11 Week 5 Day Ultrasound: It’s Over
My worst fear in being pregnant has been a missed miscarriage, which is where you’ve lost the baby but don’t know it. I haven’t talked about it, because in a weird way I thought doing so might make it happen.
Well, it’s happened anyway.
No heartbeat today at our OB appointment, and our baby hasn’t grown much beyond the 8 week ultrasound we had where everything was totally fine.
I had some scary stuff happen last week (which I’ll talk about at some point), but before that nothing, and after that I convinced myself that everything was going to be OK because I still felt so pregnant. My fertility clinic now says the placenta’s still in there making hormones, which explains why I’ve still felt like everything was going along as planned.
D&C tomorrow.
We are pretty much just numb at this point.
Ugh.
Oh, and PS, yesterday our dog Newton chewed the baby sweater I was knitting to shreds…the needle that was in the knitting is now in 10 pieces. My husband and I have been joking that the dog was trying to let us know.
And PPS, I can’t believe I missed the entire snowboarding season for nothing. My brother said he’ll meet me, though, if something (A Basin?) is still open once I’m recovered from the D&C. Bless him.
We’ll be doing a frozen transfer as soon as we can. Need to be nice to ourselves in the meantime.
Oh, and I know this post sounds kind of flippant and devoid of emotion…the shock and grief and anger are coming, I’m sure. Right now I just can’t believe this is happening.
Should You Get Excited After You’re Finally Pregnant?
Finally…a good pregnancy test, followed by a second. I feel happy and peaceful and like I don’t have to drag an enormous burden of sadness around with me everywhere I go anymore.
But. I’m cautious. I don’t even want to write the word “miscarriage,” but it’s a possibility, I know. I don’t want to dwell on it, but I’m feeling the need to protect myself, to stay as neutral as possible, until the first trimester is done in April. After that, I read somewhere, there’s only a 1% chance of miscarriage, so I’ll be, for the most part, safe.
What this means:
- NO baby-related purchases until then
- NO changing anything in the house (eg, getting started on a nursery)
- NO knitting baby clothes, or even looking at patterns
- NO making broad general announcements about my pregnancy (although my friends and family who read my blog know)
- NO crazy-deep attachment to the baby/ies
And I feel kind of bad about this last point. But I’ve read that it’s entirely normal to feel this way after IVF, especially if, as is usually the case, there have been many years of trying to get pregnant before the successful cycle occurs.
I know what’s going on…I’ve had so many disappointments and things go wrong…I’m just trying to emotionally guard against making something bad happen be any worse.
I’m sure as time goes on and my pregnancy becomes more viable how I feel will change, but right now I’m just trying to stay relatively unexcited and calm, while striving to do everything I need to do 100% right (take my medications, eat right, get some light exercise, rest, minimize stress, no travel, etc.)
The answer to the get excited question is different for every woman, of course. For me, I think it’s a question of feeling safe. Every week that goes by without incident I’ll feel a little safer. Every step--each ultrasound, weaning off the medications that I’m on, transitioning away from the fertility clinic to my OB--each thing that goes right I’ll let a little more of the excitement it. I don’t think it’s an either/or thing, but something that will happen gradually.
I’m happy--so happy, don’t get me wrong. Just trying to keep that jump-up-and-down excitement for the time being at bay.
Pregnancy Test Drama That Ended Well
So I waited ALL DAY by the phone yesterday to hear the results of my second pregnancy test. I was really anxious to hear, because last year, every positive pregnancy test I got was followed by news that the baby wasn't going to stick. I needed that good second test to feel like I was really and truly pregnant.
6 PM and still no call, so I called the after-hours line at my out-of-town clinic, and they said they never received the results from my local blood draw. And they had left the office for the evening. Nothing to be done. Ugh.
So I called the hospital in my small town where I had my blood drawn, and they said they HAD faxed the results, but they couldn't give the results to me because it was against their policy to give results directly to patients. Ugh. I started crying because A) I'm crazy-hormonal right now, and B) I didn't know how I was going to make it 'til Monday to find out.
Long story short, the tech on the phone hinted that if I came to the hospital they might be able to do something. They all know me...I've come in for what seems like a thousand blood draws over all my IVF cycles last and this year.
When I got there, the tech had a printout with my VERY GOOD test number on it, even thought it wasn't something she was supposed to do, and she all but hugged me, she was so happy for me...she and everyone else in the blood draw center knows how long I've beeen trying to get pregnant. God bless her.
How nice to have experienced the kindness of that tech, and to get the news from someone who is really pulling for me. In the end it worked out perfect.
Transitioning From Being an Infertility Patient to Being Pregnant
This is a big shift for me. Some of the stuff that's on my mind today:
- Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for my clinic to call with my second beta result, for which I had blood drawn this morning. A good result means I'm pretty solidly pregnant. A bad one means I'm probably miscarrying. There's no reason to think it'll be bad, except that things have gone wrong over and over and over again...it's hard to have faith that everything is going right
- Laying down for an hour or two in the afternoons...lovely. How much am I loving my work-from-home job right now? Haven't been sleeping well, so really need that rest. Plus, who knows what my body's doing/needing at the moment, aside from the insomnia?
- All the restrictions I was hating during the two week wait (no yoga, no hikes, no wine, no tea, no snowboarding, no baths, etc., etc., etc.) are no big deal if there's a reason for them, like it's good for an actual baby/ies
- Feeling all of a sudden like being social again. I've really isolated myself, with this cycle in particular and this past year over all the cycles I've done in general...and really the not wanting to be around people much goes all the way back to when my brother died...it's been hard for me to do things feeling like tragedy has changed me in a way that sets me apart from the world. It's a good sign I want to call and see people...that's not a place I've been for a while
- Speaking of my brother, it's progress in me getting over his death that my first thought after finding out I was pregnant was not about him. It was about my husband and our parents and a few close friends and my brother who is alive who is awesome...it's only when I called my alive brother that I got sad thinking I couldn't call my dead brother. But this is big for me...even my wedding two years ago...it ended up being an incredibly happy day, but I was hesitant to get married because my dead brother couldn't be there (my hesitation had NOTHING to do with my husband...he is wonderful), and the whole day was planned around making it so it would be OK if I lost it (very small, reception at our home, etc.) That feeling of not wanting to do something because my dead brother can't be a part of it--it's not here with this. Which is as is should be. I have to let my dead brother go, or I'm not going to ever have any chance of being happy
- I know a lot about what to do with infertility, almost nothing about being pregnant. Some baby books or some such may be in order
- My husband has already picked out boy and girl names. Too cute
- Overall, there is such a feeling of lightness that's coming along with all this...like I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore
- I promised myself no matter how sick/uncomfortable I am during this pregnancy, I'm not going to complain. Not one word. (Well, I might talk about some things on this blog, but not one negative word to my husband. I'm just so incredibly grateful to be in this position)
- Pretty much all I want to eat right now is bean burritos
- Still waiting, waiting, waiting for that call from the clinic. It's 5:30 PM...geeze. My clinic's great but this is ridiculous...
Photo credit: Conor Keller.
And at the End of The Two Week Wait We Have...
...a positive pregnancy test!!!!!!
I am beyond thrilled. And a little shell-shocked. I've had, I don't know, about 50 months in a row where the news has been bad, not good. The first 25 or so of those months it was no big deal, the last 25 it was increasingly gut-wrenchingly awful. Wow. I'm pregnant. And I know it's early, and a lot can go wrong still, but I don't know, I just feel in my gut that this is it, this is going to work out for us, there is going to be a huge shift in my world where for once I'm the bearer of happy, not awful news. It's been so incredibly long since that was the case.
Happy, very happy. And grateful. Things can go right in my world. :)
IVF Interviews (cont.): Elise
So for our last interview in this series, we have Elise. A friend of mine knows her and put us in touch when I was first trying to choose a clinic...she was a great help with information/recommendations then, and an inspiring success story, as well, as she now has her amazing son. And I cried when I read her answers to my questions...I can so relate to so much of what she is saying.
Thanks so much, Elise, for participating! :)
1. Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
Where do I start? It took us three and a half years of heartbreak until I finally was able to become a momma. When I was about 16 years of age, my OB at the time diagnosed me with endometriosis. He said I would have very painful periods and that I might have trouble getting pregnant one day. At this time in my life, I could deal with the pain and getting pregnant? That news didn’t affect me because I was young and pregnancy was the furthest thing I wanted, Well, fast forward to years later when my husband and I decided to “pull the goalie” and my doctor’s words came back to haunt me with each period and negative pregnancy test. One time I was late by a few days and getting excited, but low and behold, my period came back with a vengeance. It hurt so badly that I figured I was having a miscarriage. This led me to a phone call to my OB, Dr. Kelly Lennon. Lennon was sweet and asked how long I had been trying. I responded over a year. He had me come into his office. I had not been pregnant, it was just my endometriosis giving me a hard time. That call started our infertility saga. A couple of month’s later, I had surgery to remove the scar tissue in and around my uterus due to endometriosis. And literally two months after my surgery, we had success! We were pregnant!!! We were beyond thrilled and so happy. But that happiness only lasted 10 weeks.
At ten weeks, I went in to the Doctor to have a check up. They tried to find a heartbeat with the sonogram, but no luck. So, I received an ultrasound. My baby had died. That was the worst moment of my life so far. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think of those numbing moments. The image of my baby without a heartbeat still haunts me and breaks my heart. The next day, I had a D and C. I was numb throughout the whole process. I cried, but the real pain didn’t start until I came home childless.
My husband and I were persistent in trying after our miscarriage, but I kept getting my period. Thinking back on those times, I can safely say they were my darkest days. I became so envious of my friends with kids. I knew that I shouldn’t be so jealous and that I should just been happy for everyone with swollen bellies, but I wasn’t. I hated that life was so unfair.
We tried for one year after our miscarriage before we got help. This was too long, but we thought since we got pregnant naturally once, it might happen again. It didn’t. So, after one year we went to CCRM. We had every test in sight, and as you know, they are not pleasant. I had the tube test, I had a uterine biopsy, and so many blood tests. Sure enough, my endometriosis was causing the problem. They started me off with 5 rounds of IUI. We had no luck. So, we were at a stopping point and the only thing left to do was IVF. It wasn’t a hard decision for me, but my husband struggled a little. He hated the cost, of course. But, he was still clinging to some glimmer of hope that we would get pregnant like everyone else. I am pretty sure he imagined drinking too many margaritas and whamo, pregnant. Anyway, we went through IVF. I hated the shots and I hated feeling like, what the heck am I injected my poor body with?! But, in the end they were able to retrieve plenty of healthy eggs and we had 2 embryos implanted. The wait was hard, but the news was great! We were pregnant. One of my embryos had implanted and now we are blessed with an amazing son. When I watch him play or feel him in my arms, I am certain that he was worth the wait!
2. How did you pick your clinic?
We picked our clinic by word-of-mouth through friends who had good experiences. We ended up at CCRM and were very happy there. However, my advice to anyone going through this would be that no matter what, you need to stay on top of your treatments with your nurse. I would ask as many questions as possible and I wouldn’t do anything that feels not right or uncomfortable. You are in charge of your body.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
That is the million-dollar question, because I am not sure if I did stay sane. I tried to appear normal. I went to work each day, came home, worked out, made dinner, etc. But deep down inside I was always in pain. I longed for a baby. It seemed that everyone around me was getting pregnant and all the swollen bellies I had to look at crushed me. It made me feel anxious, envious, jealous and so terribly sad. I tried to make myself feel happy by planning fun date nights or a spa day, but really my infertility was an enormous piano that I carried around with me. If you were to ask outsiders about this, they probably wouldn’t have noticed my pain because I learned to hide it so well, but really it was there and weighed a lot.
Now, during my IVF cycle, something inside me changed. I became sane because I knew I was no longer guessing. It was either going to work or not. I stayed sane by staying positive. I had a mantra that went, “you are doing the best you can.” And that was it. I was using the top technology with the top doctors. I treated my body like a temple, I didn’t drink, eat chocolate, have coffee. I literally was doing the best I could and it was in God’s hands.
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
I tried to pamper myself especially when I got my period. I would get my nails done with a friend, drink good wine, read a good book, watch movies, etc. One period, I was feeling so bummed that my husband and I decided to do something different. We went indoor-skydiving. It was so fun and a great pick-me-up.
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
Yes. It was hard on our marriage, but not hard in a negative “we are going to break up way.” It was hard in a “we are on the same team but damn this is a rough road” kind of way. I know I am lucky because I have an incredible husband. He was my rock during all of the heartbreak. He picked me up time and time again, both literally and figuratively. He was gentle with my emotions and knew the pain I was in. We stayed strong by becoming teammates throughout the process. We are still stronger because of our infertility road. I can say that because of our infertility journey, we are better parents because we learned how to really communicate with one another.
6. Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
The two week wait is not fun! It can drive a sane person insane. My advice is to keep as busy as possible. I put my head into my work, which was a nice distraction. At night, I read books, watched movies, called friends, and I tried my hardest not to think about what was to come. I never took a home pregnancy test during the IVF process because I was on so many hormones that I didn’t want to get a false positive and be crushed. If you are going through the two week wait, just try to do anything to get your mind off the matter at hand.
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
I wouldn’t have done much differently, except I wouldn’t have waited so long to get help. We let months pass by before we got help just thinking that we would get pregnant. I would have been more proactive.
8. What’s it like when it’s all over?
When I gave birth to my son, and the nurses put him on my chest, all the pain, envy, anger, frustration melted away. Literally holding him for one second, all of the negative and all of the tears disappeared. All I felt was complete. It is an incredible sensation. I also feel blessed each day to have a baby. I don’t take him for granted and I always appreciate every step of parenthood, even the trying moments.
9. How has this process changed you?
I learned a lot about myself, my marriage, and my relationships with friends and family through the infertility process. I learned who I could trust with my inner-most feelings and I learned that I am one strong woman.
10. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
My advice is to keep reminding yourself that if you really want to be a mom, you will be. I have friends who have had success with IVF, but I have also had friends who adopted and all of them feel so in love with their children and so happy to be moms. You will be a mom! My other advice is to take good care of yourself and don’t be hard on yourself. This is a trying enough experience and it is very important you value yourself and your body even though you may feel like it is failing you. I would also say to get a good acupuncture therapist or any therapist because they really seemed to help me.
12. Anything else?
Hang in there! Breathe! You will be a mom!
IVF Interviews (cont.): Angie
Today, our second-to-last day of interviews, we have Angie, who is expecting twins! Angie is a fellow Colorado girl and a fried of Elise's (which makes her a friend of a friend of a friend of mine). You'll meet Elise tomorrow, by the way.
Thanks so much, Angie, for chiming in here! And congrats again on your twins...so happy for you! :)
1. Hi Angie! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
We started our infertility path in June 2009. I was taken off birth control 2-3 years prior (for other health concerns) and my husband Kevin and I just went with it and hoped one day we would just get a Surprise!!! But after 2 years of no accidental pregnancies I began to wonder if something was off. We started to really get worried after about 6 more months of ovulation predictor kits, taking mucinex, and timed intercourse with still no results. At that time my OB/GYN NP suggested we get some further testing done. We consulted with a fertility group (CCRM- Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine) and they ran the gamut of blood work, ultrasounds, etc and nothing was found to be off so they suggested a trial with clomid. I have always been a 28d cycle and regular. After 2 rounds of Clomid with IUI, I developed large cysts each time and no pregnancy. At that point they suggested trying SQ injectable medications that were stronger to stimulate more follicles. We tried two more rounds with this and IUI and still no pregnancy. So at this point it has been about 1 year of test after test and 4 IUIs with CCRM and Kevin and I needed a change. Still no reason for why we weren't conceiving left us frustrated but it was time to let it go and move on to something that would give a better chance of conception.
We went on a wonderful vacation and came home more refreshed and decided to seek a second opinion at the other great facility in Colorado (Conceptions). We met with the Doctor there who had a slightly different approach and some new ideas to try but he also agreed that after 4 failed IUI attempts IVF was the better route to go. Before he did IVF he wanted me to take DHEA supplement for 3-4mo before to stimulate the best follicles possible during the IVF process. I was skeptical and this time but the new research was linking low AMH (which I did have) and DHEA to higher success in IVF. I was on it but didn't enjoy the side effects of the supplements, acne and weight gain!. It was all worth it now but really tough at the time. Kevin was also put on 6 supplements a day as well to enhance quality sperm production. We started our IVF meds OCT 29th, 2010, retrieval done Nov 10th (6 follicles) and Transfer of two beautiful embryos on Nov 15th. We got our positive pregnancy test on Nov 26th and didn't find out it was twins until Dec 16th, 2010. We just hit 13 weeks and feel so blessed and excited. I am still nervous every minute of every day but still continue to count my blessings.
2. How did you pick your clinic?
We are fortunate enough to live in a state that has 2 amazing fertility clinics with great success rates. I started with CCRM because of reputation and others great success there. We ended up at Conceptions after we felt it wasn't a right fit for our situation. I think both clinics are amazing and give great results but it all ends up being where you feel most comfortable and personal preference.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
Infertility is an emotional roller coaster but after talking to others who have been through it and have babies it gave me hope and encouragement to keep going. We continued to have faith and deep in our hearts we knew we would be parents some day. Kevin sticking by my side and giving me space when I needed it and hugs when I needed it also gave me the strength to continue through the process instead of giving up.
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
This was hard because normally I loved to exercise and run to blow off steam and stress but during this process of 2 years I was told to slow things down and all the meds really made me exhausted so my normal routine got changed. After finding my acupuncturist Debra Skelton, my infertility journey really changed dramatically. She was amazing and it really decreased my stress going to her approx 2x/month.
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
I feel lucky to have such a supportive husband by my side. He was wonderful and we both struggled through the process in different ways. It is hard for men to feel helpless and see there wives in so much pain. I think this made us stronger as a couple and we can conquer anything together now after this journey. He wanted this just as bad as I did so every negative pregnancy test was devastating to both of us. But when we got a POSITIVE test, I don't think there could have been two happiesr people in this world.
6. Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
That was a long two weeks. Every cramp, every gas bubble you look into. I read a lot of books, and had many friends and family keep my mind off of going to the bathroom to do a pregnancy test. I didn't do a home pregnancy test but I thought about it all the time. I am too superstitious, so decided after 2 years of trying I can wait 2 weeks. I was worth it :)
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
Geez that is tough one. Hindsight is always 20/20. I wish I could say I would have done IVF a lot earlier and saved myself the pain and $$$ spent on IUI but I think we both had to get to the point together and our timing is what was meant to be.
8. What’s it like when it’s all over?
It is still not over to me yet. I have made it through the first trimester but I am still nervous every day. It is still very fresh to us but I am thankful for every little cramp, twinge or symptom I get during pregnancy that tells me this is actually really happening.
9. How has this process changed you?
It has already made me more patient because you play the waiting game so much in this process. I feel more compassion for others going through any life changes right now because it is really tough. I was excited to be a mother but now I am even 100% more thrilled for the adventure we are about to enter into.
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
Really seeing who your true friends are and seeing the amazing support you get from friends whom you had lost touch with but are now your shoulder to cry on. Also, the closeness that I now experience with my husband and support that he and I can get through the toughest of times and still laugh and enjoy just being together. Lastly, seeing the joy in our families eyes for the excitement they have for us and our future family.
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
Know that you are not alone and that there will be a light at the end of this journey and this is not forever even though it feels like it now! Talking to as many people you can who have been through this process really has helped me.
IVF Interviews (cont.): Fran
I found Fran’s blog on the Stirrup Queens Blogroll, which is a great resource with thousands of blogs listed and can be accessed right HERE.
The name of Fran’s blog (her blog is accessible HERE) really spoke to me:
Everyone Else But Me
On her blog she writes:
“And this is how I felt. Everyone else but me seemed to be getting pregnant just by saying the word…till it was my turn, too.”
I love love love the hopefulness of that last phrase. Someday, some way, I want it to be my turn, too.
Fran’s son Oliver is 6 weeks now, and how cute is he?
Thanks so much, Fran, for contributing your thoughts and experiences to this project. :)
1. Hi Fran! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
We started trying in November 2006, so 4 years of struggles! In total we had 6 transfers, 3 from fresh IVF/ICSI and 3 frozen. We also tried one IUI (hopeless to start with). As for investigations, I had a lap&dye with D&C in December 2007, SIS in May 2008 and a hysteroscopy in March 2010. And then, as when bad luck strikes it seems to happen in waves, while I got pregnant 3 times with IVF, the first 2 the embryo had implanted first in my left tube and then in my right one so I underwent surgery in both cases and lost both tubes. Thankfully the last time it worked out just fine!
2. How did you pick your clinic?
I researched those in the Dublin area thoroughly. The clinic I picked was the only one that had published statistics on their website, clear price list and CVs of the doctors and nurses woking there. It also happened to be the nearest to our home and just on the way to work! I liked their hands-on attitude, aggressive protocols which aimed at giving you the best chances of getting pregnant in the shortest amount of time.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
My real way of copying was to have a back-up plan. Both Mike and I are scientists so a “failed” experiment doesn’t mean you give up trying, but you have to have a small change the next time around to see if the outcome will be different. So that meant for me to interact extremely closely with my doctors, see what we could do to avoid another ectopic (that meant a lower transfer in the uterus of my first two FETs), when it became obvious that by transferring the embryos in a lower part of the womb meant inevitably a BFN I started asking for more investigations. It was great I had fantastic doctors who didn’t mind me being so suggestive and worked with me so that I was happy with what was being done. As an alternative route to a family we also started the adoption paperworks knowing it would be years in Ireland before we got any closer to a child being ours. Still it gave me peace of mind we were going to have a child one day.
Of course I also had relaxation CDs, acupuncture, reiki etc...but the major difference was brought into our lives when we adopted the kittens. I am a true believer in pet therapy! Blogging and on-line forums were a massive help too. Being able to express my feelings and get such a positive feedback was amazing. Still is amazing.
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
I certainly treated myself more often than not with chocolate or any type of comfort food I like. After a few attempts I knew that all the “don’ts and dos” were a bit of fairytale!
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
Thankfully it wasn’t that hard. In fact it made our relationship stronger. Mike was always very supportive, of course we had very different ways of “living” a cycle. He was always mostly concerned that I had to be well (he was terrified of OHSS!) and I sometimes felt he wasn’t participating much...but I suppose after so many attempts the novelty wears off! We talked a lot of course, or mainly I talked and he listened! He was always very optimistic while I was much more realistic leaning towards pessimism but I had to protect myself.
6. Ugh...the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
I used a relaxation CD which is specific for IVF treatments and has dedicated sessions for each stage of the process. To be honest with you as I got pregnant 3 times with 6 transfer and I always used the CD, I’m not that convinced it made a difference at all, but it became part of the routine, so I kept doing it just in case it did in fact make a difference! As for testing, sometime I tested early sometimes I didn’t. Oddly, any time I tested early it was always a BFN!
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
Certainly I’d have the hysteroscopy done as a first thing. My lap&dye was totally useless and that was recommended by a gynaecologist before I went under the care of my fertility clinic. They would have done a hysteroscopy as a routine but given that I had the lap&die we all assumed all was well. In fact I had scar tissue in my uterus which nobody was aware off. I am convinced that my ectopic pregnancies were partially due to the “hostile” environment in my uterus!
8. What was it like for you to have a cycle that didn't work out?
The disappointment is shocking. I never bled before the test day which was my worst fear. Still the sight of the snow-white test was always heartbreaking. Apart from my last cycle, I always had a feeling whether I was pregnant or not. On my first cycle I got pregnant. The joy was ridiculously high and then is was ectopic. This took away forever the joy of a positive pregnancy test (I had two more, including my last one) and surely when it happened again it was pure devastation. Everyone has a different way of coping with a failed cycle. Mine was that of analysing data and see what could be done differently the next time.
9. How has this process changed you?
It certainly has changed me. Probably not in a better way though. I think I’m much more aware that things can go wrong no matter how hard you try. Even when I was pregnant I never really enjoyed it. It made me also realise that a 98% stat means nothing at all when you fall in the 2% of it. Twice.
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
The realisation that my husband is THE ONE. You never know how a relationship deals with hurdles and this is a huge one of course. I never doubted that Mike was going to be there for me, but seeing this happening even above expectations was so so soothing.
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
My advice would be to be part of what is happening. Even if you are not a scientist you can learn what your treatments are about. Knowledge is power. Not necessarily will make a difference on the outcome of course but feeling confident that your treatment was the best for you at that time was for me very important. Interact with your doctors, don’t be afraid to ask questions, read as much as possible and suggest alternatives if you have any.
12. Anything else? Last words?
If having a child is what you really really want, one way or another you are going to succeed. Be open minded, paths that may not seem ideal right now can appear to you in a different light in the future.
IVF Interviews (cont.): Lindsay
Today we have Lindsay, who had a son a few years ago via IVF and is currently pregnant twins (also conceived via IVF)! Yay!
I wanted to include her because I was so moved by her twins’ ultrasound when I saw it on her blog…it’s the first ultrasound I’d ever seen of twins, and I just loved seeing them snuggled side by side. Not sure what my fascination with twins is…maybe it’s because I’m so incredibly close to my siblings…I love the thought of two babies spending their first nine months together…the bond that results from that must be incredible.
You can check out Lindsay’s blog--and her gorgeous ultrasound pictures--HERE.
Thanks, Lindsay, for participating in my little project! :)
1. Hi Lindsay! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
We started trying to get pregnant in May 2005, I was 28 my husband was 30. After about 8 months of trying to conceive we found out we were dealing with male factor--low count, low motility and low morphology. In April 2006 we met with an RE and decided our best option was IVF/ICSI. We did our first IVF cycle in May 2006. It failed miserably. I responded great--lots of mature eggs but bad fertilzation rates (30%), the embryos weren't great quality and were slow growing. The cycle was negative and it was devastating. Our RE thought it was a fluke and we would try again and not change anything. The second cycle was in July 2006--and identical to the first. Same bad fertilization rate! We were devastated once again. Our regroup with our RE was not hopeful, he was recommending donor eggs or sperm and had no solutions to help us and didn't think any changes would make a difference.
We weren't going to give up and knew we needed a change. I had already set up consults with other clinics before this cycle even failed, I had a feeling we'd get the same bad results. We consulted with CCRM in Colorado and another local clinic. We decided to stay locally. The new RE was very optimistic for us and made a little change to our protocol. We got much better results. Not an amazing fertilization rate--but much better for us (60%)! The embryos grew beautifully and we transferred 3 on day 3. Our RE was very optimistic. I got my first BFP ever and had our son in Aug 2007.
2 years later we were ready to try for a sibling for our son. It was much more of a struggle than I ever expected. We had two heartbreaking miscarriages--one with a frozen cycle from left over embryos from our son's cycle and then another from a new fresh cycle. I consulted with CCRM after the second miscarriage, but decided to stay local again. We did another fresh cycle and added PGD this time (biopsied embryos on day 3 and did a fresh transfer on day 5). But it was a BFN! We finally took the plunge and went to CCRM for our last try for another child. Our embryos did grow much better and we did CCS testing. We transferred 2 normals in Oct 2010 and I am currently 18wks pregnant with twins!
2. How did you pick your clinic?
The first two cycles were at the same clinic....I just picked the clinic nearest our home. Very minimal research done about diffferent clinics. Big mistake! Second clinic I had done more research and found the best clinic in our local area. We did get much better results and got our son! We stayed with this clinic to try for a sibling figuring we'd have success once again. But after 2 miscarriages and another BFN, we decided to go to the best clinic in the US--CCRM.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
I always had another plan in place. Constantly searching the fertility boards looking for answers after our failures or miscarriages. Not sure if this kept me sane (I was obsessed), but research and planning got me through it and helped me find the clinics where I found success. Also found lots of hope through reading success stories of those who had similar failures. During the really tough times I did not go to baby showers or attend parties where there were lots of friends with new babies. I could not handle it! I had to isolate myself somewhat to stay sane!
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
Treat myself now and then--retail therapy :) Take a vacation with my husband.
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
We grew stronger through our struggle. I'm so proud of how we've worked through it together.
6. Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
Yes, the 2WW is the worst. One moment thinking so positive that this has to work, the next feeling so doomed and scared. Up and down, up and down. Analyzing every symptom. Ughh!
First and second cycles I used home pregnancy tests the last couple days of the 2WW--both stark white BFNs. At least I was prepared for that phone call :( But my husband thinks I should have waited until the last day to do the HPTs. For our third cycle I took my husband's advice and waited until beta day to do the HPT and got my first positive ever!!! It was surreal!! I recommend at least waiting until 12dpo to start using an HPT and using a very sensitive test like FRER (first response early result). I made the mistake of starting at 10 or 11dpo for one of my cycles and it was stark white. I was soooo devastated, it ended up positive. I thought I could handle seeing a negative knowing it was too early, but it was much more upsetting than I expected.
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
I would have done more research about IVF clinics to start, I just went to the closest one to our house for our first cycle!! Knowing what I know now--I'd go to the best clinic in the US from the beginning!!! CCRM! It is amazing...just look at their statistics. It's not worth all the heartache--do it right the first time!
8. What’s it like when the getting pregnant part of the process is over?
It was so nice to take a break from it all! For our first pregnancy it was just so nice to finally be pregnant and I didn't have a lot of worries about losing the pregnancy (since I did not have a history of miscarriage at that point). I did worry, but just like any other pregnant woman. With this pregnancy it has been a little more worrisome with the history of 2 miscarriages, but now that I'm almost 19 weeks I'm relaxing more. It is a very exhausting and stressful process--emotionally, physically and financially. It will be so nice when our last two little ones comes and we are DONE with this process forever! Our family is complete.
9. How has this process changed you?
I've become a stronger person. There have been very difficult times of deep saddness and hopelessness. I'm proud of how I've made it through this. I'm hopeful I can make it through any struggle in life.
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
Besides the obvious :) My husband and I have been very open about our fertility struggles. We've had the opportunity to support and help other couples having trouble conceiving or going throught the IVF process. Being able to help others has brought some purpose to our struggle.
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
It can work! I remember being in disbelief that this process can actually work for us. It always seemed to happen to everyone else, not us. Don't give up if it does fail, a change in a clinic or protocol can make a huge difference.
IVF Interviews (cont.): Sam
Sam lives in Florida, and is one of my dearest friends. We lived together in Seattle in our early 20s…I have such lovely memories of that time. Sam went through the whole infertility/IVF thing before me, and she’s the one I turned to for advice, the best of which was to research clinics and pick the one with the best success rates. I wouldn't have thought of doing that, and even though I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, at least I have the peace of mind that I’m at one of the best possible clinics and thus doing everything I possibly can to make this thing work.
Sam jokes that she was on the “buy one, get one free” plan, as she had a son via IVF, and then a few years later got pregnant naturally with her beautiful daughter, who was born just days ago. She is so amazing with her kids, too…they are lucky little ones.
Thanks, Sam, for doing this interview, and I can’t wait to come to Florida to meet your gorgeous girl! So happy for you! XOXO
1. Hi Sam! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
At age 31 we decided to start trying to conceive. After 6 months we started to worry and went to my obgyn for help. He started us on clomid, upped the dose here and there to no avail. We decided to go see an RE to search for other interventions. We did 2 rounds of inseminations and then were sucessful with our first IVF cycle.
2. How did you pick your clinic?
I did initial research online and found the best way to pick a clinic by searching CDC website for fertility clinic success rates. We ended up choosing the clinic that had the highest IVF success rates within our area. The RE was an amazing scientist with absolutely no personality or bedside manner but we didnt let that bother us because we knew he knew his science!
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
I am a pretty positive person but through this process...from the beginning I had so many letdowns that I went into the clinic not expecting it to work. Therefore I wouldnt be so disappointed when it didn't. After all.....40% success rates didnt sound so great to me, but we had to try!
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
It was hard with so much failure...but I just tried to go about business as usual. Not get weary of all the long 2 hour drives back and forth to the clinic in Orlando. I promised myself not to complain and hopefully I would get my wish.
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
We did pretty well. I didn't have too many mood swings or get too upset. My husband was very supportive and involved. We tried to keep things light and comical to stay sane through the process. Telling the stories to close freinds about the process can be funny from the guy's perspective if you catch my drift!
6. Ugh…the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
I absolutely peed on a stick on day 10. I'm not one for surprises and couldn't wait. Luckily it was good news for us! The wait was definitely hard though....I tried to put it out of my mind.
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
Maybe I would not have rushed into the big guns so soon. Maybe I would have tried more stress-reducing techniques...more yoga....meditation....prior to going for IVF. I truly think my infertility was stress based. i was only 35....I could have given it a little more time to try to make it happen naturally.
8. What’s it like when it’s all over?
The pregnancy was fine but the medical field deems IVF as a high risk pregnancy which bothered me a bit. I would have liked to just been a "regular pregnant chick." But the medical field made me feel at risk and unsafe... But in the end it was worth it all! My son is wonderful.
9. How has this process changed you?
i am very appreciative of my ability to conceive and my child. He is my world and I feel so fortunate to have him.
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
Again...being ever thankful for the little things in life. Also....somehow I managed to get pregnant 4 years later the old fashioned way! I just had my daughter Uma a couple weeks ago. Amazing gift!
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
Keep your chin up, know that there is always another option after this one if it doesn't go the way you hope. Know your limits both financially and emotionally and stick to them. Stay close to your partner and support each other.
12. Anything else? Last words?
I wish everyone going through infertility to achieve their dreams. i know a lot of people who have been through it and most of them have been succesful. Be positive and realistic of your goal. Yet, make sure you have a safety net if things don't go the way you'd like them to go.
IVF Interviews (cont.): "Mrs. Lemon"
Mrs. Lemon is on tap for today. She is, like me, still in the middle of multiple rounds of IVF. I wanted to interview someone who hadn’t (yet!) achieved success in the baby-making arena, as I think maybe all the feelings and thoughts surrounding this may be a little more raw and immediate while people are actually going through it.
I “met” Mrs. Lemon on the January/February Cycle Sistas list, which you can access right HERE.
Check out Mrs. Lemon’s wonderful blog HERE. She’s actually transferring today, so please stop by and wish her luck!
Thanks, Mrs. Lemon, for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us! :)
1. Briefly, give us an idea of what you’ve been through with your fertility issues. (How many years you’ve tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you’ve undergone, etc.)
Ah, where to begin. I am one of those people that always knew I was at risk for fertility issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 22 and with endometriosis (stage IV) when I was 26. I have also suffered with abnormal bleeding issues since I was 24 and no one can figure out how to stop it. The Mr. and I didn't get around to trying to have a baby until I was 32, we have been at this for almost 3 years. In the last three years I have done 6 months of clomid, 9 IUI's (3 with injectibles), 3 Fresh IVF's, and one FET. I have had the full gamut of testing done, 3 HSG's, 2 saline sonos, countless ultrasounds and bloodwork, 1 D&C and a month of Lupron Depot. We have only had one positive pregnancy test and that was chemical. I am in the middle of IVF #4.
2. How did you pick your clinic?
I started with a different clinic and after all the IUI's, and 2 Fresh IVF's, they couldn't get me to the FET because they couldn't control the bleeding I experience. At that point I switched over to my current clinic on recommendations of many friends and fellow bloggers. They have been wonderful even though I'm still not pregnant. My RE is a very caring man who really listens and I get a ton of face time with him. At the first clinic I rarely saw or spoke to my physician, only the nurses and office staff. I find I have a better experience when I can actually speak to the MD.
3. How are you staying sane through the process?
I wasn't. After being cancelled for the FET a second time I was really struggling. I ended up joining a mind/body program for infertility. It was amazing. I met a fabulous group of women and we meet weekly to continue to support each other through this journey. I also have an amazing husband the constantly picks me up and reminds me to "just keep swimming".
4. What are you doing as far as being good to yourself?
I am going to acupuncture weekly which I love and relaxes me. I also have learned to say no during a cycle. I do better when I am on my own schedule and getting lots of rest. I also stopped feeling guilty about the occasional glass of wine or coffee during a cycle (not the 2ww). I just go with it, if I really need caffeine, I have some. I was making myself crazy with all the I can't do this, can't do that. I'm just chilling out a bit more.
5. Has this been hard on your marriage? How do you keep your marriage intact/strong?
I think anyone who says this isn't tough on their marriage is lying. It's super stressful, a giant romance killer, tough on the body and the soul. My husband and I have been through a lot together so we are fairing well. It is hugely important to continue to talk to each other as well plan special non-fertility related things. We recently went to Atlantic City for a few days and just relaxed, didn't focus on fertility and enjoyed each others company. We are going to head to a B&B in March for another decompress (of course I hope IVF #4 is a success and I am puking away!)
6. Ugh…the two week wait. How do you deal? Do you use home pregnancy tests?
Like everyone, the two week wait is awful. I try again to just take it easy, avoid stressful event etc. I find making plans for the weekend during the 2ww is much needed, though. I need the distraction.
Only once did I not take HPT's. I went in confident that I must be pregnant and I never tested and the blow when the nurse called was HORRIBLE. I will from now on always test. Most likely 5dp3dt to verify trigger is out of system, then at 8dp3dt and forward looking and praying for a positive.
7. Having been through everything you’ve been through up to this point, what if anything would you do differently?
I would have been more assertive. I think in the beginning I was afraid to question the doctors and nurses. At one point I went 6 months without talking to the doctor and I swear I lost 6 months of treatment because of it. You need to be your own advocate. If I really thought this was going to take us over 3 years, I would have though about starting a little earlier but hindsight is 20/20.
8. What’s next for you? How do you decide? Did you map it all out at the beginning? Or after each try do you plan next steps?
We have a new protocol and a new diagnosis (uterine receptivity defect). We will most like keep going as long as insurance covers us and the doctors tell us we have a good chance. By the end of 2011 we are committed to either deciding to use a surrogate or adopting (or both) if we are still not pregnant.
9. How has this process changed you?
It has made me way stronger. I never knew I could put up with so much and survive. I am also a little more selfish and have learned sometime you just have to put yourself and your family (husband and future babies) first!
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience?
My husband and I have continued to get closer and I have met some amazing new women that have experienced infertility that I will be friends with forever.
11. What would you tell someone starting or currently in the middle of all this?
I think I would say, be prepared for anything, keep an open mind, find a support system and remember to be good to yourself.
12. Anything else? Last words?
Infertility is hard, remember just because you can't picture becoming a parent, doesn't mean it won't happen.
Photo credit: Tpurk.
IVF Interviews (cont.): "Amy"
Today we hear from Amy, who has recently become mother to gorgeous twin boys. Yay, Amy! So happy for you!
I first met Amy (whose name has been changed to protect her anonymity) last spring, when I was going through my second IVF cycle. A friend of mine had recommended that I check out Fertile Thoughts, a site "designed to provide support to women, men, couples, and singles who are building their families." Amy was one of the first people I watched through the message boards successfully go through IVF. I remember her for her kindness and great amounts of exuberance--all those exclamation points!!!! :)--and her happy success!
Thanks, Amy, for being a part of my little interview series. :)
1. Hi Amy! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
My bio: I'm 30, DH is 29. We live near Toronto. We have been married since July 2008. On November 29, 2010 our twin boys were born--IVF/FET babies.
I always had a feeling I would have issues getting pregnant. My periods were very irregular right from the start. I never got it checked out because a) I was a super shy teenager, no way was I going to discuss periods with anyone and b) pregnancy was so far from my mind I just didn't think about it. My husband and I were married in July 2008, and we decided to start trying for a baby in December of the same year, so I went off of birth control. I remember that first month of trying...New Years Eve came around and I wouldn't drink, because of the chances of being pregnant. Of course, that didn't happen. Fast forward to around March of 2009. I still hadn't gotten a period since coming off of birth control. My doctor recommended an ultrasound. That made me worry. So of course I started googling. Polycystic ovarian syndrome kept coming up, but I was sure I didn't have that as it had a lot of symptoms I didn't have--elevated testosterone, facial hair, etc. I just didn't have a period. But sure enough, PCOS is what the ultrasound showed. My family doctor immediately refered me to a fertility clinic. Long story short, I went on Metformin and did 3 months of fertility drugs (Clomid and Femara) but never had any follicles grow big enough to be fertilized. So 4 months later I started injections. But then I had TOO many follicles and had to have follicle aspirations (and then IUIs). We did 2 months of this, and then decided to go through with IVF. So in February of 2010 I had the retrieval. 21 eggs were retrieved, 20 were mature, and all 20 fertilized. 13 were still kicking by day 5. BUT another snag--my doctor was worried about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation) because my estrogen levels were so high (because of so many eggs!). So he would not let us do the transfer that month. I was devastated. But he wouldn't budge. So we had to wait. In the first week of April we did an FET. We transferred 2 5-day best quality blasts. Those 2 little embies are now my 9 week old twin boys.
2. How did you pick your clinic?
I actually did not pick my clinic; I was referred there by my family doctor.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
I talked about it...a lot. All of my close friends and family knew what was going on. And a lot of people at work, too. Everyone was so supportive. When I finally got that positive beta the girls at work cried for me. It really meant a lot.
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
The only thing I did for myself was eat, which wasn't really good but it made me feel good at the time! I gained a fair amount of weight during the whole process, be that from stress or the fertility drugs (I like to blame the drugs, but the Oreos that I was constantly consuming didn't help!)
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
No I don't think it was hard. Actually I think it brought us closer together. My husband was extremely supportive. He never made me feel like it was my fault or that I was lacking in some way. We just knew that this was something that had to be done.
6. Ugh the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
The two week wait dragged of course. I tried to keep myself busy. I did a HPT 4dpt and got a BFN. I was very upset by this but knew it was still a bit early. I did one 6dpt and it was positive...I couldn't believe it!
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
I would like to say I would have gone straight to IVF (skipped doing the IUIs and aspirations) but we just weren't ready for IVF until we were (if that makes sense). IVF is a big step, you have to be ready for it. Also I would have tried to be healthier during the process so that I didn't end up with so much extra weight.
8. What's it like when it's all over?
Surreal. I think that pregnancy is hard after infertility, because you are so worried all the time (or at least I was). I would see my fertile friends pregnant and they never worried about miscarriage, problems, etc. I thought about it a lot, especially the first trimester. I didn't want to get too attached, because I really didn't think the pregnancy would stick.
9. How has this process changed you?
Hmm. This doesn't sound nice but I think I'm a little bit more bitter than I was before..even though it worked out for me (thank goodness) it was a hard road and I am still a bit angry that some people (especially those that don't seem to deserve it) can get pregnant so easily.
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
I have become a lot more open with friends and family about things. I really found out how strong my relationships are with my friends after seeing how supportive they all were.
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
I want to cry just thinking about people in the middle of it. It's so very very hard. And it's not fair. And it SUCKS. But, and this may sound cliche, but its worth it in the end. Also, in terms of advice, I would say don't keep it to yourself--you really need a support system through this, so talk to someone about it.
12. Anything else? Last words?
I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. But you will come out of this stronger. You WILL get through this.
And Today, We Interview Sprogblogger!
Hello my bloggy friends!
So I ve got something special for Buck Up, Buttercup while I suffer through the two week wait, which will end on February 16, hopefully, hopefully with a positive pregnancy test.
I was thinking about a month ago how nice it would be to have the collective wisdom of some of those who have been through IVF in one place--for myself, and also for the community at large. These eight interviews, starting today, are that thought come to fruition.
Some of these women I know from real life, some from the web/blogosphere. They all have amazing and inspiring things to say. I hope you enjoy reading their answers to my questions as much as I did!
Oh and PS, it was not my intention to end up with so many women with twins here it just kind of happened that way! Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something :)
Today we have Sprogblogger, whose fabulous blog you can check out right HERE. Someone on Fertile Thoughts (more on Fertile Thoughts tomorrow) told me about Sprogblogger s blog early last fall when I was suffering through my latest failed IVF cycle/chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage. I read pages and pages of her old posts she d just had her beautiful baby, and somehow seeing that positive outcome combined with knowing the despair that she had gone through in the past before getting to the happy day when her son was born whatever it was, reading her blog really helped me during a dark time. And I ve continued to read ever since, loving the simple joy she finds in motherhood.
Thanks, Sprogblogger, for participating in my little project! :)
1. Hi Sprogblogger! Briefly, give us an idea of what you went through with your fertility issues. (How many years you tried to get pregnant, the sorts of procedures you underwent, etc.)
For me, it wasn't so much getting pregnant that was difficult as it was STAYING pregnant. Well, OK, getting pregnant was challenging, too. We did our first IVF in spring of 2008. First loss in summer of 2008. Second IVF in fall of 2008, which was an ectopic pregnancy--hence another loss. Third IVF in winter of 2009, which resulted in no pregnancy, but gave us embryos to freeze. While cycling up for a FET I experienced a spontaneous pregnancy, resulting in yet another loss. We did the FET in summer of 2009 which ended in yet another miscarriage. Finally, we started the process to find an egg donor in fall of 2009, and that was the key. My son was born September 18, 2010.
2. How did you pick your clinic?
Much less carefully than I should have, though I couldn't be any happier with them. NYC has a ton of clinics. Unfortunately, it also has a ton of women like me who waited too damned long to have kids. So all the places I called had waiting times of 4 or 5 months just for a consultation. The clinic I ended up using--and being delighted with--had a cancellation the week I called. I jumped. In retrospect, I should have researched, done my homework, etc., but it certainly worked out well for me in the end. We considered jumping to an out of town clinic for the DE IVF cycle, due to cost considerations, but decided to stay with the folks who had been so good to me throughout this miserable time. Sometimes, fools really do get lucky.
3. How did you stay sane through the process?
Hah. Not entirely sure that I did. Seriously, I look back on that time in my life, reading through my blog archives, and I hardly remember that person as being me. Yeah, I remember the misery, but my mind manages to sort of block how completely the anguish OWNED me. About halfway through, I began keeping a gratitude journal when I realized that my blog postings were about nothing but horror and grief and terror. Figuring that such a mindset can't be good for a potential baby, I challenged myself to come up with five good things every day that made me smile or that I was grateful for or appreciated. Nothing big--and some days, an appreciation of toast was about all I could manage! But it helped. It really helped. And I think it's a practice I'll continue for the rest of my life. I write my 'real' blog for other people--try to make the postings amusing or educational or at least entertaining, but my 'days of grace' postings are all for me. Interestingly enough, I have more people telling me that's what they love reading the most, which is nice to hear, though very surprising to me.
4. What did you do as far as being good to yourself?
I wasn't particularly good to myself. I was working an incredibly shitty, stressful job, in a city I dislike. I tried to go see a therapist after my 4th miscarriage and it was an utter failure. Oh--I did insist to my dog-hatin' husband that I needed a dog. Not just wanted, but NEEDED. He went along with it, because he's a genuinely wonderful guy, and now is more of a dog-crazed person than I am. But Nellie's entire reason for being was to rescue my brain from the pits of self-pity & despair. She did (and continues to do) wonders for my mental health.
5. Was it hard on your marriage? How did you keep your marriage intact/strong?
In some ways it was hard on the marriage, just because who wants to be around this sort of pain day in & day out? In other ways, though, it wasn't so bad. My husband already had three grown children from a previous marriage, so this baby-making quest, this was MINE. In a way I resented the fact that sometimes I felt all alone in it, but in another way, it made it easier for me since I never had to try to be strong or buck up to spare his feelings.
6. Ugh the two week wait. How did you deal? Did you use home pregnancy tests?
I used HPTs religiously. As in every-morning-without-fail religiously. I watched the trigger shot leave my system and (usually) watched the lines forming day by day. Not that they always worked that great for me, but still--the thought of being surprised by what the nurse on the phone had to say? No thank you! I blogged a lot. I tried (and usually failed) to distract myself. Again, though, GETTING pregnant was not, for me, the big challenge. After every procedure I assumed that it would work.
7. Having been through it, what would you do differently?
I'd move to DE much earlier in the process. We had reasons--financial, mostly--for going through 3 IVFs. Fertility coverage is mandated in NY, so we had very few out of pocket expenses for the first 4 procedures. It made sense to use up our insurance coverage before we started writing gigantic, tens-of-thousands-of-dollars checks. I suppose I might have been more resistant to DE if I'd had any shadow of a doubt about whether or not my eggs were done, but I honestly think I might've been ready after that first miscarriage. I was getting pretty shell-shocked by the end, emotionally, and just needed a baby, damn it.
8. What's it like when it's all over?
Both a serious relief, and rather like waking up in another person's life. It was all so horrible for such a long time that that sort of became my default setting. Now I have a baby! I'm happy! I don't wake up in tears! I don't despair over a broken glass or a burned piece of toast! In a way, I'm still waiting to wake up from my current state of happiness, because surely this can't be my life? It's too GOOD a life, and I got very used to thinking that good things couldn't happen to me.
9. How has this process changed you?
I'd like to think that I'm a little more compassionate, a little gentler with the people I encounter every day. When I realized how many of my work acquaintances had no idea what was happening in my life, despite what I thought were pretty obvious 'tells' that major life crises were going on, I realized that many, if not most, people have awfully big things going on in their lives at any given time; and if it seems like they're being nasty, it could just be that you hit them in a sore spot, or on a really bad day.
Um, it's also made me about 15 pounds too heavy, and my boobs will never be the same. I lost my fear of needles. I now tell every young woman I know "have babies now!" "don't wait!"
10. Has there been anything positive associated with this experience (besides the obvious)?
The main positive would be the people I've met through blogging. I've met several bloggers whom I now consider to be friends in real life, and there are others I will likely never meet in person, but whose lives I care about passionately. Blogging itself has been a wonderful experience. It's opened me up to another way of expressing myself that I have found to be more valuable than any therapy I can imagine, and more fun than most writing projects, because of the potential for interaction with your audience.
11. What would you tell someone currently in the middle of it?
Ah, shoot. Advice is so rarely actually wanted! Um, I think the main thing I'd say is 'don't give up'. If this is truly what your heart needs to live, if having a child in your life is worth this much to you, then it will happen. Maybe not the way you envisioned, but that's OK. It would have been nice to have a toddler running around my house by now if our first instance of unprotected sex had resulted in a baby, but then I wouldn't have MY baby, Henry wouldn't exist, and that thought just doesn't bear thinking.
So, yeah, infertility sucks, but this is a wonderful time to be infertile! Domestic adoption, foster adoption, international adoption, IUIs, IVF, FET, donor embryos, donor eggs, donor sperm, gestational surrogates--these are all totally valid ways to build a family, and you know what? You're going to love that child the instant you feel him move within you, or when you see that first ultrasound photo from the surrogate, or when they lay your daughter in your arms after the birth mother signs the release papers. That child is YOUR child. Don't get too caught up in the way you think things HAVE to be. Keep your eyes on the prize--if you want a child, you will find a way to have one.
12. Anything else?
Transfer/Post-Transfer
So we transferred two embryos yesterday. The transfer was kind of a blur because they give you valium, but the doctor said the embryos were "early"...not really sure what that means but he said it made our chances for success a little lower, but not by too much. Also, the transfer hurt A LOT...the doctor said something about there being a kink in my cervix...the pain had me a little worried...hopefully it won't impact the implantation process! The transfers I had last year didn't hurt at all...
My clinic has me on bedrest until tomorrow morning...slept most of yesterday and have been watching movies and bad TV (Jersey Shore, for instance. Wow, that show is BAD. Or maybe I'm just too old to appreciate it.) I'm staying with a dear friend of mine and she is taking such good care of me...she even read up on what foods are good to help with implantation and is making sure I get servings of each (pineapple, walnuts, sweet potatoes, etc.)
AND we got a call from the clinic today that there are embryos left over that are good enough to freeze...I've never had that happen before so I am so excited. If this transfer doesn't work out it's not the end of the line for us, you know? That is such a relief.
Home tomorrow (assuming I can make it over the passes...Colorado is being hit crazy-hard with snow).
Thanks to everyone for the positive thoughts and good wishes!
Is the Universe Going to Strike Out at Me for Being Happy?
Another day, more good news from the clinic on how our IVF cycle's going. This is such a new experience for me. All last year, every visit, every phone call brought more and more and more bad news. It's a little overwhelming to have everything going so right.
I cried when I got the call from the clinic this morning--Day 3 embryo report, they definitely want to do a Day 5 (Monday) transfer, all is looking wonderful. I cried and got excited about the fact that this time I might actually get pregnant, and started feeling very, very, very happy. It's like I got this little glimpse of what life could be like without this film of sadness and grief constantly covering everything. A film that has been with me since one morning way back in May of 2003--I can even tell you the exact day, but that's another story for another time.
No sooner did I start to feel happy than I got scared. I mean, isn't being happy just taunting the powers that be? If I'm happy at this stage, is it guaranteeing that I won't end up pregnant or that I'll miscarry or something else awful will happen to one of the little babies currently growing in the petri dish down in Denver sometime in the future? Is it OK to be happy? Why do I feel like I need to be so guarded, like getting excited about something before it happens is going to guarantee failure?
Trying hard to hold onto the happiness I feel today, even if it does end up to be fleeting...
Feminism vs. Babies
So I’m reading a book of essays by Joan Didion (love her!) called The White Album, and one of the essays, written in 1972, is about the women’s movement. She wasn’t a fan of it, which is a little surprising to me, as she was a prime example of what feminists wanted for women, with her wildly successful journalism career and all.
The feminism that I was introduced to in the late 1970s and 1980s--the message I got loud and clear was that being a wife and mother and homemaker is demeaning and a waste. The only proper thing for women to do is strike out on their own, not be dependent on men, pursue high-powered careers. According to a feminist friend of mine in San Francisco, that message has changed a bit, and nowadays the message is women should be free to choose the path that most fulfills them. But that’s not how it used to be.
I went to college and worked hard at my career, as I was told, but secretly always wanted a husband and babies and a house of my own, the sooner the better. I honestly think part of why I married my first husband was that I wanted that life so badly, and he at least offered the hope of making those dreams come true. Everything went badly for him and for us, though, so a few years later I found myself divorced, and really, living my life the way the feminisim I grew up with said you should--not about husband and family and commitment, but self-fulfillment.
I lived in San Francisco at the time, and I surfed every single day. I started freelancing, and my career really took off. I dated, a lot, but refused to get serious with anyone. I traveled. I went out most nights.
Fun. Really fun. But honestly, never what I actually wanted.
Ms. Didion talks about this kind of stuff as acting like a child, not an adult. And I think it’s very true to look at my life and say I had a very extended adolescence, avoiding (although not really on purpose) adult responsibilities for a long, long time.
I’m married again now, to an incredible man, and this is our fifth year in a row trying to have a child. Oh, how I want a child, how I want that life I’ve longed for--a life that’s been so elusive for me.
Being a wife and mother and homemaker isn’t something that will oppress me, I really don’t think. It’s been my dream, for a long, long time. I know from personal experience that a life lived as prescribed by feminists (or at least the feminists of old) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least it wasn’t for me.
I want, have always wanted, to be what Ms. Didion describes those with family obligations as--a grown-up.
I wish it wasn’t taking so long to get there.
Fertilization Report Today
It's been snowing big, fat, fluffy flakes all afternoon. If this whole baby thing works, not being able to snowboard this season will soooo be worth it!
Fertilization report was also very positive. Things have been going so smoothly with this IVF cycle, and for that I am very grateful. A lot of the worries on my list have not come to pass. Six out of eight of the things I was scared about a few days ago are over and done with and worked out in our favor. :)
Absolutley exhausted today, like can't-get-up-off-the-couch exhausted. I know my body's being put through a lot, and all the drugs, and the fact I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm sure all the stress and unknowns have contributed. We've cleared so many hurdles the past few days. Can't seem to sleep but am not really working and just trying to rest. Hope to have a little bit of energy back tomorrow!
IVF and Anxiety
The woodpile outside my brother's back door. One of the pleasures of staying with him is a warm fire when it's snowing outside.
Lots of anxiety this IVF cycle, not sure why. Having trouble sleeping because of it. My nurse today, bless her, had me make a list of things I'm worried about:
- This broad general fear that I'm going to do something wrong by mistake, and ruin this cycle
- That my husband will not be able to travel to be here on retreival day (we won't be able to get him a last-minute ticket, the airport will be shut down by the weather, etc.)
- That the weather will get so bad I can't drive to the clinic
- That I won't get the call from the clinic that it's time to trigger because my phone's not working (which is ridiculous, because my phone always works)
- That the trigger shot will be bad and there won't be any eggs
- That if we get eggs they won't fertilize
- That if they fertilize they won't grow
- That if this cycle doesn't work, we're not quite at the end of the line as far as having a baby, but we're getting pretty darn close
Here's what my nurse said, and I've been feeling better ever since:
- Take each of the things you're worried about, and think about how realistic it is for the thing to happen, and also, if it does happen, what's the worst case scenario. For example: my husband not being able to travel: we have back-up "donations," so if that did happen it's not game over. And the trigger shot being bad--the chances of that happening are almost zero
- Focus on today only...don't let your thoughts spiral into the future
- Do everything you can regarding the things you do have control over (taking meds on time, getting my husband a plane ticket once I know which day he needs to be here), and try to let go of the things you don't have control over (the weather, my phone randomly stopping working on the day the clinic calls telling me it's time to trigger)
- Be good to yourself. My nurse told me to shopping and go out to lunch and so that's what I did: a candle that smells like angel food cake, notecards with dogs in winter gear on the fronts, a cookbook holder made of crossed silver spoons, and a cute hat with little ribbons on it on sale at Anthropologie, and Vietnamese food for lunch (one of my favorites)
It's afternoon now and I'm back at my brother's, trying to put in some semblance of a work day (I telecommute and work seems pretty slow this week, which is a blessing). Waiting again for a phone call from my clinic letting me know if tonight is trigger shot night or not. Feeling less anxious and also very sleepy...hopefully tonight I'll be able to get a good night's sleep.
Triggering tonight! :)
Another Little Road Trip...This Time Brekenridge
One of the snow sculptures we saw up in Brekenridge today.
Another little road trip today...trying to distract myself from obsessing about my IVF cycle. Went over Kenosha and Hoosier passes to Brekenridge, where they were having a snow sculpture contest...pretty cool. We also saw some friends of my brothers that I know who were up there snowmobiling. I asked my brother if I could snowmobile and keep my heart rate down (not allowed to raise my heart rate high with the IVF) and he laughed.
"No," he said (and I knew that was probably the answer...my brother and all those guys tend to be a little extreme). "I'll take you some other time."
Four o'clock and sitting at my brother's house now waiting for my clinic to call and tell me if it's time to trigger tonight or not. Praying not so travel/missing school is not so bad for my husband. Triggering tomorrow would make things so much easier. But of course it's out of my control...we'll just have to make things work however they shake out.
We've got a snowstorm coming, too...feeling anxious about things I can't control...