Pregnancy: Week 4

Happy Monday, Everyone!

Wouldn't this penguin wallpaper (above) be adorable in a little kid's room? Love, love, love.

Anyway, wanted to start documenting what's been going on with my pregnancy, week by week. Just finished Week 4 yesterday, and here's what's been happening:

• I am so excited to be pregnant! And it feels unreal, too. It's a little hard to switch my thinking from: "How are we going to make our lives work without a baby?" to: "Holy crap, there's a good chance we're going to end up with a baby! That's going to be a lifestyle change!"
• Dealing with insomnia, but that's kind of par for the course with me
• A little tired, but it seems like last time I was pregnant I was sleeping during the day all the time, and that's not really happening. I did nap more towards the end of the week than in the beginning, so maybe the tiredness is coming 
• I had a couple days of very light spotting early in the week, which in the past would have scared me, but now I know is normal
• Generally feeling great physically. Having more the beginnings of things than anything full-fledged. Twinges of nausea. Definitely a stronger sense of smell. Twinges of my breasts being full and achy. Twinges of food aversions. Etc. I was really, really sick last time I was pregnant...not sure if this pregnancy is going to be different, or if the sickness just hasn't kicked in yet
• Waiting for my first ultrasound (scheduled for 8/17) hasn't been too bad. There's kind of this small underlying current of fear knowing that something could go wrong at any time (and, based on my experience last time, I wouldn't even know it), but generally I'm doing OK. I think when it's going to be really hard is Weeks 9, 10, and 11, which is when last time I lost my baby (I lost my baby week 9-ish, but didn't find out until the end of week 11...thought everything was fine up until that point) 

Can't wait to see what Week 5 brings!

XO

Penguin Wallpaper: Isak via Paul & Paula.

FAQ Fridays: What Happened in Santa Barbara?

Santa Barbara from Cowell's Beach, July, 2011.

Those of you who've been following along for a little while may remember my trip to Santa Barbara a few weeks back. I've been meaning to talk more about what went on there, and today's the day.

So, what's the deal with you and Santa Barbara?

I first went there with my brother who died, the first surf trip we took down the California coast. It's so beautiful there...the mountains soaring up on one side, the Pacific on the other. My brother was in college when we did that trip, and it was love at first sight.

"Oh, man," he said. "As soon as I graduate, I'm moving here."

And he did.

How did you end up living there?

I was living in San Francisco, and came to visit my brother and surf all the time. He'd go to Alaska for the summers most years to work; one year when he came back he said to me, "Hey, why don't you move down to Santa Barbara with me? There's nothing keeping you in San Francisco. We'll get a house together. It'll be fun." So that's what we did. 

What was it like living there?

Living with my brother was amazing. We were really best friends, and a lot alike, and we just had so much fun. Surfing constantly. Barbeques with friends in the backyard. And he was in a band, so out to see all his shows. It was pretty idyllic. On the other hand, I was dealing with a pretty serious broken heart (as was my brother). And working too much (I mean really ridiculous hours). So good and bad.

When did your brother die?

A year and a half after I moved down. And it was totally sudden and unexpected. One morning he was saying, "Bye, love you, sis," on his way out the door to work, and by that evening he was dead.

What did you do after that happened?

I stayed in our house. I didn't really know what to do. Our friends took care of me.

What was it like?

It was awful being there after my brother had died. I was so heartbroken and lost. I totally quit surfing. Didn't work for months. I also met my now-husband a few months later, but he was working up in Alaska (had my brother's old job, which is how I met him), so I was still essentially alone.

When did you move away? Why did you move away?

About a year and a half after my brother died, I started to feel like I had to move. I wasn't really getting better, getting over my brother, like you're supposed to start doing...if anything, things were getting worse. And as things got more serious with my now-husband, we were wanting to be together. He had moved to Seattle, and I'd lived there before, and had good friends there, and was so sad in Southern California...everything reminded me of my brother. Moving seemed like the right thing. 

How was it?

Terrible. Leaving the beautiful town and the charming little house my brother and I had shared...it doesn't seem like leaving a place should be so hard, but it was just awful. I felt like I was abandoning my brother. I also felt like my life there had been taken away, never to be given back. I felt like I HAD to leave, like it wasn't a choice, and that's part of what I think made it so difficult.

How was Seattle?

I love Seattle, but moving from sunny Southern California to there in January (rain, clouds, darkness) was NOT a good idea. Plus I was still so upset about my brother...my now-husband and I moved again to Colorado six months later, for a number of reasons, but mostly so I could be around my remaining family, which he thought might help me (and it did).

Had you been back to Santa Barbara before this recent trip? How was it?

Yes, twice...once for my best friend's bridal shower weekend, and once for her wedding. I was the Maid of Honor, and was busy and focused on her, so it wasn't too bad. (There were actually lots of parts of those trips that were really, really lovely.) But it was HARD to go back, mostly I think because this place I absolutely loved felt so definitively off limits...like I may as well have been dead too for all it was possible to ever be there again.

Were you scared about going this summer?

A little. Mostly because I promised my husband that if we went I would be happy and make it a fun trip. Although if I HAD gotten upset it would have been OK...my husband just wanted me going there with a good mindset. But I wasn't sure how realistic it was for me not to end up sad.

So how was it?

You know, a really big shift happened. It was totally different.

What happened?

The first night we were there, we decided to walk down to the Pier for dinner. Most of the restaurants on the pier are mediocre tourist traps, but the Santa Barbara Shellfish Company on the end is so good and a place I used to go all the time. In fact, a few days before my brother died, we tried to go to dinner there, but they had just closed for the evening (they keep really random hours). I always wondered after if we had told them it was the last dinner out we'd ever have together, if they would have let us in. But of course we didn't know...

Anyway, my husband and I started walking, it was a beautiful night, warm and humid and State Street's so cool with its shops and restaurants and eclectic mix of people. My husband and I were holding hands and he said out of the blue, "Would you ever want to move back here? If you wanted to move back here, we could make it happen."

And with those words, all the hurt and pain and angst I've been carrying around with me surrounding Santa Barbara was gone. Just gone. All of a sudden, it wasn't a place I had to will myself not to love because I was never allowed to be there again. Instead, it became just a place I happen not to be living in right now, but could move to in the future if I wanted to. Just to clarify, it wasn't like my husband was giving me permission (our relationship's not like that), but more that he reminded me/opened my eyes to what was possible, you know? And also, I don't know how much this plays into it, but time has gone by, and I have gotten better, I have a life for myself now, vs when I left Santa Barbara and pretty much couldn't see any sort of future for myself.

And it's so weird, but there's such a relief in the feeling that Santa Barbara and me, we can be friends again. I'm no longer in exile. I'm not saying we're going to move to Santa Barbara, but the fact that we COULD...that it's not permanently taken away from me...it's just a huge shift for me.

So you weren't sad at all while you were there?

Really, no. I mean, there are things I know not to do. I can't go by the house where my brother and I lived. I can't go by the intersection where my brother was killed. (It would have been nice to leave flowers there, but I know I can't handle it. Just writing about it is upsetting me.) But being in Santa Barbara felt very different this time around, and for that I am grateful.

So I do't know if I've explained this very well...it's kind of hard for me to talk about anything that's gone on around me losing my brother...I read it and it sounds so over-the-top and drama queen-y, you know? But that's how it's been and I'm just trying to tell it for real.

Oh, and PS, if we ever were to go back, I would never try to recreate what my brother and I had. I know that's not possible. It'd be a new start to a new life.

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!

XOXO

E 1/2 Road Farmer's Market

My mom lives just a little ways away from me (which is sooooo awesome), and she has the most AMAZING organic garden every summer. She's really generous about sharing her flowers and produce; we jokingly call it the "E 1/2 Road Farmer's Market." (The way roads are named around here is crazy...have you ever seen letters with fractions?)

A couple pictures from the garden tour my mom took me on this morning...squash blossoms and ladybug love...

XO

A Prayer and a Mantra

How cute is this picture my 8-year-old next door neighbor made me? She's adorable, and sooooo girly. It's so fun spending time with her...

Hi Everyone! 

Wanted to share with you today two things that keep going through my head, especially during sleepless nights (I have a pretty big problem with insomnia...often assuaged by a hot bath and/or Tylenol PM, neither of which I'm allowed at the moment...sigh...)

I'm not really very religious, but the first is a prayer I keep repeating over and over and over:

"God, please take care of me."

I talked with my dad about this the other day...he knows about this kind of thing...and he said that's a good prayer, vs asking for specific outcomes. It's helped me to feel better and continues to do so, with the stress that's still acommpanying this/these baby/ies...I'm actually pretty relaxed and positive at the moment, but I know all too well how things can go wrong...

The other thing I keep repeating to myself, kind of like a mantra, is something I read on the Happiness Project blog recently, and that is:

"Choose the Bigger Life,"

which to me means when deciding what to do/focus energy on, try to choose the things that will expand your existence.

Trying to have children (vs giving up on the hugely painful process that has been trying to get to a place with an actual live baby), for example, is choosing the bigger life.

So is making time to write (vs setting it aside which is so tempting when my days are busy, which is pretty much always).

So is dreaming big about what my husband and I really want to do next spring when he graduates from college (vs settling for what's safe and easy).

Anyway, those are some of the positive thoughts going through my brain these days (and let's focus on that for now, rather than the negative/scared things I'm thinking, shall we)?

Hope everyone has a fabulous Wednesday!

XO

Beta #2

Do you guys believe in stuff like Angel Cards? These are supposed to kind of tell your future...there is a deck of them with words like "Trust" and "Playfulness" and "Friendship" (with a book to help you interpret the meaning of the card), and I'll pull one out of the deck on occasion. Before I started this cycle I was shuffling the deck to pull one out...I see them almost as like a fortune...and I didn't even pick this one...it just kind of literally jumped out of the deck at me. Too cool...

Beta #2 is 1598 today...so everything is looking good. Now there's nothing to do but trust that all will be OK on our first ultrasound in a couple weeks...

XO

Newly Pregnant: What I'm Thinking

I'm not buying anything until the end of the first trimester, but a girl can dream, right? How cute would this Anthropologie poof be in a little girl's room?

Hi and Happy Monday!

Thanks everyone who has been stopping by and congratulating me...means a lot! My husband and I are sooooo excited! My mind has also been racing:

• First off, there is just this incredible feeling of relief and peace. I can't believe how lucky I am to be pregnant again
• I've been spending A LOT of time the past few months trying to imagine/plan our life how it will be without any children, scared not only that this cycle is not going to work, but that nothing is going to work for us (I'm always trying to prepare for the worst...a part of my personality I'm not particularly fond of). So it's a little weird to switch from that to the thought that we could very well end up with a heathy baby (or two) this spring
• I'm a little intimidated by the high number that is my first beta. There's a very real possibility of twins, which we can totally handle and will be thrilled with (and--bonus--we will probably be done with this infertility stuff forever), but one baby just seems so easy in comparison...two is a little overwhelming. Excited for the first ultrasound to see what happens
• I am so grateful to get this little bit of happiness...even if something goes wrong like my last pregnancy, to have some time to hope and be excited and happy about the idea of a baby is such a gift
• After losing our last baby at the very end of the first trimester, my husband and I said next time (if there was a next time) we would pretend nothing was happening until the first trimester was over (eg not talk about the baby etc), but that's already totally out the window. Even more than my own happiness and excitement, it makes me so incredibly happy to see the lightness and excitement in my husband, which has included talking about the baby/ies and touching/kissing my stomach a lot...we're both so excited...we can't just pretend nothing's happening like we had planned...and that's probably a good thing...
• If my last pregnancy is any indication, I have one or two weeks of feeling pretty normal before I get sick as a dog (I spent most of my last pregnancy in bed, which wasn't a huge deal since I work from home...still, not fun). But every pregnancy is different...hopefully this time I won't feel quite so bad...
• Thinking a lot about all the ladies out in the blogosphere still trying to have a baby...especially those who have recently received bad news. Sending so much love out to you all...all this infertility stuff can be so difficult and unfair...

Next beta tomorrow and then an ultrasound August 17 or 18...will keep you all posted!

XO

Image credit: Anthropologie.

Beta Results

So I got my beta results: 698 (over 5 is considered pregnant, my clinic wants to see this number over 50). Holy Moly, that seems high. Which I know could mean twins...

Can't believe it. So very, very grateful and happy right now...

XOXO

So Scared I'm Not Pregnant. And Feeling So Lost...

Woke up feeling really down and defeated this morning, and like I'm making up all these pregnancy symptoms I've been obsessing over all week...like it's all in my head. The worst part is I've been telling my husband about potential symptoms and he's excited...thinks that I'm probably pregnant and what if I'm not? What if I got his hopes up for no reason? Yeah, I'm tired (fell asleep on the couch before dinner last night), and thinking my sense of smell might be more sensitive, and my stomach's upset this morning (probably totally unrelated), but maybe I just want this so bad, I'm seeing symptoms where there aren't any.

I'm also having a total existential crisis (ongoing, but it's reared its ugly head this morning...of course this can't just be about whether I'm pregnant or not...that would be too easy.) I just feel so lost. I have really since my brother's death. What do you do when you've lost your best friend in the world and a whole life that you loved, one where we were young and we lived together and surfed every day and took care of each other and nothing truly bad had ever happened to us?

What does it all mean...you know...life?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Why can't I have something good and happy and life-affirming (eg, a baby) happen...why does everything have to be about death and loss and failure?*

The two week wait is awful...just want it to be over...

*My mom would have me add here that there is a lot of good in my life, and it's true. My husband, my family, my friends, money, health (except for this infertility thing), etc. But my brother's death, leaving California, not feeling like I'm doing anything worthwhile in my professional life, and especially right now our repeated failures to have a baby...I'm mean it's just been years of month after month after month of disappointment, plus a heartbreaking miscarriage and two chemical pregnancies that were honestly almost as bad...all this is really taking its toll...

Sorry...trying to be strong and brave...just can't rise to the occasion this morning...

I Feel Like I'm Pregnant...But That Scares Me... (And, of Course, Your Daily Dose of Anything that Could Possibly Be Interpreted as a Pregnancy Symptom)

A friend of mine sent me princess birthday candles last week...we used them on the cake my mom baked for my belated birthday dinner last night...too fun!

Two more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not.

My plan for Sunday is to go to my local blood draw lab early, get my blood drawn, wake up my husband a couple hours later, and then go together to the lab to get the results. (My clinic is out of town and really bad about calling me with results. Can't figure out if the lab is bad about sending them or my clinic is bad about receiving them. Once my clinic didn't even call with my beta results until the NEXT DAY...can you imagine? So I've made friends with everyone at my local lab and they happily hand over my results. Much less stressful than sitting by the phone all day waiting for a call that may not even come.)

Overall, I just kind of have this gut feeling that I'm pregnant. Which is great. Except when I HAVE been pregnant, I've been convinced that I'm not, so maybe it's a bad sign that I think that I am? Ah, the convoluted thinking that goes along with an IVF cycle...

As far as symptoms:

• Up twice last night to get a drink of water...yeah, definitely thirsty
• My husband says he thinks my boobs are bigger (although I'm not sure I agree)...but they do have really visible blue veins running underneath the surface, which I read somewhere is a pregnancy symptom, and I had this during the two week wait last cycle when I was pregnant. I'm also trying to decide if my boobs are starting to get more sensitive...maybe...but it's kind of hard to say...
• Again with the heavy feeling in my lower belly...like I'm going to get my period but I felt this when I was pregnant before (and it upset me because I was convinced that my cycle didn't work...but then it turned out that it had...)
• I keep waiting for some sort of implantation spotting, but there hasn't been any. You can be pregnant without implantation spotting, right?

I'll be blogging over the weekend...tomorrow with a symptom report and Sunday with my beta results. Cross your fingers for me!

XOXO

Image Credit: Target.

Living in the Moment (And the Ongoing 2WW Symptom Watch)

The roses in my garden are so beautiful this morning...

Hi and Happy Thursday!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who left comments and emailed me yesterday gently suggesting that I should try to live in the moment vs obsess about what I'll do if I'm not pregnant this cycle (especially since I've already got clear plans for our next step--another FET ASAP.) It was JUST what I needed to hear, and I have been/am planning a bunch of little things to keep me in the here-and-now...from last night's little retail therapy session (my new aviator sunglasses look so cool, and I can wear them even if I'm pregnant and huge), to washing and brushing our two dogs, to working on the purple-and-black-and-white 70s poncho I'm knitting (I'm having a total hippie/bohemian moment as far as clothes go lately), to a birthday dinner at my parents tonight, to getting some belated and about-to-happen wedding and birthday cards/gifts out to my friends, to sitting in rocking chairs in the shade with my husband playing a game of cribbage, etc. Doing all this stuff is good...it's helping me to feel better.

And, as far as things that could possibly be considered pregnancy symptoms:

• I've been tired (although my insomnia's back, so not sure if there's anything valid there) 
• And hungry
• And thirsty (had to get up in the middle of the night last night for a glass of water)
• Oh, and yesterday I was craving a burrito for lunch, and I clearly remember having a week or two when I was newly pregnant last time when all I wanted to eat was burritos
• Also little stomach cramps on and off yesterday
• And...I don't really know how to describe this...kind of an achy feeling in my belly...like you get when you're about to get your period, but I also remember having this feeling before when I was pregnant (although it could mean my period is on its way...who knows?)

Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta. Three more days to beta.

XO

What Happens if I'm Not Pregnant?

If we don't end up with children think of all the traveling we can do. We could even live abroad, which could be really cool. Bilbao, Spain is high on my list of places to see...

Four more days until I find out if I'm pregnant or not. It's starting to get hard. I've been thinking about the future...what we'll do if I'm not pregnant. My husband and I have talked in snippets about this, but this is really my list (not ours) at this point:

• We have some more frozen embryos, and I'd like to do another FET right away. After that I'm not sure what I've got left in me. I'd like to use up all our embryos, but I'm getting so worn down by this process. One thing is for sure: once the embryos are gone, we are DONE with medical interventions.
• Adopting an infant is a possibility. Adoption scares me though as I know almost nothing about it at this point. I'm totally fine with having a child that is not biologically related to us. I'm pretty fine about not going through a pregnancy (and I can definitely get to a place where I'm fine with it). I'm scared about the process and what it's going to take out of us emotionally. I'm scared of the wait, which from what I understand could be long. I don't really care the gender or race of the baby, or whether we do this domestically or internationally (although my gut preference is for domestic). I think if I knew more about the process I would be less scared, but I just don't feel like I can go through IVF and figure out adoption at the same time...
• Adopting an older child/children. This is something my husband and I have talked about a little. I think it would be great to adopt siblings. This feels like the easiest/best route, although it would be hard not to get to go through the younger stages of a child's life. And I know there are dangers with this...older children who get put up for adoption by definition haven't had an easy time of it. Are we equipped to handle it?
• Or, we could decide to be a family of two. There'd be so much more time and money to travel, for me to write, for us to build our dream house, for us to retire young, etc., etc., etc. Except I can't stop thinking we can do all those things with children. And, I don't know, I'm just having a hard time picturing my life without any children in it. But I'm really not sure anything else is going to be possible.

Ugh...I thought writing this would help me feel better--to look and see that I have choices--but instead, it just feels overwhelming. A little down today. Didn't sleep well last night. No pregnancy symptoms to report, really. I'm just feeling so exhausted and sad about all of this...

XO

Image credit: rahego.

What I'm Reading (And the Obsessive 2WW Symptom Watch)

I've read some really good books lately, after not being able to get into much of anything all spring. Here's what I've recently been reading (or in some cases, trying to read):

• Go Tell it on the Mountain, James Baldwin. The writing here is just spectacular. And the way the story was put together...sublime. It's about a black boy in Harlem in the early part of last century, flashing back to other adult family members and how they got to be where they got to be. It's also strongly about religion, a theme which I'm not that interested in, but again...the writing was so incredible...once I was done I wanted to start again right away.
• Half a Life, Darin Strauss. This is a memoir by a man who killed one of his classmates in an accident while he was in high school. It's a quick read...I was done within twenty-four hours. Again, incredible writing, and a really interesting construction, with snippets related to the accident told in chronological order but no real narrative like you generally think of books having. It absolutely works, though. This was incredibly sad but incredibly moving to read. The author is so incredibly honest, that's what I love most. It also gave me a solid idea of how to change the ending to something of my own I've written, where I've never really felt like the ending was quite right.
• The Collected Stores of F. Scott Fitzgerald. I read this book the summer after my Freshman year in college, when I was on the East coast living with a huge Italian family in New Jersey (one of my friends in the dorm had brought me home with her). A great summer, but talk about a culture shock! Loved the writing and the stories then, but could only get about halfway through this time...funny how things you read touch you differently at different points in your life...I think the characters just feel a little too young and frivilous to me now. One thing I thought was really funny...you know how everyone is saying with the Internet and cable and social media and video games kids/teenagers/young adults these days have no attention span? Well, Fitzgerald was saying the exact same thing about the youth of the 1920s...
• Elvis and Me, Priscilla Beaulieu Presley. I love Elvis. I spent a lot of time with my dad's parents growing up and my Grandpa played Elvis for me all the time, so it's such a nostalgic thing for me. This book read like a long US Weekly article...fun! Priscilla was so young when she met Elvis (she was 14, he in his early 20s, I believe). And he had such old-fashioned Southern ideas about a woman's place...that the world revolved around the man and the woman needed to do as she was told. My late father-in-law, whom I adored, by the way, had the same outlook on life...how my progressive, let's-do-everything-together-I-don't-mind-splitting-things-50/50 husband came out of that household, I'll never know
• Letters of E.B. White. These letters are lovely. This is a glimpse into a literary life, and a very egalitarian marriage. I'm only about halfway through...it's a very slow and quite book...I think I'll keep it on my bedside table and read a few letters at a time until I'm finished.

Anyone have any reading recommendations for my next stack of books?

And in other news, since I've decided to embrace obsessing about pregnancy symptoms, here's today's report:

• Oh, Lord, it was hard to get out of bed this morning. So tired. I got a pretty good night's sleep, too. Tired all day, actually, napping again this afternoon...
• Also so thirsty upon waking...but that could easily have been due to the huge hamburger my husband made me for dinner last night... 
• I have kind of this calm feeling that I'm pregnant...with this little undercurrent of knowing that it's certainly possible that I'm not...and I don't want to find out that I'm not...ugh, I am so incredibly tired of dealing with disappointment...

Hope everyone has a lovely Tuesday! :)

XOXO

HPT With IVF (And 2WW Symptom Watch)

Happy Monday Everyone!

So the question on my mind this week of course (because I'm in the 2 week wait [2WW] with my latest round of IVF) is whether or not to use a home pregnancy test (HPT).

Pros:

• You can potentially find out earlier than your blood test if you're pregnant, thus eliminating some of the pain of waiting
• You can have some control over the process

Cons:

• You can be pregnant and get a negative result
• The HPT coming up negative can cause severe emotional distress (at least it can for me)
• You have to deal with the disappointment of the negative HPT, and then the call from your doctor with bad news, instead of dealing with things just once

My second and maybe third (I can't really remember) IVFs I used HPTs. I was pregnant both times, but the tests always came back negative (the pregnancies were chemical pregnancies, though, which meant they weren't going to last...if I'd tested the time I got pregnant and didn't lose the baby right away, I probably would have gotten a positive result.) Each day I tested. Each day it came back negative. Each day I had a complete and total breakdown. I mean, sobbing and screaming on the bathroom floor, which couldn't have been good for the baby/ies, you know? I'm emotional to start with, but with the drugs on top of it...and how high the stakes were...

As tempting as the HPT is, I don't think I'm going to do it. I do better when I don't do it. But mostly, if there's a baby/ies in there, I want to protect them form me getting so upset. I can make it to Sunday.

All of you going through fertility treatments...what do you do as far as HPT? Am I the only one who can't deal?

In other news, let's obsess over possible pregnancy symptoms, shall we? My first 3 IVF cycles I wasn't blogging and didn't write anything down anywhere, and my last cycle I didn't really document as I was trying not to obsess. But now I wish I had a record of what symptoms appeared when. And so:

• Yesterday I felt some slight cramping/pinching in my abdomen...maybe implantation? (Yesterday was 2 days post transfer of what I think were 6-day embryos [possibly 5])
• And, I had to lay down and take a nap in the afternoon, which is not like me (and I've FINALLY started sleeping at night again, so it's not being tired from insomnia)

I know it's really too early for symptoms. Stay tuned...

XO

Transfer Today

A groggy, valium-y hello from the bed rest position! (My clinic gives you valium the day of the transfer, and requires 2 days of bed rest after.)

Two embryos thawed perfectly this morning, according to my RE. He said they looked great, and the transfer went really well.

Pregnancy test on 7/31.

Came home and ate lots of pineapple, just in case it helps with implantation.

Have slept most of the day.

Feeling really good about things.

And now, we wait.

XO

Dear Birthday Snowbabies

Dear Birthday Snowbabies (AKA the two frozen embryos that are being transferred tomorrow, two days after my birthday):

It's so weird to think that today may be the last day ever that you are not a tangible part of our lives. If this FET works, you'll be back with me tomorrow, and be meeting us as beautiful baby/ies next spring.

Please thaw.

Please stick around (so that an actual pregnancy is established, and next April-ish we have actual baby/ies).

We're so excited to have you in our lives. We've been trying to stay neutral after all the chemical pregnancies and the miscarriage we've been through, but it's hard not to get excited.

We've been talking about names.

Your daddy's been talking about how the fact that you've been in the freezer for the past 6 months means you're going to be immune to the cold (maybe little snowboarders are in our future? There's nothing I'd like more than to be up on the mountain with you. I'll show you all my secret spots.)

We've been discussing philosophical questions, such as if you end up being same-sex or identical twins, and we have two names picked out, how do we determine who gets which name when you're born?

I'm always hated having embryos outside my body...I want my babies with me...I will be soooo happy to have you back tomorrow. I hope none of this process has been traumatic for you.

Trust me, you want to come be with us. We're going to be such a good, happy family, have such a good, happy life.

XOXO

Love,

Your Mommy

Image Credit: AMagill.

It's My Birthday!

Yay! I love birthdays! 

This morning, my husband gave me the loveliest gift--the horseshoe necklace, above. It's tiny, tiny, tiny...the horseshoe is about half the size of the nail on my pinkie...perfect for me, as I don't generally wear flashy jewelry. We saw the necklace shopping in Seattle a few weeks ago...I tried it on and my husband shook his head and said, "Don't like it." So I put it back, and he secretly went back later and got it to surprise me. Love him...he does so awesome in the gift department. A good luck symbol is such a perfect gift right before our FET, too.

After that had a massage...lovely.

Then went to the bookstore and got a big stack of books (love going to the bookstore. And I'm going to need something to entertain me while on bedrest...a girl can only watch so many episodes of The Bachelorette, you know?)

And later, we're going to the Morrison Inn to have Mexican food with my brother, and then to Red Rocks Amphitheater (above) to see a local band and a screening of the movie Twilight. What's not to love about vampires that sparkle?

XOXO

Photo Credits: Twist; Red Rocks Online.

IVF: Keeping Track of Medications

Hi Everyone!

Today I thought I'd do a little post on how I keep track of all the medications I have to deal with during an IVF cycle. I'm sure there are lots of great ways to do this, but what's worked for me is making a table each week with each thing I need to take in the appropriate time slot (see above). I leave space for doctor's appointments and other things I need to note, too. I cross medications off as I take them, so I know I'm on schedule. (My big fear with IVF is that I'm going to do something wrong and screw up the whole cycle. This helps me make sure that I don't do that.)

Anyway, figured this might be helpful to someone...

In other news, feeling a bit better than I have been.

Also, had my hormone levels checked at my clinic yesterday, and everything looks perfect for Friday. :) Can't wait for Friday to get here...

XO

FET Update: Side Effects, Side Effects, And More Side Effects

Hi Everyone, and happy Monday!

Here's the latest:

• Lining check on Saturday and I'm told everything looks great! Yay! A doctor I've never met did the check (the on-call doc in my local OB's practice), and once she looked at my history she kept saying, "You're so brave. How have you managed to do all this and still keep your sanity? I could never do what you're doing." In some ways it felt good for all that I have done to be acknowledged, in other ways it just kind of feeds this fear I have that I'm kind of getting to my physical/emotional limit in terms of what I can do with medical interventions...have been feeling this very acutely over the past week or so...trying hard not to think beyond this current procedure...
• Blood draw this weekend too, and my estrogen is low. The patches I had Friday/Saturday weren't sticking great, though (never had that happen before), but I didn't get to explain that to anyone (communication with my clinic can be difficult, especially on the weekends), and they added oral estrogen so now I'm worried my estrogen will be too high as the patches I put on this morning (Sunday/Monday patches) are sticking great 
• Traveled to Denver area Sunday and will be here until after transfer/bed rest, returning home next Sunday. Staying with my brother a little ways up into the mountains, which is lovely
• I feel like I am just being bowled over by side effects this cycle. I've never done an FET, always fresh cycles, and I've never written down the details on how a cycle is going, but I just don't remember things being this bad in the past. In addition to the moodiness/irritability/anxiety I've been writing about, I'm also dealing with big-time insomnia (it's 3:30 AM as I write this, and I have a day full of conference calls tomorrow, plus a doctor's appointment at my clinic, which is an hour each way from my brother's, ugh...I SO need some sleep!) Headaches, too. Also joint pain that's been going on for a while...has anyone else had this happen? It's all over my body and it's so bad...I think it's a big part of the reason I can't sleep. I feel like a hot bath would help, but I'm not allowed to take baths. Tylenol may help, too, but I can't find any here at my brother's and am hesitant to take it anyway...need to ask my nurse about it tomorrow...

Anyway, sorry to complain (again)...hoping I'll start to feel better/more positive soon. Actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of what's going on is related to Lupron, which I finished with over the weekend...fingers crossed that once that's out of my body I'll start doing better...

Really Struggling

*WARNING* This is a very negative post..feel free to skip and check back on Monday, when I'll have news on how my lining check went over the weekend.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and relaxed during this cycle, but today I need to vent.

I feel terrible.

Physically just tired and heavy...I'm so sick of my body not being my own. In my break between the miscarriage and this cycle I lost some weight, but I didn't want to do any heavy-duty dieting as I wanted to make sure not to deplete my body of nutrients...if I don't get pregnant this cycle though I swear I'm going to really push to lose some weight...I mean right away...

Also not being able to hike or go to yoga is driving me crazy...feeling so cooped up.

And the physical challenges are nothing compared to what's going on emotionally. I'm SO touchy and cranky, don't want to be around anyone, don't want to do anything, am hating my job at the moment and my job is fine, am not able to concentrate and write. And my husband and I usually never fight, but when I'm on these drugs it's a struggle for both of us not to get angry with each other and I know it's because I'm acting crazy.

Like we were at the grocery store last night, and he didn't have any ideas for what to get for dinner and that made me so angry, which is ridiculous. I wanted to scream at him in the store:

"I'm on drugs! I need help! I need you to take care of me! How dare you expect me to figure out what to have for dinner!"

But thankfully, I refrained. Still, I was pouty, which made him annoyed, which made me even madder...you get the idea. We ended up back home ordering a pizza and letting it all go, but this sucks. Things like this never happen when we're leading our normal lives.

And I'm trying to get out (and feel really good when I do)...I have a few things planned for next week but generally don't want to see anyone because I feel so fat and moody and yuccy...

And then I'm not sleeping well, and there's just this constant hum of anxiety...

How do other people do this? I feel like I'm the only one falling apart like this.

I'm picturing comments in response to this post along the lines of: "You're so ungrateful. You're so lucky you get to do an FET. You don't deserve to be a mother because you aren't willing to make sacrifices for your baby."

But I will do anything to have a baby. Anything. I think the problem is this is my 5th time going through an IVF cycle and in my experience there's no baby associated with this...it's all for nothing.

I always thought the limiting factor in all this would be the money and the embryos we have for future FETs (we won't go through another full IVF cycle). Now I'm thinking my ability to handle all this emotionally may be what ends all this for us. I'm so tired and worn down from all this. Not sure how much more of this I can do.

Ugh...I'm not even to the two week wait yet.

Thanks for indulging me...

XO

A New Friend, Italian Food and the Sublime James McMurtry

An almost-full moon rising over the hills outside Paonia, Colorado.

So part of my strategy for dealing with the endless waiting associated with IVF is to plan some fun things vs spending all my time moping around the house. Last night, as part of that, we went to Hotchkiss and Paonia.

Hotchkiss was to visit with a new fried of ours (a lovely woman my husband met in film class last semester)...she lives in a little cottage with a view of mountains and sky, a wooden fence carved out in twigs and birds, a huge screened-in porch out back and a tiny cabin on the other side of a lush green lawn that if I lived there I'd turn into a writing studio. Plus the whole house is furnished with one-of-a-kind vintage everything, photographs, the picture she's currently painting on a easel...she had snacks for us and glasses of wine for my husband and it was lovely to be in her presence.

After, we drove the short distance to Paonia, which is a little hippie town at the base of the mountains that go up to Aspen. We had Italian food in an outdoor garden with hollyhocks and a burbling fountain, nicoise olives as dusk fell and then we went to the tiny Paradise Theater to see James McMurtry, whose music I've loved since I spent a couple years in Austin, Texas back in the '90s. He was at his best when it was just him and his red acoustic guitar, singing "Ruby and Carlos"...the whole place was just spellbound:

"Holding back the flood, just don't do no good

You can't unclench your teeth, to howl the way you should

So curl your lips around the taste of tears and hollow sounds

Than no one owns but you, no one owns but you."

There's so much pain in the world.

And so much beauty, too.