Grace in Small Things, November 1, 2011

This church, Saints Peter and Paul in San Francisco, features prominently in what I was writing today. Isn't it beautiful?

1. Blew off work today (I've been working some on the weekends the past couple weeks, so I felt justified) and wrote essentially all day. Have a headache now, but it was so worth it. I'm writing a lot about San Francisco these days, and today I worked on a piece about the murder I witnessed while I was living there (awful), and the last guy I dated before I moved away (sweet). (The two are intertwined in a weird way.) All this stuff about San Francisco...these are things I've been trying to write for years...feels good to have parts of it at least finally coming together...

2. My mom came over and we went for a walk and had such a nice talk about things that really matter...

3. Texted back-and-forth with a dear friend of mine who didn't know about my blog until today. Hi Stacey! So happy you're my newest reader! :)

4. Windy this afternoon and the golden leaves are fluttering down outside my office window...almost like falling snow...lovely

5. Talked with my biggest client some more about maternity leave...we'd talked in broad strokes before about what I want (3 months off, then working part time, and no more crazy-long work weeks...I'm going to have to be more protective of my time), but today we got more into the nitty-gritty of how it's going to work. Everything is falling nicely into place

In fact, that's how I feel about life in general today...everything's falling into place. It's such a good feeling...

XOXO

Image Credit: The Dana Files.

Pregnancy: Week 16

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday (and Happy Halloween)!

So I'm 17 weeks pregnant today! Yay! Here's how the past week has been:

• Nausea, still really bad and 24/7. I'm not even sure how much good the Zofran is doing, although I'm not taking it every 8 hours as prescribed but instead waiting until I feel bad to take one...probably not the best strategy. I'm feeling down about how sick I still am. Is it ever going to get any better? Or am I going to be one of those women who is sick through the whole pregnancy?
• Eating well and gaining weight...very healthy food for the most part, minus some birthday cake last week and the occasional glass of Gatorade, which is the best thing for settling my stomach. My mom brought me a bunch of healthy stuff over the weekend (thanks, mom!)...makes eating well so easy...
• I haven't felt the babies move yet...maybe this week?
• I've spent a lot of the past week feeling stretched from the inside. It doesn't hurt but it's not the most pleasant thing, either. It's not constant, but will start and will go on for a few hours at a time
• Achy joints
• Not sleeping great because of the joint thing, the stretching, the nausea
• And have I mentioned the *ahem* embarrassing parts of being pregnant? Like my gums bleeding like crazy when I brush my teeth. Hair all over my belly. (Weird.) Peeing a little whenever I sneeze (or puke)...yeah...lovely...

And all of the above sounds like so many complaints, and I AM finding pregnancy very challenging physically, but I am also so happy and excited to be pregnant...so grateful...and it's possible we'll try to have a third child, but there's also a very good chance this is it for me, so trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Due Date

I should have known something was wrong when I started getting upset this morning for no reason. I mean, I have annoying conference calls all the time. And my email suddenly isn't working, but that's no big deal. That's fixable. Like my dad says, if you can throw money at it and fix it, it isn't a problem.

Driving over to my Mom and Dad's for lunch, I started bawling...I mean, not just a few tears, but a full-on breakdown. And then I knew what was wrong.

The baby I miscarried in April, she was supposed to be born right about today.

I try not to think about what happened last spring with the miscarriage, and maybe that's a mistake. Subconsciously, I know. It sneaks up on me. And it hurts so much.

It's days like this I feel like everything I've been through has broken me beyond repair. I just get so scared. I try so hard to have everything be OK and to count my blessings and move forward, but sometimes I  just feel like I can't bear all that has been given to me.

But what is there to do, except keep getting up every morning and try?

And I WILL have babies...or I hope that I will. There are two babies growing inside me, but I've been scared, especially these past few weeks, that something is going to happen to them. I'll just start crying about it for no reason, telling my husband I don't think I have the strength to try again if something happens. And I've been having very vivid miscarriage dreams.

Deep breaths. I'm sure everything is going to look better tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.

XOXO

Image credit: Fighunt via Etsy.

Why Is it So Hard for Me to Be OK With My Flaws?

Hi Everyone!

First off, those of you who have been getting my blog via a reader...it seems everyone got kicked off in the past week or so, so please resubscribe if you'd like to keep reading. Thanks and sorry for the hassle! :)

So, I was reading an essay today, out of Charles Baxter's book "Burning Down the House: Essays on Fiction," and came across the following (the writer is talking about how at funerals everyone just says good stuff about the person who has died):

"My problem was that I hadn't known the deceased well enough to know his failings--those features by which I might have identified with him--and the litany of praise only managed to distance him from me. I wanted a recital of his failures and oddities..."

He also wrote: "You don't cry at a funeral unless you have had the time to know the person who has died and to know that person in success as well as failure." 

This is something I think about sometimes. I love people for their flaws...their "oddities and failures"...to me it's what makes them interesting and quirky and human. Someone who looks and acts like they have the perfect life, I either barely know them or they are so foreign to me...I have so many flaws, I need other flawed (read: real) people to relate to, you know?

I am so open to and accepting of flaws in other people. But in myself? Not so much. In myself, I feel like flaws are something to be irradiated, hated, riled and fought against. I am not at all accepting of them, and I have lots. What comes to mind today:

• So emotional
• And sooooooooo sentimental, I get attached to/miss people and places and things with so much intensity, it is not healthy
• And I work too much
• And wish I was going to be a younger mother, but there's nothing to be done about that. Actually, I wish my body hadn't failed me so miserably in the reproductive department...that's what this one comes down to...
• I wish I could cook better...my husband is a great cook and essentially thinks I suck at it (although he does let me assist him)...which doesn't go along with my dreams of being the perfect housewife but oh, well
• My best friend dresses so much cuter than me
• I am not as good/strong/fast/risk-taking of a surfer/snowboarder as I want to be (although I AM pretty good [or used to be]...there's just always someone better than me)
• I don't really pursue my professional dreams, instead just stick with what's safe/easy
• I married my first husband for all the wrong reasons and what a disaster that turned out to be. Plus I wish I'd never been divorced
• Etc. Etc. Etc.

I don't know if it's just human nature to fight against your flaws. But a lot of what I hate are things I can't change. Some things I can change and maybe I can/should work on them. But I'm always going to have flaws.

I guess the question is how to embrace those flaws and be OK with them, you know? I am who I am, and I know there is a lot of good in me too, as there is in all my friends, whose flaws I love as they are what makes them human--what helps me, as Charles Baxter says, identify with them.

To go off on a slightly different tangent, I think this is what's behind why I love blogs so much...you get to meet people, flaws and all, whereas IRL everyone is generally just putting their best face forward...

What do you all think? How do you come to a place where you are OK with the parts of yourself that aren't so great?

XOXO

Bonding With Babies While Pregnant

This is one of the books I bought recently to read to the babies. There are a lot of cute books out there, but a lot of annoying ones too...need to be careful to get books I like as I'm sure I'm going to be reading them a zillion times. :)

Hi Everyone!

Apologies for not blogging yesterday...work deadlines + my mom's birthday = no time.

Also, those of you who have had my posts going to a reader, something seems to have gotten messed up...not quite sure what happened and apologies...please subscribe again if you'd like to continue reading. :) Ugh..technology is sometimes NOT my friend!

Anyway, on to today's topic.

So obstensibly I have two healthy babies growing away inside me, and I am trying hard to let go of the fear that something is going to happen to them (and generally doing pretty well at that). 

In the first trimester, I spent a lot of time and energy NOT getting attached to them, just in case something happened, you know? The less I felt for them, the better.

But now that I'm in my second trimester, I want to trust that all is going to be OK, and I want to stop actively trying NOT to get attached, and start bonding.

I think naming them is going to help (kind of working on that, although not very hard).

I've heard reading to them and singing to them can help. (Apparently right about now they can start to hear. Been doing a little of it and it's fun.)

Maybe making some actual baby purchases? (We haven't done that yet, aside from a few books.)

Talking to them? (My husband and I both put our hands on my belly and say, "Hey, babies," a lot, but beyond that, I feel silly talking to them. They are still such an abstract concept in my mind...)

Writing them little letters (like I did once when they were still in the freezer)?

What else? Anyone have any suggestions?

XOXO

Image Credit: Pigeon Presents.

Pregnancy: Week 15

Hi Everyone!

So, 16 weeks today. :) Apparently starting this week the babies are going to grow like crazy, and I could start feeling them move at any time. Yay! Cannot wait for that!

Here's how the past week has gone:

• Still not feeling very well. Tried to stop the Zofran and the nausea came back full force. Also headaches, maybe one every other day
• Not sleeping well at night all of a sudden. Can't get to sleep and/or am up at 3 or 4 AM for a few hours. Have been napping (or trying to) during the day as a result
• Weight gain is right on track (I'm trying for 20 lbs. in 20 weeks). Boobs and belly just keep getting bigger. I look pretty unmistakably pregnant these days
• Started thinking about names...coming up with names both my husband and I love is going to be hard. (Fun, but hard)
• Nesting has begun! I haven't gotten anything for the babies yet, but we did a lot to clean/organize the house yesterday and got new bedding for our room and the guest room...it felt so good to get some things done around the house. Laundry, for instance, has been piled on top of the dryer for months and is now all finally put away. I need to tackle these things on days when I don't feel so sick...feels so good to live with organization vs chaos
• I've started reading to the babies a little. Thinking a lot about bonding with them, and this is one of the things I'm trying. (Will talk about the whole bonding thing more later in the week...)
• Worry that something bad is going to happen has snuck back in a little...will talk about that more later in the week as well

All in all, eveything's going along just fine. So grateful, every day...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

One of Our "Happy Family" Fantasies

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

So my husband and I have this little dream we keep talking about. The dream is to buy a hippie camper van, put a diesel engine in it (my brother owns a garage and says that it's doable; this is my husband's part of the fantasy), put surf racks on top, decorate the inside with pretty curtains and bedding in cool prints (my part of the fantasy), and then load it up on the weekends with the surfboards and kids and the dogs and us and go to the beach (in this fantasy we live somewhere on the West coast.) Sand everywhere I know, but we could totally do this, right? I just love the though of all of us making memories in our cute little camper van.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

Image Credit: Lloyd Gallery via Etsy.

Grace in Small Things, October 20, 2011

1. God, I love fall. The cooler temperatures, the beautiful leaves, the feeling that good things are to come...

2. Went 36 hours without Zofran (my original prescription is almost gone...wanted to see if I was feeling better and maybe didn't need it anymore since I am at 15 weeks and supposedly supposed to be over the morning sickness thing). But after spending today on the couch, I'm throwing in the towel and asking for another vial. Wish I could do better without it, but so glad it's an option. Will try again next week...

3. Broke down and went out and got 2 new bras...ahhh, so much more comfortable! I was a 34 B before all this fertility stuff started. Yesterday's purchase: 40 E. So crazy

4. Have had some crappy stuff happen at work this week, but have good work friends to tell me I'm justified/not crazy at getting annoyed at what's going on. I can usually escape the office politics because I freelance, but not always. Makes it so much easier when you can call a good friend who can commiserate...

5. Our oven broke the other day (for the second time, and it was a brand new oven 3 years ago...grrr). But that's OK, because it got me to get my crock pot out. I haven't used my crock pot all summer. Today I made the most nutritious black bean and tomato soup (which I usually make vegetarian, but I added meat...not sure how to meet my protein quota without meat at every meal). So yummy. Also so happy my husband is handy and can fix the oven when the part comes in...I wouldn't have a clue where to start with that...

XOXO

Should I Do Prenatal Testing?

Hi Everyone!

So today I wanted to talk a little about prenatal testing.

Basically, I'm trying to decide whether or not to do it. I'm finding it really hard to find concrete information/guidance/straight answers on the topic (from my doctor, pregnancy books, the internet, etc.).

Part of the problem is everyone kind of dances around the fact that one of the reasons the testing is done is to make a decision whether or not to terminate a pregnancy...I'm finding the vagueness surrounding that fact is really complicating the information I'm getting.

There are two types of testing, as far as I can figure: invasive and non-invasive. Both kinds test for genetic defects like Down's syndrome, etc. Last week, my doctor asked if I wanted to have some of the non-invasive testing done.

"What do you recommend?" I asked.

"It's up to you," she said.

"How would you suggest going about making the decision?" I asked.

"Basically there are two types of people," she said. "One is the type who wants all possible information and wants to be as prepared for things as possible. The other is happier just taking things as they come."

So how I am feeling is:

• That I am not going to terminate this pregnancy, no matter what the results of the testing show. (Especially because I have twins...I can't really find concrete information on this, but if one were found to have a defect can you terminate the one and be assured the other will be OK? I think there is risk to the healthy twin in that scenario, and that's something I can't handle)
• Also there is a chance for a false positive, meaning that the test may say there is something wrong when there isn't, and I know myself, I will believe that the worst possible scenario is going to happen and spend my whole pregnancy worried about an outcome that may not even happen
• Plus, and again I'm having a really hard time finding concrete information about this, it seems like the tests are less accurate with twins?
• Plus with the invasive stuff there is a risk of miscarriage and I just can't stomach that
• Plus my husband doesn't want to do it

So I'm leaning towards not having testing done.

Except it seems like everyone is doing it (ah, peer pressure), which is making me question my decision.

I know this is such an individual thing each person has to determine for themselves, but any insights/input any of you have here would be greatly appreciated. Just not feeling like I am getting enough information to make an informed decision, and don't really know where to turn for more...

Thanks in advance...

XOXO

It's My 1-Year Blogoversary!

Hi Everyone!

So excited to say that as of today, my blog is 1 year old!

Last fall, I'd been working in Boston, and I'm not sure how it started, but I was thinking it might be fun to have a blog. I tried really hard to talk myself out of it, you know, "There are already plenty of blogs out there." "What do you have to say that a million other people haven't already said?" "Blogs were cool 10 years ago...you are so behind the curve." Etc.

But when I got home, and had a few free days on my hands (and needed to do something just for me, not for the corporate machine), I decied to go for it. And I'm so glad that I did.

Blogging has been so incredibly fun.

I've met so many amazing people...that's the best part by far.

It's made me really pay attention to what's going on in my life.

It's made me happier, no question.

And I'm really grateful to have such a nice record of all the things that have happened over the past year. A few highlights:

• Always, always thinking of Luke, my brother who died (like here and here)
• A trip to San Francisco (starts here)
• Our long-delayed European honeymoon (starts here)
• The death of my father-in-law
• Success with IVF #4
• A quick trip to Vegas (starts here)
• The loss of our baby girl late in the first trimester
• Southeastern Utah with my dad (we take a trip together each year...it's great)
• Last summer's West coast road trip (starts here)
• Going back to Santa Barbara, where I lived with Luke and have had a hard time returning
• Success with an FET (that's still ongoing with me now in my second trimester)
• Getting to see the babies
• Random happy days, like here and here and here and here and here and here
• And a few random posts that I love (here and here and here)

Finally, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has stopped by, read, left comments, encouraged me, been so kind to me and made this endeavor such a huge success! Y'all are the absolute BEST, and are what has made blogging exceed my wildest dreams and expectations.

Here's to year #2, which should be full of transitions, and lots and lots of happiness.

XOXO

Image credit: Sweet & Saucy Shop.

Pregnancy: Week 14

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday! 

15 weeks today. Wow. :)

Here's how the past week has been:

• Still with the nausea. Ugh. The Zofran helps usually, but I'll often go without it until the nausea comes back, and it always does. Soon, please soon, I just want to feel better...
• Headaches a few times this week
• My belly and boobs are getting noticeable hard. And itchy...so itchy...it's weird. I'm using Mama Bee Belly Balm (it's got such cute packaging...I'm such a sucker for that...) to moisturize morning and night (hoping to avoid stretch marks...it's working so far), but that doesn't really seem to be helping with the itchiness
• Needing naps some afternoons. Seeming to need lots of sleep overall
• Craving orange Gatorage and fresh grapefruit juice (that I make myself). Trying to do more of the juice and less of the Gatorade, as the juice is much healthier I'm sure 
• I've had some times this past week when I just sit back and marvel that I am still pregnant, that if everything continues to go well I am going to have two babies. I get to do this thing I've wanted to do for so, so long, and I feel so happy and grateful and lucky :)

That's about it. Everything seems to be going along just fine (knock on wood).

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Week 13

Week 12

Week 11

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

When Work's Going to Be Taking a Backseat, Is the Best Thing to Do to Just Plod Along? (Or, Should I Try to Have Twins and My Dream Job, Too?)

I'm sure work and motherhood is a topic that's going to come up more than once here. Let's start the conversation today, shall we?

Here's the situation I find myself in. I have a good job and a good career doing something that...well...it's not my big passion in life, let's put it that way. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, either. But in a lot of ways I feel trapped, because I'm really good at what I do, it's stable, I make good money, I freelance so I have a LOT of flexibility that I wouldn't otherwise have at an office job (make my own hours, can travel when I want to, don't have to commute, can take whatever time off I want, etc.)...in short, there are a lot of adantages. But I am also tired of it, and I work in a field (advertising) where the burnout rate is really high, and I am feeling the burnout big-time.

If kids weren't in the picture, I do think I would try to do something else. But there ARE kids in the picture, and the reality is they are going to be my big focus for the next few years at least, and while my husband and I have decided it doesn't really make sense for me to quit working entirely, we are going to have my job and career take a backseat to everything else. This means not climbing the corporate ladder. It means working part-time after the babies are born. It means (I think) now is not the time for a career change. (Not that I even know what I would want to change my career TO...I think that's another factor. If I had a clear dream job I wanted to pursue, maybe I'd be thinking about all this differently.)

I don't think I can handle a career change and two new babies at once. I know in this day and age we are all supposed to be super women, but I just am not, and I feel like I'm letting womankind down admitting it, but I don't want to try and be a super star in every aspect of my life all at the same time...that just sounds exhausting. (And by the way, no offense here to ANYONE who is making different choices than me...I hugely respect that everyone is different and everyone needs to make their own decisions in matters like this. I'm not trying to talk anyone into anything...just trying to relay how it is for me.)

I do feel so burnt out, though. Like how can I keep doing this for years and years more? Work just feels like it's eating up almost all of my mental and emotional energy. I need a break. I don't know...maybe I should schedule some time off. (Although I've been thinking I should work hard up until my maternity leave, since people are going to have to cover for me then.) 

Just feeling really stuck. Not excited about doing this work for the next, say, 5 years, but don't really see a good alternative.

Maybe it's just being at the end of a particularly greuling week, and I'll feel better after the weekend. 

Just don't know what the right thing is to do...

I'm worried I'm just giving up in a way. We're supposed to strive to have the best, most satifying of everything in every aspect of our lives, right? Or is that totally unrealistic?

Thanks for listening and chiming in...

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, October 13, 2011

1. It was a few weeks ago I went camping with my family near Marshall Pass (south central Colorado), but just getting around to looking at the pictures today, and so thankful I was able to go on that trip. I've camped with my husband and my brother and my mom and my dad separately over recent years, but it's been since my brother and I were kids that we all camped together. The pictures above is of some of the aspens. Love fall out here... Here are a few more pics from that weekend:

 

2. Today was the first day I ran into someone I hadn't seen for months and she said, "Oh, you're pregnant, how wonderful!" without me having to tell her about it. I really am starting to show...it's so cool! :)

3. My husband and I had a big weekend last weekend kind of in celebration of our anniversary, but on the actual day yesterday, we did very little. It's nice not to have to feel like you need to make a big production out of something just because it is "the day." We were both so tired and I've been working hard this week and he's got papers due for school...I know this sounds lame but it really was sweet just to go out for a very low-key BBQ dinner and cuddle up at home 

4. I DID get a beautiful red purse as an anniversary gift from my husband. We're doing the traditional gifts, and this year (3rd anniversary) is leather. Love my gift and it's a classic design that will last for years...love that I'll be able to use the purse for a long time and always get to think, "This is what my sweet husband gave me for our anniversary"

5. Yoga and a massage in the same day...I am a happy girl :)

XOXO

It's My Anniversary!

This is just outside the church right after we got married. Love the bear's flowers...my BFF and Maid of Honor put them together the morning of the wedding.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to me and my husband! :)

In honor of the day, a few fun facts:

• We met in Alaska. He actually had my brother's (Luke, the one who died) old job, which is how we met. It was dreamy...whales and glaciers and Northern lights and quaint little towns...such a perfect backdrop to falling in love. I remember sitting up on the roof, just the two of us, of this little boat we were on that had nudged up close to a glacier, he sitting with his back against a wall, me in front of him with his arms around me, watching the glacier calf...so magical 
• We met just a few months after my brother had died. I was a MESS. I don't know how I would have gotten through that time without my husband. He was amazing to me
• We did the long distance thing (me in Santa Barbara, he in Alaska and then Seattle) for about a year and a half before moving in together 
• I'd been married before and was VERY skittish about getting married again (had nothing to do with my husband, just the institution of marriage in general). I made him warn me before he proposed (I told him, "If you surprise me, I might freak out and say no, and I don't want that to happen.") He did warn me, which made me love him even more, but now I wish I'd let him do the big surprise "popping the question" thing...I'm sure he would have done something fabulous
• We had trouble deciding where to get married...considered Las Vegas (just could not make that happen...long story) and Thailand (wouldn't it have been cool to have had a baby elephant there on your wedding day?), but ended up in Colorado in a tiny little log cabin chuch that belonged to a freind of my parents. It was perfect
• I was SO HAPPY on my wedding day. The whole day, just ecstatic
• We're definitely a case of opposites attract. My husband's 5 years younger than me, and very smart in a math-and-science kind of way, very logical. I'm into literature and the arts, emotional. He's a night owl and I go to bed early. He likes video games and science fiction, I like the outdoors. But somehow it works. We're alike in a lot of ways too...we're both kind of homebodies, and family and each other comes first, we're both very responsible so that all helps
• I feel happier and more in love with each passing day. And we are sooooo excited to bring two little babies into our little family. I am lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky

XOXO 

Pregnancy: Week 13

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Hi Everyone!

Well, I'm 14 weeks pregnant this week...officially out of the first trimester! Yay!

Here's how this past week has been:

• Terrible nausea at the beginning...getting worse if anything, so as I mentioned last week I broke down and got a prescription from my doctor for Zofran. Feeling a million times better. I'm so weird about taking medicine, though...it just makes me nervous. I'm supposed to start feeling better anyway around this time, so I'm not taking the medicine as scheduled (1 every 8 hours), just waiting until I start to feel a little sick and then taking it. Some days I'm taking 2, some days 3 but really want to minimize it, while still letting it do its job. I so wanted this pregnancy to be total hippie earth mother no drugs or anything, but this is helping me keep my sanity, so... And I guess it's also giving me my first lesson in the fact that you can't sacrifice absolutely everything for your kids...you're still a person, too. I've been walking around feeling like how I feel and how I'm coping doesn't matter, and of course I want to do what's best for my babies and if my doctor said I could harm them with this I absolutely wouldn't do it. But that's not the case, and it's helping so much...
• Emotionally feeling so much better and more positive, I'm sure because I'm not sick all the time...I always get down when I'm sick...it's so great to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day! :)
• I've gained 15 lbs so far (!), which is right on track to gain 20 lbs by 20 weeks, which is my goal. Still, stepping on the scale, it's hard not to be a little shocked! It's just temporary. I'll lose it all when the time is right
• My boobs are really starting to get huge
• Feeling the round ligament pain more and more...it's not really a big deal, though...just strange to feel the insides of your body stretching
• Have gotten several headaches over the past week...really bad ones, and not sure what if anything triggers them

Oh, and I had a doctor's appointment this morning...two strong heartbeats, and they'll see me again in a month. :)

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

Week 12

Week 11

Week 10

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Grace in Small Things, October 10, 2011

Snow at my brother's, southwest of Denver. He lives where we grew up...so cool...

Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!

I'll be doing my usual weekly pregnancy post tomorrow...today there's a lot of good things I want to share! :) I usually list small happinesses here, but some of today's are big:

1. Spent the night at my brother's Friday night (he lives in the foothills outside of Denver), and woke Saturday morning to snow. And I wasn't expecting it at all. I felt like a little kid...delighted...it was magical

2. My parents had two dogs, Jack and Comic. Comic died a short time ago, from a freak illness, which made my parents sooooo sad, but they kept saying, "At least we have Jack."

Well, they went on vacation and left Jack with my brother (who is amazing with dogs, by the way). About a week ago, Jack went missing. And he wasn't wearing a collar/any ID. My brother spent so much time last week, and my husband and I helped this weekend searching for him...ads online and in newspapers, flyers posted all over the place, checking the shelters, going door-to-door looking for him, etc., etc., etc. No luck.

It hit me hard when we checked into our Denver hotel Saturday...we were planning to have Jack with us as we were going to bring him home with us when we came back (we live near my parents, my brother is about 4 hours away from us). The hotel is super dog friendly and had a little chalkboard that said, "Welcome, Jack!" and a dog bed and dog dishes and treats in the room. But we had no dog to check in with. I was feeling so sad. I just couldn't imagine my parents losing BOTH their dogs in such a short time, you know? 

But today--finally--Jack has been found! Don't know the details, but so, so, so happy about that news! :)

(By the way, if you want to make yourself sad, go check out the lost-and-found rooms at your local animal shelter. So many, many sweet, hopeful dogs looking up at you and wagging their tails as you walk by...I hope most of them get found...)

3. Closed down a hip Denver restaurant with good friends of ours on Saturday night (after visiting the coolest little bar [I am of course drinking non-alcoholic beer and water these days, just FYI])...you know it's been a fun night when you suddenly notice it's just you and the wait staff (we left a big tip, BTW).

4. Foo Fighters Denver show last night. Absolutely lived up to my hopes for it (and my hopes were BIG). What an awesome night. They played until almost midnight and there was so much good energy, the crowd was great, the band was great, they played every song but one that I wanted to hear (and that one's pretty obscure, so not surprising). Made me so happy. 

5. Have I mentioned I'm feeling better?!? It's like I was living in black-and-white and the whole world is now Technicolor. I didn't realize how much I was struggling, how down I was feeling just because I was so sick 24/7. Not being sick like that has had a HUGE impact on my mood, how I'm feeling about being pregnant, and I'm feeling like I can handle actual babies (it's hard to picture being any good as a mother when you can barely get out of bed.) I'll talk more about the medication I'm on tomorrow, but bottom line is it has made such a HUGE difference...

Hope everyone has a lovely week!

XOXO

P.S. Courtney, I promise to post pictures of the aspens sometime this week. :)

Grace in Small Things, October 7, 2011

1. Oh, wow, I feel soooooo much better with the Zofran. Pretty incredible the difference, actually

2. Managed to pull together some cute outfits for our weekend trip (maternity dressing = challenging). Looking forward to getting a little dressed up for a change...doesn't happen much in my normal life around here

3. So excited to get away for the weekend! Yay!

4. And the aspens should be beautiful over the passes when we drive over to Denver...should be such a lovely drive

5. Got a HUGE document I've been working on all week sent out mid-day...and so I get to leave work early! :)

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week. :)

XOXO

And Sometimes, You've Gotta Admit Defeat

Well, I called my OB today to ask if she could give me something for the nausea.

Barely slept last night + worst headache of my life today (a migraine maybe? I don't know) + I'm 13 weeks and supposed to be getting better + I can barely work because I'm on the verge of throwing up and have been all day.

Actually, it was my husband saying, "I can't take it anymore, you've got to quit suffering if there's something that can help." That was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. 

Zofran, here I come. But I'm so nervous to take medication, even though my doctor says it's OK.

Sigh.

Dilemma of the Day: What's a Pregnant Girl Supposed to Wear to a Rock Concert (or, How Much do Pregnancy and Motherhood Change Your Life?)

So I'm going to see the Foo Fighters this weekend...so excited! :)

(By the way, when I Googled to check the general thinking re: if it was safe to go while pregnant, the consensus was an occasional loud rock concert isn't going to do any damage. Although someone pointed out that I should probably avoid the mosh pit.)

But here's my dilemma: I have absolutely no idea what to wear. I'm fine with jeans and T-shirts around the house. And I have a fancy dinner out Saturday night that I'm sure I can scrounge together a pretty maternity outfit for. But how to look hip and cool and young--you know, rock concert-ish--while pregnant? That I'm not sure how to pull off.

And I care, first because I always want to look good for my husband, and also (ahem) because my celebrity crush is Dave Ghrol (the band's lead singer), and what if he wants to meet me...I don't want to look all frumpy, right? (Hey, it could happen. When I lived in Santa Barbara, I took guitar lessons from the brother of one of the band members [quirky guy...loved him]. So maybe he'll [the brother] be at the show and he'll see me and he'll be like, "You have to come backstage with me!" and Dave Ghrol will be there and, you know...)

What I used to wear on nights like this would be something along the lines of heels, tight jeans and black T-shirt, very loud rhinestone belt, leopard print cowboy hat. Yeah, my rhinestone belt stretches about halfway around my waist now. And I don't feel like I can pull off any of that.

But this isn't really about what to wear on Sunday night (I'm sure I'll figure it out. There's always big-city shopping). It's really about the shift in my identity with this whole pregnancy/impending motherhood thing.

I can't figure out if I'm going to turn into an entirely different person with this stuff, or I'm still going to be me, just with a couple cute kids as part of the package. Or something in between? I'm certainly not going to be going to rock concerts every week, but in reality I haven't done that since I was 24 and living in Austin, TX, (oh, man, the music scene there was unreal). I'll still be able to go to concerts every once in a while, right? Like I do now? And once I get my body back, I can do it in some great outfit. 

Until then...pregnancy is temporary...the rest of my life is not going to be like this. I just feel so not me...it's the not getting to snowboard (I usually go 2-3 times/week in the winter, going to miss it so much), or take hot baths, or have a glass of wine, or travel like I usually do, or look sexy going out to a concert with my husband, or have just one day where I'm not lying on the bathroom floor at some point, ready to puke. All these pregnancy restrictions are just temporary. And so, so worth it.

And besides, who knows? Maybe Dave Ghrol has a thing for pregnant women. :)

XOXO

Grace in Small Things, October 4, 2011

1. Rain today. I really like working in the rain...don't feel so bad about not being able to go outside...

2. I have a big new social media/"e-learning" program I'm doing for work that I've been turning over in my mind for a couple months...need to write out exactly what it is this week, and my ideas for it are FINALLY gelling...it's going to be cool.

3. Really sick yesterday and my husband went to the store without me (we usually always shop together, so it was really sweet of him to let me stay on the couch), brought back rice pudding (along with our regular weekly groceries). "This is what makes me feel better, when I'm not feeling so hot," he said. "Hopefully it'll help you." He is the sweetest.

4. My husband and I are going to Denver this weekend as kind of a pre-anniversary trip (our anniversary is next week). Get to see my brother, some good friends (who apparently have tons of baby/maternity stuff to send home with us...yay) and see the Foo Fighters, which I am soooooo excited about. It's going to be a great trip. I usually travel all the time (or used to, anyway...that probably won't be the case for a while with two babies), and have been going a little stir-crazy cooped up here. It's going to be great to get out.

5. Ordered an anniversary present for my husband online on Sunday, coincidentally got a 25% off coupon to the store on Monday. Just called and they said they'd honor it...yay!

Hope everyone's having a good week so far.

XOXO