Ugh. More Testing. Will it Ever End?
First, the good news: I'm on the calendar for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) for July 22! Yay! That means my FET cycle will be starting June 8th, which is so soon. I'm excited! :)
And then, the bad news: A bunch of my tests that the fertility clinic wants have expired, and need to be redone. UGH! Can I just complain about this for a minute? How many doctor's visits and blood draws and medical interventions is one girl supposed to endure? I hate this. I hate the time I have to take to schedule everything, and to go to everything, and to get local stuff sent over to Denver (things always have to be faxed two or three times for some reason...it's never straightforward). I hate having to make an extra trip to Denver. I hate the expense of it all. I hate the mental energy it takes up. I hate getting my blood drawn because I have terrible veins and they always have to try several times and sometimes they can't get a vein at all and I have to go home and come back the next day. I know it's silly to be upset about this, but I just wanted to have a little stretch of time without all this. I'm a terrible patient. I'm so tired of all this. I'm trying to stay in a place where I've very grateful all this is possible, but right now I'm just sick, sick, sick of it. I'm just getting so worn down...and time to recover from it all, which is what I've been trying to do, is seriously interrupted if I'm at the doctor all the time again.
Here's what they want:
- HSC or sonohystogram (I'm praying this isn't what they did to me last year that hurt INCREDIBLY badly, but I think that it is)
- Ultrasound
- CBC
- Thyroid hormones
- Pap smear
- Physical exam
- Breast exam
- Mammogram
- Communicable disease testing
There's been so much of this...I can't imagine my life not revolving around doctor's offices and blood draws and tests. I'm trying to be brave. My BFF always says to me: "You're so brave, all you're going through with this," and it makes me feel really good when she says that. But I'm not feeling very brave today.
XO
Chickens and Eggs
Happy Monday, Everyone!
My mom gave me eggs over the weekend, something she does on a regular basis. The eggs come from a friend of hers who has chickens. My dad and I were in the friend's neighborhood last summer, and we stopped by. Happy chickens running around a big grassy yard (with some big friendly dogs keeping them company). The eggs are so yummy, and they've got to be so good for you, and I love that the chickens have a good life (I'm a total softie for animals. I really should be a vegetarian.)
I grew up on a farm with chickens...they got shipped overnight as day-old chicks in a big cardboard box, and the post office would call my mom and say, "Can you please come pick up your package? The peeping is driving us CRAZY!" The babies would live in the kitchen, fenced in by walls of cardboard, with orange-red glowing heat lamps to keep them warm, until they were big enough to go to the chicken coop. Nothing's cuter than a fluffy pale yellow chick.
Anyway, I'm really cranky today/woke up on the wrong side of the bed (not sure why...probably has something to do with working a lot over the weekend), and trying to focus on the good things in my life. Eggs from these chickens--and remembering baby chicks--make me happy.
XO
Miscarriage: When Do You Start Feeling Better?
After the miscarriage, I stopped working on the baby sweater I'd been knitting and made this beach-y cotton cowl for myself. Love how it turned out, and it actually stayed cool enough to wear it a few times. :)
As of this past week, a month has gone by since we lost our tiny unborn baby. I was just days from being out of the first trimester when we found out...just about "safe" and so excited to tell everyone.
And it's funny, and surprising to me, there's not really a lingering sadness. The first couple weeks after it happened were awful, but since then...I don't know...it's just kind of gotten lumped into the ongoing drama of us trying to have a baby, which hurts, but I've been living with that particular hurt for so long I barely even notice it anymore. It feels funny to say this, and maybe I'm wrong, but it (the miscarriage) doesn't stand out as a part of this process that will continue to be hard down the road. Honestly, the two chemical pregnancies I had last year hurt just as much...but with those, there was really very minimal support...everyone, including my husband, didn't understand at all why I was so upset. So I kind of had to hide and be alone with my feelings there, which was hard. With the miscarriage, everyone around me was as upset as I was and was very supportive...I think maybe that's been why it hasn't been that hard to move forward...I grieved heavily and everyone around me was loving and helpful, and now I'm ready to look forward and move onto the next thing.
The other thing I think is interesting here and plays a role is: for months with the pregnancy I felt just terrible, and incredibly restricted. I had morning sickness pretty bad 24/7, and not being able to exercise is a big lifestyle change for me that's hard to deal with. And of course I am so, so happy to go through that again to be pregnant and have a baby, I don't mind AT ALL, but to go through months of that and wind up with nothing? Awful. And then to suddenly feel great physically after months of barely being able to drag myself out of bed, AND be allowed to go to yoga and on hard hikes and to take a hot bath and have a glass of wine if I want, etc...it's kind of been a relief to go back to my normal state for a short time (although please God let me be pregnant again in July and be totally restricted and sick all over again.)
Anyway, I just wanted to write little post about my experience with the miscarriage...that, while beyond awful at the time and for a few weeks after, I don't think it's going to be a long and lingering sadness. I'm sure having a plan to move forward and having embryos in the freezer helps with that too.
Others out there who have had this happen: did you feel the same way? Or was it harder for longer? I'm kind of surprised that it hasn't been worse for me.
Hope everyone is having a super-fun weekend!
XO
Genetic Testing Results: Turner Syndrome
Hey Everyone,
We got the results of our genetic testing from the miscarriage back last night. There was an abnormality with our baby, which was a girl. One of the X chromosomes was missing. This is apparently a common reason behind miscarriages, and is known as Turner syndrome.
I hate, hate, hate that we had to lose this baby, but I'm comforted by these results. There's a clear reason. It wasn't something I did and might do again without realizing it. And my (irrational, I know) fear that we killed a perfectly healthy baby by mistake can be put to rest. Also, Turner syndrome is not due to the age of the mother or father, and there's no reason to think it'll happen again...in other words, there's no reason to think the embryos we have in the freezer are compromised.
I complained a week or so ago about the genetic testing being done, but I totally take that back...having these results has given me a lot of peace of mind and hope for our next try. Also glad I now don't have to go through a bunch of new tests to see if something's wrong with me or my husband. Feeling good about moving forward. :)
XO
Yay! My Husband Is Almost Done With School for the Semester!
Meet Bob (above). Bob is the official study mascot around here...blue when at rest, a flickering green when turned on. When Bob's on (most afternoons/evenings), our dining room's full of guys studying Mechanical Engineering, and I try to make myself scarce (or occasionally, bake them cookies and/or dinner).
Tomorrow is my husband's last day of school (for this semester anyway...he's got one more year left) and I am thrilled to say that Bob is going into hibernation until the fall. My husband's had it so tough this semester...his dad dying right at the start, dealing with a crazy wife hopped up on IVF hormones and then pregnant, and then the miscarriage a month ago...it's been A LOT. Plus this is probably the hardest semester for him in a hard, hard major.
In the past he's worked during the summer, but this time he's taking the summer off. It's his last chance for some free time before school's over. Plus we want to travel and be able to do our out-of-town FET this summer without having to worry about his work schedule. Plus (and this is totally selfish, I hate to even admit it but I'm trying to be honest around here) I figure someday when the stars align and I can take the winter off to snowboard every day I can say to him, "Well, you got to have that summer off, remember? Now it's my turn." :)
Really psyched to spend a TON of time with him and not have to share him with all the guys he studies with (I totally get that he needs to study hard, and we make it work, but I think during school he really does spend more time with them than he does with me). And even though I'm working, I'm going to try hard to keep my workload managable.
It's gonna be a fun summer. :)
XO
Regroup With My RE: What Happened With the Miscarriage?
So I had a long phone conversation with my RE today--the first one I've had--about what happened with the miscarriage (which you can read about {here} and {here}).
First off, I am so, so happy to report that it looks like we will be getting some help from our insurance in terms of the tests etc. from this point forward. Apparently I have moved from an "infertility" diagnosis to a "recurrent pregnancy loss" diagnosis, and insurance generally covers the latter. It's silly, but somehow the fact that my insurance is willing to pay for some of this (hopefully) makes me feel less invisible and less alone. I'm so used to paying out-of-pocket for 100% of everything...I don't know...it just feels like now somebody cares about what is happening to me vs saying "this isn't a medical issue, deal with it yourself."
It seems like the big question my RE is asking is: Was it my body that caused this, or a genetic abnormality in the baby? The genetics aren't back yet (although I'm understanding more why it's good to have them...and the fact I don't have to pay for them [probably] makes me feel better about the fact they were done). My RE said if there IS an abnormality on the test, we don't need to do anything else except try again. (He also said the timing of my miscarriage [he called it "late"] is unusual if it's due to a genetic abnormality). If there is NOT an abnormality on the test, it could mean 1) there actually was one and the test couldn't pick it up (because the baby had been dead in my body for weeks), OR, 2) that it's me. In which case he wants to do a bunch of tests to rule out autoimmune/blood clotting issues (that apparently can be managed with medication if I have them). He also wants to do a genetic test on my husband that I guess they did for me at some point but not for him.
Anyway, all this just gets more and more complicated. Since the phone call I've kind of lost the zen I've had for the past week or so where I've just been focusing on nutrition and visualization and yoga etc...you know, stuff you can control. All this medical stuff has always felt pretty overwhelming to me...don't know how to relax more about it....need to figure out a way.
I guess we'll just be taking this next part step by step. Grateful there are still options and that my doctor's trying to get to the bottom of all this...
The Little Things...They Add Up
Happy Monday, Everyone!
I've been thinking a lot about the things I can do to get as healthy and happy and ready for what I hope will be our next (and finally, finally successful) pregnancy this summer. Something I read over the weekend in a book called {The Fertile Female} has really stayed with me. It's this:
A snowflake weighs next to nothing. But if too much snow accumulates on a tree branch, the branch will break. In other words, all the little things I can do in and of themselves may not do much, but it is the cumulative effect of everything that will (hopefully) bring me the desired outcome.
Hope everyone has a fabulous week!
XO
Image Credit: {lucysnowephotography} via Etsy.
FAQ Fridays: My Freelance Career
Q: What do you do for work?
A: I do freelance work in advertising as a copywriter/Creative Director.
Q: What does that mean, exactly?
A: I come up with the ideas for advertising campaigns/digital media, and/or do the writing needed to implement them.
Q: Do you come up with the ideas yourself?
A: No, I work as a team with an Art Director.
Q: Where do you work?
A: Generally out of my house, although sometimes I'll travel to be at an agency on-site or for some other reason (conventions, etc.).
Q: Is it hard to find clients?
A: I have been extraordinarily lucky and tend to have just a few steady clients at a time, working with them for years. Right now I'm working with 5 groups (out of San Francisco, Silicon Valley, San Diego, Denver, and Boston).
Q: How did you get this gig?
A: I worked at a REALLY good advertising agency in San Francisco (and that part was pure luck...I honestly would've gone to any agency that would have hired me...but ended up at one of the best in the country). I got trained by some amazing people, and made a ton of contacts. I've been freelancing almost 10 years now, and every single job I've had has come from those contacts in one way or another.
Q: So because you freelance does that mean you work weird hours and stuff?
A: Actually, I may sneak out for an hour or two here and there, but I'm pretty much a 9–5 Monday-Friday girl.
Q: Do you get lonely working at home?
A: A little. More so over the past year or two than I used to.
Q: What's your favorite thing about what you do?
A: I love the freedom. I work with a lot of people that are friends on a personal level and that's cool. I love making something cool. And I do work sometimes on websites or other programs that help people with a specific health condition (eg cancer) get the information they need to take better care of themselves....that work is really gratifying.
Q: What's the hardest thing about what you do?
A: For me it's been keeping my hours under control. For years I worked way over 40 hour weeks, partly because I have a hard time saying no, and partly because I was always scared the job I was being offered would be the last one. I don't have that fear so much anymore, which has helped me get on a more reasonable schedule. Plus my husband doesn't want to be married to a workaholic, so he's helped me reign in my hours, as well.
Q: What would you do if you weren't doing this?
A: If I were to take a full-time job in advertising, it would be as a Creative Director at an ad agency (and I know just where I'd want to go). I also have dreams of leaving advertising altogether to run a flower shop or a funky little motel or a coffee shop. I'd also love to figure out a way to get someone to pay me to snowboard and/or make creative stuff all day. Sigh. A girl can dream...
Oh, and also once we have a kid or two, I don't want to stop working entirely, but I want to cut way back. My husband's going to be done with school, too, in a year, which'll help make that a reality.
Q: What advice would you give to someone who wanted to do what you do?
A: I'm sure there are lots of ways to get into this line of work, but all I know is the path I followed: Work hard, get trained at the best agency you can find, do a good job, go out of your way to cultivate relationships...keep everyone's contact information and don't be afraid to call on these people for help. And that goes both ways...help anyone who asks it of you.
Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend! :)
XO
Image Credit: {Damian Ward}
Getting Organized
Spent part of today helping my mom make wire tomato cages for her organic garden. All along one side is lined with lilac bushes in full bloom...love that smell...reminds me of my childhood...
Happy Thursday, Everyone!
The weather's finally turned warm here on the western edge of Colorado, my husband's done with school (well, his Junior year, anyway) next week, I've got a little break in my work schedule, and I'm starting to feel a bit physically and mentally recovered from the miscarriage I suffered close to a month ago. The upshot of all this? I'm feeling like getting organized and ready for what feels like a new beginning: a few months of fun and travel, nice weather to enjoy the outdoors, a different focus for my writing, a new try for a baby.
On tap for the next week or so:
- Yard work: Weeding, planting some vegetable seeds, putting flowers in all of our pots on the back patio, sweeping off the back patio and getting everything ready for a nice summer with lots of time outdoors...
- Closet: It looks like a tornado hit in there. My husband always says he can tell how I'm feeling by how messy my closet is. I'm feeling more like the happy-clean-closet girl these days, so I need to make that a physical reality
- Office: I work out of my house and for months and months have needed to a) clean old files off my laptop, b) go through my physical files and get rid of stuff I don't need/actually file them in my file cabinet (vs having them piled everywhere), c) clean out my supplies, keeping only what I really use/need
- Plans for Getting as Healthy as Possible: I want to put together a kind of roadmap for myself for the next few months between now and our FET (diet, exercise, stress-reduction, etc.). I'll be sharing here...
- Plans for Writing: Over the first part of this year, I've been pushing myself to finish up pieces of writing that I've started, and submit these for publication. This summer, I want to take a break from trying to publish and really focus on writing some new material. I hate the business side of writing...really looking forward to immersing myself in the fun, creative part of it...
- Travel/Fun: My husband and I want to have some fun and relax and be happy before gearing up for our next big fertility procedure. Will probably include a trip for just the two of us to some exotic locale. Yay! All sorts of plans should be getting put into place in the next week or two...
- A Few Little Treats: A few new throw cushions for the furniture on the back patio. A couple rocking chairs for our side patio, which is currently empty (I have this lovely vision of my husband and I sitting out there sipping iced tea and playing cribbage). A little footstool or two because my OB nurse told me it's not good for me to sit cross-legged or with my feet tucked under me, and yet I'm never comfortable sitting in a chair normally with my feet on the floor...
It's going to feel so good to get organized! Yay for looking ahead!
XO
Writing/Creativity: Check Out This Post
Today I want to link y’all out to a blog post by Austin Kleon (discovered via {this post})--entitled “How to Steal Like and Artist (And 9 Other Things Nobody Told Me).” You can access his post/presentation by clicking {here}.
A couple things really stood out for me:
First, he talks about "writing the book you want to read/writing what you LIKE" (vs what you KNOW, which is what all writers are told at one point or another). (And if you paint or make music or blog, etc, substitute the correct verb for those activities…it applies just the same.)
Right now and I think a lot this summer, I’m working/going to be working on this weird little collection of non-fiction stories from the seven years I lived in San Francisco (1996-2003). This is exactly what I’m doing with these stories. It’s a book I wish I could find and devour. I’m also not liking reading fiction much these days, although I keep thinking of going back to it in my writing. But I really want to read and write nonfiction at the moment, so I should probably just go with that vs fighting it. And I keep worrying about how I’m writing about San Francisco, because it's a kind of experimental form, the structure's weird (read: not as commercially viable as it would be if I were writing it straight). But I like reading things like what I’m writing, things that don't necessarily follow the normal linear model. And it’s how this book wants to be written, so…
Love this quote:
“The best way to find the work you should be doing is to think about the work you want to see done that isn’t being done, and then go do it.”
The other thing that really resonated with me was Mr. Kleon’s stating that "creativity is subtraction."
“It’s often what an artist chooses to leave out that makes the art interesting. What isn’t shown vs what is.”
Again with my San Francisco stories, I’m leaving a lot out. They’re very short and spare, ask people to work hard reading between the lines. I’ve been wondering if that’s a good strategy. It’s nice to hear from someone that leaving things out is a viable, even desirable option. (Not that I need someone to tell me how to write this book. It's just nice to have some external validation every once in a while, you know?)
Anyway, hope y'all enjoy!
XO
Oh, and PS, his slides are AWESOME…light on text, lots of pictures, used to get across the big idea, vs the PowerPoint slides you often see, with tiny text and tons of bullets…the worst. I do slide presentations for work sometimes and my philosophy (nicely illustrated by Mr. Kleon’s slides) has been hugely influenced by a book called {Presentation Zen}. If you do presentations, I highly recommend checking it out.
Image credit: {Austin Kleon}.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
One of the gophers we saw on Sunday. This little guy let us get up close for a picture...my husband joked this gopher must be on the "Gopher/Human Relations" Committee. "They know that if we think they're cute, we won't kill 'em," he said.
You guys are going to think I'm kidding when I tell you this, but I'm not. Often my husband and I will go out for lunch or dinner and then have the following conversation:
Me (or him): "What do you want to do now?"
Him (or me): "I don't know...go visit the gophers?"
There's some undeveloped land a couple miles from our house that's got a gopher colony...they're actually prairie dogs, but we call them gophers because the first time we saw them they were hanging out in a vacant lot next to a convenience store called "Go-pher Foods."
Anyway, an endless source of amusement for us is to drive by and check out what the prairie dogs are doing. We miss the big city, but have certainly found ways to entertain ourselves...
Small towns. Gotta love 'em...
XO
Hiking in Moab, UT
Happy Monday, Everyone!
Today I wanted to share a few pictures from Moab, UT, where my parents and I went hiking on Friday. Friday was the anniversary of my brother's death, and has traditionally been a really tough day for me (although this year it wasn't too bad...a few days before was much worse.)
Anyway, I don't know what to do with painful days except to try to go and make some good memories with the people you love who are still alive, so off to Moab we went.
First was Arches National Park, which I've been to a number of time. I think Delicate Arch is one of the most beautiful things on the planet, so we went there.
Photos, clockwise from left: My parents on the trail up to Delicate Arch; a cool old, old, old tree on the side of the trail, Delicate Arch with me (tiny, tiny) at the base.
After Delicate Arch, we got lunch in Moab at the Moab Diner. There was a car show in town (actually starting Saturday), but I got a few pictures of cars on the street. Love the colors on old cars, and their logos...kind of along the same lines as my obsession with old hotel signs.
And then in the afternoon, we went hiking again just outside of Moab in Negro Bill's Canyon, where I'd never been. There's a beautiful stream that runs through, which is unusual in this part of the world. And at the end of the trail is this unbelievable arch...it's hard to show in pictures...imagine a huge arching rainbow overhead.
Photos, clockwise from left: Me at the base of the arch (and source of the stream); the stream meandering through the canyon; the arch from below.
All in all a lovely day.
Hope everyone's week is fabulous!
XO
A Letter to My Brother, Six Years After His Death
How cool is it when your brother's in the band? A picture from one of his many shows...
Dear Luke,
Six years. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in others, that life I had with you seems so far in the past it’s almost as if it never happened. I hope you’re OK and that this hasn’t been as horrible and traumatic for you as it’s been for me.
Would you be surprised by the life I’m living? I had to leave our house in Santa Barbara, and all of California, behind. There just wasn’t the joy there without you. I never really surfed again after you died, which has been such a huge loss (although I brought three of the surfboards with me when I left, including the one with the panther on the nose that was yours but you always let me ride)…I’ve never been happier than early mornings in the surf with you. Once I stopped surfing, there wasn’t a good reason to stay. And I was seeing my now-husband (he had been working your old job up in Alaska, which is how we met)…he had moved to Seattle and I was so sad and lonely in the house you and I had shared…I thought maybe it would be better to go. I made the right decision to go be with my husband, but I’m still not sure if leaving California was the right thing. It’s hard to know if I miss IT, or I miss the life I had there that no longer exists. Would I be happy going back? I don’t know.
I lived in Seattle with my soon-to-be husband for six months…but it was winter and so grey and I was so sad…my husband thought I might do better closer to mom and dad, and so that’s how we ended up back in Colorado.
I’m married now, as you can tell. I work a lot less. I have your dog Dexter…I think he still misses you. I snowboard instead of surf (and sometimes when I’m out alone I sit on the side of a run and cry, I want you there with me so bad.)
My husband’s great…you would love him. We’re trying to have a baby, but that’s not going so well. I keep thinking a birth, some life, some pure joy would help me not to hurt so bad from your death and the loss of that whole happy life as a California surfer girl…I mean, I want to have a baby for so many more reasons than that, but I can’t help thinking having something happy to share with people instead of being the one who’s had to bear so many hardships…
I like to think of you in some happy and peaceful place, with a Jeep and my dog Shaye who died the year before you did, she’s hanging out on the beach while you surf the perfect waves and you don’t have to struggle anymore…you don’t have to deal with all the heartbreak you dealt with in this life, all the trying to figure things out and how are you going to find a girl to love and are you going to be an architect or stay the free spirit who can’t resist heading up to Alaska every time spring comes around. You don’t have to deal with disappointments and you don’t have to be sad when people you love die and you get to be the golden 27-year-old who did exactly what he wanted to do with this life—you’ll be that man forever.
I felt for a long time that when you died, I died too. I don’t feel that way anymore. There’s my husband now, and mom and dad and our brother, and I have such amazing friends and I’m trying to figure out something good to do with all the many years I probably have left. I do know life will never be the same without you. I’m glad it was you and not me, that you haven’t had to go through what we all have since you died (although I’m sure you would have done it with much more grace and poise than I). I’m not afraid to die, because it means I’ll get to be with you.
I love you, and please come visit me like you visit other people. I haven’t had a single sign that you’re in some way still here.
With love beyond measure,
Kristen
Follow-Up With My OB, And Should I Hold Out Any Hope of Getting Pregnant on Our Own?
D&C follow-up appointment with my new OB today. Really like my new doctor, she just has a very kind way about her.
Not much to report, which is a good thing. I'm still bleeding a little 2 weeks post-procedure, which she says is normal. She says I should get my period 2 to 4 weeks after the procedure, so sometime in the next 2 weeks. I am FINALLY allowed to have sex and hot baths again...yay!
My doctor also told me it would be fine (no danger to a new baby so soon after miscarriage) if I got pregnant between now and when we do the FET (which we think will be July). And told me the story of a patient of hers who tried for 11 years to get pregnant and had 2 failed IVFs and then got pregnant TWICE naturally. I hear stories like this all the time. A dear friend of mine actually had this happen...9 years of trying, a successful IVF, and then after she got pregnant naturally.
So of course a little part of me wants to get my hopes up. It's so hard to have that hope, though, because it means I'll be disappointed when my period comes. So much easier just to assume it won't happen and not try and just plan for the FET...then I don't have to deal with the disappointment/letdown. Plus my husband needs a break from all this...no way are we going to be timing things etc. over the next few months. It's hard to know where to land here.
Oh, and yay...I've lost 6.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks (I've been trying hard, too, really watching what I eat and exercising). That's the baby weight...now I just need to lose the 10 pounds I gained from the IVF drugs and I'll be happy. I didn't really mind gaining the weight when there was a baby involved, but after the miscarriage I hate it, hate it, hate it.
There should be more information when we meet with our RE next Friday...
Am I Over Reading in General, or Just Fiction?
The library books I've been trying to read...
Writing about Seattle's library made me miss library trips. So I went to my local library a few weeks back (while I was still pregnant...I figured a stack of books would be good for me as sick as I was feeling and as much time as I was spending in bed). I checked out the above books based on recommendations in the media/from blogs/from friends. Didn't do so well getting through the stack, which I read from the bottom up (most frothy to most literary). Here's how it went:
- Mini Shopaholic, Sophie Kinsella. This series is so sweet and light, but this book I couldn't get into. Too repetitive? A totally bratty little kid? Not sure. Pages read: ~50.
- Prep, Curtis Sittenfeld. I think I just wasn't really into reading about high school students. Pages read: ~25.
- My Hollywood, Mona Simpson. Mothers who pawn their kids off on nannies and don't seem at all happy with their kids or their marriages. Pages read: ~100 because the writing was interesting, but I'm just not good with reading books whose characters I dislike.
- The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet, Reif Larsen (and you can see the book's cool website here). A really sweet story, interestingly written with lots of footnotes, side notes, notes in the margins, diagrams, etc. Got it because of this blog post. Best thing I've read in a while. Would love to write a book like this. Pages read: All.
{Miscarriage happened about here.}
- Loving Frank, Nancy Horan. A woman who leaves her husband and kids. Could not get into it, but that may not have been the book's fault. Pages read: ~15.
- Never Let Me Go, Kazuo Ishiguro. Couldn't even start, my record with all these other books was so dismal. Pages read: 0.
I used to read voraciously, and now it's so very hard for me to get into anything. I think it might just be novels that I'm having such a hard time with, though. I'm going to get a stack of nonfiction books and see how that goes. I'll report back.
Anyone want to recommend a good nonfiction book I could pick up?
XO
Genetic Testing: The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
Really, how can you be sad when you come across cute little dogs in the nursery?
As most of you know, two weeks ago we found out that my pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. A phone conversation with my RE's office about an hour later:
Me: "What do you guys need from my local OB?"
Them: "The notes in your chart. The ultrasound. And if you can get genetic testing done, we want the results."
So the next day when I went in for the D&C, I had a list for my OB of what my RE wanted, including genetic testing if possible.
We got the bill for genetic testing yesterday. Almost $3,000.00. Crap.
So here's the deal: I take responsibility for not asking why they needed genetic testing done and/or asking how much it would cost. But come on, I was grieving heavily, how can I be expected to think this through and ask all the right questions at a time like that? I don't understand why genetic testing was necessary. This was my first miscarriage. I don't even want to know the answers to genetic testing. I think it's going to make all this hurt worse to know if it's a boy or a girl. And if there was a genetic abnormality, I think that will be comforting in a way, because then the miscarriage was "nature's way of taking care of things." But if the baby was perfectly normal, what does that mean? I think it's going to make me scared to try again. I don't know, maybe there's a good reason to have genetic testing done that I'm missing, but right now I'm just pissed about the cost, and that I wasn't asked if I wanted to do it, I was just told to get it done if I could.
And then I start thinking about how we're going to pay for it (if insurance doesn't cover it, which I'm praying they will). I can work more hours to get the money, but I'm so sick of working like crazy to get money to do fertility treatments that fail. And this is on top of all the other bills for this pregnancy (meeting my insurance's high deductible, all the blood draws for my RE that aren't covered by insurance), and we also need to get the money together for the FET this summer. Ugh. We can do it, but there is so much more I'd rather spend the money on (plus I don't want to work the extra hours needed to get the money).
And then I start thinking about how hard fertility treatments are to go through and how scared I am of our next round of this not working and what happens if in the end we can never have a family...ugh...just going to the darkest place imaginable.
And THEN, I have been having a terrible time working. I'm just now getting to the end of Monday's "TO DO" list on Tuesday afternoon. One of the things I do for work is put together websites, and we have a big presentation tomorrow and a website that doesn't have a headline...I called my Art Director (who's also a close friend) in tears earlier, I was so frustrated with my inability to write anything remotely usable. She talked me off the ledge and sent me thinking in a different direction and I finally, finally got it done. And then my mom brought me lunch and listened to me talk about my fears and took me to the nursery to buy some flowers for my garden this summer. This is all after my husband had me crawl back in bed with him early this morning and held me while I cried.
So the point of this long, rambling post is: I am just barely holding on, and something like a genetic testing bill can totally send me over the edge. But there are people to pull me back. And what do you do but tell the people you need that you need them, and then just try to keep soldiering on?
XO
Kremmling and Rabbit Ears Pass
Hi Everyone!
Wanted to share a few photos today of my weekend trip with my brother. We met in Dillon, CO, and then drove to Kremmling, which is a tiny town to the north. There we took a walk around town, had Mexican food, hung out and got an early night's sleep.
Clockwise from above left: A fiberglass elk in front of one of the businesses, an old snowmobile on top of another, a cool old motel sign...love it.
Got up at 5:30 AM the next morning, dressed, had a quick breakfast at a cafe where they also made us sandwiches to go for lunch and got on the road.
Here's (above) a picture of Miss Leah, my brother's dog. My BFF gave Leah her pink sparkle collar...love that my brother still lets her wear it...it's so opposite what he would have picked for her.
No snow in Kremmling, but TONS at the top of Rabbit Ears Pass, where we went to snowmobile and snowboard. Top photo: The "rabbit ears" Rabbit Ears Pass is named for. Bottom photo: The snow we drove out into on our snowmobiles from the parking lot. Incredible amounts of snow up there.
Had never snowmobiled before...it's fun. And exhausting...tons of work to keep the machine where you want it to go. Early morning we found a great little hill my brother rode me to the top of and I snowboarded down. About 3 inches of powder and then kind of a crispy layer under that...but what can you expect at the end of April, right? But it was just me on the mountain so fresh tracks every run. By 10 AM the snow was not really worth boarding in it was so wet and sticky. So we rode around on the snowmobiles/dug out the snowmobile I got stuck over and over (hey, I was learning).
Super fun day. So incredibly happy I have a brother to go on little adventures with. Thanks Ben!
XOXO
A Little Break From All This...
An old friend of mine is visiting, which has been wonderful...took the day off yesterday and had fun running around town.
And today I'm headed up to the mountains to meet my brother. I know, I know, it's late April and not exactly snowboarding season, but I was so sad I didn't get to go this year, and for nothing with the miscarriage. It's going to be great to get out at least once. It's raining here so there should be snow in the mountains.
Back Monday...
Photo Credit: arielmatzuk.
What If They Were Wrong?
I put away the baby sweater I was working on and started knitting this happy rainbow-y cotton cowl instead. Although it’s probably going to be too warm to wear it by the time I finish. Another little story about people being nice…my next door neighbor and I are in the same Saturday knitting group, and my colored thread was getting all tangled…she put aside what she was doing to help me untangle it and wrap it around cup warmers. Such a little gesture but so sweet and so nice.
All kinds of crazy thoughts going on in my mind this week (reference Tuesday’s post), and today it is: what if my new OB was wrong about the baby being dead? I mean, I know that’s not really a possibility, and it’s nothing personal with my new OB, because I trust her and don’t have any reason in the world to doubt her competence. It’s not about her, it’s just…what if there were a mistake? I felt this way when we went home after her telling us the baby had died. And I asked her right before they started drugging me for the D&C.
“There’s no way you could be wrong, is there?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “Unfortunately it’s a very clear diagnosis. There’s no question.”
So why do I have this nagging fear that with the D&C we killed a perfectly good baby by mistake? Is this the denial phase of grief or something? But it’s not really denial because I know the baby’s gone. Ugh, can all these crazy thoughts just go away? What’s going on with me?
Does Anything Good Come Out of All This?
My dad brought us daisies the day of the D&C...he brought me daisies when I was sick when I was little, so they have a really personal meaning. And my mom brought us this lovely little ceramic angel.
When my brother died, something a lot of people told me was you have to look for the good that came out of the situation. Like they would say, "If your brother hadn't died, you never would have met your husband," (which is a story for another post). I personally believe I would have met my husband anyway, but that's beside the point. Or they would say: "Think of how this has made you a stronger and more compassionate person." Well, I'm sorry, but nothing you gain is worth a person you love so much being killed at age 27. Nothing. Nothing made me madder than that comment.
And although I haven't heard that yet with the death of our unborn baby, I've been thinking about it a lot, for some reason. And while I'm still going to maintain that no good comes out of this situation, if I try to understand what the people who say this mean, I think it would be something like this:
People can be so kind, and you really don't always get to see that in day-to-day life. But you do see it when something bad happens. Like with my parents bringing us gifts last week and saying, "Let us know what you need, we're here for you." My friends listening to me cry and calling and texting to check up on me. My work and my husband's school making allowances for us. The kindness of the doctors and nurses the day we had the D&C. The love and support from everyone in blog-land. And back with what happened to my brother, all the people who helped the best they knew how--his best friends who moved in with me so I wouldn't have to live those first few months alone (my brother and I had lived together). My husband who I'd just met making sure I got the help that I needed. The 17-year-old who lived with me over the next year (another story for another blog post) helping me heal in his kind and gentle way. Etc.
Bad things remind me of the good in the world. Is it worth what you have to lose to find this out? No. But it is a nice thing to know.
PS. My brother seems to be sneaking into a lot of my posts lately. The anniversary of his death is next week, and right now he's pretty constantly on my mind...