D&C Today

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the last 24 hours.

First of all, did not sleep a wink last night, just could not stop picturing my OB trying to get a heartbeat and failing, and then doing an ultrasound and saying, "I'm sorry, it's not good."

I can't get it out of my head that my OB might have been wrong, although I know that's just wishful thinking.

I don't understand how I could have had a dead baby inside me for 2 or 3 weeks and not have known.

I haven't really cried hard, it's more like I just start oozing tears for no reason. This has happened like 20 times today. I remember this happening in the days after my brother died, too, although that was mixed in with screaming crying fits, which isn't happening right now, mostly because I've got to hold it together for my husband, who's hurting as much or more than me.

Had the D&C today, which was pretty easy considering, except for the fact they had to try five or six times to get an IV in...I was cold and scared and shaking, crying and just generally a mess. But once that was done they gave me enough painkillers I don't really remember the rest and now I'm home resting and the discomfort is minimal.

My husband has been wonderful. He's so sad...breaks my heart. 

Friends and family have been wonderful.

I got to eat eggs over easy this morning, which I've really, really missed (no half-cooked eggs while you're pregnant).

I called in sick to work today but am going to try and work tomorrow.

Tylenol PM picked up at the drugstore a few hours ago is my plan to get some sleep tonight...hope it works.

And bottom line...God, we are just so incredibly sad. My heart is just broken. I can't believe we've got to go through more of this infertility crap before we end up with a baby (right now I just have to assume we're going to end up with a baby at the end of all this...otherwise I just can't function).

Why why why why why why why????

FAQ Fridays: Cupcake Royale

Mini cupcakes are the best!

Q: Why are you missing Cupcake Royale?

A: I miss Seattle’s great coffee shops in general--with their amazing coffee and hip décor--but Cupcake Royale stands out because they’ve also got yummy cupcakes!

Q: What’s your favorite Cupcake Royale location?

A: It’s kind of a tie between Madrona (which I love because I used to live in the neighborhood, although that was years before it was hip enough to have a cool cupcake store) and Ballard (another neighborhood I’ve spent a lot of time in).

Q: What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?

A: So boring, but vanilla with pink frosting. Yum.

Q: OMG, how cool is their copywriting?

A: Their copywriting is too cute. Here’s the sticker that they stick to boxes of cupcakes:

The Proper Care & Handling of a Cupcake Royale

Please don’t scare the cupcakes by tipping or shaking the box. For fresh and happy cupcakes, do not store in the refrigerator of leave them out in the sun. And for the love of home-baked goodness, do not wait to eat your delicious cupcakes – ENJOY THEM TODAY!

And the note on their glass display case in their West Seattle store:

Hey kids (and you uber-excited adults):

Thanks for not scaring the cupcakes by banging on the glass.

Q: What’s your perfect Cupcake Royale scenario?

A: A drizzly afternoon sitting on the couch they have in Madrona having cupcakes and lattes with my BFF.

Happy Friday, everyone! :)

Image Credit: Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake.

(Check out her blog HERE.)

Missing Seattle: Pike Place Market

Pike Place Market is right on the waterfront in downtown Seattle...love it there.

This is such a huge tourist spot, but locals actually go, or at least I did both times I lived in Seattle.

Back in the '90s, my lovely half-Italian roommate worked at one of the food shops here and made friends with the crab guys and would bring the three of us girls that lived together home fresh Dungeness crab and we'd melt a stick of butter and spread newspapers out on the living room's hardwood floor and feast. This happened all the time...it was wonderful.

More recently (four years ago), I lived in Queen Anne, which is right up the hill from the Market, and once a week or so I'd come down with my little red basket and buy vegetables and strawberries and fresh fish (although honestly, I like the fish market at the Fisherman's Terminal better, but that's another post). And the tulips this time of year, oh my. They grow them in Washington, you know, and the ones at Pike Place Market have the longest stems imaginable--they're like three times longer than normal. Those tulips were always one of the highlights of my week.

Image Credit: lucylu.

Lullaby Playlist

Anyone who's actually been to Graceland has to have Elvis on their baby's playlist, right? This is a close-up of the stained glass in Elvis' living room. My dad and I went to Graceland last summer--had a blast.

So my husband said the other day that he read somewhere that if you play music or sing songs to the baby before it's born, when it hears the same music after it's born it'll be soothed by it. 

"The baby can hear by Week 8," he said. "Maybe we should make a playlist," which has by now evolved into separate playlists because what he wants to play for/sing to the baby is different from me. (Although he's got some good ideas. "Journey, Don't Stop Believing," he says. I can respect that.)

This weekend, I made my lullaby playlist (which my husband says is too hippie chick, lol). I love making playlists. I tend to make one every three or four months, and listen to it pretty much exclusively. Then that music is so embedded in that particular time and place in my life...it's really interesting how music so quickly takes me back.

Anyway, I wanted to use music I already had (so no buying new songs). Below, the annotated list, in order of the year the original version of the song was released:

• Over the Rainbow, Willie Nelson (1939)--this song so reminds me of my childhood
• Young at Heart, Frank Sinatra (1953)--we listened to a lot of Frank Sinatra when I lived in Seattle right after college
• Love Is Here to Stay, Ella Fitzgerald (1956)--from my brother Luke's music collection
• (Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley (1957)--Elvis reminds me of my grandpa. Love him. Miss him
• Blackbird, The Beatles (1968)--God, I love the Beatles. I used to play this song on my guitar in the months after my brother died
• Your Song, Elton John (1970)--I'm sure I heard Elton John growing up, but what his music really reminds me of is college
• Rocky Mountain High, John Denver (1972)--my mom was a huge John Denver fan. I can sing entire albums start to finish. And every kid born in Colorado needs this on his/her playlist
• The Rainbow Connection,The Carpenters (1979)--again, a song from my childhood
• Old Pictures, The Judds (1987)--the Judds remind me of my dad for some reason, this song especially
• If I had a Boat, Lyle Lovett (1987)--I've always thought of this as a cute song for kids
• Take Me to a Place, Little Sister (1994)--a kind of obscure Austin, Texas band I saw live about a million times when I lived down there after Seattle. This might be my favorite song on the list
• Wonder, Natalie Merchant (1995)--these next three songs remind me of living in San Francisco, putting music on the stereo and going for a drive
• Heaven's Here on Earth, Tracy Chapman (1995)
• Dance With the Angels, Lisa Loeb (1997)
• Starfish, Sister Hazel (1997)--again, a song I've always thought of as a cute little kid's song
• How Do You Fall in Love, Alabama (1998)--so the baby will know how much his Mommy and Daddy love each other
• Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key, Billy Bragg and Wilco (1998)--this is such a great album...reminds me of driving to Burning Man with my lovely friend Chris the first year we both went
• Life Uncommon, Jewel (1998)--more songs that remind me of San Francisco...mixed in with driving to Santa Barbara to surf with my brother Luke, and then moving down there to live with him...
• The Lucky One, Alison Krauss (2001)
• Godspeed (Sweet Dreams), Dixie Chicks (2002)
• Nightingale, Norah Jones (2002)
• Blessed to be a Witness, Ben Harper (2003)
• Love Is Everywhere, Bob Schneider (2004)--another Austin musician I adore
• Wildflower, Sheryl Crow (2005)--this was on my iPOD on a long bus ride in Chile, down with a girlfriend of mine a few months after my brother Luke died. I sat in the back corner of the bus and sobbed. What an amazing trip that was, but I was just a wreck at the time
• Upside Down, Jack Johnson (2006)--A happy little Santa Barbara song...this reminds me so much of the 17-year-old who came to live with me after my brother died (long story for another time)
• Come Alive, Foo Fighters (2007)--oh, how I love the Foo Fighters. Need to see if there's an acoustic version of this song...might work a little better for lullaby purposes
• Umbrella, Rihanna (2007)--I wanted to have this be the song at our wedding (but we ended up having a really simple wedding where we didn't do that kind of thing). I love its message about standing together and helping each other through things
• Stars 4-Ever, Robyn (2010)--my best friend recommended this album to me...it makes me think of her...
• We Are Hot Dogs, Danielle Ate the Sandwich (2010)--again, a silly little kid's song is what I thought when I first heard this. And I love the refrain: "And I can't recall a feeling better than this."

Photo Credit: Growl Roar.

Wedding Shoes

So a lovely friend of mine is getting married in July and asked if I would give her shoe suggestions. Yay! I love weddings and I love shoes! Shoe shopping was a perfect little project for me today, too, as I'm pretty nauseous and tired and just want to rest vs get up and do anything. My friend's dress is strapless and white and long and very classic. She's getting married in a park in Southern California, so I was trying to keep practicality in mind, at least for some of my suggestions.

First the classic bridal shoe...you really can't go wrong here.

Kate Spade, $275

Some other options...like the idea of the wedge in the park, although not sure the ivory would work with the white dress. The shoe bottom left is a flat. And I'm really liking the idea of color...my friend and the setting are so bring and summery and happy. And every bride needs something blue...

J. Crew, $185

Kate Spade, $225

Badgly Mischka via Nordstrom, $215

Kate Spade via Nordstrom, $275

Some other options...I'm also really liking the idea of gray...

Badgley Mischka via Nordstrom, $119

BHLDN, $310

BHLDN, $310

J. Crew, $265

And finally, my idea of the perfect shoe for such a fun bride in the most lovely, summery setting. Unfortunately, at over $700 I’m sure this would blow the budget (and stilettos in grass: not the most practical), but I couldn’t resist including.

Manolo Blahnik via Nordstrom, $775

So there you go, miss Jewels! Hope you find something to fall in love with!

XO

Digital Frames: Cottage Arts.

Las Vegas: One Last Look

Just got home from our trip but wanted to share one last picture before returning to regularly scheduled programming.

There's a place off Tropicana called the Pinball Hall of Fame that we sometimes go to when we're in Vegas. $5 worth of quarters lasts a lot longer there and is a heck of a lot more fun in my opinion than that money spent on slot machines at the casinos.

The Pinball Hall of Fame is essentially a big warehouse with hundreds of pinball machines that you can play. Some of them are really old...the graphics and kitsch factor are great. But the one I always make sure to play is Big Brave, because very good friends of mine in San Francisco used to have the same machine in their Marina flat dining room, and we'd always play when over for dinner, drinks etc. Lovely people and we has so many years of fun evenings together. Miss those friends. Miss those days.

Facebook--Love It or Hate It?

First off, let me tell you what I love about Facebook:

1)    I love that it’s let me reconnect with a TON of people that may have been lost from my life forever

2)    I love that my friends are easy to keep tabs on…you can get a pretty good idea what’s going on in their lives by visiting their Facebook pages

3)    It’s also a quick and easy way to tell people hi or happy birthday or congratulations etc

I’m glad Facebook is there. I don’t want to get rid of my Facebook account.

But.

I don’t go on Facebook very often.

First of all, my friends are all over the country, and it makes me miss them. Terribly. And wish I’d lived the sort of life where everybody didn’t end up so scattered.

Then, I get envious, which is my worst personality trait, hands down. I think what it is is that I just miss people and places and things that I had in the past so very much…it’s hard to be reminded of those things. Like living in California. Seattle. Austin. Surfing. Snowboarding. Having my brother alive. Being super young and still having so much time to make choices and figure things out. Etc.

I’m also envious of things that I want that have not been easy to get. Like kids--I’m especially envious of ex-boyfriends who got girls pregnant accidentally, which is ridiculous because that’s not an ideal situation for anyone involved (although in the end there’s so much love for those kids…)

And there’s no reason for all this envy. I have a good life. I’m going to have a baby. I’m not that old. I snowboarded like crazy last year, probably more than any of my friends--had so many epic days and I’ll snowboard again. Ugh.

Also: No one struggles on Facebook. It’s just not the medium to talk about the troubles you’re having…thus, it presents this kind of skewed view of the world where everyone’s life is shiny and perfect. My life is not shiny and perfect, and it’s hard to see everyone else looking like that. (Not that I wish any sort of misery on my friends…it’s just good to know that you’re not alone in your struggles in this world, you know?)

Bottom line: I generally feel worse after going on Facebook than before. And I’m trying not to do things that make me feel bad.

Wish there was a way to use Facebook that didn’t make me feel so very sad…

Image credit: rafeejewell

Friendship + Glitter

Seriously...how cheerful is red glitter?I have a lovely friend from back when I lived in Santa Barbara who is in the habit of occasionally sending little presents, just because she is thinking of you. It's so charming, and whenever I get a package from her, it totally makes my day. Last week: ruby red glitter. 

"Miss Kristen," she writes, in her pretty cursive with hearts as dots over the "i"s.

She said the glitter made her think of me and smile.

There have been so many days in the past few years where I don't feel like the kind of person glitter would remind someone of. It's so very wonderful to know that's not necessarily the case.

Starting to feel more like happy red glitter these days. Sweet gifts from my friends (and there have been lots) help that along. :)

IVF Interviews (cont.): Sam

Sam lives in Florida, and is one of my dearest friends. We lived together in Seattle in our early 20s…I have such lovely memories of that time. Sam went through the whole infertility/IVF thing before me, and she’s the one I turned to for advice, the best of which was to research clinics and pick the one with the best success rates. I wouldn't have thought of doing that, and even though I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, at least I have the peace of mind that I’m at one of the best possible clinics and thus doing everything I possibly can to make this thing work.

Sam jokes that she was on the “buy one, get one free” plan, as she had a son via IVF, and then a few years later got pregnant naturally with her beautiful daughter, who was born just days ago. She is so amazing with her kids, too…they are lucky little ones.

Thanks, Sam, for doing this interview, and I can’t wait to come to Florida to meet your gorgeous girl! So happy for you! XOXO

1.    Hi Sam! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)

At age 31 we decided to start trying to conceive. After 6 months we started to worry and went to my obgyn for help. He started us on clomid, upped the dose here and there to no avail. We decided to go see an RE to search for other interventions. We did 2 rounds of inseminations and then were sucessful with our first IVF cycle.

2.    How did you pick your clinic?

I did initial research online and found the best way to pick a clinic by searching CDC website for fertility clinic success rates. We ended up choosing the clinic that had the highest IVF success rates within our area. The RE was an amazing scientist with absolutely no personality or bedside manner but we didnt let that bother us because we knew he knew his science!

3.    How did you stay sane through the process?

I am a pretty positive person but through this process...from the beginning I had so many letdowns that I went into the clinic not expecting it to work. Therefore I wouldnt be so disappointed when it didn't. After all.....40% success rates didnt sound so great to me, but we had to try!

4.    What did you do as far as being good to yourself?

It was hard with so much failure...but I just tried to go about business as usual. Not get weary of all the long 2 hour drives back and forth to the clinic in Orlando. I promised myself not to complain and hopefully I would get my wish.

5.    Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?

We did pretty well. I didn't have too many mood swings or get too upset. My husband was very supportive and involved. We tried to keep things light and comical to stay sane through the process. Telling the stories to close freinds about the process can be funny from the guy's perspective if you catch my drift!

6.    Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?

I absolutely peed on a stick on day 10. I'm not one for surprises and couldn't wait. Luckily it was good news for us! The wait was definitely hard though....I tried to put it out of my mind.

7.    Having been through it, what would you do differently?

Maybe I would not have rushed into the big guns so soon. Maybe I would have tried more stress-reducing techniques...more yoga....meditation....prior to going for IVF. I truly think my infertility was stress based. i was only 35....I could have given it a little more time to try to make it happen naturally.

8.    What’s it like when it’s all over?

The pregnancy was fine but the medical field deems IVF as a high risk pregnancy which bothered me a bit. I would have liked to just been a "regular pregnant chick." But the medical field made me feel at risk and unsafe... But in the end it was worth it all! My son is wonderful.

9.    How has this process changed you?

i am very appreciative of my ability to conceive and my child. He is my world and I feel so fortunate to have him.

10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?

Again...being ever thankful for the little things in life. Also....somehow I managed to get pregnant 4 years later the old fashioned way! I just had my daughter Uma a couple weeks ago. Amazing gift!

11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?

Keep your chin up, know that there is always another option after this one if it doesn't go the way you hope. Know your limits both financially and emotionally and stick to them. Stay close to your partner and support each other.

12. Anything else? Last words?

I wish everyone going through infertility to achieve their dreams. i know a lot of people who have been through it and most of them have been succesful. Be positive and realistic of your goal. Yet, make sure you have a safety net if things don't go the way you'd like them to go. 

Transfer/Post-Transfer

So we transferred two embryos yesterday. The transfer was kind of a blur because they give you valium, but the doctor said the embryos were "early"...not really sure what that means but he said it made our chances for success a little lower, but not by too much. Also, the transfer hurt A LOT...the doctor said something about there being a kink in my cervix...the pain had me a little worried...hopefully it won't impact the implantation process! The transfers I had last year didn't hurt at all...

My clinic has me on bedrest until tomorrow morning...slept most of yesterday and have been watching movies and bad TV (Jersey Shore, for instance. Wow, that show is BAD. Or maybe I'm just too old to appreciate it.) I'm staying with a dear friend of mine and she is taking such good care of me...she even read up on what foods are good to help with implantation and is making sure I get servings of each (pineapple, walnuts, sweet potatoes, etc.)

AND we got a call from the clinic today that there are embryos left over that are good enough to freeze...I've never had that happen before so I am so excited. If this transfer doesn't work out it's not the end of the line for us, you know? That is such a relief.

Home tomorrow (assuming I can make it over the passes...Colorado is being hit crazy-hard with snow).

Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts and good wishes! 

Out-of-Town Fertility Clinic

Going to try and make this Denver trip a good one, even though the last thing I want to do right now is travel.

I'm going to Denver next week for two weeks, as we're in the middle of a fertility cycle and my clinic's out of town (we live on the other side of Colorado).

Having to travel for treatment complicates an already difficult situation. I was feeling really overwhelmed this past week trying to figure everything out--where am I going to stay, who's going to be with me when I need someone at the clinic (my husband's in college and can't really miss class so I'm doing the trip by myself), how are we going to get my husband there on retrieval day for his "donation", who's going to give me shots (I am a total baby with needles and have yet to give myself even one), are the passes going to be OK or will there be a ton of snow making driving difficult/impossible, how am I going to deal with missing my husband, etc. This is on top of all the normal stuff everyone has to deal with, such as having to take time off work for all the appointments etc. and trying to keep emotionally calm while doing something with such high stakes while all hopped up on hormones.

It'd probably do me good to focus on the positives of the situation:

1) I am so lucky that I get to go to my clinic, which one of the best in the world

2) My brother lives about an hour outside Denver, up in the mountains, and I can stay with him vs having to spend two weeks in a hotel

3) I telecommute for work, so there's no need to take all this time off

I'm grateful for these small blessings.

I think the best thing to do is to try and really enjoy this time as much as possible, and also make it as easy on myself as possible. There are so many friends that I want to see (I grew up and went to college in the area) that I'm not going to schedule things with, because I don't think running all over Denver/Boulder/the Front Range while not feeling so great and trying to keep all my medical appointments and working is such a great idea.

But I can see my brother, and a couple really close friends. Do some city things that I miss in my small town (good restaurants, boutiques, the art museum, etc.) And I get to have some days resting in bed, which I never do so I'm kind of looking forward to it.

It's all going to be good. And hopefully at the end I'm pregnant and can do for a while what I really want to do: stay home. :)

Image credit: Ishmael Orendain.

My Dream Life, Part 5 of 5: The Coffee Shop (or Alpaca Ranch)

A coffee shop with friends would be so fun!

(See also parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.)

My dream life with my best friend involves this:

We all move back to California and buy and run a coffee shop, something along the lines of Reds in Santa Barbara (which sadly no longer exists as a coffee shop. But my SB friends will know what I'm talking about.) She and I will decorate it super cute, and she knows how to make coffee. Charlie, an old roommate of ours, will make the muffins and her husband is an accountant and can do the books and my husband is handy and can fix things. We'll have a passel of kids and dogs that everyone'll take turns watching and we'll go to the beach in the afternoons and barbeque at nights and it'll just be dreamy.

A variation of this dream originated with my husband's good friend in Florida, who had it in his head that he wanted alpacas. My husband and I were scheming about how we could buy a big ranch in southern Colorado, the San Juans which are so lovely, and raise alpacas. The ranch would have lots of little houses scattered over it so our friends could all live there with us. My best friend loves animals, so I know she'd be in. Someone would get a pilot's licence so we could make trips to the city. Maybe it'd even have a hill out back we could put in a tow rope and have our own little snowboarding mountain.

And then we found out what alpacas cost. Don't know how realistic a herd of alpacas is, unless one of us wins the lottery.

Don't know if any of this will ever come true. But it's fun to dream. :)

Image credit: Rahim Packir Saibo

"Up in the Air"

Great movie, watched it for the second time last night and there are a couple of lines in it that I think are really profound.

First:

The movie's about a guy who flies around the country and fires people for a living, and he has the following exchange with someone he's firing, trying to show the guy he's firing that being let go from a boring corporate job is not necessarily the worst thing in the world (this is the rough exchange, not a direct quote):

Fire-er: Do you know why kids love athletes?

Fire-ee: No.

Fire-er: Because they followed their dreams. How much did they pay you to first come to work here and give up your dream?

I think it's so sad and so common...so many, many people give up their dreams to go into a respectable corporate career, me included. For me personally, I don't think it makes sense today to totally give up my corporate job, but I can work a lot less hours, and spend a lot more time focused on things I love.

Second:

Same guy is home for his sister's wedding. The groom has cold feet and the brother goes in to talk to him. The thing that he says that makes the groom realize it's going to be OK to get married is something along the lines of:

"Think back to your best memories, the days and times that you really treasure. Were you alone in those memories, or were you with other people?"

The answer of course is, other people, or at least it is unreservedly with me.

I've been thinking about that line since I first saw the movie, and since last night in a slightly different context. I'm in the middle of my 4th and last IVF cycle, and my husband will not be able to be with me for the transfer as he's in college, we need him to miss as little school as possible (our clinic's out of town). My mom would be the logical second choice, but she's in Costa Rica 'til March. So I've been thinking, do I ask a friend to come be with me, or do I go through it alone? Now I know the answer. I have a lovely friend in Denver I'm going to ask... 

Grief: Does it Ever Get Better?

Luke on our last Baja surf trip, just before lighting the evening's fire. He died April 29, 2005 at age 27.

So I lived with my little brother in Santa Barbara, CA, in a little stucco house on the hill we called “The Cota House.” He was killed five years ago, a Friday evening in a motorcycle accident, coming home for a barbecue before we and a bunch of friends went to Ventura to see his band play. He was my best friend, and, when he died, the person I was spending all my time with. My day-to-day life was catastrophically disrupted.

The first few years were absolutely horrible. Lately, I can’t pinpoint exactly when, I’ve been feeling a little better. It’s taken so long to get to this point. I’m starting to feel like his death won’t destroy me. I’m trying hard to build a new life for myself. It’s complicated because it wasn’t just losing him--I also feel like when he died, my whole world got taken away from me. I loved Santa Barbara, loved the beach, loved to surf, and life had it’s challenges for sure but overall the set-up we had, it was pretty idyllic. None of that’s part of my life any longer and that in itself is so, so hard.

The way I generally cope with my brother’s death is to try not to think about it. Pretend it didn’t happen. But once in a while (well, often, if I’m honest) things happen that make it rise to the surface. Like yesterday evening an email inviting me to a bachelorette party for a friend who was there for me those first days and weeks and months. Her party’s the day after my brother’s death date. I’m going to go if I can because I love her and I really believe in celebrating every little thing you can in life, but I wonder how I’m going to be. And reading the paper this morning, I happened across an article that said Prince William's wedding will be held the day of my brother’s death. I’m really sensitive to dates, not just the day my brother died but the days right around that, I have such crystal-clear memories of everything that happened. Seeing those dates the pain comes back and it’s raw and awful, like no time has gone by at all.

I know time has healed me, at least to some extent. But sometimes I wonder if my brother’s death didn’t permanently break me in some very fundamental way.

In the end, I look at it this way. There are two choices: suicide, or to get up every morning and try to make the day a good one. Suicide is absolutely not an option for me, never was. So I get up each day and  try.

Some days are harder than others. I’m feeling edgy today. But I have a lot of good and happy things planned for this lovely Sunday--finishing Christmas gifts for people I love, packing for my long-delayed honeymoon trip to Europe (we got married two years ago, leave Thursday), taking my dad to the airport, making my husband (a third-year engineering student) and the guys he’s studying for finals with chicken tacos for dinner so they can concentrate on thermodynamics or fluids or electronics or whatever they’re doing.

I pray for some happiness and peace today, as I do every day. We’ll see how the day pans out.

Striped Baby Blanket

A blanket for little Uma.

A very dear friend of mine from Seattle days is having a little girl. She lives in Florida and her colors for the baby's room are pistachio and robin's egg blue. I knit her this blanket with multiple stripes up and down the length...it was so fun to knit, even though it didn't turn out exactly as expected...the blue stripes shrunk in the wash. I'm still a beginning knitter...I'll learn. Anyway, as my husband says of things that are homemade and aren't perfect: it's a blanket made with love.

Sometimes I Just Love My Job

The bedding that's on my bed was a wedding present from my friend Wendy. Love, love, love it.

I freelance from home, and it's almost always 9–5 in my office (or, more accurately, 7–5, with maybe a break for something fun in the middle). But I've been working extremely hard this week getting ready to go out of town, and woke up this morning feeling very run down. So I'm working in bed, and it's so lovely, lovely, lovely. I have a lot of gratitude for the little perks of my job like this one, even if I don't take advantage of it very often.

What I'm Listening To: Robyn's Body Talk

So my best friend has this cool job in the music business, and one of the benefits of that for me is I get recommendations. One of her latest: Robyn's Body Talk.

“I can’t stop listening to this album,” my friend said to me, and I feel the same way. How is it that I’ve never heard of Robyn? The album: dance-y and pop-y and so very happy. I’ve been listening to it this weekend making Christmas presents, running errands.

The artist herself is interesting, too. She’s been in the music business a long time, and I love that she left her label when they didn’t approve of what she was doing artistically, and has since been releasing her music on her own, so she can do anything she wants to do. Artistic freedom/integrity is something I think about a lot with my writing. It’d be easy to turn to very commercial projects, get them published. Even this blog--I know I could put together a different kind of blog that’s very commercial, if I was trying to get an enormous readership or make money. But my creative projects, I want to do them the way I want to do them, stay true to my vision vs letting somebody else/the obvious money-making needs and wants of the marketplace dictate what I do. I love seeing other people follow that same path (and be successful at it--that’s inspiring.)

Love Robyn’s artistic vision. Body Talk's definitely worth checking out.

An Ex-Boyfriend Contacted Me Through Facebook

My ex-boyfriends generally fall into two categories: those I’m friendly with, and those who don’t want to talk to me. One of the ones I though was in the latter camp sent me a message over the weekend, out of the blue after about 6 years.

He’s actually the last person I seriously dated before I met my husband. I’m sure his version of why we broke up is probably different, but my version is I was still in love with someone else, and didn’t really want a serious boyfriend, and he wanted to get married and have kids. Not necessarily to/with me, but that was his goal.

Anyway, really nice message, and his picture shows him with a baby so I assume he got the marriage and kids part figured out, which is great. Happy for him. And I’m glad we can be in contact, even though I’m sure it’ll be very sporadic. I hate losing anyone to the past.

But. Ex-boyfriends popping up make me feel unsettled. It’s got me thinking about that time in my past--things were complicated back then but they are infinitely more complicated now. I’ve lived through a lot since we dated, things I don’t necessarily want to talk about in a catching-up conversation with an ex-boyfriend. I feel a lot like I can’t really talk about how things have been. It’s too heavy. So I give the cheery “got married, still doing the same job, living in Colorado now, snowboard season’s going to rock, all’s well” reply, instead of “since we last talked my brother’s been killed, I’ve had to leave California and the ocean and I’ve been to hell and back trying to have a baby and we’re nowhere near through yet.”

And I feel more isolated than ever.

Some Good Things That Happened Over the Thanksgiving Holiday

Ugh. Sick on a holiday's the worst. Grateful it wasn't anything serious.

1. Driving over to Colorado’s front range where my brother lives, stopped in Rifle for drive-through Starbucks. When we got to the window the pretty blonde said, “No charge. The people in the black truck in front of you asked how much your order was and paid your bill.” I’ve heard of stuff like that happening, but it’s never happened to me. Totally made my day.
2. I had a urinary tract infection (UTI) in San Francisco early this month, had it treated when I got home but it was back with a vengeance Thanksgiving morning. My first personal experience with resistant bacteria. Wow that hurt and of course everywhere (doctor’s offices, urgent care centers) was closed. But my dad went to the store and got me cranberry juice and painkillers (I had never heard of Azo; it’s amazing) and my mom and husband figured out where to take me to get a prescription. Ended up with my husband in the ER at Swedish Hospital in Denver, they were so nice, tested me and said my white blood cell count was off the charts (“too many to count,”) got me all fixed up. So grateful for all the help.
3. Once I was back at my brothers and feeling better, my mom helped me with the somewhat labor-intensive table decorations I’ve been so excited about and didn’t have the energy to do on my own. Turned out super rustic and cute.
4. Playing Cranium with lots of relatives and friends. Haven’t played since I spent a week in the Florida Keys with my lovely friend Sam, where we played every night. So fun. So good to laugh.
5. Thanksgiving’s usually a pretty traumatic holiday missing my brother who died (we spent many Thanksgivings together just the two of us out in California), but it wasn’t so bad this year. I think my tears early in the day over the pain of the UTI and frustration of trying to find a way to get treated also included some for my brother. After that, the rest of the day I was really OK. Grateful for that. Holidays can be so hard.

Fertility doctor appointments today. Home tomorrow. It’s been a good trip. 

Photo Credit: Taber Andrew Bain

Interesting Reading This Week

Something else I've read recently that's sticking with me:

"When I lived in the present moment with you, noticing what was happening in that moment, I felt great joy. When my mind went to the past and what I had lost, I felt pain. When my mind went to the future and what I longed for, I felt pain then too.

"So many of us grown-ups suffer because we are trying to live the life we once had or the life we wish for. You reminded me that day that life is much sweeter when we live the life we have."

--Daniel Gottlieb, Letters to Sam