The Nursery, Episode #1: Furniture
Hi Everyone!
So we're getting started on the nursery. (I know it's early, but I'm feeling pretty good now and don't know how I'll be later in my pregnancy. Plus we're going to be making a number of things, which takes time. Plus I think it'll be really fun to have a room to go into and sit and dream about the babies, you know?)
Anyway, thought it would be fun to share!
A little about the room: It's really small, has beautiful hardwood floors, good light. My husband's been using it as an office and it's painted dark gray, which I don't love for a nursery, but we're going to try and make it work since we will probably be moving not long after the babies are born (even if we stay in the same town my husband would like to move to a new house.)
I was originally thinking vintage/used furniture, but we're not finding much and the things we're finding are really expensive. So we're going for new. Dark wood, which I'll lighten up with bright and cheery quilts, curtains, cushions, etc. Here's what we've picked out:
Rug--The softest thing ever...cannot wait to have it in the room and go in and lie down on it:
Rocking Chair--This is a vintage piece, a gift from my mother-in-law (ours looks just like the one in this picture):
Dresser--The one we picked looks a lot like this. I'm going to give it some personality with some funky glass pulls I have from Anthropologie. They were in the Santa Barbara house I shared with my brother, and I love that I'm going to get to repurpose them in the babies' room:
Crib--We're just going to get just one to start, because of the size of the room. Something along these lines:
Pretty simple, but we like simple and figure it's a good canvas for all the fun and happy things we're going to make. Wall art is also going to be key here to make sure the room is bright and cheeery and not too grown up looking.
What do you all think?
XO
Rug: American Furniture Warehouse.
Rocker: Vintage. Image Credit: pappymerlot via ebay.
Dresser: American Furniture Warehouse.
Crib: Target.
Pregnancy: Week 21
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!
I'm 22 weeks pregnant today! Here's how the past week has been:
- Nausea: Controlled for the most part with 1 Zofran/day (down from 2/day); trying 1/2 per day this week
- Backache: Much better since going to the chiropractor
- Insomnia: It's been a horrible week for this, capped off by being awake until 5 AM this morning, and then having to get up for an 8 AM conference call. Every night has been several hours at least of not being able to sleep. It's some combination of discomfort (mild nausea, mild backache, joints aching) and reading baby books late at night and starting to freak out, eg: "Will I ever sleep again once the babies are born?" "How in the world am I going to breastfeed two babies with my breasts as sensitive as they are?" "What if one or both of the babies has colic?" Etc. In short, all things we'll figure out as we go along. All things there's no sense in worrying about now
- Mood: Generally happy (tired, but happy)
- Exercise: Trying to walk every day, but it's really been more like every other day. My prenatal yoga class ended a couple weeks ago...going to see if there's a gentle general class I can join. Thought about getting a yoga DVD, but doing yoga in my living room by myself just doesn't sound like much fun
- Weight gain: Still right on track. I feel enormous, and there's still such a long way to go...
- Baby prep: We've been doing a lot now that we know the sexes. Getting close to having names (at this point, just trying to figure out our girl's middle name). Bought flannel for the receiving blankets my mom and I are going to make. Looked at material for quilts and curtains for the nursery. Looked at prints (wall art) for the nursery, and while we still need to decide, we found some we like. Working on making a decision re: cloth vs disposable diapers (anyone have any thoughts on the matter?). Got some baby shower details figured out. And my mom and mother-in-law have been buying the cutest clothes imaginable...all second-hand...it's amazing what you can get. Etc. All this is so much fun, I can't even tell you...
Hope everyone has a lovely week!
XOXO
Baby Pictures, My Facebook Pregnancy Announcement, a Blog Award (Yay!), and a Funny Story
Lots I've wanted to talk about this week and haven't gotten around to...
Baby Pictures!
I haven't posted pictures yet from my ultrasound last week...wanted to share...
Here's our girl...face down and you can see part of her spine.
And here's our boy, on his back looking up.
My Facebook Pregnancy Announcement
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, and have actually been really bad about posting anything there for months, maybe years. I've been so preoccupied with my fertility struggles, and just didn't feel like that was the best arena for all that to play out, you know?
But I did post news of my pregnancy this week. And it was fun...I have friends and acquaintances all over the place...people I don't necessarily talk to on a regular basis...it was so cool to get so many messages of congratulations and well wishes. I'm glad I posted something. I'm also glad I waited until I was this far along. (Last pregnancy, my husband had posted that we were expecting the day before we found out the baby had died. Ugh...)
A Blog Award
Sweet Chantelle over at Creating a Rainbow gave me a blog award! Thanks, Chantelle...means a lot. :) If you don't know about her blog, you should go check it out...she and I actually both had miscarriages at almost the same time last spring, same point in our pregnancy, same diagnosis (Turner syndrome). She's been trying soooooo hard to get pregnant again...I'm sure a lot of you can relate. She's about to enter another two week wait....I hope sooooooo much that this is her month!
The rules of the award (which means "dear" or "dearest" in German) are:
- Paste the award on you blog
- Thank the giver and link back
- Give the award to 5 other bloggers (<200 followers)
- Hope they spread the love
And so I send this award to:
- Bodega Bliss--My super stylish California blogger friend...things have kind of sucked in her world lately...stop by and show her some love...
- Calmly Chaotic--Mother of newborn twins who makes it all look oh-so-easy (she's also got such fabulous style...love it...)
- Eggs in a Row--TTC and just got a BFN...so sorry, Eggs! Please stop by and show her some love. Her blog is funny, funny, funny...totally cracks me up...
- Poor Lucky Me--About to have a baby after losing her firstborn. This girl is soooooo honest, and boy, can she ever write!
- Tortoise Baby--12 weeks pregnant...she used my same clinic and doctor. And she lives in Mississippi which I think is so cool (and which I soon may be calling home...or not...who knows...everything is so up in the air...)
A Funny Story
I had my annual eye exam today, making me think of the following story:
People who know me IRL know how much I hate, hate, hate WalMart. I hate how it kills small-town businesses, how homogenous everything is, how lost and overwhelmed I feel by the sheer size of the place when I step inside. Weirdly, I LOVE Target, which is essentially the same thing, but there doesn't have to be any rhyme or reason to what I love and hate, right?
I wear contacts, and a few years ago, I went to order new ones through 1.800.CONTACTS.
"You're prescription's expired," they said. "But we can set you up with an appointment in your town."
"Great," I said.
And so where do they send me? WalMart. I was so mad. I almost cancelled the appointment, but the convenience of having it already scheduled won out. And so I went. And you know what? It was awesome. The doctor was great, the eye clinic was small and personal, the service was good...I'm so glad I got sent there.
Have to laugh at myself.
And be glad I can change my mind on things.
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks so much for spending some time here this week! :)
XOXO
All I Want...
Well, this isn't ALL I want. But it's a big part of what makes me happy.
XO
Image Credit: 20x200 via sfgirlbybay.
"Youthful Wonder"
Every second I spent surfing was filled with wonder...
A few lines at the end of an article in this week's (November 28, 2011) New Yorker have spent an inordinant amount of time in my brain the past days. They're from a profile of Peter Thiel written by George Packer entitled "No Death, No Taxes: The Libertarian Futurism of a Silicon Valley Billionaire:"
"An appetite for disruption and risk...reflects, in part, a sense of immunity to the normal heartbreak and defeats of a deadening job, money trouble, and unhappy children dealt out to the "unthinking herd." Thiel and his circle in Silicon Valley may be able to imagine a future that would never occur to other people precisely because they've refused to leave that stage of youthful wonder which life forces most human beings to outgrow."
Youthful wonder...which for me I would define as waking up every day feeling like everything is ahead of you and possible, that you're lucky to be living the life you're living, and that there is so much beauty and goodness in the world...I had that for so long. Was it living in California? Surfing? Being able to spend so much time with my little brother, whom I adored? Not living a very conventional life, in terms of being married and divorced young (before most of my friends even got married at all), not having kids, not working a regular job but instead freelancing and traveling, not having any money trouble to speak of? Some combination?
All I know, is that between my brother being killed, me leaving California (directly related), not being able to surf any longer (also directly related), and I don't know if buying a house and getting married for real this time and having money stress mostly related to all the rounds of IVF we did and all the heartbreak involved in trying to have a baby and I don't know what else...I feel like that wonder...if it's not gone, certainly big parts of it have seeped away. Even though I have a terrific marriage, and these babies on the way, which is what I've wanted for so, so long...
Is the loss of wonder just part of growing up? (Which took me way longer to do than the average person...I pretty much acted like a teenager up until a few years ago.)
Or is there some way to hold onto it (or bring it back)?
I miss it...
XO
Image Credit: GAESSrhymeswithFACE via Etsy.
Chiropractic Care While Pregnant: Yes or No?
Hi Everyone!
My back has been bothering me, so I made an appointment with a chiropractor and went today. I went to someone who specializes in prenatal care, and thought some of you might be interested in how it went.
The Good:
- My back is sore since the visit (she [the chiropractor] said it would be), but the pain I've been living with is essentially gone
- She has a table where the belly drops out, so I got to lay on my stomach for the first time in a while...so nice :)
- She did a lot to monitor my babies/my general health, including taking my blood pressure, listening to the babies' heartbeats, measuring my belly, etc. Always nice to get a peek into what's going on inside me. The more monitoring, the better, I say, as I still have a little bit of fear that something could be going wrong in there. (By the way, she said one baby had a heart rate in the 120s and the other in the 140s, which she said was fine and Dr. Google agrees)
- She also told me regular visits would help make labor a lot easier, which of course is a desirable thing
The Bad:
- There was a lot of judgement about having ultrasounds (bad for the baby, I was told...and why had I had so many?), and taking Zofran and the occasional Tylenol. And the way it was presented was not the best. It's one thing to say, "Going forward, consider not doing this;" another to say, "What you've already done is bad."
- Also a lot of judgement about using IVF to get pregnant. I really believe in alternative medicine, but I'm sick of having practitioners tell me that IVF was a waste of time and money and if I'd just been more invested in natural/alternative medicine, I would have gotten pregnant no problem. That may be true, but there were so many things demonstrably wrong with me (5 separate issues diagnosed)...I don't know...I have a hard time believing IVF was a bad choice. And over the years I tried to get pregnant without medical intervention, I went to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, did a lot with nutrition, stress relief, massage, etc. I could have done more, I'm sure, but it's not like I didn't try that route. I still get defensive when people act like I just didn't try hard enough and going to an RE was kind of a cop-out
Bottom Line:
I can pretty much brush off all the judgmental stuff that was thrown at me today (it wasn't upsetting or scary, really, I was more just annoyed). And if it continues to help my back feel better, I'm going to keep going every two weeks as recommended. It feels safe to me (especially with this doctor having done a lot of work with pregnant women), and if it helps to make my pregnancy more comfortable, why not, right?
Anyone else been to the chiropractor while pregnant or trying to conceive? What did you think?
XO
Pregnancy: Week 20 (And the Sexes Are No Longer a Secret)
Hi Everyone! Twenty-one weeks today. :)
Here's how the last week has been:
- We found out the genders of the babies this past week...I didn't post it here because we were trying to keep it a secret from my dad and brother...but that lasted less than 24 hours. So cat's out of the bag...we are having a boy and a girl, which I am so incredibly thrilled with! And we're getting close to having names picked out for both of the twins (I'll tell everyone once we have it finalized). That's (naming) actually been a lot easier than I thought
- Feeling A LOT of movement, which is so cool. It's helping more than anything to make all this real
- Nausea's been under control but I've been taking Zofran like clockwork. Going to go off it today and see what happens. Fingers crossed...
- Back pain is an ongoing issue. Not all the time, but especially when I sit for any length of time. Going to a chiropractor tomorrow, hope that helps
- I'm having some occasional weird abdominal cramping that's making me nervous. My doctor said I'd know if I was having contractions, and the cramping doesn't seem like contractions. Still, I don't like it
- Gums still bleed every time I brush my teeth. I'm also congested and when I blow my nose it's all bloody...lovely
- My feet are swelling to the point where I can't wear a lot of my shoes (besides the fact it's getting hard to reach my feet to tie or buckle anything). And I think heels of any kind are just about a thing of the past
- My belly is really growing. Still getting that stretchy feeling from the inside. Still no stretch marks. (Yay!) I'm actually a little scared about how big I am and that I'm only halfway through my pregnancy...I already feel so huge...just have to keep telling myself countless women have done this before me and I'm going to be fine...
- Emotions are all over the place this week. On the plus side, saw a lot of family over Thanksgiving and everyone was so excited about the babies, which was so great and makes me feel really excited and happy. Also picked out nursery furniture (although we haven't bought it yet). Also feeling the babies move so much and finding out the sexes and naming them...all so cool and making these babies seem like our children, which on the one hand is really positive, but on the other I'm scared to do because what if we lose them? We're still a few weeks away from viability...I've still got that fear of miscarriage (or I guess it's stillbirth at this point) going on. Also, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed at times by the fact that we are going to have two babies to take care of AND will probably be moving a few months after they're born (although that's still totally up in the air). I will have lots and lots of help, but still, it just feels like so much...too much all at once. But we do what we have to do, right? Plus my husband has been so great, telling me all I need to think about is the babies, that's he's got everything else under control. Trying really hard not to think about/worry about the future and just focus on today...
Hope everyone has a lovely week!
XOXO
Alabama & Mississippi, and "House Hunters" Episode #1
Hi Everyone!
So last week, my husband and I went down to Mobile, Alabama and gulf coast Mississippi (a super cute little town called Ocean Springs). We relaxed a little (stayed at the Magala Inn in Mobile [ask for room 220] and the Gulf Hills Hotel in Ocean Springs, both of which were wonderful), ate some good meals (most notably Phonecia [thanks, Tortoise Baby, for the recommendation!] and Al Fresco, both in Ocean Springs). But mostly, my husband did a couple days of job interviews, and I looked at houses. My husband is graduating in the spring (was in the military, went back to school on the GI bill), and we're trying to figure out what happens next. There's a company down there that's very interested in him, so we went to check it out.
Interviews went well. House hunting was fun (although VERY premature, as we have no idea if we'll be moving or not, but I wanted to see the neighborhoods and figure out if this is a part of the country where I could feel at home [bottom line is yes]).
Houses are relatively cheap, especially with the economy the way it is. Here are a couple I fell in love with:
House #1 we've been calling "The Lake House." It's in a rural area west of Mobile, on three acres and shares a five-acre lake with a few other properties, is HUGE but is so beautiful...if we lived here, I'd never want to leave. I'd feel like I was on vacation 24/7. Not sure I want to live where you have to drive a ways to everything, though. And I didn't love Mobile...I'm sure there are some cool parts of the city, but we didn't find them. Also this is at the top of our budget...doable, but a stretch.
House #2 is in a part of Ocean Springs called Gulf Hills. We're calling it "The Elevator House" because even though it's only a basement and two stories, it has an elevator (with this beautiful inlaid mosaic floor, no less). It's on a golf course, and has been decorated amazingly...I guess an older woman lives there now and she for the most part has fabulous taste. If we were to buy it my husband would make me get rid of some thing (he's saying no to the black-and-gold cherub wallpaper in the bathroom...I think it's so over the top that it's cool.) But I could probably get away with keeping the gold swan water spouts. :) This house is a better size for us (not ridiculously huge) and is very close to the beach, playgrounds, a cute little downtown with restaurants and bars etc. Also this is more comfortably within our budget. But it has no yard to speak of (a little in the front, nothing in the back), which is a definite disadvantage since we have 2 dogs.
Anyway, all of this dreaming of houses (nesting instinct kicking in, you think?) is just wild speculation on my part. The company will let my husband know about the job in December, and IF they offer him a job and IF the salary is right, we may be moving. I have lots and lots of feelings about leaving Colorado and moving to the deep South, but that's a post for another day. If it's right for my husband career-wise, we're going to do it. We wouldn't have to be there forever, and it could be really cool.
Stay tuned...
XOXO
Image Credits: Gulf Coast MLS.com, Realtor.com
And thanks to Girl's Gone Child for the "House Hunters" post idea! :)
Twenty Week Scan...and the Sexes Revealed!
Hi Everyone!
So we had our twenty-week scan today...this is our first real look at the babies' anatomy and everything looks great in there. Yay...so relieved.
AND, we learned the sexes...but...I hadn't really thought this through but my dad and brother DO NOT want to know, and they both read my blog from time to time...so I can't post the news here. But if you're curious, leave a comment or email me and I'll be thrilled to let you know. :)
It was so exciting to find out. I even cried a little.
Next OB appointment in 4 weeks.
Oh, and kind of weird...there was a couple getting an ultrasound right before us and they were going to terminate the pregnancy (I overheard them talking about scheduling surgery right after, and then when my OB went to do my scan the TV was off and she said, "Oh, the couple before you is terminating, so we didn't want them to see the baby.") I saw the baby though on the screen when they first brought me in...and I totally respect that couple's right to terminate, but it's just kind of breaking my heart. It's so unfair. So many women would give anything to be pregnant with that child. I wish I hadn't seen that perfect little baby...
Trying to let it go. Just amped up on pregnancy hormones and so sensitive to everything...
XOXO
Pregnancy: Week 19
Hi Everyone!
Trip to the deep South was good...will tell you about it later in the week. But for now...big week...I'm 20 weeks pregnant today! It really does feel like such a milestone. AND, we get to find out the sexes of the babies tomorrow...so excited. It's funny, I've been walking around today thinking, "This is the last day ever I won't know." Tomorrow is going to be amazing (although I do have to say I am a little nervous that when they take a look at the babies something will be wrong...stupid fear...I wish it would just go away...)
Here's how the past week has been:
- Unless I'm totally imaginging things, I can definitely feel the babies moving. It's so cool. Me moving around makes them move around (which seems like the opposite of what's typical...I keep hearing if you lay down you'll feel them but that hasn't been the case for me). Going up and down stairs pretty much guarentees I'll feel something
- Backache (lower to mid back) is the new big symptom. Five flights last week I'm sure didn't help. Generally it's not bad, but sitting in a confined place (eg an airplane seat) makes it hurt A LOT
- Travel overall was fine, but not very comfortable (I did have my husband with me to lift my suitcase everytime I needed it lifted). I am exhausted today, though...
- Nausea's been pretty under control this week, but I've also been taking a Zofran morning and night like clockwork. (Usually I'll wait until I feel bad to take one.) Just wanted this trip to go smoothly. I think I'll continue with the Zofran morning and night through this week and all the company we're having and the holiday, and then try to go off again and see what happens
- Getting up from a seated position is getting harder. Helps to have someone give me a hand
- Getting a weird little rash on my belly...little bumps like bug bites almost, although they don't hurt or itch
Things overall are just going along great. So happy to have made it this far with nothing to worry about. :)
Hope everyone has a lovely week!
XO
Enjoying Your Pregnancy
Hi Everyone!
So this has been a topic under discussion all over the place lately...see Elphaba and Mo, and I think it all started with the fabulous jjiraffe.
Anyway, it's something I've been thinking about a lot about, and wanted to contribute my two cents.
I'm about halfway through my pregnancy (19 weeks), and I have had a heck of a time enjoying it. Which has really surprised me...I really wanted to experience pregnancy, and had these visions of it being such a happy, special time. But the reality has been somewhat different, and several things are making it hard to enjoy, key being:
1) The fact that I've been so sick
2) Gaining weight/restrictions on activities have been really hard for me
3) The fear that something is going to go wrong, and related to that, having trouble picturing that two actual real-live babies are going to come out of this experience. I'm so used to things not going right for me in the reproductive arena, it's hard to imagine a different outcome
To combat the above, here's what I've been trying to do:
- Documenting my pregnancy--This is something jjiraffe talks about doing and I've been doing with weekly updates/pictures on my blog. You can also do this more privately with pregnancy journals and the like. And also, in a way this seems self-indulgent, but I think I'm going to have a professional do some pregnancy photos of me as I get a little further along...my hairdresser just showed me her engagement photos last week and the woman who did them does such beautiful things with natural light...and is really reasonable cost-wise...
- Trying to make myself as comfortable as possible--I started this pregnancy swearing I would never let so much as a Tylenol cross my lips. And I know this is a very personal decision, but at about 12 weeks I relented and have been taking Tylenol occasionally as needed for headaches and joint and back pain, and Zofran for the nausea that still just won't go away. My doctor says these drugs are perfectly safe and the effect they've had on my mood has been incredible. I was feeling really, really depressed, just laying on the couch sick day after day after day...not feeling so terrible has really helped me embrace being pregnant
- Trying to look as good as possible--Vain I know, but like most women, I want to look good...slender and stylish. The slender part is of course out the window with pregnancy...all I can do as far as that is concerned is make plans regarding how I am going to lose all this weight (I'm actually kind of sick of eating and looking forward to dieting when the time comes), and when I get back to my normal weight there's a little shopping spree waiting for me, so there's that to look forward to. As far as looking stylish during pregnancy...not easy without spending a ton of money, which I am not willing to do. But I am trying to incorporate as much of my day-to-day wardrobe into the mix as possible (eg, button-front sweaters I can just wear open, accessories, the shoes that still fit). And also, everyone's body is different, but I need clothes that show off my bump...I need to look pregnant otherwise I just look vastly overweight. Clothes that hide the belly...not good on me. Bottom line, for me it's been worth it to put a little effort into how I look and what works with my pregnant body...how I look always affects how I feel, and pregnancy is no different
- Appreciating the extra time I have vs being sad about what I can't do--Every winter I get a season pass at my local resort and snowboard like crazy. Year-round I hike. I go to hot yoga. None of those things are options right now. Sometimes I'm really bummed about it, but overall I try to look at it as: look at all this free time I have these days--time that would usually be taken up by all that stuff. I'm working on a little book about San Francisco right now, and have been so productive these past few months, mostly because time usually spent elsewhere can be devoted to writing. I try to look at it as what I've gained vs what I've lost
- Trying to let go of the fear--I think a lot of people who have had difficulty getting pregnant can relate to the incessant fear that has made it really, really hard for me to enjoy my pregnancy. It was worse in the first trimester, but it's still there. Like in how every time I go to the bathroom I look for blood on the TP. How every little twinge and cramp scares me. How I'm afraid of my 20 week ultrasound next week because they might see something wrong with the babies. I'm not sure I'm doing the best job here, but I've been trying to just not think about these things...put these thoughts out of my mind as much as possible. Keep telling myself that the chances of something going wrong are small, and really, something can happen to your child at any time, not just during pregnancy. Do I want to spend the rest of my life entertaining worst case scenarios? No. So I'm trying really hard not to go there...
- Letting people know about my pregnancy--The more my family and friends talk about me being pregnant...congratulate me, talk of a baby shower, comment on how big I'm getting...the better I feel about the whole experience. The first trimester I kept what was going on hidden from a lot of people (although I'm not sure that's the best approach...why do we do that other than we are told it's what you are supposed to do?)...but now that the news is getting out...it's making my pregnancy a lot more enjoyable to have others know about it and be enthusiastic about it. Like last week my husband and I went to see a friend of ours we hadn't seen in a few months and who didn't know I was pregnant...she saw my belly and started squealing and jumping up and down...how can you not enjoy pregnancy when something like that is going on?
- Making it a physical part of my world--I haven't really started this yet, but am about to and am excited. The cribs, the car seats, the blankets, the cute little clothes...shopping for baby stuff is something I've wanted to do for a long, long time, and I think is going to be so enjoyable, not from a materialistic standpoint, but more the thought of getting everything just right, putting a lot of love into preparing a space for our new babies in the world...I can't wait
Do you all have any thoughts on how best to enjoy pregnancy? Would love to hear...
And that's it for me as far as blogging this week...going to Mississippi with my husband tomorrow for a long weekend and am looking forward to a computer-free break (the best kind!) :)
See y'all Monday! ( see...I can do the Southern thing...:) )
XO
Playing '50s Housewife This Weekend
So far, my life has kind of been the antithesis of that of the sterotypical '50s housewife. I went to college, got a good job, took care of myself, put off having kids to have a career (well, actually what happened was a little more complicated than that...but that's another story), traveled, etc. etc. I married a pretty liberal man who is supportive of all that; he's also been in school for the past four years and I've been the primary breadwinner, which has worked out fine.
End of this week, my husband has a job interview out of state. (We haven't made any plans to move yet...we're just checking things out.) I'm going along as "the wife."
My job is to go to dinner with his potential boss Thursday night and be pretty and charming. While my husband's interviewing with people Friday, I'm going to ride around with a real estate agent looking at neighborhoods, potential houses for us, talking about schools for the kids, etc. It all feels so very retro, and so incredibly different from what I'm used to.
And you know what? I love it. I WANT to be the '50s housewife. I'd quit work when the kids came if I could (although we've decided it makes sense for me to work part-time from home, which I'm fine with.) I SO long for that life, maybe because I've never had it...or maybe because it's what I was meant to be doing all along and got monumentally sidetracked by all the messages I got growing up telling me that it was a waste of my time and intelligence to be a wife and mother; real women have careers and take care of themselves.
My husband and I are on the same page...we're working to make that more retro life (or a somewhat tweaked version of it) a reality.
This trip is kind of the first incarnation of that. This all feels so unreal. And makes me really happy.
XO
Image Credit: knowyourflo via Etsy.
Hi Everyone!
Wanted to post a brief follow-up here. My mom read something I wrote in this post and took it the wrong way, and I wanted to make sure to clear up any confusion.
I talked in this post about getting messsages from all around discouraging me from being a wife and mother and making family important, and instead being told that I should focus on a career and being able to take care of myself. And it's true I was told that over and over by my parents, my grandparents who were very influential in my life, the media, my peers, feminism that was so rampant at the time I went to college, etc.
But on the flip side, my mom made home and family and motherhood an absolute priority, and that's what I saw day-to-day growing up...she made a beautiful home for us...worked but just part time and only when we kids were older...had a good stable marriage to my father...put a nice cooked-from-scratch dinner on the table every night (plus breakfast and lunch)...did a lot to make holidays and family get-togethers special occasions. So I also had that influence, even while all the vocies around me were saying, "This is not something to aspire to."
Maybe having seen/grown up in a good happy home/family is what's made me yearn for it so badly all these years...
Pregnancy: Week 18
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!
So, 19 weeks pregnant today...so happy. :) Here's how the last week has been:
- Nausea, still, although...dare I say this?...I think it might be getting better. Seems like I'm going longer between doses of Zofran (I've been taking as needed vs on a set schedule), although I still can't go completely without without the nausea coming back full-force. I'll take any progress I can get, though
- Back pain...sometimes (twice this past week) really bad in my lower back (like I can barely walk), a lot of times just uncomfortable kind of mid-back aches. Hard to sit in a seat for long periods of time (like at the movies...not comfortable). I've got so much extra weight on this frame of mine...not a big surprise
- Heartburn is starting to appear at night, but it's so mild it's not even worth complaining about
- Belly still getting bigger. I'm doing great with the weight gain. Still no stretch marks...yay! Getting to be a bit of a challenge to move around, get off the couch, put on my shoes. And speaking of shoes, I got my boots out of their boxes in the basement and all but one of the tall ones don't fit...too tight around the calves...such a bummer...
- Freckles and moles and birthmarks are all kind of going crazy...ones I've had becomming more prominent, new ones appearing. Does this go away after pregnancy? Doesn't really bother me, it's just kind of weird
- Have been feeling a little scared lately about something going wrong. Checking for blood on the TP every time I go to the bathroom. Ugh...does this fear ever go away? Everything's gone perfectly with this pregnancy so far...why am I still scared something's going to go wrong?
- Have been thinking a lot about baby showers and baby purchases...fun! Also things I'm going to need to do before the babies come, eg, birth classes, decide re: cloth vs disposable diapers, pick names, etc. Suddenly it seems like there is a lot of (fun) stuff to be done and not a whole heck of a lot of time to do it
- Still thinking I'm feeling the babies moving multiple times a day, but not completely sure. Going up/down stairs seems to trigger what feels like movement. Never happens when I'm lying down resting (which is when you're supposed to feel it, right?) Very exciting!
- Traveling this week and a little apprehensive about it, mostly because sitting still in a chair just isn't very comfortable so the plane flights might be hard. I'm sure it's going to be fine, though
- Ultrasound next week to check in on how the babies are doing (a little scared about that) and we're going to find out if we have boys or girls (can't wait!)
- So grateful for another week gone by and all is well...
XOXO
Grace in Small Things, November 11, 2011
Hi Everyone! Sorry for not posting yesterday...have been in a little bit of a funk, which is usually due to working too much (although I haven't worked much this week) and/or feeling sick (which is pretty constant these days, so not sure why I've been down the past few days in particular).
Anyway, what better time to take a look at what's good in my life, right? And so:
1) Minutes after I posted my list of baby stuff on Wednesday, my BFF called and told me I'm not going to be buying any of this stuff...that there is going to a baby shower and my friends will buy things for me (my friend Julie pointed this out too). Thanks girls! So excited about a baby shower! Makes me feel so loved! :)
2) My mom took me to see The Art of Flight the other night (the image above is a still from the trailer)...was screening at our little local college. It's a snowboarding movie where these guys essentially fly/helicopter into these remote places and snowboard sick terrain. Love watching this kind of thing. That's me in another life. And actually, now that I think about it, maybe part of why I've been down is I'm feeling sad about not snowboarding this year. I would 10,000 times rather be pregnant than have this snowboarding season, but it's not an either/or situation, right? I can be happy to be pregnant and still be sad I don't get to get outside. (I'm feeling especially sorry for myself because I missed last season due to a pregnancy [which ended in miscarriage] too. But two seasons for two babies is fair, right?)
3) My dad just got an iPhone and has taken to texting. He's out of state at a poker tournament and has been keeping me abreast of his progress. Fun...
4) Not working this weekend for the first time in forever (well, it's only been 3 weeks, but it feels like forever)
5) French cheesecake...which is lighter and airier than regular cheesecake. Have you all ever had it? Soooooo yummy...
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
Image Credit: The Art of Flight trailer.
Baby Stuff: The Preliminary List
I love this ottoman and can totally see it in our nursery. I'm picturing lots and lots of color...
Hi Everyone!
So I have to laugh, because my husband and I have been talking and talking about how we don't want to get/don't think it's necessary to have a lot of stuff for the babies, and yet, when I make my preliminary list of what I think we need it seems sooooooooo long.
Basically, we're trying to:
1) Keep our lives as clutter-free as possible (may be totally unrealistic with two babies, I know), and
2) Get the baby stuff on a budget (we've got a few Visa gift cards, a few hundred dollars worth of change we've been saving up, a few hundred dollars that we've been setting aside little by little from our weekly budget for a while now)...so we have some cash, but don't want to go crazy. (Well, let me rephrase that...I would love to go to Land of Nod or Pottery Barn Kids and buy everything in sight, but my husband is so much more responsible about money than I am...and it works out great for our family, so I am not complaining...but to be perfectly honest it's really him that's keeping this whole thing from getting out of control, lol.)
Anyway, below is my preliminary list of what I think we need (and/or I really, really want):
Baby "Necessities"
- 2 cribs (probably used, or from some place like Target or IKEA)
- 2 crib mattresses
- Crib sheets...maybe 4?
- 2 quilts (I think I'm going to try and make these myself...not really in love with anything I've seen)
- 2 Moses baskets (so the babies have a portable place to sleep when they're very small)
- Curtains for the nursery (I'll make these)
- Receiving blankets (my mom and I will make these...not sure how many we'll need)
- Onesies (again not sure how many we'll need)
- Burp cloths
- Diapers
- Diaper pail
- Ottoman/footrest for rocker (we already have the rocker...it was my grandma's...my dad and his brothers were rocked in it...love that)
- Cushion for rocker (I'll make)
- Dresser (plan to get one cheap secondhand and repaint/put on these cool Anthropologie knobs I have)
- Changing pad for top of dresser
- 2 slings/baby carriers
- Double stroller (this might be where we splurge...I have my eye on a really nice one and my husband hasn't said no)
- 2 car seats
- Nursery decor (pictures for walls, mobile, nightlight, etc)
- Diaper accessories (wipes, rash cream, etc)
- Bottles etc? (I really want to breast feed 100%...but I know that might not work out and I'm not opposed to pumping and having some milk in the fridge so my husband and I can get out of the house on our own at some point)
What do you all think? Am I missing something important? Is something here totally unnecessary? Would love to hear your opinions...
Oh, and on a somewhat unrelated note, I keep thinking I feel the babies move, but only when I'm walking up the stairs. Could this be true, or am I totally imagining things?
XOXO
Image credit: BERBERCOOP (ETSY Shop) via Lay Baby Lay.
Good OB Appointment Today...And a Little "Babymoon!" :)
Ocean Springs, Mississippi...supposed to be a cool little arts community...I'm excited to check it out...
Hi Everyone!
So everything went just fine at my OB appointment this morning...yay! Last visit my OB said I could have a scan and find out the sexes at 20 weeks, which is in two weeks...today she was saying she didn't need to see me again until 22 weeks, but I begged and pleaded and she relented and said 20 weeks would work. I'm just so excited to find out the sex of the babies and I've had 20 weeks in my mind for the past month...really didn't want to wait any longer. Plus we wanted to know before Thanksgiving because the whole family is going to be at our house and we wanted to share the news (although my brother and dad don't want to know...want to be surprised at the birth...not sure how we're going to work that exactly but we're going to try.)
And...my husband and I are going on a little trip next week and I am so ridiculously excited! For years and years I have traveled a huge amount for both work and pleasure (100 to 150 days/year)...it's been really different to be staying home for the most part with this pregnancy and while it's been nice, travel feels so much more like my normal state of being. My husband has a job interview gulf coast Mississippi and I'm going to tag along. It's on the beach and not far from New Orleans, so it could be cool. (My husband is graduating next May and we may be moving for work for him...everything is so up in the air right now...anything could happen [including staying where we are] so just not that worried about it at the moment). Next weekend is also my husband's birthday, and I have cool hotels booked (in Ocean Springs, MS and Mobile AL, which is where we're flying in and out of)...I just think it's going to be fun to drive around and explore a new place, go to the beach, out for some nice meals, just have a little vacation, you know? It's just a long weekend, but it's going to be sooooooo cool! And this is probably the last time I'll be able to fly before the babies are born (I'm a little on the fence about flying even now, but my doctor says it's fine and I'm going to be really careful to stay hydrated and rest, etc.)
Anyone know that area and have any suggestions on places to eat/things to do etc.?
XOXO
Image Credit: city-data.com.
Pregnancy: Week 17
Hi Everyone! Happy Monday!
I'm 18 weeks pregnant today...so amazing. I'm still so amazed that things keep going well each week that progresses. Still holding my breath about this a little. But things could not be going more smoothly.
Here's how the last week has been:
- Nausea. Still. Zofran helps, but I keep trying to go off it with pretty sucky consequences
- My lower back has been aching. Not all the time, but it's just seeming harder and harder to get comfortable. The backache goes away when I lie down
- I can't believe how big I am already! Several times this week I've felt like there is a balloon getting inflated inside of me...a fairly uncomfortable pushing/stretching out that lasts for a few hours. And it's already getting a little hard to move around, stand up after sitting on the couch, roll over in bed, put on my shoes, etc. And I know I am going to get WAY bigger...this is just the beginning
- Feeling pretty good and happy and positive (aside from the nausea, which just sucks)
- Yesterday and today I though MAYBE I felt some movement...way low in the center of my belly...I'm not totally convinced, though...hopefully I will feel something definitive this week!
- OB appointment tomorrow...a little nervous that she'll find something wrong (eg hearts no longer beating), but not too concerned as my belly is just growing like crazy. Finding out the sex is still two weeks away...I am getting impatient!
Hope everyone has a lovely week!
XOXO
How Do You Name Your Baby?
Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!
So I've been thinking a lot lately about naming the twins.
My husband and I have one boy name picked out, but other than that, nothing. We probably won't really work hard at this until we find out the sexes of the twins in a few weeks. But I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. I also think it's going to be fun, but seriously, how are two people supposed to come up with something so important, that is right for the child and also something we both love? It seems daunting.
It's great there are all sorts of lists of names/books with names out there, and maybe once I start going through them this will be easier.
I looked on the Internet, and there are naming quizzes (eg, "What's your baby naming style?")...I took two (here and here...yeah, I should be writing this afternoon...I'm good at procrastinating when I want to be), and one said I was a "classic" namer, the other that I was a "trendy" namer. Not helpful. (Also, the quiz questions were kind of lame.)
There's a website called the Baby Name Genie which as far as I can tell just randomly generates names (again, not helpful). And Nymbler, which might be more useful because you can type in or select names that you like and it will give you suggestions based on that.
Maybe the way to start is to eliminate big swaths of options (eg, for me, names that are impossible to pronounce/spell, names that are currently on the top 10 most popular list, ethnic names that have nothing to do with our ethnicity.)
Geeze, a name just seems so important...glad we have some time...I think we're going to need it.
I also know that I'll know when it's right. There will be no second guessing.
Anyone have any ideas on how to approach this? Is browsing through thousands and thousands of names to see which ones strike you really the way to go? Or is there a more targeted, logical way? If you have kids, how did you come up with their names?
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for spending some time here this week.
XOXO
What I've Been Reading
Hi Everyone!
It's been a long time since I've done a post like this, so I have a bit of a stack. Trying to figure out what to read next...insomnia is an issue these days and I need something fun and engaging, not too heavy for the middle of the night. And suggestions, please leave them in the comments. Thank you! :)
But anyway, back to what I've been reading over the past several months (from the bottom of the stack to the top):
- I Love Your Style, Amanda Brooks--I actually read this on bed rest after my FET way back in July, and it was the perfect, light read for then. The pictures are wonderful. Highly recommended if you like this kind of thing
- When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads, Barbara Luke and Tamara Eberlin--Obviously, only of interest if you're in the same boat I am, but I have found this book indispensible, especially as far as eating/weight gain guidelines and how to be careful and not overexert yourself (with exercise, travel, running around being an overachiever, etc). What this book had to say were things I needed to hear. It seems like so much out there is just opinion/what is currently in vogue...the recommendations in this book are based on solid medical research and thus I am very comfortable with them...I feel like my pregnancy is/is going to be so much healthier because of this book
- Waiting for Snow in Havana, Carlos Erie--I cannot begin to describe all the ways I love this book. It's about a young boy in a wealthy family around the time Castro came to power and his memories of that time (it's memoir, not fiction). The stories and the historical significance make it such an amazing read. The way it is constructed is also really unusual and I really liked it...it's readable just for the style alone. It was a little slow getting started, but once I got into it, I couldn't put it down...
- The Tender Bar, J. R. Moehringer--Another memoir and a very engaging read. About a boyhood on Long Island, a boy whose father had abandoned him, was living with his mom and extended family. One of my favorite parts was when he's 9 or 10 and he and his mom move out of state and he gets sent back to live with Grandma and Grandpa for the summer. His uncle also lives in the house, and he (the uncle) and his alcoholic friends from the bar start taking him (the kid) to the beach, and it just seems like the kind of situation where something bad is going to happen...I mean all these low-lifes can't be good for this young boy, right? But they are...they take really good care of him, watch over him and teach him things and become like a real family to him. There is sometimes love and kindness in the most unexpected places...
- Swamplandia!, Karen Russell--A story about a girl whose mother dies, leaving her and her brother and sister and dad with an alligator farm/attraction. Loved the weirdness of this book, and sometimes the language was beautiful and amazing, but overall did not like it as much as I wanted to. I read this right after The Tender Bar, and towards the end is the same sort of situation in terms of when it starts all you can think are bad things are going to happen--where the young girl goes off with a strange man into the swamp and I kept thinking oh, this can't be good and it wasn't...I was hoping I was wrong, but nope...
- The Road to Coorain, Jill Ker Conway--Another memoir (I'm loving memoirs right now), this one about a girl growing up in the Australian outback and then in Sydney. I really liked this book. Somewhere in the middle her brother is suddenly killed...I didn't know that was part of the book, and it was interesting to see how she handled it...it wasn't easy for her just like it hasn't been easy for me...
- The Immortal Life on Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot--This is a book about a line of cells called HeLa that has been used for medical research for decades. The cells were taken from a woman who was not informed of the fact and not compensated. Interesting read
- Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann--Oh, how I love this book. It's the story of a bunch of New Yorkers whose lives are all intertwined, about love and loss. I couldn't put it down. It starts with an event that really happened that I'd never heard of before, a man walking on a tightrope between the twin towers of the World Trade Center back in the early '70s. So interesting to read something about the World Trade Center that didn't have to do with 9/11. There is also a documentary about this guy called Man on Wire that's really good (although I pretty much love all documentaries...will watch one on almost any topic)...in the documentary one of the coolest things was...you know, the police of course, were trying to get this guy off the tightrope, but one of them, interviewed later, he was essentially saying, you know, I had to get him off there, that was my job, but what he was doing was so incredible, I sure didn't want to...
- The Blind Assain, Margaret Atwood--Really wanted to like this book. Really tried to get into it. Got to page 48 and then just could not make myself pick it up after that. Finally gave up. It's the only book in my stack that I didn't read, which has to be some kind of record...I am the queen of starting books and not finishing them
Have any of you read any of these? What did you think?
XOXO
Today Is Luke's Birthday
My brother, who was killed. Six years ago now. He would have been 33 today.
I don't feel like I can write about the reality of how I feel. I feel like I have to hide how I really feel and I hate it. No one wants to be around someone who can't move beyond something like this. The only story anyone wants to hear is the one where you go through hard times and triumph over them, come out the other side stronger and better. But that is just not the truth of what's gone on here, even though I try to pretend that (act as if) it is, every day.
This has totally destroyed the person I was. And I don't know what I'm left with. I get up every day and try, try to love all those in my life (and there are many wonderful people in my life...I get accused of being ungrateful of that fact, but truly I am not), try to be happy.
But the reality is I feel like I lost my life too, have from Day 1. I had a psychologist tell me once my brother and I, because we were so close were "fused," and because of that I have trouble seeing what happened to him as separate from what happened to me. That makes sense to me, makes sense of my strong, strong feelings that my life was taken away as well, feelings that persist to this day.
I feel so alone. So outside the norm of what grief is supposed to look like. So lost, still. And I have no idea what to do to make it better.
XOXO