 16

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday (and Happy Halloween)!

So I'm 17 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's how the past week has been:

• Nausea, still really bad and 24/7. I'm not even sure how much good the Zofran is doing, although I'm not taking it every 8 hours as prescribed but instead waiting until I feel bad to take one...probably not the best strategy. I'm feeling down about how sick I still am. Is it ever going to get any better? Or am I going to be one of those women who is sick through the whole pregnancy?
• Eating well and gaining weight...very healthy food for the most part, minus some birthday cake last week and the occasional glass of Gatorade, which is the best thing for settling my stomach. My mom brought me a bunch of healthy stuff over the weekend (thanks, mom!)...makes eating well so easy...
• I haven't felt the babies move yet...maybe this week?
• I've spent a lot of the past week feeling stretched from the inside. It doesn't hurt but it's not the most pleasant thing, either. It's not constant, but will start and will go on for a few hours at a time
• Achy joints
• Not sleeping great because of the joint thing, the stretching, the nausea
• And have I mentioned the *ahem* embarrassing parts of being pregnant? Like my gums bleeding like crazy when I brush my teeth. Hair all over my belly. (Weird.) Peeing a little whenever I sneeze (or puke)...yeah...lovely...

And all of the above sounds like so many complaints, and I AM finding pregnancy very challenging physically, but I am also so happy and excited to be pregnant...so grateful...and it's possible we'll try to have a third child, but there's also a very good chance this is it for me, so trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Due Date

I should have known something was wrong when I started getting upset this morning for no reason. I mean, I have annoying conference calls all the time. And my email suddenly isn't working, but that's no big deal. That's fixable. Like my dad says, if you can throw money at it and fix it, it isn't a problem.

Driving over to my Mom and Dad's for lunch, I started bawling...I mean, not just a few tears, but a full-on breakdown. And then I knew what was wrong.

The baby I miscarried in April, she was supposed to be born right about today.

I try not to think about what happened last spring with the miscarriage, and maybe that's a mistake. Subconsciously, I know. It sneaks up on me. And it hurts so much.

It's days like this I feel like everything I've been through has broken me beyond repair. I just get so scared. I try so hard to have everything be OK and to count my blessings and move forward, but sometimes I  just feel like I can't bear all that has been given to me.

But what is there to do, except keep getting up every morning and try?

And I WILL have babies...or I hope that I will. There are two babies growing inside me, but I've been scared, especially these past few weeks, that something is going to happen to them. I'll just start crying about it for no reason, telling my husband I don't think I have the strength to try again if something happens. And I've been having very vivid miscarriage dreams.

Deep breaths. I'm sure everything is going to look better tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Image credit: Fighunt via Etsy.

Bonding With Babies While Pregnant

This is one of the books I bought recently to read to the babies. There are a lot of cute books out there, but a lot of annoying ones too...need to be careful to get books I like as I'm sure I'm going to be reading them a zillion times. :)

Hi Everyone!

Apologies for not blogging yesterday...work deadlines + my mom's birthday = no time.

Also, those of you who have had my posts going to a reader, something seems to have gotten messed up...not quite sure what happened and apologies...please subscribe again if you'd like to continue reading. :) Ugh..technology is sometimes NOT my friend!

Anyway, on to today's topic.

So obstensibly I have two healthy babies growing away inside me, and I am trying hard to let go of the fear that something is going to happen to them (and generally doing pretty well at that). 

In the first trimester, I spent a lot of time and energy NOT getting attached to them, just in case something happened, you know? The less I felt for them, the better.

But now that I'm in my second trimester, I want to trust that all is going to be OK, and I want to stop actively trying NOT to get attached, and start bonding.

I think naming them is going to help (kind of working on that, although not very hard).

I've heard reading to them and singing to them can help. (Apparently right about now they can start to hear. Been doing a little of it and it's fun.)

Maybe making some actual baby purchases? (We haven't done that yet, aside from a few books.)

Talking to them? (My husband and I both put our hands on my belly and say, "Hey, babies," a lot, but beyond that, I feel silly talking to them. They are still such an abstract concept in my mind...)

Writing them little letters (like I did once when they were still in the freezer)?

What else? Anyone have any suggestions?

XOXO

Image Credit: Pigeon Presents.

Pregnancy: Week 15

Hi Everyone!

So, 16 weeks today. :) Apparently starting this week the babies are going to grow like crazy, and I could start feeling them move at any time. Yay! Cannot wait for that!

Here's how the past week has gone:

• Still not feeling very well. Tried to stop the Zofran and the nausea came back full force. Also headaches, maybe one every other day
• Not sleeping well at night all of a sudden. Can't get to sleep and/or am up at 3 or 4 AM for a few hours. Have been napping (or trying to) during the day as a result
• Weight gain is right on track (I'm trying for 20 lbs. in 20 weeks). Boobs and belly just keep getting bigger. I look pretty unmistakably pregnant these days
• Started thinking about names...coming up with names both my husband and I love is going to be hard. (Fun, but hard)
• Nesting has begun! I haven't gotten anything for the babies yet, but we did a lot to clean/organize the house yesterday and got new bedding for our room and the guest room...it felt so good to get some things done around the house. Laundry, for instance, has been piled on top of the dryer for months and is now all finally put away. I need to tackle these things on days when I don't feel so sick...feels so good to live with organization vs chaos
• I've started reading to the babies a little. Thinking a lot about bonding with them, and this is one of the things I'm trying. (Will talk about the whole bonding thing more later in the week...)
• Worry that something bad is going to happen has snuck back in a little...will talk about that more later in the week as well

All in all, eveything's going along just fine. So grateful, every day...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Should I Do Prenatal Testing?

Hi Everyone!

So today I wanted to talk a little about prenatal testing.

Basically, I'm trying to decide whether or not to do it. I'm finding it really hard to find concrete information/guidance/straight answers on the topic (from my doctor, pregnancy books, the internet, etc.).

Part of the problem is everyone kind of dances around the fact that one of the reasons the testing is done is to make a decision whether or not to terminate a pregnancy...I'm finding the vagueness surrounding that fact is really complicating the information I'm getting.

There are two types of testing, as far as I can figure: invasive and non-invasive. Both kinds test for genetic defects like Down's syndrome, etc. Last week, my doctor asked if I wanted to have some of the non-invasive testing done.

"What do you recommend?" I asked.

"It's up to you," she said.

"How would you suggest going about making the decision?" I asked.

"Basically there are two types of people," she said. "One is the type who wants all possible information and wants to be as prepared for things as possible. The other is happier just taking things as they come."

So how I am feeling is:

• That I am not going to terminate this pregnancy, no matter what the results of the testing show. (Especially because I have twins...I can't really find concrete information on this, but if one were found to have a defect can you terminate the one and be assured the other will be OK? I think there is risk to the healthy twin in that scenario, and that's something I can't handle)
• Also there is a chance for a false positive, meaning that the test may say there is something wrong when there isn't, and I know myself, I will believe that the worst possible scenario is going to happen and spend my whole pregnancy worried about an outcome that may not even happen
• Plus, and again I'm having a really hard time finding concrete information about this, it seems like the tests are less accurate with twins?
• Plus with the invasive stuff there is a risk of miscarriage and I just can't stomach that
• Plus my husband doesn't want to do it

So I'm leaning towards not having testing done.

Except it seems like everyone is doing it (ah, peer pressure), which is making me question my decision.

I know this is such an individual thing each person has to determine for themselves, but any insights/input any of you have here would be greatly appreciated. Just not feeling like I am getting enough information to make an informed decision, and don't really know where to turn for more...

Thanks in advance...

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 14

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday! 

15 weeks today. Wow. :)

Here's how the past week has been:

• Still with the nausea. Ugh. The Zofran helps usually, but I'll often go without it until the nausea comes back, and it always does. Soon, please soon, I just want to feel better...
• Headaches a few times this week
• My belly and boobs are getting noticeable hard. And itchy...so itchy...it's weird. I'm using Mama Bee Belly Balm (it's got such cute packaging...I'm such a sucker for that...) to moisturize morning and night (hoping to avoid stretch marks...it's working so far), but that doesn't really seem to be helping with the itchiness
• Needing naps some afternoons. Seeming to need lots of sleep overall
• Craving orange Gatorage and fresh grapefruit juice (that I make myself). Trying to do more of the juice and less of the Gatorade, as the juice is much healthier I'm sure 
• I've had some times this past week when I just sit back and marvel that I am still pregnant, that if everything continues to go well I am going to have two babies. I get to do this thing I've wanted to do for so, so long, and I feel so happy and grateful and lucky :)

That's about it. Everything seems to be going along just fine (knock on wood).

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

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Pregnancy: Week 13

Save & Close

Hi Everyone!

Well, I'm 14 weeks pregnant this week...officially out of the first trimester! Yay!

Here's how this past week has been:

• Terrible nausea at the beginning...getting worse if anything, so as I mentioned last week I broke down and got a prescription from my doctor for Zofran. Feeling a million times better. I'm so weird about taking medicine, though...it just makes me nervous. I'm supposed to start feeling better anyway around this time, so I'm not taking the medicine as scheduled (1 every 8 hours), just waiting until I start to feel a little sick and then taking it. Some days I'm taking 2, some days 3 but really want to minimize it, while still letting it do its job. I so wanted this pregnancy to be total hippie earth mother no drugs or anything, but this is helping me keep my sanity, so... And I guess it's also giving me my first lesson in the fact that you can't sacrifice absolutely everything for your kids...you're still a person, too. I've been walking around feeling like how I feel and how I'm coping doesn't matter, and of course I want to do what's best for my babies and if my doctor said I could harm them with this I absolutely wouldn't do it. But that's not the case, and it's helping so much...
• Emotionally feeling so much better and more positive, I'm sure because I'm not sick all the time...I always get down when I'm sick...it's so great to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day! :)
• I've gained 15 lbs so far (!), which is right on track to gain 20 lbs by 20 weeks, which is my goal. Still, stepping on the scale, it's hard not to be a little shocked! It's just temporary. I'll lose it all when the time is right
• My boobs are really starting to get huge
• Feeling the round ligament pain more and more...it's not really a big deal, though...just strange to feel the insides of your body stretching
• Have gotten several headaches over the past week...really bad ones, and not sure what if anything triggers them

Oh, and I had a doctor's appointment this morning...two strong heartbeats, and they'll see me again in a month. :)

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

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Grace in Small Things, October 10, 2011

Snow at my brother's, southwest of Denver. He lives where we grew up...so cool...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'll be doing my usual weekly pregnancy post tomorrow...today there's a lot of good things I want to share! :) I usually list small happinesses here, but some of today's are big:

1. Spent the night at my brother's Friday night (he lives in the foothills outside of Denver), and woke Saturday morning to snow. And I wasn't expecting it at all. I felt like a little kid...delighted...it was magical

2. My parents had two dogs, Jack and Comic. Comic died a short time ago, from a freak illness, which made my parents sooooo sad, but they kept saying, "At least we have Jack."

Well, they went on vacation and left Jack with my brother (who is amazing with dogs, by the way). About a week ago, Jack went missing. And he wasn't wearing a collar/any ID. My brother spent so much time last week, and my husband and I helped this weekend searching for him...ads online and in newspapers, flyers posted all over the place, checking the shelters, going door-to-door looking for him, etc., etc., etc. No luck.

It hit me hard when we checked into our Denver hotel Saturday...we were planning to have Jack with us as we were going to bring him home with us when we came back (we live near my parents, my brother is about 4 hours away from us). The hotel is super dog friendly and had a little chalkboard that said, "Welcome, Jack!" and a dog bed and dog dishes and treats in the room. But we had no dog to check in with. I was feeling so sad. I just couldn't imagine my parents losing BOTH their dogs in such a short time, you know? 

But today--finally--Jack has been found! Don't know the details, but so, so, so happy about that news! :)

(By the way, if you want to make yourself sad, go check out the lost-and-found rooms at your local animal shelter. So many, many sweet, hopeful dogs looking up at you and wagging their tails as you walk by...I hope most of them get found...)

3. Closed down a hip Denver restaurant with good friends of ours on Saturday night (after visiting the coolest little bar [I am of course drinking non-alcoholic beer and water these days, just FYI])...you know it's been a fun night when you suddenly notice it's just you and the wait staff (we left a big tip, BTW).

4. Foo Fighters Denver show last night. Absolutely lived up to my hopes for it (and my hopes were BIG). What an awesome night. They played until almost midnight and there was so much good energy, the crowd was great, the band was great, they played every song but one that I wanted to hear (and that one's pretty obscure, so not surprising). Made me so happy. 

5. Have I mentioned I'm feeling better?!? It's like I was living in black-and-white and the whole world is now Technicolor. I didn't realize how much I was struggling, how down I was feeling just because I was so sick 24/7. Not being sick like that has had a HUGE impact on my mood, how I'm feeling about being pregnant, and I'm feeling like I can handle actual babies (it's hard to picture being any good as a mother when you can barely get out of bed.) I'll talk more about the medication I'm on tomorrow, but bottom line is it has made such a HUGE difference...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

P.S. Courtney, I promise to post pictures of the aspens sometime this week. :)

And Sometimes, You've Gotta Admit Defeat

Well, I called my OB today to ask if she could give me something for the nausea.

Barely slept last night + worst headache of my life today (a migraine maybe? I don't know) + I'm 13 weeks and supposed to be getting better + I can barely work because I'm on the verge of throwing up and have been all day.

Actually, it was my husband saying, "I can't take it anymore, you've got to quit suffering if there's something that can help." That was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. 

Zofran, here I come. But I'm so nervous to take medication, even though my doctor says it's OK.

Sigh.

Dilemma of the Day: What's a Pregnant Girl Supposed to Wear to a Rock Concert (or, How Much do Pregnancy and Motherhood Change Your Life?)

So I'm going to see the Foo Fighters this weekend...so excited! :)

(By the way, when I Googled to check the general thinking re: if it was safe to go while pregnant, the consensus was an occasional loud rock concert isn't going to do any damage. Although someone pointed out that I should probably avoid the mosh pit.)

But here's my dilemma: I have absolutely no idea what to wear. I'm fine with jeans and T-shirts around the house. And I have a fancy dinner out Saturday night that I'm sure I can scrounge together a pretty maternity outfit for. But how to look hip and cool and young--you know, rock concert-ish--while pregnant? That I'm not sure how to pull off.

And I care, first because I always want to look good for my husband, and also (ahem) because my celebrity crush is Dave Ghrol (the band's lead singer), and what if he wants to meet me...I don't want to look all frumpy, right? (Hey, it could happen. When I lived in Santa Barbara, I took guitar lessons from the brother of one of the band members [quirky guy...loved him]. So maybe he'll [the brother] be at the show and he'll see me and he'll be like, "You have to come backstage with me!" and Dave Ghrol will be there and, you know...)

What I used to wear on nights like this would be something along the lines of heels, tight jeans and black T-shirt, very loud rhinestone belt, leopard print cowboy hat. Yeah, my rhinestone belt stretches about halfway around my waist now. And I don't feel like I can pull off any of that.

But this isn't really about what to wear on Sunday night (I'm sure I'll figure it out. There's always big-city shopping). It's really about the shift in my identity with this whole pregnancy/impending motherhood thing.

I can't figure out if I'm going to turn into an entirely different person with this stuff, or I'm still going to be me, just with a couple cute kids as part of the package. Or something in between? I'm certainly not going to be going to rock concerts every week, but in reality I haven't done that since I was 24 and living in Austin, TX, (oh, man, the music scene there was unreal). I'll still be able to go to concerts every once in a while, right? Like I do now? And once I get my body back, I can do it in some great outfit. 

Until then...pregnancy is temporary...the rest of my life is not going to be like this. I just feel so not me...it's the not getting to snowboard (I usually go 2-3 times/week in the winter, going to miss it so much), or take hot baths, or have a glass of wine, or travel like I usually do, or look sexy going out to a concert with my husband, or have just one day where I'm not lying on the bathroom floor at some point, ready to puke. All these pregnancy restrictions are just temporary. And so, so worth it.

And besides, who knows? Maybe Dave Ghrol has a thing for pregnant women. :)

XOXO

Pregnancy: Week 12

Hi Everyone! 

I'm 13 weeks pregnant today! One week left in the first trimester! Can hardly believe it! 

Here's how Week 12 has gone:

• Nausea. Still. Please oh please oh please, let it go away (or at least get a little better, or not be around 24/7) soon. My husband thinks it's worse when I don't eat regularly (every few hours), so I'm trying to keep on that schedule in the hopes that he's right. I also have a suspicion that wearing anything the slightest bit tight around the waist makes it worse...Saturday I wore a non-maternity elastic-waist skirt that was a tad tight and felt HORRIBLE the entire day
• Some pains in my abdomen that Dr. Google says are "round ligament pain" and I'll have for the rest of my pregnancy. Not a big deal, though
• Headachy occasionally and some of my joints hurt (the ones that have suffered sports injuries), but nothing that Tylenol won't take care of
• Had these crazy cravings for orange Gatorade this week, which is not the healthiest thing, but the cravings were so incredibly strong there was no way I wasn't having it
• Feeling a bit up and down emotionally, but pretty positive and excited overall. Still crying over everything. Like on Project Runway last week, when one of the contestants lost the money she needed for fabric and the other contestants helped her out? Yeah. Bawling
• Started telling work people about my pregnancy. Actually the company I do the most work for (Company D in my post last week), I told one person there and now everyone knows ("the news spread like wildfire," is how one of my co-workers put it). Sheesh. Everyone's been happy and excited and positive (although I did get a lot of, "Why didn't you tell me?" since practically everyone heard it through the grapevine)
• Packed away most of my non-maternity clothes over the weekend. I'm getting so big so fast! Just now starting to feel (and I think look) pregnant and not fat, which is wonderful wonderful wonderful

Hope everyone has a lovely week! :)

XOXO

Week 11

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Dinosaur Triple Threat

So my husband runs around acting like a 5-year-old sometimes (part of why I love him, and why I want to have kids with him so bad). One of the acting-like-a-5-year-old things he does we call the Dinosaur Pounce. He'll stand outside the closed bathroom door while I'm taking a shower, with his hands up close to his face like little T-Rex arms, and then when I open the door he'll jump on me, making me scream or laugh, depending on how surprised I am. It's sweet. He's not doing it while I'm pregnant because he figures startling me is not a good idea. I miss it.

This morning, my husband was up uncharateristically early (he usually studies late and sleeps late). He came into the kitchen while I was making toast for breakfast and said, "Nope, you need protein," and pulled out eggs and sausage and cheese and poured me a big glass of milk...made me this great breakfast which we then sat on the couch side-by-side eating.

During breakfast, I could not stop laughing. From my husband having staring contests with the dog (the dog is surprisingly good at not blinking first) to him trying to get me to eat more of my breakfast by piling it on the toast and giving it a funny name--he's just so incredibly funny and sweet. 

"I can't wait until the babies are here," I said. "You're going to have us all laughing 24/7."

"Yeah," he said. "But you're also going to have to put up with the Dinosaur Triple Threat for the rest of your life."

I know exactly what he's talking about: Him, outside the bathroom door, a little kid on each side, all 3 with their hands in T-Rex pounce position, all 3 trying not to laugh so that when mommy comes out after her shower they can pounce and surprise her. I'm sure the louder I scream, the more satisfying it's going to be.

Seriously, how lucky am I?

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Image Credit: happyfamily via Etsy.

Patience

"Patience is the theme of our class today," my yoga instructor said to us this morning. (And, by the way, it's prenatal and postpartum yoga, and one of the ladies brought her 7-week-old-daughter to class and oh my God was that baby ever cute. Cute, cute, cute. Absolutely cannot wait to have actual real live babies of my own.)

Anyway, patience. Patience with our bodies, all the changes, our emotions.

Applicable to yoga class, and also life in general, especially right now.

I have, I've realized, no patience with myself. I'm not cutting myself any slack.

I'm having a hard time with how my body's changing (feeling so fat and unattractive, scared I will never be pretty again...vain, I know, but there it is. Also, who I am is so based on athletics...being essentially a couch potato these past few months has left me feeling so adrift.)

I have no patience for how sick I've been, and exhausted. I've had to make allowances for these things, but I hate it and I fight it.

I have no patience for not feeling over-the-moon-happy about my pregnancy every second, even though intellectually I know it's normal to be up and down, especially with how sick I've been feeling.

I have no patience for the depression that creeps in, especially late at night. God, I still miss my brother, and still wonder if I will ever be OK with him dead, or if I'm just going to be in pain because of it for the rest of my life (the pain's better, more manageable, than it used to be, but it's still there). And I've just been through 5 years of trying to get pregnant (the last 3 with multiple surgeries and IVFs), and I think that's affected me more than I've let on...for so long it's just been keep your chin up and move onto the next thing, stay positive, don't think about the sadness of it. And the miscarriage I had last spring...what would have been my due date's coming up and I don't know if I just brushed all the feelings surrounding that aside when it happened and now it's coming back to haunt me, but it's feeling hard, even though I am pregnant now with two beautiful babies that seem to want to stick around.

In short, I want to be this happy, glow-y, beautiful, serene, perfect pregnant woman, and I'm not.

Sigh.

Patience for all the flaws, Kristen. Patience for all the flaws.

Announcing Your Pregnancy

So as I get close to the end of the first trimester, I've started to think about when/how/if I'll be announcing my pregnancy. There's kind of two parts to this: work people, and social people.

Let's start with the social people, aka, friends and family. I've lived all over the place (Colorado, Seattle [twice], Austin, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Boston [kind of...I had an apartment there for a couple years but also had an apartment in San Francisco so was never there full-time].) I tend to keep in touch with people...not everyone, but I really make an effort. The result is I have friends all over the country, whom I talk to with varying degrees of frequency.

I've been pretty open about my fertility struggles and all the interventions we've had, and also about this pregnancy when I see people or talk to/text/email them. If I talk with my friends, I tell them. I know a lot of people think you should keep the news to yourself until after the first trimester, and I did that to some extent when I was pregnant last spring, but then I had a miscarriage and I found myself telling people about the pregnancy after the fact so I could tell them about the miscarriage, and then it hit me, if you're going to tell people if you miscarry, why not tell them you are pregnant? So that's what I've done this time around. (I told a lot of people about the miscarriage because I'm just not one of those people who when friends ask "How are you?" I can just say "Fine," and change the subject. I have this urge to talk about what's going on, good or bad.)

So a lot of people already know about my pregnancy. But what about those who don't? Just because I haven't talked with someone in the past few months doesn't mean I don't consider them extremely close friends. My college roommate, for example, we go months without talking, but he's one of the few people in this world I could call anytime day or night and he'd be there for me, no matter what I needed. Anyway, do I call all these people up? (Which honestly sounds exhausting in my sickly/tired first trimester state.) Send out a mass email? (Ugh...seems so impersonal.) Post something on Facebook? (We all know how hurtful that can be to people struggling with fertility in one way or another...not sure I want to go there.)

And then, there's work. I freelance for four different companies--A, B, C and D. 

Company A, the women I work with are some of my closets friends and they know all the gory details...in fact the owner of this company went with me for my transfer/took care of me on bed rest for my IVF last January (she lives in Denver where my clinic is and my husband couldn't be with me because of school.) 

Company B is in Boston, and they know about and are cool with my pregnancy...usually when I do work for them I fly to Boston, but we're going to do some work with me in Colorado this fall, as I'm not comfortable traveling and they are being lovely and accommodating. The people who run this company are also in the friend category

Company C, the woman who runs it is this high-powered career woman who I admire greatly. She has one child (now grown) and when I told her I was doing IVF she said, "You know I love my daughter, but if I could do it again (have children), I wouldn't do it. I would tell you not to do it." She's the only person who has tried to talk me out of having kids. And yeah, I'm nervous to tell her I'm pregnant. I think she pictures me as more dedicated to my career than I really am, (I have been really dedicated in the past), but I really do want to dial back career-wise and I know she'll be respectful of that, but that's not her wish for me, you know? 

Company D is the company I do the most work for, and although I'm friendly with the people there, they are definitely professional (not friend) relationships. I've told my boss there about my pregnancy and she's told her boss...both have been extremely supportive and are good with me taking a 3 month maternity leave and then coming back, which is great. But there are about 20 people I interact with in this company on a regular basis that don't know...

In terms of work, I'm feeling a lot of hesitation telling the people who don't already know. It's weird, I thought I'd get to this point and be so excited about spreading the news, but I'm finding I'm wanting to keep it to myself for a little while longer. I'm not sure why...if I'm still scared something is going to happen? (Because as many people as I told about my miscarriage after the fact, I'm glad I didn't HAVE to tell people, you know?)

I think another factor might be I'm not sure how much I want to tell people. When I was pregnant with just one baby and told people, everyone just said, "Congratulations" and moved on. When I tell people I'm pregnant with twins I get: "Do they run in your family?" (Yes, as a matter of fact, they do.) And then I've kind of been feeling compelled to tell people I had IVF done as well. But, I don't know, I'm not sure I want to tell everyone in the world about the IVF part...can I just (truthfully) say yes to the run-in-your-family question and leave it at that?

Anyway...

What would you all do/have you done?

With telling friends?

With telling people you work with?

With telling people about fertility treatments?

Your thoughts/input are greatly appreciated!

XOXO