Kristen 11/28/10 Kristen 11/28/10

Do the Benefits of Writing Outweigh the Drawbacks?

So I’ve been writing pretty seriously for about a dozen years now. Here’s a brief history of how that’s gone:

I started with short fiction, and had some quick and easy success with publication.
I wrote a short memoir about surfing, which attracted lots of interest from agents, but also lots of requests to change things, which I didn’t want to do. I wanted the book to be how I pictured it, even though I knew that it wasn’t hugely marketable. That project got set aside.
Then, I started on a big fiction project, which was essentially a story about figuring out how to be comfortable in your own skin--how to appreciate what's unique about you, vs trying to be someone else. I was working on revising the first 600-page draft when my brother died. After that, all writing stopped.
About a year later, I started writing again, but all I could write about was my brother, which turned into a memoir that's really about friendship more than anything else. I worked on that for several years and it's done; it's written as well as I can possibly write it. I've half-heartedly tried to find an agent for it; need to work much harder at that. Also I can't name the book for the life of me. I feel like once I can give the book a name, everything will fall into place.
And since then, a little poetry, which I've decided I don't like writing, some stories about San Francisco, some other fiction pieces and some nonfiction as well. I haven't tried really hard to sell things but I have tried without success, which is discouraging.

So here's where I'm at with my writing:

Writing things is really hard, and not all that fun. But when I finish a piece, I am most times in love with it, and I think that makes the misery of writing worth it. I am not one of those writers who enjoys the process.
It's hard to have had a bit of early success and now nothing. Am I not trying as hard? Has the publishing industry changed so much there are no longer the opportunities there were? Have I changed so much that what I once wrote was interesting/marketable and now it's not?
I have this nagging fear that writing makes me sad, and if that's the case maybe I shouldn't do it. I think it might make me sad in two ways, first adding an extra thing to do to my already packed day and the stress that comes along with more on my "to do" list (although a solution for that is to work less, which I really and truly am trying to do). Second, fiction or nonfiction, I often write about people and places I miss, which makes me long for the past and feel sad that I can no longer be part of it. That's not healthy. I'm glad I have the memoir about my brother, but writing it was excruciatingly painful (I know I wrote it too soon, I should have let some time pass). Things got better for me surrounding that once I stopped writing about it. Writing about other things doesn't hurt as bad, but it still hurts. I'm so sentimental for the past.

I know it's kind of heresy to think about stopping writing, but I do think of it sometimes. To give myself more time in the day for other things. Because maybe all the rejection means whatever I once had is gone, and I should stop and save everyone the trouble. Because I don't want to be sad, and anything suspected of making me sad should maybe go out the window.

But here's the bottom line, today anyway: I think the things I write are lovely, even if no one else does. And I want to publish, but it's OK if I don't. Plus, I really haven't been trying that hard or for that long. And I have this gut feeling that my writing's maturing, that I am finding a way to really tell the stories I want to tell. Also, I have a whole list of projects I want to finish.

So for now I'm going to keep on, make time for it. I don't have to do it forever. Today, though, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

I'll be checking in here with my progress. :)

Kristen Allen